My girlfriend of over a year has recently told me that she's bisexual and wants us to experiment with other women together. She wants to explore her love for women, but loves me so much that she doesn't want to do it without me there (she says she'd feel too much like a cheater). How can I help her out, and how can I get over feeling uncomfortable withthe idea of her with another woman? Any advice?
Help with bi-girlfriend
- Thread starter stoneyboy
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Ok...
Thanks for the advice, Quint. I'm really getting used to the idea and I want to help her out, but I love her so much that the idea of her with anyone else makes me feel weird. She wants me to realize it's something we should share, not butt heads over, but it's difficult for me. Anyone else have any advice?
Thanks for the advice, Quint. I'm really getting used to the idea and I want to help her out, but I love her so much that the idea of her with anyone else makes me feel weird. She wants me to realize it's something we should share, not butt heads over, but it's difficult for me. Anyone else have any advice?
Netzach
>semiotics?
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Well, contrary to the frat house idea of every guy wanting to watch his GF get it on with another girl maybe you DONT want to watch it happening in front of you in technicolor, you know?
And that's ok. Participation is something you have to feel good about not just something she might lessen her feelings of guilt with.
You need to decide what the boundaries are, what is and is not OK with you in these extracurricular activities, talk a lot, and generally listen to what she says. If she's exploring/expressing something important but your relationship with her is more/equally as important, you might just have to get used to the idea that she wants you *and* a f/f outlet and she's not going to ditch you for a woman.
Once that really sinks in, life can be kind of fun.
And that's ok. Participation is something you have to feel good about not just something she might lessen her feelings of guilt with.
You need to decide what the boundaries are, what is and is not OK with you in these extracurricular activities, talk a lot, and generally listen to what she says. If she's exploring/expressing something important but your relationship with her is more/equally as important, you might just have to get used to the idea that she wants you *and* a f/f outlet and she's not going to ditch you for a woman.
Once that really sinks in, life can be kind of fun.
WhisperHaven
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You might want to start out with a little talking and fantasizing together. Sometimes, it's easier to talk out a fantasy first as a sort of undress rehearsal. If you find that you're not even comfortable talking about your (her) fantasy, you probably won't even be comfortable with the act.
But where from there?
We've talked about it, and the idea does turn me on a lot, but I just don't want an experience we have with another woman to turn into something between us. I know that she really wants to do this, and I love her with my whole heart and am willing to help her out, but I just don't want to have to wonder afterwards about how it's affected her. I mean, if we were to do something like this with a friend, then I would always wonder about her and that friend, or she would wonder about me and that friend. However, if it were a complete stranger, then that would just be uncomfortable and I know she wouldn't get as much enjoyment out of it. I know that bisexual does not by any means mean promiscuous, but I wouldn't want to ever wonder about her. I never have before, and I don't want to start now.
We've talked about it, and the idea does turn me on a lot, but I just don't want an experience we have with another woman to turn into something between us. I know that she really wants to do this, and I love her with my whole heart and am willing to help her out, but I just don't want to have to wonder afterwards about how it's affected her. I mean, if we were to do something like this with a friend, then I would always wonder about her and that friend, or she would wonder about me and that friend. However, if it were a complete stranger, then that would just be uncomfortable and I know she wouldn't get as much enjoyment out of it. I know that bisexual does not by any means mean promiscuous, but I wouldn't want to ever wonder about her. I never have before, and I don't want to start now.
I think that you have to take a hard look at your own sexual nature. Some people just aren't wired for polyamourous situations. If you really are wired to be sort of straight and narrow life partners with someone and your someone is bisexual then there may be no way around some of these complicated feelings you are worried about. I have had friends who did the poly thing, and it's complicated jealousy does raise it's ugly head, you just have to know how to knock it down. The other thing is trust. There is nothing to wonder about when it comes to your girlfriend and another friend. If she is someone your girlfriend wants to have sex with and you and she have sex with another girl then there will be an emotional bond, and unless this is a one time thing where you go "ok you've had your experience with a girl now that that's done lets plan the wedding" then you pretty much have to accept that there is always going to be an element of your girlfriend that will desire women, and want to be with women while also being with you. That is the kicker, before you go through with this you have to look at how much you trust her and how much you believe that no matter how much hot wonder woman on woman sex she has she will still want to be with you as well, and when you are secure with that, you will be able to handle this. You need to be secure with that, and she needs to be secure with you being with whoever you try to bring in to the relationship to help her explore these desires.
gystex
Really Really Experienced
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I have never been in this situation before, but it's very similar to a letter I once read in Dan Savage's advice column (if you're unfamiliar with it, I have provided a LINK - his column is at the bottom of the page). What Dan suggested may not be something that works for you, but it would definitely remove the problem of potential emotional entanglements with the "other girl". Essentially, he suggested using a pro. Head to Amsterdam or Vegas or someplace else where prostitution is legal, and have an expert help out.
This has a few advantages. For starters, you'll be in the company of someone with experience, which is probably far more likely to result in success than if you pick someone else who's never been in a threesome before. You can go as far as you like or stop whenever you want with no hard feelings on the other woman's part - if your girlfriend tries a little kissing and tit-play and then decides it's just not her thing, you can stop right there. Finally, if it turns out you both really like it you can try it "for real" with someone else and you'll have the experience to know how to make it enjoyable.
Of course, it won't be with "someone special" as your girlfriend says she wants, but you already have each other to be someone special. She won't lack for someone to cuddle with at the end as long as you're there.
In any event, I don't think that you have to worry particularly about your girlfriend-perhaps-wife-someday will cheat on you if this fantasy remains unfulfilled. To clarify, I have many sexual fantasies that are incompatible with a monogamous relationship, but since I love and respect my wife I will simply live the rest of my married life with those particular fantasies unrealized, and I will not feel as though it's a bad trade-off. If your girlfriend feels the same way about you as I do about my wife, she may also simply learn to live without this one coming true.
This has a few advantages. For starters, you'll be in the company of someone with experience, which is probably far more likely to result in success than if you pick someone else who's never been in a threesome before. You can go as far as you like or stop whenever you want with no hard feelings on the other woman's part - if your girlfriend tries a little kissing and tit-play and then decides it's just not her thing, you can stop right there. Finally, if it turns out you both really like it you can try it "for real" with someone else and you'll have the experience to know how to make it enjoyable.
Of course, it won't be with "someone special" as your girlfriend says she wants, but you already have each other to be someone special. She won't lack for someone to cuddle with at the end as long as you're there.
In any event, I don't think that you have to worry particularly about your girlfriend-perhaps-wife-someday will cheat on you if this fantasy remains unfulfilled. To clarify, I have many sexual fantasies that are incompatible with a monogamous relationship, but since I love and respect my wife I will simply live the rest of my married life with those particular fantasies unrealized, and I will not feel as though it's a bad trade-off. If your girlfriend feels the same way about you as I do about my wife, she may also simply learn to live without this one coming true.
Chicklet
plays well with self
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stoneyboy said:
Hi,
I'm a bisexual woman in a relationship with a straight man. I have participated in a couple three-some's with women and my guy. It has totally fucked me up.
While I'm dead serious about attraction to women, there came a point where I had to realize that it's the same thing as being attracted to another man...it does feel like cheating to me, and I regret each time I've mentioned screwing around to my boy.
I wrote an essay on the topic, Why They Don't Work which I think gives a pretty good perspective...
Chicklet
pop_54
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Hmmmmmmmm
A word from an old man to all of you, if you don't think you can handle it, don't do it!!!!!!!
It will fuck up a loving relationship if you can't accept it fully and without reservation. If you can accept it and can agree some rules, it can be the biggest turn on you'll ever have, and will continue to be that way.
She will fuck her female friend behind your back if you find her one unless you are prepared for this, take care, once bitten most women can't leave it alone, (this is from my wife's lips and she's very bi, has been since she was 14). Better let her do it with your approval than suffer the jealousy of not knowing for sure.
Wifey and I enjoy the joint pleasures of bi-esxual relationships and we do not in any way consider it cheating, if it's been agreed, it isn't cheating. Hell we enjoy the pleasures of swinging with opposite sex partners, we don't consider that cheating. We do it for each other, and that's what you will have to do with your girlfriend if you go down the slippery slope of bi-sexual relationships, you will need to be sure her pleasure gives you pleasure.
You will need to dig deep and think about this one friend, and don't for fuck's sake take everything we others say as being the final solution to your fears and uncertainty, you and only you can decide.
All I can say is, by fuck it's fun if you do like it
A word from an old man to all of you, if you don't think you can handle it, don't do it!!!!!!!
It will fuck up a loving relationship if you can't accept it fully and without reservation. If you can accept it and can agree some rules, it can be the biggest turn on you'll ever have, and will continue to be that way.
She will fuck her female friend behind your back if you find her one unless you are prepared for this, take care, once bitten most women can't leave it alone, (this is from my wife's lips and she's very bi, has been since she was 14). Better let her do it with your approval than suffer the jealousy of not knowing for sure.
Wifey and I enjoy the joint pleasures of bi-esxual relationships and we do not in any way consider it cheating, if it's been agreed, it isn't cheating. Hell we enjoy the pleasures of swinging with opposite sex partners, we don't consider that cheating. We do it for each other, and that's what you will have to do with your girlfriend if you go down the slippery slope of bi-sexual relationships, you will need to be sure her pleasure gives you pleasure.
You will need to dig deep and think about this one friend, and don't for fuck's sake take everything we others say as being the final solution to your fears and uncertainty, you and only you can decide.
All I can say is, by fuck it's fun if you do like it
Pookie
Chop!! Chop!!
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stoneyboy said:
You need to discuss your feelings with your gf. Let her know you have some discomfort about this. I'm assuming your discomfort is jealousy, which is natural in any relationship. The thing you have to decide is if you can live with the discomfort. Many guys don't like the idea of their chick being with anyone else at all. The same is true with chicks too. And that's cool. You need to discuss what you're feeling with your gf before you take any big steps. Once done, it can't be undone. She may decide her desire to experience being with a chick is not worth risking her relationship with you. The key is communication.
stoneyboy said:
Thing you might want to consider - if she is drawn to make love with another woman she will, sooner or later. It's hard to describe the difference between being with a woman and a man. It's not that one is better, it's just different. Nothing compares to feeling a hard cock filling you with each push, but the gentle, knowing touch of a woman can bring you just as fully to orgasm.
If you think she is going to find someone then get on board. Suggest you be patient in the love making, though. You might feel ignored at first (loss of control) but they will both turn their attention to you in a way that will surprise you.
Ples...
Another question...
One more thing...
She says she's attracted to women, but that vaginas aren't attractive to her. She says that women turn her on, but tat vaginas are "just flaps of skin," and really don't do anything for her. Is this common for bi ladies? Or is she just curious and not really serious about her bisexuality?
One more thing...
She says she's attracted to women, but that vaginas aren't attractive to her. She says that women turn her on, but tat vaginas are "just flaps of skin," and really don't do anything for her. Is this common for bi ladies? Or is she just curious and not really serious about her bisexuality?
