Help Wanted: Must be kind and knowlegeable. Pay is low.

[BooMerengue]

Take this as a plug if you like, but I'm curious. All the poems posted below either received no comments/votes, or just one- usually from an encouraging friend.

Look them over and feel free to tell me to keep it or toss it, ok? And, yes, you're right; the Untitled ones need titles.

across the water

Across the water
may as well be Mars
electronic pheromones?
even I can't wrap around that
but a summons as if
Luna herself spins the rope
is binding me
and I don't fight
because I can't
(or won't)
Do you want me?
to fight?
or do you want me
across the water...

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Down To The Sea
with Belegon

Green magic rolls over castle-topped hills
laughing mischievously down to the sea
Silkie-kissed foam drums hammering cliffsides
And the sun poured his gold over thee!

My flame-haired lass awaits my return
Weaving a spell as she roams the land
Searching out a tree to form my mast
for my ship lies limp upon volcanic sands

My sailor is stranded far from my isle
He sails the seven seas from year to year
Yet I hear his call through storm and trial
A spell I'll call to lay aside his fears

My dreams linger on the shores I call home
My spell wafts toward him in wispy smoke
The voice on the wind for my ears alone
My work finished here I reach for my cloak

My shipmates wonder as I cry for more sail
when clouds shaped like gods fists blow the ship 'round
but the motion of keel off sand tells my tale
I crouched on the shale and keened out my song

I stand in the bow as we wave-ride again
Fingers of wind caress me as I dream his return
My hand reaches forward as my love I send
A sail on the horizon causes my body to burn

Days become hours as the nest cries "land ho!"
Minutes become seconds as he splashes to me!
Green magic rolls over castle-topped hills
laughing mischievously down to the sea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Exercise 1A

Faded wallpaper
dim light glooming thru greasy curtains
a drawer opening

in the mirror
straggly hair
frightened eyes
trembling hands

a furtive glance
a step back
a gasp!

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

leaving

ice melting the only sound
except maybe my heart
as he looked down at me
those eyes again
saying more than he knew

and as I pushed my drink back
and stood
he looked so surprised
like I was supposed to want an argument
his script was different than mine
I thought as I gently closed the door behind me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Lost

I don’t know which way
the wind is blowing.
My hair is tangled everywhere.
My thoughts are blowing away.
When I jump to catch them
the wind grabs me.

If I reach down
to touch the earth
it goes away and
all I see is clouds.

When I do touch the earth
it will mound over me.
I will be silenced.

Who will catch my thoughts?

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Missed Opportunity

The rain came for me tonight.
I saw it over the trees, its sound
like a stiff breeze.

I walked out to greet it
but it was cold.
I hid.
It went away.

I’ll have to wash my soul
another day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Souls Unparted

The breeze in your hair
on a hot summer day;
the sun on your skin
as you pass on your way.

The blood in your veins
that makes you who you are;
the spark in your eyes
when you push your self far.

The words and the music
the thoughts in your mind;
the fire in your heart
and your smile so kind.

In your honey touch
and in your salty tear;
don't worry my love ...
I will always be here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Untitled 1

Roughly pulling your warmth to me
kneading you your pliancy my guide.
rolling you over pressing in deep again
your aroma earthy filling me
pushing me to work harder
mashing pushing smiling as I
make of you a work of art.
so simple so necessary
you are my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Untitled 2

Spinning me faster and faster round and round hands shaping me making me into a vessel for your needs friction heating me you moistening where needed becoming by your perfect design merely an object for everyday use my destiny my glory my fate until I crack and you find another disposing of me in a heap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

I can tell right now my titles need some work. Feel free to critique, and I put the links here so you could vote if you like.

Thanks.

 

[twelveoone]

Take this as a plug if you like, but I'm curious. All the poems posted below either received no comments/votes, or just one- usually from an encouraging friend.

Look them over and feel free to tell me to keep it or toss it, ok? And, yes, you're right; the Untitled ones need titles.

across the water

Across the water
may as well be Mars
electronic pheromones?
even I can't wrap around that
but a summons as if
Luna herself spins the rope
is binding me
and I don't fight
because I can't
(or won't)
Do you want me?
to fight?
or do you want me
across the water...

[]

Boo, you know I can be brutal
electronic pheromones?
Drop or replace 3rd line, inconsistent with the image
may as well be Mars
second line can be developed later in the poem; as is , it is a toss-away line, not bad but goes nowhere
even I can't wrap around that
fourth line, I have problems with, the problem is strenghened by the statement itselfI can't wrap aroud that define, define the' that"

Being a strong proponet of strong beginnning and ending lines, what you have is good, but rather ordinary, throw something before "water" i.e. "violet lined water"
somewhere later, oh, yeh, the moons refection on the ripples on the water.

 

[eagleyez]

Love is Raw

and her nipples turned the color of Pepto Bismol.

(brevity is the soul of wit, right?)

do i get a second interview???

g'morning Boo.

 

[WickedEve]

So far I've read the first two. Down To The Sea is sweet. Reminds me so much of my mermaid poem that I wrote when I was a teen. Oh yeah, and it's a lot like my unicorn poem that I wrote as a teen. Umm... the poem is sweet and reminds me of some poems I wrote as a teen. Okay, that's the problem I'm having with it. I'm sorry. Just beat me with a stick.

 

[WickedEve]

Leaving is really good. Exercise 1A is interesting. In the first one, the question mark after electronic pheromones kind of threw me off, but it's a pretty good poem.

 

[Angeline]

and her nipples turned the color of Pepto Bismol.

(brevity is the soul of wit, right?)

do i get a second interview???

g'morning Boo.

Just go get the damn coffee.

Hi Boo. I'll read some poems...as soon as Mr. Happy comes back with the coffee (and my bagel, which he referred to as a "jewish donut" grrrrrrrr).

 

[BooMerengue]

I just woke up. Haven't even had the first smoke yet.

1201 You're probably right. I'll know better by lunch. Electronic pheromones are my way of saying this is a cyber thing. And are there such a thing?

Eve? lmao You're such a bitch! But you are right about Down To The Sea. Saccharine ocurred to me, also.

EE? Where did I say Pepto Bismol nipples? eewwwwwww! I hope I would NEVER say something like that. But Good morning to you, too, Dollboy!

Hey Ange! a Jewish donut?? LOL I think I better go get that smoke...

Keep goin, you'se guys! Not sure I understand yet, but I DO love getting critiqued. To me it's better than sex...

 

[Angeline]

My Two Centws

across the water

Across the water
may as well be Mars
electronic pheromones?
even I can't wrap around that
but a summons as if
Luna herself spins the rope
is binding me
and I don't fight
because I can't
(or won't)
Do you want me?
to fight?
or do you want me
across the water...

Needs work but there's some great stuff in it

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Down To The Sea
with Belegon

Green magic rolls over castle-topped hills
laughing mischievously down to the sea
Silkie-kissed foam drums hammering cliffsides
And the sun poured his gold over thee!

My flame-haired lass awaits my return
Weaving a spell as she roams the land
Searching out a tree to form my mast
for my ship lies limp upon volcanic sands

My sailor is stranded far from my isle
He sails the seven seas from year to year
Yet I hear his call through storm and trial
A spell I'll call to lay aside his fears

My dreams linger on the shores I call home
My spell wafts toward him in wispy smoke
The voice on the wind for my ears alone
My work finished here I reach for my cloak

My shipmates wonder as I cry for more sail
when clouds shaped like gods fists blow the ship 'round
but the motion of keel off sand tells my tale
I crouched on the shale and keened out my song

I stand in the bow as we wave-ride again
Fingers of wind caress me as I dream his return
My hand reaches forward as my love I send
A sail on the horizon causes my body to burn

Days become hours as the nest cries "land ho!"
Minutes become seconds as he splashes to me!
Green magic rolls over castle-topped hills
laughing mischievously down to the sea.

This one's a keeper

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Exercise 1A

Faded wallpaper
dim light glooming thru greasy curtains
a drawer opening

in the mirror
straggly hair
frightened eyes
trembling hands

a furtive glance
a step back
a gasp!

This one I like though it feels unfinished. You could combine it with the next poem and flesh it out some

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

leaving

ice melting the only sound
except maybe my heart
as he looked down at me
those eyes again
saying more than he knew

and as I pushed my drink back
and stood
he looked so surprised
like I was supposed to want an argument
his script was different than mine
I thought as I gently closed the door behind me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Lost

I don’t know which way
the wind is blowing.
My hair is tangled everywhere.
My thoughts are blowing away.
When I jump to catch them
the wind grabs me.

If I reach down
to touch the earth
it goes away and
all I see is clouds.

When I do touch the earth
it will mound over me.
I will be silenced.

Who will catch my thoughts?

This is good too--again you could work this together with the two previous poems to make a longer thoguthful poem

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Missed Opportunity

The rain came for me tonight.
I saw it over the trees, its sound
like a stiff breeze.

I walked out to greet it
but it was cold.
I hid.
It went away.

I’ll have to wash my soul
another day.

I like all of this but the last two lines--and I thiink I'd like them too if the poem were beefed up, had more going on in it

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Souls Unparted

The breeze in your hair
on a hot summer day;
the sun on your skin
as you pass on your way.

The blood in your veins
that makes you who you are;
the spark in your eyes
when you push your self far.

The words and the music
the thoughts in your mind;
the fire in your heart
and your smile so kind.

In your honey touch
and in your salty tear;
don't worry my love ...
I will always be here.

This is my least favorite though I love the phrase "honey touch"

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Untitled 1

Roughly pulling your warmth to me
kneading you your pliancy my guide.
rolling you over pressing in deep again
your aroma earthy filling me
pushing me to work harder
mashing pushing smiling as I
make of you a work of art.
so simple so necessary
you are my life.

This is another poem that needs more--and it's too much "tell" and not enough "show."

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Untitled 2

Spinning me faster and faster round and round hands shaping me making me into a vessel for your needs friction heating me you moistening where needed becoming by your perfect design merely an object for everyday use my destiny my glory my fate until I crack and you find another disposing of me in a heap.


Again this is good, well written but I want more of a story. I like the breathless quality of its pace though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

I can tell right now my titles need some work. Feel free to critique, and I put the links here so you could vote if you like.

Thanks.[/QUOTE]

And I did it without coffee!

 

[WickedEve]

Eve? lmao You're such a bitch! But you are right about Down To The Sea. Saccharine ocurred to me,

Yeah, but Ange thinks it's a keeper. You have two different opinions, so go with the good one. She'll keep it and I'll tuck it under the bed with my unicorn.

 

[BooMerengue]

Yeah, but Ange thinks it's a keeper. You have two different opinions, so go with the good one. She'll keep it and I'll tuck it under the bed with my unicorn.

Belegon and I wrote that together, neither of us knowing what line was coming next.

Does anyone want to come over to my house today? I want someone to come visit...

 

[Angeline]

Yeah, but Ange thinks it's a keeper. You have two different opinions, so go with the good one. She'll keep it and I'll tuck it under the bed with my unicorn.

Yes, but now that I have the coffee I may change my mind lol. Poetry is such an elusive thing sometimes.

Boo, overall I thought these poems all have parts that are very good and parts that are eh. And you know I saying that loving the way you write (who was the first one to tell you to write and post here, damnit, who?!), but these seeds of good poems need to be worked up into more--which I know you can do. I wouldn't toss any of them, but I would try to rework them--keep what's good and try to attach more narrative to the abstract statements in them. And I really do think those three could be combined into something very special.

 

[Angeline]

Belegon and I wrote that together, neither of us knowing what line was coming next.

Does anyone want to come over to my house today? I want someone to come visit...

I wrote poems like that with Tath and tungtied. Tung let me edit to my heart's content--Tath clawed and scratched at my every opinion like an um...monkey.

 

[BooMerengue]

Ange... Thanks so much. You always give me what I want. Are you always so easy? Wanna come over? I have hot chocolate. and Froot Loops. I'm all alone...

I blame you for most of those poems, dearie. I wrote some of those in my "OMG Ange is pushing me!" stage. I think I might try some combo/rewrites. It's a good idea.

umm... whats with EE and the nipple thing? Was it all so bad or was there a joke I missed? Has he had his coffee? Did he sleep on the riverbank with Grub? Is he on drugs? (Maybe he should try some...lol)

Evie! I love your comments... NEVER stop, ok?

 

[Angeline]

Ange... Thanks so much. You always give me what I want. Are you always so easy? Wanna come over? I have hot chocolate. and Froot Loops. I'm all alone...

I blame you for most of those poems, dearie. I wrote some of those in my "OMG Ange is pushing me!" stage. I think I might try some combo/rewrites. It's a good idea.

umm... whats with EE and the nipple thing? Was it all so bad or was there a joke I missed? Has he had his coffee? Did he sleep on the riverbank with Grub? Is he on drugs? (Maybe he should try some...lol)

Evie! I love your comments... NEVER stop, ok?

I'd come over but with the rush hour traffic it would take me at least 12 hours--and then it would be too late for Froot Loops.

And one thing I have learned NOT to do is try to explain my sweetiepie, who is a stream of consciousness kinda guy as you may have noticed. I have no idea what he was on about--my nipples are not day glo pink I assure you, so they must be someone else's.

 

[BooMerengue]

I'd come over but with the rush hour traffic it would take me at least 12 hours--and then it would be too late for Froot Loops.

And one thing I have learned NOT to do is try to explain my sweetiepie, who is a stream of consciousness kinda guy as you may have noticed. I have no idea what he was on about--my nipples are not day glo pink I assure you, so they must be someone else's.

I wonder if he was looking at his 'angry red throbbing monster' when he said that! lol I'm not much at writing erotica but I am sure I NEVER said anything about PeptoBismol tits! LOL

 

[BooMerengue]

Untitled 2

Spinning me faster and faster round and round hands shaping me making me into a vessel for your needs friction heating me you moistening where needed becoming by your perfect design merely an object for everyday use my destiny my glory my fate until I crack and you find another disposing of me in a heap.


The Jar Maker

Spinning me
faster and faster
round and round
hands shaping me
making me
a vessel for your needs
friction heating me
you moistening
becoming by your perfect design
merely an object
everyday use my destiny
my glory
my fate
until I crack
you shape another
disposing of me.

hmmm???

 

[PatCarrington]

Down To The Sea
with Belegon

Green magic rolls over castle-topped hills
laughing mischievously down to the sea
Silkie-kissed foam drums hammering cliffsides
And the sun poured his gold over thee!

My flame-haired lass awaits my return
Weaving a spell as she roams the land
Searching out a tree to form my mast
for my ship lies limp upon volcanic sands

My sailor is stranded far from my isle
He sails the seven seas from year to year
Yet I hear his call through storm and trial
A spell I'll call to lay aside his fears

My dreams linger on the shores I call home
My spell wafts toward him in wispy smoke
The voice on the wind for my ears alone
My work finished here I reach for my cloak

My shipmates wonder as I cry for more sail
when clouds shaped like gods fists blow the ship 'round
but the motion of keel off sand tells my tale
I crouched on the shale and keened out my song

I stand in the bow as we wave-ride again
Fingers of wind caress me as I dream his return
My hand reaches forward as my love I send
A sail on the horizon causes my body to burn

Days become hours as the nest cries "land ho!"
Minutes become seconds as he splashes to me!
Green magic rolls over castle-topped hills
laughing mischievously down to the sea.

Ange said : This one's a keeper.


Boo, i hate to disagree with ange (what else is new, angel of Maine? ), but i don't think this is very good at all, and far below your usual level of writing, which i find insightful so often.

i find stock phrases everywhere, and it seems needlessly adjective-heavy. the opening stanza, i think, is very bad. many of the rhymes feel forced to me. the archaic "thee" seems just plain yucky, there only to rhyme with sea.

if i were you, i would give this a complete overhaul....or more.


this, on the other hand:

Lost

I don’t know which way
the wind is blowing.
My hair is tangled everywhere.
My thoughts are blowing away.
When I jump to catch them
the wind grabs me.

If I reach down
to touch the earth
it goes away and
all I see is clouds.

When I do touch the earth
it will mound over me.
I will be silenced.

Who will catch my thoughts?


.....i find loaded with good things, and i think you could turn this one into something very special with a bit of work.

 

[Angeline]

<snip>

Ange said : This one's a keeper.


Boo, i hate to disagree with ange (what else is new, angel of Maine? ), <snip>

Hate? That's not the verb I would have used.

Mornin Patrick.

 

[flyguy69]

well the damn cracked hard
just like a bull whip
cause it wasn't takin' no lip from the night before
as it shook out the street, the stew bums showed up
just like bounced checks,
rubbin' their necks
and the sky turned the color of Pepto-Bismol


-Tom Waits, Spare Parts I (A Nocturnal Emission)

And a damn fine poem, too!

 

[PatCarrington]

Hate? That's not the verb I would have used.

Mornin Patrick.

i really don't like disagreeing with.....much.

morning, angel.

 

[flyguy69]

Hate? That's not the verb I would have used.

Mornin Patrick.

Is that Laura Nyro you're hugging? I can't tell you guys apart.

 

[eagleyez]

well the damn cracked hard
just like a bull whip
cause it wasn't takin' no lip from the night before
as it shook out the street, the stew bums showed up
just like bounced checks,
rubbin' their necks
and the sky turned the color of Pepto-Bismol


-Tom Waits, Spare Parts I (A Nocturnal Emission)

And a damn fine poem, too!

*tips hat to flyguy*

yep its a Waits intertext, that very one.

always loved that song/poem.


(see Boo, no malice or wisecrackery towards you, although, nipples CAN be like rainbows. Mine, sadly, remain as they should, a bitemark from time to time but colorwise-the same boring crayola fleshtone, hard lil BB's)

 

[Angeline]

Is that Laura Nyro you're hugging? I can't tell you guys apart.

Eve once asked me if it was ee. You're marginally kinder.

 

[BooMerengue]

well the damn cracked hard
just like a bull whip
cause it wasn't takin' no lip from the night before
as it shook out the street, the stew bums showed up
just like bounced checks,
rubbin' their necks
and the sky turned the color of Pepto-Bismol


-Tom Waits, Spare Parts I (A Nocturnal Emission)

And a damn fine poem, too!

What does this have to do with this thread, dear? Have I missed something?

 

[BooMerengue]

Down To The Sea
with Belegon

Green magic rolls over castle-topped hills
laughing mischievously down to the sea
Silkie-kissed foam drums hammering cliffsides
And the sun poured his gold over thee!

My flame-haired lass awaits my return
Weaving a spell as she roams the land
Searching out a tree to form my mast
for my ship lies limp upon volcanic sands

My sailor is stranded far from my isle
He sails the seven seas from year to year
Yet I hear his call through storm and trial
A spell I'll call to lay aside his fears

My dreams linger on the shores I call home
My spell wafts toward him in wispy smoke
The voice on the wind for my ears alone
My work finished here I reach for my cloak

My shipmates wonder as I cry for more sail
when clouds shaped like gods fists blow the ship 'round
but the motion of keel off sand tells my tale
I crouched on the shale and keened out my song

I stand in the bow as we wave-ride again
Fingers of wind caress me as I dream his return
My hand reaches forward as my love I send
A sail on the horizon causes my body to burn

Days become hours as the nest cries "land ho!"
Minutes become seconds as he splashes to me!
Green magic rolls over castle-topped hills
laughing mischievously down to the sea.

Ange said : This one's a keeper.


Boo, i hate to disagree with ange (what else is new, angel of Maine? ), but i don't think this is very good at all, and far below your usual level of writing, which i find insightful so often.

i find stock phrases everywhere, and it seems needlessly adjective-heavy. the opening stanza, i think, is very bad. many of the rhymes feel forced to me. the archaic "thee" seems just plain yucky, there only to rhyme with sea.

if i were you, i would give this a complete overhaul....or more.


this, on the other hand:

Lost

I don’t know which way
the wind is blowing.
My hair is tangled everywhere.
My thoughts are blowing away.
When I jump to catch them
the wind grabs me.

If I reach down
to touch the earth
it goes away and
all I see is clouds.

When I do touch the earth
it will mound over me.
I will be silenced.

Who will catch my thoughts?


.....i find loaded with good things, and i think you could turn this one into something very special with a bit of work.

Thanks, Pat! I'm working on that one now!