Help with grief

[midwestyankee]

How do you say goodbye to a friend who is already gone? Can you shout loudly enough to tell the universe it screwed up? Can a memory ever fill a hole in your soul? I have no idea. But we all have to ask.

Is there anything more sturdy than the look in your wife's eyes that says I will hold you until time is done? No.

How do you look your son in the eye and tell him the future is his to own? Because, despite everything you know, everything you feel, and everything you remember, it is. It just is.

MWY

 

[ABN_Ranger]

Thank you... one and all. It's replies like the ones I just read and those before them that make me feel better inside. The responses that have appeared on this thread in less then 24 hours honor not only me... but Pooka. He would be as moved as I am right now, I guarantee that.

Thankfully, I'm on leave until the 14th... A good friend in my squadron worked the system and circumvented the proper channels and got my leave approved in less than 5 minutes. He has no clue how much I owe him for that. Oddly enough... in the past I have refered to him as my Air Force careers version of Pooka.

So for the next few days... I'm going to be spending as much time as needed with Ang and Alekz. Granted... I'll probaly take some "me" time here and there... but for the most part... I need them.

So once again... from a deeply touched and greatful Ranger... Thank-you my friends.


J

 

[midwestyankee]

Thank you... one and all. It's replies like the ones I just read and those before them that make me feel better inside. The responses that have appeared on this thread in less then 24 hours honor not only me... but Pooka. He would be as moved as I am right now, I guarantee that.

Thankfully, I'm on leave until the 14th... A good friend in my squadron worked the system and circumvented the proper channels and got my leave approved in less than 5 minutes. He has no clue how much I owe him for that. Oddly enough... in the past I have refered to him as my Air Force careers version of Pooka.

So for the next few days... I'm going to be spending as much time as needed with Ang and Alekz. Granted... I'll probaly take some "me" time here and there... but for the most part... I need them.

So once again... from a deeply touched and greatful Ranger... Thank-you my friends.


J

Ranger, I believe Ang mentioned in one of her posts that you bought yourself some scotch in Pooka's honor. When I settle down with a snifter of my favorite single malt and a few pages from Sheath in a few minutes, I will raise my glass to you and Pooka. Good friends are forever.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

If you don't mind, I will join in as well, lifting my glass of Gentleman Jack to a fallen comrade in arms, and to those who survive to tell the tales of heroism, bravery, recklessness, stupidity and love.

 

[ABN_Ranger]

Brian... MWY, I would be honored. Ya know... it's not everyday I cry. Thanks guys. As far as I'm concerned... if either of you are ever up this way... the first drink is on me.

Rangers Lead the Way!!!

J

 

[midwestyankee]

Brian... MWY, I would be honored. Ya know... it's not everyday I cry. Thanks guys. As far as I'm concerned... if either of you are ever up this way... the first drink is on me.

Rangers Lead the Way!!!

J

I have learned never to say never. Was in Boise in fact, not too many years ago, so I just never say I won't ever find myself somewhere.

But you won't get the chance to lead the way to the bar for the first round. Nope. That'll be mine.

 

[wideeyedgrin]

Ranger and CelticFrog,

Hang in there. This will get easier to deal with over time. I've buried enough friends and family members to know that part from experience.

One item to try to remember about your friend Pooka. That Silver Star he earned can be used to help his kids in the future. It's a long way off, but I believe that the children of recipients of the Silver Star can use that to get into one of the military acadamies.

 

[CelticFrog]

I believe that's true, WEG.

Hell, there's stuff available to Alekz because of Jason's two Purple Hearts.

Still, we want to help with the kids as much as possible despite the life insurance they'll receive and all the help from the family.

I think what moves me most to want to help with them is just simply the four men they're named after.

I mean, Holy Shit. Not an hour goes by that I don't get hit by that and think WHOA. Makes me relook name ideas for another kid, if we end up with a boy. The girl is set in stone, though.

I am still finding myself in disbelief -- as if they're playing an early April Fools' joke on us. I'll get past that. God knows I've been through this process so many damn times I can almost walk through it with my eyes closed.

All of y'alls support is really appreciated. Reminds me that here on lit there really are great people. That care.

Ang

 

[zhukov1943]

Ranger:

My condolences on the death of your friend. He sounded a lot like a friend of mine from Charlotte, NC, who was also killed in a car accident. He was coming back from Charleston after taking his ex-wife to see a specialist there...

I just wanted to suggest that if you wanted to get a hold of the other fire team member, the one who got out shortly after Bosnia, that there are websites dedicated to helping service buddies hook back up. I'm sure if you "google"-d it, you'd find at least three or four.

Good luck, Ranger.

 

[Missingmeds]

Military.com is a good place to start to look for someone that you want to find. They also have bulletin boards that offer support.

 

[SlowGuy]

Ang and Ranger,

At the end of the day you can't do any more than be there for each other. It's so little and yet so much.

I think you're lucky to have Alekz to remind you of the big picture.

The best way to gauge a man's character is by his friends, and by that measure, Pooka was a damn fine man.

I'll gladly raid my liquor cabinet and raise a glass of The Glenlivet to Pooka and his brothers.

Salute.

-- Slo

 

[midwestyankee]

Ang and Ranger,

At the end of the day you can't do any more than be there for each other. It's so little and yet so much.

I think you're lucky to have Alekz to remind you of the big picture.

The best way to gauge a man's character is by his friends, and by that measure, Pooka was a damn fine man.

I'll gladly raid my liquor cabinet and raise a glass of The Glenlivet to Pooka and his brothers.

Salute.

-- Slo

My Glenlivet tasted a little sweeter last night. I hope yours is as good.

 

[CelticFrog]

Military.com is a good place to start to look for someone that you want to find. They also have bulletin boards that offer support.

It is a good site, and we're both members. Even with all the good 'buddy finders' out there, John has remained particularly elusive.

Hell, I've found old buddies from Basic and AIT that by all rights should have been impossible to find since two of them had gotten married and moved WAY far away, even from the military.
Yet no John.

*sigh*

The Glenlivet bottle is sitting on the washing machine with two glasses' worth missing from it. Hasn't been touched since that first night. Pooka's glass sat on the entertainment center the whole night.

It's a good think *I* like scotch, or that whole bottle would go to waste after that night.

It's been quiet around here. J has been reading and playing FPS games on XBox and doing whatever else it takes to just survive. Tomorrow will be hell. Tomorrow is a VA appointment.

But we'll make it. And we have y'all to thank for a good portion of that strength.

Thanks, guys.

Ang

 

[Vixandra]

CelticFrog if theres anything else we can do let us know.

 

[Noor]

I am sorry for your loss Ranger and Ang.


If you would like help finding your buddy, I can try. I am fairly good at it, some might say scary.

Noor

 

[wideeyedgrin]

Another search site is Classmates.com. You can search under military, schools, jobs etc.

Alumni.net isn't as good, but is worth a try.

Doing a phone book search on white pages on the computer may pop his name up, or maybe a relative that knows where he is.

Good luck finding him.

 

[CelticFrog]

Thanks for all the advice about finding John. Rest assured, I have tried all of those outlets in the past.

If Etoile is the Google goddess, I'm the Dogpile one.

And I have searched for every human finding thing (short of paying out the hind end for one) possible.

John has dropped off the face of the earth, and it's quite possible he wanted to. The PTSD that Jason's facing is probably rearing its ugly head in John's life too.

Anyhow, today went better than we expected with his therapy appointment, and although we still kinda catch ourselves sniffling here and there (mostly when reading this thread or sheath's livejournal entry about us) we're really lucky to be together through this -- we are each other's strength.

*sigh*
I have a hell of a marriage.

Ang

 

[CelticFrog]

*sigh*

He drank last night.

More than he should have in any situation, but especially this one.

It has been an incredibly rough night, one where I spent a good portion of it just... listening. I washed out an empty garbage pail in case he needed it... thankfully, no. I did everything I could think of to ease his pain, and I think I did okay.

Still, I feel like the worst person, the worst WIFE in the world. When he was at his worst, when I was worried that his sobs would bring a bout of physical illness (he managed to eat not fully cooked chicken on the way to the bar and STILL drank even though he was already feeling sick... another rant entirely) I could not deal with myself. I could not stand the fact that I didn't know if I could avoid walking away if he got sick. I feel like I should be so strong right now, and understanding of why he broke his promise not to drink that much ever again. I feel like I failed him with every negative thought I had of him last night.

I feel guilty when I feel even the slightest twinge of upset that he's not up right now helping me with Alekz. That he's not awake to spend time with his family outside today like we were supposed to. I feel like a selfish, heartless bitch.

I've had four hours of sleep. Yeah, that could be part of why I'm drowning in emotion right now. I'd go take a nap now that I've put Alekz down for one, but I know I can't sleep. I know that if I were to go lie next to him right now, my mind would start racing and I would have imaginary conversations in my head that would break my heart.

I want to scream but I have no air for it.
I want to cry but my eyes refuse to.
I want to be mad but my heart won't let me.
I want to be strong but every part of me says I am weak.

Why the FUCK does this shit have to happen?

Ang

 

[Tat2mom]

You also need to take some time for yourself right now. Even if it's just an hour in the tub. I hope you fell better.

 

[sheath]

Re: *sigh*

I want to scream but I have no air for it.
I want to cry but my eyes refuse to.
I want to be mad but my heart won't let me.
I want to be strong but every part of me says I am weak.

Why the FUCK does this shit have to happen?

Ang

Because right now, he is lost and wandering through some kind of hell that none of us can understand. It doesn't excuse him for drinking like that and breaking a promise, no. But it does give you a basis for understanding why he did it. Which doesn't necessarily help right now, I know...but at least a glimmer of understanding is something to cling to.

You say you can't cry, you can't scream, you can't be mad, and you feel weak as hell. It's all because you love that man more than life itself. And since you love him so much, it is virtually impossible to let go and just rave and rant. Your heart immediately wants to take care of HIM, before yourself. You can't help that.

But you DO have to take care of you. You do have a right to vent, to lose your cool, to rage and rail against the things he does. Do whatever it takes to get that out of you, Ang. Right now you feel like he needs you so much, you can't be mad without immense guilt. So be there for him, but at the same time, turn to whatever it takes to get that anger out. Remember to take care of yourself, too.

And if you need me, I'm here, honey.

S.

 

[CelticFrog]

Re: Re: *sigh*

Remember to take care of yourself, too.

And if you need me, I'm here, honey.

S.

You will have to assume the whiny childish voice as I can't write like that very well.

Now.

I DON'T WAAAAAAAANT TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I know you're here. It's good. I needed you this morning and I'm glad you answered the phone.

But Damn if I didn't wish you were HERE here right now.

Ang

 

[sheath]

Re: Re: Re: *sigh*

But Damn if I didn't wish you were HERE here right now.

Ang

S.

 

[Guest]

Wonderful advice from sheath -

Everything you are describing sounds very natural and even appropriate for your situation.

Grief is personal and immense, sometimes uncontrollable and often overwhelmingly powerful.

It's also very different for every person involved.

Your husband grieves for his friend; while you do that as well you are also grieving for your husband's loss.

It is a huge burden to you to handle.

Enlist the aid of your family to help you now (especially with your son) so you can help your husband. He needs you, and you need help to be able to be there for him. But you can't forget to take care of yourself.

Anger was everything for me when I lost my brother 7 months ago (it still is, really). I used that - took strength from that anger and fueled it towards surviving. It was all I had. But it helped.

It is going to seem like a bad dream for a long time and nothing can change that.

But you shouldn't feel guilty about your anger - shout at God, throw a few things. It's OK to cry - it isn't losing control. If you wish, take a bath after the rest of the family is asleep and sob in there privately. That's what I did.

Don't let anyone tell you about how you need to "get through" anything or be in any certain "stages" of grief at any certain time. It's bullshit, all of that. Your love for your family will get you and yours through this terrible time.

My heartfelt sympathy for you all.

 

[CelticFrog]

Re: Wonderful advice from sheath -

Enlist the aid of your family to help you now (especially with your son) so you can help your husband.

Oh, to have the family nearby.

As we are still military, it's a lot more difficult to get family help. Sure, the military "is a family" (coughcough) but there are so many people here who are struggling with their own lives and their husbands being deployed, etc... that our situation is far from the top of the priority list.

I know I'm supposed to take care of myself.
I don't want to.
Blah blah blah, needing to relax shows weakness, blah blah blah... you've got to remember I was in the Army so my penchant for not taking care of myself when others need me got even more ingrained and expanded.

Yeah, I know.

Someday I'll learn. And practice what I've preached at Sheath countless times.

Ang