Herpes

[Zamdrist]

Right now in my life, Lit is my support structure. I am in need of honest, clear headed opinions/advice.

The gal I've recently met IRL told me she has Herpes.

I don't know a great deal about the virus but I'll be gathering info off the net as much as possible.

What I would really like to hear are people's real life experiences with Herpes. Also, if their are any doctors or registered nurses here that can speak up, that would be wonderful.

Do you have Herpes? Have you had sex with someone who has herpes? Would you have protected sex with someone who has Herpes? What are your thoughts?

Also...would you have casual, protected sex with someone who has Herpes? Please explain why you would or would not.

I am divided on the issue right now...

On one hand I'm telling myself: "Move on Steven, there will be others, it's not worth the risk."

On the other: "It's not a big deal, you'l be fine. This in itself is not a good enough reason to not want to get to know her and become intimate with her."

Another fear: If I have sex with her, contract Herpes...will she be the last woman I have sex with?

Oh the sad ironies

 

[red_rose]

Oh wow. Damn... I don't even know what to say. I've never been in that situation and I'm (thankfully) STD free.

Doesn't it just seem like whenever something looks too good to be true... it is?

 

[Rubyfruit]

.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I don't have it, nor does anyone I know have it. According to what I've read, there's a good chance you'll get it if you have sex with this person. There is such a thing as asymptomatic transmission.

If you haven't, call your doctor and have a nice phone chat with him/her before you get intimate with this girl. We do have some nurses on the board.

 

[Mischka]

I have a really good friend that just went through this exact same dilemma. It's an enormously difficult decision, Zam, and I'm sorry you're facing it.

One of my aunts contracted herpes in her carefree youth. She eventually met the love of her life, married, and they had a wonderful child together. My uncle just recently passed, and they were as much in love at the end of his life as in the beginning of their relationship.

So sometimes herpes doesn't matter. But unless you're feeling seriousl fireworks about this woman, it can cloud the situation. My friend chose to move on, because despite being as wonderful a woman she was, she wasn't "it" for him. My uncle made the opposite choice, and was infinitely happy with his decision.

 

[tswyk]

Zam -

First of all - she must be pretty decent to have this conversation with you at all - she gets MAJOR POINTS in my book for that.

I dated a man with herpes for several years about 15 years ago. There's meds you can take to prevent out-breaks - but I'm not going to dispense medical advice here - see a doctor or have her see one if she hasn't already.

Don't give up on her because of this - in the big scheme of things, this is a minor blimp on the radar.

Hugs,

t

 

[Zamdrist]

Thank you Ruby and KM for sharing your thoughts.

I know that there are a wide range of symptoms and levels of severity in Herpes. I'm assuming she has genital herpes (Simplex 2?) since we were talking about sex at the time.

I need to confirm more of that. I will ask her how often.

 

[medjay]

Years ago, I was in a relationship with a woman who waited almost a year to tell me she had herpes. I was pissed off, of course, because we'd been having unprotected sex the whole time.

After yelling and cursing for a while I decided, what the fuck? If I was going to catch it I would have caught it already and we kept fucking for another six months.

After we broke up I went down to the clinic and they told me I didn't have herpes or anything else. Guess I was just lucky.

 

[SXCRgirl]

I'm sorry to hear that you're at a crossroad Zam. It's a difficult enough decision to figure out whether you want to go ahead with a relationship, adding a health risk to it makes it even more daunting.

I don't have herpes but a very good friend of mine had to deal with this decision three years ago. The man she fell in love with contracted this disease in his youth. She decided to go ahead and have a relationship with him and were very careful about it. They both went to her doctor to discuss health risks and how to go about *living* with this disease with the minimum of risk.

They eventually broke up because of other circumstances and she is disease free.

I don't know if this helped, but good luck in your decision. If you are at all uncomfortable about this, please talk to her and your doctor about this.

 

[Zamdrist]

Some great advice here and god I appreciate the thoughtfulness.

Can you honestly answer this...would YOU have casual sex, protected casual sex with someone you know has Herpes?

 

[Zamdrist]

Zam -

First of all - she must be pretty decent to have this conversation with you at all - she gets MAJOR POINTS in my book for that.
t

Quite frankly, that would be the LEAST I would expect.

Had I found out afterwards, I would be so OUT of that relationship her head would spin.

No, it's expected.

That said...thank you for relaying your story Tswyk, I appreciate it!

 

[pipercatt]

Some great advice here and god I appreciate the thoughtfulness.

Can you honestly answer this...would YOU have casual sex, protected casual sex with someone you know has Herpes?

This question came up for me a few months ago, and I eventually decided not to be intimate with the person involved. My reasoning was because I was married, and I wasn't just risking myself, but my husband, and his girlfriend.

 

[SXCRgirl]

For me, it all depends on how emotionally connected I feel to him. If I feel like this relationship has the potential to be *THE ONE*, I would have protected sex with him. There are no guarantees in life and you have to weigh your choices carefully. If you have unprotected sex with her and eventually contract this disease and things do not work out, how would you feel?

 

[lilminx]

Zam, you have been given some really good advice already, but I just wanted to let you know a couple of things.

Has she ever had an outbreak? My gynecologist told me, when I wanted to get tested for EVERY STD, that there was no point in me getting tested for herpes unless I have had an actual outbreak. Many people get some form of oral herpes as children, and in the STD tests they test positive for herpes. Find out what her circumstances were for having herpes.

My roomate in college may or may not have herpes. She went to the school clinic because she was having problems down there. She had a Pap smear and nothing was ever said to her about anything afterwards- they just gave her some yeast infection cream. The next time she went there for a regular checkup, she glanced in her folder and saw that it said she had herpes- she was never notified. She has never had an outbreak, and she was told that unless she ever has an actual outbreak, they can't be sure she has it. Apparently, the problem she was having when she went the first time didn't resemble an outbreak.

A good friend of mine dated another of my friends who has herpes. They used condoms all the time, and he never performed oral sex on her. It wasn't an issue between them.

 

[Zamdrist]

For me, it all depends on how emotionally connected I feel to him. If I feel like this relationship has the potential to be *THE ONE*, I would have protected sex with him. There are no guarantees in life and you have to weigh your choices carefully. If you have unprotected sex with her and eventually contract this disease and things do not work out, how would you feel?

That's exactly what's going through my head.

I most certainly would not have unprotected sex with her for the forseeable future.

What about oral sex? I don't even want to think about a dental dam...

 

[Zamdrist]

A good friend of mine dated another of my friends who has herpes. They used condoms all the time, and he never performed oral sex on her. It wasn't an issue between them.

This is what I was afraid of

Thank you lilminx.

 

[SXCRgirl]

That's exactly what's going through my head.

I most certainly would not have unprotected sex with her for the forseeable future.

What about oral sex? I don't even want to think about a dental dam...

For me, I probably wouldn't.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Well, I would have sex with him/her if s/he was someone I would spend a great deal of my life with. Protected of course. I don't want to risk the herpes or the pregnancy that might result. What my meds do to fetuses is unconscienable.

It depends on the relationship. Casually? Not in a billion years. Intercourse is out. Seriously? If it could be gotten around, definitely.

If you're that strongly into a relationship with her, then she could even take you along to her next pap. Talk about intimacy! Not to witness it, but to spend some time with her gyno getting hard medical facts.

 

[Zamdrist]

I suspect and fear that the following is likely true:

In a new relationship where a man has herpes, the woman doesn't, she would be more hesitant to have sex than if the reverse was true.

In other words, were I to contract Herpes it might very well be the last time I have sex with a non-infected woman.

Make sense? Chauvinist? Ignorant?

I don't know...so much going through my head right now.

 

[Zamdrist]

WOW

This makes a HUGE amount of sense.

http://www.ashastd.org/hrc/hrcpartner.html

"In an intimate, sexual relationship with a person who has herpes, the risk of contracting the infection will never be zero. Some couples have sexual relationships for years without transmitting herpes just by avoiding sexual contact during outbreaks, using condoms regularly and using suppressive antiviral therapy to reduce outbreaks. Couples deal successfully with herpes all the time. For many, it is a minor inconvenience. Since herpes does not pose a serious health risk, some couples choose not to use condoms in a long-term relationship. If you’re not sure about the relationship or you’re uncomfortable with the risk, consider delaying intimacy for a while. Get to know your partner better and give yourself time. Remember, all relationships face challenges, most far tougher than herpes. Good relationships stand or fall on far more important issues--including communication, respect and trust."

 

[Rubyfruit]

.

 

[Zamdrist]

Simply because it's in the genital region and has to do with SEX, it has a stigma.

Is that so unusual or odd?

I am educating myself, bear with me.

More from that website: http://www.ashastd.org/hrc/educate.html

"How common is herpes?

About 50 percent to 80 percent of the adult population in the United States has oral herpes.

Most people contract oral herpes when they are children by receiving a kiss from a friend or relative.

About one in five adults in the United States have genital herpes, however at least 80 percent are unaware that they have the virus.

Anyone who is sexually active can contract genital herpes."

 

[Rubyfruit]

Is that so unusual or odd?

I think it should be considered odd, yes, but I realize it isn't.

This is one of the reasons that in my house a penis is called a penis and a vagina is called a vagina. It is simply another body part to name for my kids.

 

[curvacious]

Just wanted to add my .02
Simplex 1 and Simplex 2 as describers for the virus are pretty much null anymore. Either simplex can be found on the genitals or around the mouth. I occasionally break out with a cold sore (see---we don't even call it herpes when it's oral---there is a stigma attached to it unfortunately) and so I'm very careful to "listen" to my body. If I feel at all like I'm getting a cold sore I will not kiss my SO, nor will I perform oral sex on him. I don't want to transfer the virus to him, nor do I want to have it transferred to me in the genital region. In my past relationships I have been clear with those people (and the current one) that I do have herpes and occasionally I get an outbreak on the corner of my mouth and that it means that there is a slight chance that I could transfer it to them during kissing or oral sex even though no sore is present.

 

[Zamdrist]

*bump*

Thanks curvacious for relaying your story.