Help please

[Missingmeds]

Okay so here is the story. I have a male friend that is 23. He has a daughter that is just about to turn a year old. Tonight he comes to me and asked how to tell his father something really big.

I have long suspected that he was bi, but it turns out that he says he is gay and that he has known for sometime.

He wants to tell his father. They are not particularly close, but do have a decent relationship. We live in a little town in Ohio. I don't think that his father even knows anyone gay.

Any suggestions, comments, help of any kind would be appreciated more than you can imagine.

 

[sigh]

I don't know what to say, really. I had it lucky in that my mom is very accepting of me and always has been. It's never been a secret. I told her pretty much as soon as I figured it out myself.

Your friend has a daughter. Is he married? If so, then this talk had better be with his spouse first, rather than his dad. Either way, though, I can see how having a child reinforces other people's notions about a person's sexual orientation. I have a child myself, so I know how that works.

So he clearly wants to tell his father, right? Well then, I guess he just has to tell him. I mean, how does changing how you say it change the impact the truth will have? No matter the words you use, in the end the message will be the same.

"Dad, I'm gay," would be the place to start, I think. Just before that, though, he should hand over the baby. Granddaughters have a wonderful way of softening up grandpas for just about anything.

 

[Cigan]

Is he married. You say he has a daughter. Was this an out of wedlock baby, or was there a divorce? These things are important, because depening on the local attitude then he might risk custody of his child if he comes out. I still think coming out is important, but he should consider those things. As far as the father specifically is concerned, he should just tell him. There is no gentle way to put it, there is no softening of that blow. It's either going to be a hard blow to the father, or he's going to cope with it well, it depends on the type of person he is. But if he keeps it from his parents then it's going to end up being problematic. I know I've been there. I can only say good luck to him.

 

[Missingmeds]

Not married, never has been.

I don't think that custody will be an issue. He is really concerned about how his father is going to act. I guess that handing over the granddaughter might be the best way to go for now.

Thank you both for your thoughtful replies.