Helping my girlfriend help herself

[GardenGrove327]

Hey all,
So, I've got this amazing girlfriend who is so beautiful and kind and loving and sexual. She means the world to me.
She had never masturbated before we began dating, and she only started trying a few weeks ago (we don't live close to each other ). She builds fantasies in her head in the shower etc., begins working down her body, and playing with herself, except that she feels nothing. With me, she started off feeling pleasure but never being able to take it to the next level - she's now multiorgasmic. But, again, she doesn't feel anything when she touches herself. She says she can feel that her crotch is sensitive, but that when she plays with herself, she feels like she might as well just fondle her arm or something.

Anyone know why this might be, if there's anything to be done?

Thanks for all your help

 

[bisexualsmoker]

Never masterbated before?That's amazing really.

 

[GardenGrove327]

there are reasons why... just take that at face value.

 

[PertPerth]

Was she abused as a child? Or even just a one off "bad event"? I honestly think that she should talk to a psychologist if she has.
Try not to pressure her, different people move at different rates. Just keep being supportive of her (as it sounds like you are!)


There is another thread : How do you help someone get over being abused - http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=119289&page=113

 

[VelvetDarkness]

She clearly has serious psychological issues associated with sexual activity and pleasure. As much as you may want to help her, you are simply not qualified to deal with this. Any intervention or 'help' from you could make her worse instead of better. You really need to convince her to seek professional therapy. These things take time and psychiatric expertise to resolve. Any other course of action is just going to store things up for her in the long term I think.

Also, if she is trying to arouse herself specifically in order to try and resolve her issues on her own because she wants to be able to be intimate with you, that could backfire spectacularly. People who have been abused (i'm making that assumption but it seems fairly obvious that it's the case) are not always rational. If she starts having flashbacks or other psychiatric symptoms she may blame you for starting her on this road when her coping mechanism of not ever touching herself was working fine as far as she was concerned.

This is bigger than both of you, please encourage her to seek help.

 

[SweetErika]

Hey all,
So, I've got this amazing girlfriend who is so beautiful and kind and loving and sexual. She means the world to me.
She had never masturbated before we began dating, and she only started trying a few weeks ago (we don't live close to each other ). She builds fantasies in her head in the shower etc., begins working down her body, and playing with herself, except that she feels nothing. With me, she started off feeling pleasure but never being able to take it to the next level - she's now multiorgasmic. But, again, she doesn't feel anything when she touches herself. She says she can feel that her crotch is sensitive, but that when she plays with herself, she feels like she might as well just fondle her arm or something.

Anyone know why this might be, if there's anything to be done?

Thanks for all your help

So, what's the difference (physically and/or mentally) between touching herself and being with you? Does she feel anything when she touches herself when you two are together?

Before we all go making wild assumptions and guesses, it'd help if you gave us more information, like: Why hasn't she masturbated until now? Does she have negative associations with masturbation or believe something like 'pleasure is only OK/possible with a partner'? Is she relaxed and fantasizing (or reading hot stories, watching porn, or whatever floats her boat mentally) while she masturbates? Is she focusing on exploring and feeling, rather than orgasming? And anything else that might help us understand the situation better, too!

 

[imdivinin]

Patience

If she is open to it, ask her regarding previous abuse. If she has then it needs to be resolved. If not then maybe she is like my wife who took 10 years to finally bring herself to orgasm due to her upbringing that it was wrong unless I was doing it to her. Patience has just made our exploring that much more exciting due to anticipation

 

[GardenGrove327]

nonono, it's not that...
she just had a bad experience where a boy wasn't as subtle/chivalrous as he was supposed to be, so she was turned off of all of that for almost all of her post-pubescent life. She is not suffering from any kind of serious phycological damage... although she still might not be completely comfortable with the whole situation. She also wants me to tell you that I am not pressuring her.
At one point, though, I did pressure her, and that put an end to the situation. However, she began again under her own volition, without me even knowing.

 

[imdivinin]

As she is prob aware, the clit is the key, and she must start with very llight touch that is nearly a tickle. Can she have an orgasm with a bullet vibe? It might be better to start there so that she has success. Also laying on her stomach with her finger(s) on her clit and rubbing herself into her finger(s) might work.

 

[Runner_3]

Ive been with my gf for a year and a little over a month now and she has told me several times she never masturbated before me and the only time she has done it was when I wrote a story for her and the other time she did it in front of me cause I asked her too. I found it hard to believe cause everyone does it and its nothing to be ashamed about.

 

[Serendipity_444]

Hey all,
So, I've got this amazing girlfriend who is so beautiful and kind and loving and sexual. She means the world to me.
She had never masturbated before we began dating, and she only started trying a few weeks ago (we don't live close to each other ). She builds fantasies in her head in the shower etc., begins working down her body, and playing with herself, except that she feels nothing. With me, she started off feeling pleasure but never being able to take it to the next level - she's now multiorgasmic. But, again, she doesn't feel anything when she touches herself. She says she can feel that her crotch is sensitive, but that when she plays with herself, she feels like she might as well just fondle her arm or something.

Anyone know why this might be, if there's anything to be done?

Thanks for all your help

I think she is inhibited is all. Girls are built more complex than guys. IF I had a cock, I'd be playing with it all of the time. We ladies have clits as cocks and they are more hidden. I never knew mine existed until my removable shower head sprayed against it when I was 15. It buckled my knees it was so intense. From there, I explored that sensitive area but never for a lover. It took years to get over that self conscious behavior of masturbation being dirty. It is just going to take her time to explore all of her erogenous zones.

 

[GardenGrove327]

yeah, i've told her that if she explores and so on, then she'll eventually become more comfortable with it and will be able to get over the mental barriers. I figure if my fingers can pleasure her, then it's just a mental thing that's preventing her fingers from doing the same thing. Any way she can get over that mental block any faster?

She is afraid to use toys, by the way, because she wants to keep her pleasure "natural." She's also heard a rumor about becoming dependent on toys for satisfaction. can anyone verify that?

 

[SweetErika]

yeah, i've told her that if she explores and so on, then she'll eventually become more comfortable with it and will be able to get over the mental barriers. I figure if my fingers can pleasure her, then it's just a mental thing that's preventing her fingers from doing the same thing. Any way she can get over that mental block any faster?

She is afraid to use toys, by the way, because she wants to keep her pleasure "natural." She's also heard a rumor about becoming dependent on toys for satisfaction. can anyone verify that?

She can get over the mental block by really wanting to, practicing and praising herself for working on it.

I've been using vibrators for well over a decade and am still not dependent on them. I'm also not dependent on fingers, mouths or cocks, even after having a lot of sex for a long time. And you're probably not dependent on using your hand to get off, right?

A person can become habituated to getting off a certain way, but when that stimulation is removed for a period, their body is very likely to snap right back to getting off other ways. ("Very likely" because once in awhile someone has a true fetish that must be fulfilled in order to get off or will do permanent damage by using something that's unsafe, but that's not likely to happen with actual sex toys; it might with power tools, vacuum cleaners, restricting blood flow too long, etc.)

And then there are some people who need a certain type of stimulation to get off. For instance, they might need the sensations or intensity a good vibe provides because that's just how they are or they're on a medication that dulls sensation or they have some kind of physical problem that necessitates more stimulation. But, since your gf can get off with your fingers, this doesn't apply to her.

You might propose that sex toys can be a hell of a lot of fun to use alone and together for both sexes and you believe ALL orgasms are perfectly natural and it doesn't matter where the orgasms are coming from as long as the person's enjoying themselves. I'm thinking maybe if you're vocal about your positive beliefs regarding sexuality, her negative beliefs will fade. It'll probably take some time, but if you respond to something like "sex toys are unnatural" with "I think they can be really exciting and all pleasure is perfectly natural" she just might start changing her views and embracing her sexuality.

How cool would it be to be the one to help her start to love her sexual self, which is a gift she can enjoy for the rest of her life?

 

[TBKahuna123]

You know, I'm surprised no one has mentioned the one big difference between the two situations. As I'm reading this, when she is with you, she experiences pleasure and is multiorgasmic. When she tries to masturbate, it just doesn't do anything for her. Sounds to me like the missing component there is you.

Now, before that sounds totally condescending and GardenGrove gets a big head, what I mean is that maybe what she is missing is the emotional connection. My wife is much the same way. Though I had a hard time believing her at first, she swears she very rarely masturbates because it just isn't the same. She needs that human touch, that partner's presence for her to orgasm. I've said a dozen times that a woman's orgasm is at least 50% mental, so why not in this case.

You mentioned not livign nearby. If the goal here is mutual pleasure during phone/internet chat, tell her to think of it as if you are there, because really you are. Though it may be her fingers doing the actual stimulation, you are there with her emotional and there is a definite connection. Sometimes that connection can be extremely intense, because your imagination is involved.

On the toy thing, my wife had a really hard time with that too. She felt like using toys meant something was wrong and that we needed something else to experience pleasure. As I told her, the simple fact is that toys are fun. Sure you can over use them, but who doesn't like to play with a toy now and then, so why not in the bedroom. It doesn't mean anything is wrong or deficient, it just means toys are fun, and sex should be fun too.

Discovering one's sexuality is a journey, and sometimes a long one. Don't be discouraged, and tell her not to pressure herself either! Such a journey should be enjoyed.

 

[SilverandBlack]

You know, I'm surprised no one has mentioned the one big difference between the two situations. As I'm reading this, when she is with you, she experiences pleasure and is multiorgasmic. When she tries to masturbate, it just doesn't do anything for her. Sounds to me like the missing component there is you.

Now, before that sounds totally condescending and GardenGrove gets a big head, what I mean is that maybe what she is missing is the emotional connection. My wife is much the same way. Though I had a hard time believing her at first, she swears she very rarely masturbates because it just isn't the same. She needs that human touch, that partner's presence for her to orgasm. I've said a dozen times that a woman's orgasm is at least 50% mental, so why not in this case.

You mentioned not livign nearby. If the goal here is mutual pleasure during phone/internet chat, tell her to think of it as if you are there, because really you are. Though it may be her fingers doing the actual stimulation, you are there with her emotional and there is a definite connection. Sometimes that connection can be extremely intense, because your imagination is involved.

On the toy thing, my wife had a really hard time with that too. She felt like using toys meant something was wrong and that we needed something else to experience pleasure. As I told her, the simple fact is that toys are fun. Sure you can over use them, but who doesn't like to play with a toy now and then, so why not in the bedroom. It doesn't mean anything is wrong or deficient, it just means toys are fun, and sex should be fun too.

Discovering one's sexuality is a journey, and sometimes a long one. Don't be discouraged, and tell her not to pressure herself either! Such a journey should be enjoyed.

I completly agree with that assumption. I never once masterbated before my hubby, then boyfriend, asked me to. It took awhile for me to be okay with touching myself and even longer to hit orgasim. He told me that it was really him doing it and he would constantly ask me what I was doing and how it made me feel. We talked through the experiance in such detail that I truly felt he was the one making me feel good and not myself.

To this day (7 years later) I still much prefer his touch to anything I, or the showerhead, can do. It's the intamicy, the connection, that I need....my hand does the trick but it's not completly satisfiying.