Help with part of a new story

[Zaudika]

Hey everyone,
I've been working on a new story and was wanting to ask for some possible help on part of it. It's based off of the first story I wrote (bdsm dom/sub relationship) .. and there's a section in it that no matter what I do with it, I don't like the way it sounds.
It's only a couple of paragraphs, and if someone would be willing to look at it, that'd be awesome. Send me a PM or let me know here..
Thanks a bunch,
Zaudika

 

[BlueRhino]

post the para here?

why not paste the paragraphs here and let the board readers give you some instant feedback?

 

[kristydoll]

always willing - but a good idea above as well

kristy

 

[Zaudika]

here we go

Part of the reason I didn't want to post the story here is cause its kind of like giving away part of the story, before someone actually gets a chance to read the whole thing. It's no problem though, and since this part is driving me insane, the feedback is definitely needed.
The paragraphs are from a spanking scene in the story. The Dom is having her count aloud as he does it... it's the whole counting thing that's bugging me more than anything. I just can't get it to sounding like I want it to...... any comments or suggestions would be great. ((Parts like the "M-Sir" won't really make sense until the rest of the story is with it.)

“I want you to count out loud each time I slap you with the paddle?”
“Yes M-Sir” she stuttered.
The paddling started again, gentler this time. The first couple of hits aimed more against the lower part of her ass, partially on her thighs. She counted as instructed.
“One…Two…Three…Four…Five,”
“Six,” as she said it the paddle again hit hard enough to rock her forward and she gasped a little for breath.
“Seven!…” she jumped, giving a small squeal. He had hit her again much quicker than expected.
“Eight!” A small scream came and she strained to not move away. The hits were getting harder and the pain was getting horrible. Not only was her ass sore, but her nipples, and labia from the weights that swung..
“Nine!!” She yelled the number as she fell forward off of her elbows. Her first thought was that the cool wood felt wonderful against her straining nipples as they got a tiny taste of relief from the weights hanging from them. It was a thought that lasted only a split second before he had grabbed her shoulder, forcing her up again while simultaneously bringing the paddle down again on her ass, harder than he probably ever had before.
She screamed and struggled, trying to cover her bright red and swollen ass with her hands.
“You little bitch!” He smacked her hands away, grabbing them and holding them in front of her before slapping her hard once more.
“TEN!” she screamed instinctively. Her mind desperately hoping that perhaps it would bring him to stop.
Still holding her hands he pulled her backwards on the table against him, placing his other hand on her lower belly to press her body more tightly against his.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” she sobbed at him, turning her head to the side. His coarse clothing felt like rough sandpaper against her sensitive and stinging ass.

 

[kristydoll]

Oh, I do understand how hard counting can be to write - I don't envy you and I hope you get some various methods here to help you. I will take a stab at this here (as one idea).


The paddling started again, gentler this time. The first couple of hits connected against the lower part of her ass, landing partially on her thighs. She counted the two blows as instructed.

Whack!

"Three," she gasped. Four, five and six followed, barely allowing time to catch her breath between them.

Whack!

"Six." As she said it, the paddle connected hard enough to rock her forward and leave her panting. She cried out, "seven" in agony. The next two came faster than expected. The hits were getting harder and the pain horrible. Not only was her ass sore, but also her nipples and labia from the weights that swung from them.

She fell forward off her elbows while counting the ninth blow. Her first thought was that the cool wood felt wonderful against her straining nipples, giving them a tiny taste of relief from the weights. It was a thought that only lasted a split second before he grabbed her shoulder, forcing her up again while simultaneously bringing the paddle down on her ass, harder than he ever had before.

She screamed and struggled, trying to cover her bright red swollen ass with her hands.

"You little bitch!" He smacked her hands away, grabbing them and holding them in front of her before slapping her hard once more.

"TEN!" she screamed. Her mind desperately hoped that it would bring him to stop.

Still holding...

good luck - you'll get it!

kristy

 

[Zaudika]

Thank you Kristy!.. That does really help with some ideas on how to break it up and make it sound better!....
-Z

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Counting

Kristydoll gives a good example of how to do it. I myself try to avoid "Whack!", but sometimes it's unavoidable.

I've done some spanking scenes ("Morxay Cosmetics") where I wanted to describe each blow, and that's what you have to do: describe each blow. You can group 2 or 3 together, but in this case you want to describe a progression as the spanking gets harder and more painful.
To keep a repetitive act like this from seeming, well, repetitive, you've got to make the blows (or groups of them) diiferent. You might describe the first few stinging, then how she twists & tries to avoid them. What happens when her body rocks from the spanking and the weights on her breasts start to swing? Or when he stops to roll up his sleeves or feel how warm her ass is getting? And at some point a beaten ass gets numb, then it starts to ache deep inside. She starts to gasp, maybe sob. She can't catch her breath to keep up the count, or she starts shreiking out the numbers between her tears. Maybe he insists she count louder. Details, details, details.

And is that all she feels is pain? Isn't there some perverse pleasure she gets from being beaten as well? Why is she getting excityed? Her helplessness? His anger?

I find it nice to describe the Dom's growing excitement as well, the way he starts to sweat and pant, his growing arousal at the sight of her pain.

One thing to look out for is to make sure the sentence rhythm is varied, otherwise it gets a "1, 2 buckle my shoe" type of repetitiousness.

---dr.M.

 

[Zaudika]

Re: Counting

Kristydoll gives a good example of how to do it. I myself try to avoid "Whack!", but sometimes it's unavoidable.

Thank you for your feedback as well Dr.M.. I did already make a few revisions, and submitted what I have of the story so far. I'm constantly still working to change things and improve things even after it's submitted, so again a big thanks for more ideas..
-Z