Help with my girlfriend......

[Oralfix4cats]

Advice is needed here, my girlfriend and I have been dating for two months now and have been having sex the entire time. for the first month it was a breeze to get her to cum. She tells me now before her climax's that she gets random thoughts in her head which turns her off. She says its not because shes bored but i'm pretty sure thats it. Anyone have any ideas for getting this girl off. I'm in need here.

 

[5pintshefound]

are you sure sehs not got some other stress going on in her life? i had a problem like that with my husband a long time ago, but it was because of a psych disorder that i have... {no imnot saying she has a psych disorder. that was just my problem}
my husband even wrote about the problem on lit...i just dont remember where....

also, do you change 'it' up for her? or is it the same routine day in and day out.

~5phf

 

[Oralfix4cats]

I change it up as much as I can and to me its always different but this has been my first girl that I have been sexual with so i really have nothing to go by. She does stress a lot though she can't ever seem to have a good day unless we stay in the whole day and have sex. I'm not making this up either, we both liked it now it just seems impossible to get to her though. Thanx for the info though.

are you sure sehs not got some other stress going on in her life? i had a problem like that with my husband a long time ago, but it was because of a psych disorder that i have... {no imnot saying she has a psych disorder. that was just my problem}
my husband even wrote about the problem on lit...i just dont remember where....

also, do you change 'it' up for her? or is it the same routine day in and day out.

~5phf

 

[chris9]

I hate my head sometimes
When my bf and I were into the first few months of our relationship, I sometimes couldn't orgasm either. I was just getting relaxed (right until I felt there was no way to 'make it' and I felt guilty about him trying so hard), having my usual 'pre-sleep' thoughts running through my head. I found out that I have to occupy my mind with sex, dreaming up fantasies. Not the most romantic thing, I know, but just feeling him isn't enough to keep my mind on the task at hand -so to speak-
If she is very stressed right before sex, maybe you two can work out a relax routine, like taking a hot bath, a massage, a bit of sleeping, cuddling, watching a DVD, something non-sexual that will allow her to get her mind away from the stressing life.
If she doesn't do already, it might also help if she reads some of the stories on Lit or somewhere else, or watches a porn. Then she can get some ideas what to think about while 'doing it' that turn her on (helps for me when my mind slows down in coming up with own fantasies).
First thing to do, though, is talking a lot with her. Maybe she has something she would like to try, maybe she can show you what she likes, maybe she feels uncomfortable in bed with you because it went too fast. Or maybe she has no idea but feels that what you are doing you are doing well.
Anyway, talk, laugh (especially in bed), have fun, be patient!

 

[SweetErika]

Did you ask her what the distracting thoughts are?

I've had a problem with distraction and pressure, and even the thoughts of wanting to and my partner wanting me to make it NOT happen for me. The best things we did were to stop trying and I started fantasizing (it kept my mind away from other, less sexual distractions). Make your goal pleasure, not an orgasm, and it'll probably happen when you both least expect it.

She could also try masturbating with a story or fantasy and your help.

As far as you dealing with it, this is not your problem, and don't take it personally. Be a caring, giving lover, and don't let frustration or disappointment enter the picture. If you're in doubt, ask her if she enjoys sex when she doesn't come (I bet you'll get a resounding "YES!").

 

[SlyKitten]

Forget about her orgasm and have fun with her. Trying too hard seldom works. Play with her, have fun making her feel good, and lose the focus on her orgasm; she will feel less pressure to climax this way. Try not to pressure her i.e. do not say, "Did you cum? Have you had an orgasm yet? Cum... Cum... Why can't you cum?"

And I will reiterate what SweetErika said: sometimes we can enjoy sex even if we don't have an orgasm.

 

[Oralfix4cats]

Thank you Chris

The ideas are great, we have watched a porn together and I was thinking about getting another one. She is a silent one though, talking isn't a high point. But I do give her massages because her back is always hurting her. Maybe this is just a time thing. She has said I have been the best so far, which just confuses me because I want her to get the same pleasure that I'm getting and if i was already the best how do I top myself.

 

[Oralfix4cats]

SweetErika and SlyKitten, great words of advice. Because she still likes it and hasn't really complained, that just didn't make sense to me, but after hearing the same from more than one person I guess one can enjoy sex even without an orgasm. I'm done with the asking part now to, that does sound dumb when you put it that way. You guys have been great and I really love the advice, if you have anymore I love getting it.

 

[chris9]

The ideas are great, we have watched a porn together and I was thinking about getting another one. She is a silent one though, talking isn't a high point. But I do give her massages because her back is always hurting her. Maybe this is just a time thing. She has said I have been the best so far, which just confuses me because I want her to get the same pleasure that I'm getting and if i was already the best how do I top myself.

Yes, that is indeed a problem Maybe you two can grow and get better together.
Keep trying talking with her about sex. In the end talking is the best way to improve. I found that for me it's easier talking about sex when we are in the car, usually going home from a party, so it's dark. A bit like on the phone, but in person...
I believe it is quite difficult to have the same pleasure for each partner in a relationship. I know in mine it's not. My bf usually comes to fast for himself We solved this by going two times, so I have one strong orgasm, he has two smaller ones. Still, would feel better to have him feel better...
How did she like the porn you've seen together?

 

[SweetErika]

She has said I have been the best so far, which just confuses me because I want her to get the same pleasure that I'm getting and if i was already the best how do I top myself.

Even the best DO get better, especially as the relationship develops and love deepens. So it's not a matter of "topping" yourself, you simply have to give it time, try new things, and learn more about eachothers bodies.

I think most women define pleasure differently than men. For example, I get a ton of pleasure out of just being close to someone...touching, cuddling, kissing, and doing things that don't give me an orgasm. In other words, it's all about the journey and intimacy for me, versus the destination.

 

[Oralfix4cats]

How did she like the porn you've seen together?

We laughed so hard, but got really turned on, so we just had sex while the movie played, It was a softcore porn. I do suggest it if you want a laugh.

 

[chris9]

We laughed so hard, but got really turned on, so we just had sex while the movie played, It was a softcore porn. I do suggest it if you want a laugh.

Sounds like big fun! We have been wanting to watch one for some time now, never really made it though...

 

[Oralfix4cats]

SweetErika I see where your coming from now. The funny part is I started to have sex with her because i thought it would bring more pleasure her way. For me it was just waking up next to her. Still is.

 

[Oralfix4cats]

Sounds like big fun! We have been wanting to watch one for some time now, never really made it though...

Look for a movie called Sexual Urban Legends. Or something to that title. She also bought Carmen Electras strip workout videos. She hasn't watched one yet but I want to.

 

[SweetErika]

<snip> I found out that I have to occupy my mind with sex, dreaming up fantasies. Not the most romantic thing, I know, but just feeling him isn't enough to keep my mind on the task at hand -so to speak-

This is a slight tangent, but I had a tough time with the idea that I had to use fantasy when I was with another person...it seemed unromantic, selfish, and insulting to my partner. However, it worked like a charm, and I finally realized that there was absolutely nothing wrong with using it as a tool/trick to get to where we both wanted me to go, just like there's nothing wrong with other activities, positions, porn, and sex toys.

For anyone else who might have some cognitive dissonance with this, a big part of what made it easier was starting with masturbating and fantasizing like I do by myself, and slowly incorporating my partner into the mix. For example, if he is playing with my nipples, I imagine that happening in my fantasy, or if he's using soft touches, I might think of someone teasing, waiting to see how long I can handle not having an orgasm. In time (and I'm talking months to over a year), it's evolved to a point where I need very little or no fantasy, and generally come quickly.

However, there are times in which I still get distracted or stressed, and when that's the case, I just go back to masturbating with help and fantasizing... it's a comfort to know there's something that usually works. On the rare occasions it doesn't work or we don't try, it's not a big deal, and the mindblowing sex we still have is all the reward I need.

 

[Eilan]

I think most women define pleasure differently than men. For example, I get a ton of pleasure out of just being close to someone...touching, cuddling, kissing, and doing things that don't give me an orgasm. In other words, it's all about the journey and intimacy for me, versus the destination.

You know from my posts in other threads that I feel the same way.

Oralfix4cats, I suspect that you're allowing yourself to believe that you're an inadequate lover if your GF doesn't have an orgasm. Try not to get caught up in that line of thinking. Sex isn't necessarily about the O. If all your girlfriend wanted was an orgasm, she could achieve that without you, but I'm guessing that she wants the total package.

Be patient--this is a new relationship.

 

[Oralfix4cats]

i'm seeing what you guys are talking about now. I've been going about this all wrong and i'm going to just relax a bit. Thank you all very much for the info. Now all I need to know how to do is make it through the week.