SassyWench
Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2002
- Posts
- 32
Helpful Criticism sought
- Thread starter SassyWench
- Start date
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
Whoa! I had trouble with this from the start and couldn't get to the end. There's a lot of things you do well, but you seem to do them all at once!
Here's the first three paragraphs:
(1) Mmm, his voice ..conjurs up vivid images of a couple engaged in a variety of sexual positions. She's never kept it a secret that she has had a crush on him. Why should she? They had become pretty good friends and were open as well as honest with each other. To see the two fight, whoa! One might think that these two good friends were actually a married couple. But in the end, they never can stay angry with each other for too long, and it blows over soon enough.
Right away the image is confused. "His voice conjures up an image of a couple?" Does he talk like a man and a woman at the same time? What do "a couiple engaged in a variety of sexual positions" sound like?
Second sentence, the verb tenses diagree. "She's" doesn';t agree with "has had". It should be "She's...had..." Then the "Why should she?" actually asks us why should she never have kept it a secret. What?
Your verb tenses are all over the place: present tense, past tense, past perfect. the result is we don't know where we are in time.
On to paragraph 2:
(2) They had met in a chatroom. In fact, it was an argument that brought them to this point. Upon their very first meeting, they clashed. She was hot-headed and fiery tempered, confident; maybe even stuck up. He was arrogant and crude, definitely had an ego that would make any woman want to reach right the monitor and slap him. Looking back now, their personalities drew them together, and probably keeps them together. As good friends.
Brought them to what point? The point we're at now? What point is that? Does "this point" refer to their first meeting?
"any woman want to reach right the monitor" There's a word missing here. The image is awkward anyhow.
Then: you've just told us how unsuited they are for each other and how they fight all the time, now you tell us their personalities keep them together.
Okay, forget paragraph 3. It goes on like this.
What you've got to do is concentrate on telling the story. That means: tell us what happened. Better yet, show us what happened. Forget the clever asides and editorializing, the description of personalities and voices. Just tell us what happens, one thing at a time. Be a reporter, not an interpreter.
You might benefit from telling the story in first person: making one of the characters the narrator. Using third person as you do, we expect the narrator to be more objective and less opinionated.
Also, watch your verb tenses. It gets terribly confusing when you mix tenses in one paragraph.
All the best, and hope this helps,
--dr.M.
Here's the first three paragraphs:
(1) Mmm, his voice ..conjurs up vivid images of a couple engaged in a variety of sexual positions. She's never kept it a secret that she has had a crush on him. Why should she? They had become pretty good friends and were open as well as honest with each other. To see the two fight, whoa! One might think that these two good friends were actually a married couple. But in the end, they never can stay angry with each other for too long, and it blows over soon enough.
Right away the image is confused. "His voice conjures up an image of a couple?" Does he talk like a man and a woman at the same time? What do "a couiple engaged in a variety of sexual positions" sound like?
Second sentence, the verb tenses diagree. "She's" doesn';t agree with "has had". It should be "She's...had..." Then the "Why should she?" actually asks us why should she never have kept it a secret. What?
Your verb tenses are all over the place: present tense, past tense, past perfect. the result is we don't know where we are in time.
On to paragraph 2:
(2) They had met in a chatroom. In fact, it was an argument that brought them to this point. Upon their very first meeting, they clashed. She was hot-headed and fiery tempered, confident; maybe even stuck up. He was arrogant and crude, definitely had an ego that would make any woman want to reach right the monitor and slap him. Looking back now, their personalities drew them together, and probably keeps them together. As good friends.
Brought them to what point? The point we're at now? What point is that? Does "this point" refer to their first meeting?
"any woman want to reach right the monitor" There's a word missing here. The image is awkward anyhow.
Then: you've just told us how unsuited they are for each other and how they fight all the time, now you tell us their personalities keep them together.
Okay, forget paragraph 3. It goes on like this.
What you've got to do is concentrate on telling the story. That means: tell us what happened. Better yet, show us what happened. Forget the clever asides and editorializing, the description of personalities and voices. Just tell us what happens, one thing at a time. Be a reporter, not an interpreter.
You might benefit from telling the story in first person: making one of the characters the narrator. Using third person as you do, we expect the narrator to be more objective and less opinionated.
Also, watch your verb tenses. It gets terribly confusing when you mix tenses in one paragraph.
All the best, and hope this helps,
--dr.M.
SassyWench
Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2002
- Posts
- 32
It helps very much, ty ty ty ty ty!
SassyWench
Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2002
- Posts
- 32
I'd appreciate it if you could. ladyice@core.com
