Help with my new poem. Hope you enjoy.

[lorencino]

This is my first quest for opinions and editing help with my new line of poetry. I promise to look at yours, if you look at mine.

This poem is called Eros, be my guide. and is in 5 verses

1
cock

2
cunt

3
cock and cunt
cock and cunt
cock and cunt
(all together now)
cock and cunt
cock and cunt
cock ’n cunt
cock ’n cunt
cock ’n cunt
(louder)
kokkenkunt
kokkenkunt
kokkenkunt
Kokenkunt
KoKenkunt
KoKenKunT
KOKENKUNT
KOKENKUNT
KOKENKUNT


4
COCK
AND
CUNT

5
PUSSY
prickenpussy
kokkenkunt
prickenpussy
s h i t - p i s s s l u R R R p
kuntencock
Oh FUUUUCK
kokenCUNT
kokenCUNT
brokencOck
swollen, dripping C _ _t

 

[butters]

well now

let me see

it has a certain


rhythm


*snerk*

not sure if I'd recommend Viagra for this poem or a splint for the broken kokken at the enden

it brings things to focus on the action. AH! this is an ACTION poem!

I'd suggest a change of pace half-way through and drop the SHLURPIN ffs!

 

[lorencino]

well now

let me see

it has a certain


rhythm


*snerk*

not sure if I'd recommend Viagra for this poem or a splint for the broken kokken at the enden

it brings things to focus on the action. AH! this is an ACTION poem!

I'd suggest a change of pace half-way through and drop the SHLURPIN ffs!

Thank you sooooo much for taking the trouble to allow my poem to enter your private space and for giving such careful consideration to its strengths and such good advice on overcoming its weak points and I am going to have to spend a little time digesting your suggestions in order to most effectively rewrite my poem and when I have finished I'll re-post my new attempt and when I'm become a famous poet, I'll remember the help you gave me, you sweet wonderful person.

 

[butters]

Thank you sooooo much for taking the trouble to allow my poem to enter your private space and for giving such careful consideration to its strengths and such good advice on overcoming its weak points and I am going to have to spend a little time digesting your suggestions in order to most effectively rewrite my poem and when I have finished I'll re-post my new attempt and when I'm become a famous poet, I'll remember the help you gave me, you sweet wonderful person.

lmao

 

[butters]

yanno, I'm so glad you aren't so precious about your poem as to be completely closed to suggestions and take them in the vein they are intended. After all, all I have are opinions - feel free to use or lose. Your poem at the end of the proverbial.


remember me when you're famous.

make that rich

 

[lorencino]

yanno, I'm so glad you aren't so precious about your poem as to be completely closed to suggestions and take them in the vein they are intended. After all, all I have are opinions - feel free to use or lose. Your poem at the end of the proverbial.


remember me when you're famous.

make that rich

Well if poems like this do make me rich I will gladly share the glory and the wealth with those who helped me in my stumbling days.

 

[lorencino]

Rewrite following good advice

well now

let me see

it has a certain


rhythm


*snerk*

not sure if I'd recommend Viagra for this poem or a splint for the broken kokken at the enden

it brings things to focus on the action. AH! this is an ACTION poem!

I'd suggest a change of pace half-way through and drop the SHLURPIN ffs!

Based on the wise suggestions of CB, I have amended my earlier efforts to ensure that this poem reads with greater clarity and to enhance it's better qualities. For the sake of internal cohesion, I have also renamed the poem.

Humpety Dumpety Doo—A poem in 5 Acts

Act 1
Hump

Act 2
Dump

Act 3
dum ti dum
dum ti dum
dum ti dum
(all together now)
dum bi dum
dum bi dum
dumb di dum
dumb di dum
dumb di dum
(louder)
dumbendumb
dumbendumb
dumbendumb
DumbenDumb
DumbEnDumb
DumbENDumb
DUMBENDumb
DUMBENDUMB
DUMBENDUMB


Act 4
DUMB
ASS
DUMN

Act 5
IDIOT
fokenstupid
dumbendumb
fokenstupid
do wah wailing woo
I've come to take Yoooou
to a place . . .
a very, verie special place


(OK! Howzat for ACTION)

(OK if this does not get rave reviews I'm just going to stop work-shopping my poems here. Don't see why I should be casting swine over all the pearls here.)

 

[butters]

you are a bad bad man, lori
prevaricating again.
a sidewaysexcursion indeedy.