Help please

[silverwhisper]

joy quoth:
my libido has been higher since giving birth. i think its because before i gave birth i never enjoyed sex. like at all, not even a little and since we had our son its completely different. it used to hurt and was uncomfortable but not anymore.

...i'm sure i wouldn't act on my desires, but its uncomfortable to have them at all. i would be mortified if either of them found out!

does your husband know that it used to hurt & was uncomfortable beforehand? or that your libido's suddenly gone to 11? remember, husbands are obtuse. you gotta tell us stuff explicitly or it doesn't count. and usually more than once.

however, the italicized part is what i'm curious about: why would you mortified that your husband--the one you're waiting for o so patiently here after all--found out that you're crawling the walls?

have you been intimate since becoming parents? you're both young and some men have a really hard time reconciling that the same orifice that brought into the world their kid is the same place they already know.

ed

 

[robertreams]

You are 21 for god's sake. what the hell are you doing burdened down with a husband and children? Your pre -frontal cortex is not even fully formed. You are still a child. That's why you are having trouble controlling these impulses. What are you gonna do in 5 years when he only wants sex once a month? How are you ever going to learn to be a fully sexual satisfied perso with just one dork your whole life? Don't settle in for a long boring life. Seize the Day! Live! Go for it! Fuck your brains out as often as you can for as long as you can, Then get marrried and settle down.

Oh, one other thing. Are you sure this isn't exactly what your child husband is hoping for? we are all bi inside you know. Why not suggest a 3-way.

 

[suckonsimon]

That must be the most destructive bit of 'advice' I've seen in a long while.

 

[silverwhisper]

seconded.

ed

 

[catimann]

seconded.

ed

Yes, but there is one point I agree with, she is young. Very young and at that age it is more normal to go out a sew your wild oats, as they said. Why is she feeling this way? Hormones is my guess and that is a factor of age as well.
She still wants (not consciously) to take care of the hormonal needs and desires. Having another "nice" guy there is not helping if she happens to like nice guy types. If the guy was totally not her type then perhaps she would not feel this way. Then on the other hand she could just be needing it bad and . . . .

Tell hubby you are going through a bit of a phase and you need it lots. then make sure he has all the reasons to give it to you. Even if you have to tie him up and have your way. I mean if a woman starts telling me she wants it and then starts playing with me, even if I am busy then I will very soon be taking care of her. I would have to be nuts busy (Like the car is busted and I need it for work in the morning) to brush her off. Even then if she said fuck me now and I'll help you all night to fix it, she'd get it good.

 

[Athalia]

The OP's situation is almost identical to that of some friends I used to have. Guy moved in as a renter and wife (who also had just had a baby) got the hots for him.

Here's what happened. Guy and wife started an affair. Husband found out about it, hit the roof. Everybody moved out of the house. Wife eventually marries Guy, has another child with him. Ex-husband eventually comes to terms with the situation, they raise the kids on a 50-50 basis, living within walking distance of each other so the kids can choose whom they want to be with. Ex remarries. Over a space of ten years, the two couples actually go on camping trips together. It turned out to be a hellish experience in the short run, and all of them admit they could have handled it better. But in the long run, they discovered stable loving relationships and respected each other's decisions. But it took a lot of understanding and facing the truth. Can you do that? Can the guys do that?

 

[may_I_please]

I think you might need to do some exploring together, learn about your sexual desires together and talk about it. But I wouldn't be sharing your fantasies about your friend tbh

I might be wrong but some men need to be lead by the hand, particularly inexperienced ones. He might have put you on a pedestal here...virgin bride, mother of my child..and not see you as the sexual person you have become. Particularly if your desires have changed.

Could you watch/ read some porn together ...find a lit story you love and share it with him. Even just leave some lying around. Send him some dirty texts about how much you want him or what you want to do to him. Get the friend to watch the baby for a few hours and sneak out to a hotel. Drag him into a bar and have a couple of drinks then into a sex shop and have a laugh together

Take the pressure away and redefine your relationship..you're both really young you could do this together.

Good luck

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?

 

[norfolklad]

Did you really expect good advice from someone with that username?

And thirded. A three way is terrible advice.

It just goes to prove that maybe Darwin wasn't 100% correct but, then, maybe it's the exception that proves the rule.

 

[PussyAddict10]

Doing anything with someone he knows is to risky, i think you should find some stranger and just work all of your energy out with him for the good of your marriage.

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?

 

[norfolklad]

Wow! Another Darwin Award candidate.

Is there a similar award for the Creationists? You know, god couldn't possibly have created anyone quite that stupid.

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?

 

[prostatecurious]

This comment should have a like...

 

[norfolklad]

This comment should have a like...

Cowards

 

[Wildcat445]

The jokester in me says to just hop in and take ride. But that's definitely not the right answer. Anyway...serious now...

Joy, a couple of things you wrote: he doesn't cuddle unless he wants sex; he stayed up to watch a movie when you had begged him to come into you and he promised later. - both those things, frankly, are really concerning. Something is going on with him.

That stuck out to me immediately as well. Even before child, it seemed he was not quite as interested. Trust me, at that age, I was a walking bag of hormones, and I would have probably been all over any girl who so much as hinted she wanted something.

I had a couple of thoughts which might be at play here.

First, could it be a "military thing"? My FWB's son went into the Marines about four years ago, and they mentally tear down the new recruits to build them back up again. All are affected differently. I'm sure his libido was fine, but that doesn't mean others might not have difficulties in other aspects of life. One of his faults is that he's gotten engaged to two girls (not simultaneously), and both he had dated only for a couple of months. Seems to me he learned how to be infatuated, but not necessarily in love. Or maybe it was unconsciously his way of marking his territory, to keep others away. (Yet the first one cheated to him once while they were dating...and was again cheating the moment he left for Parris Island for basic training.)

Second, it may partly be the stress of being a parent. That is a young age to be married at! And being a parent on top of it adds a ton of responsibility. Maybe it's a slight resentment toward the "instant" parenthood. Maybe it's a fear of getting his wife pregnant and having another child. Which relates to a third possibility.

Maybe he never really wanted to get married in the first place (even if he was the one who proposed)--could it have been like the Marine son above who simply proposed marriage because he was infatuated? Maybe the child has made him feel "locked" into a relationship he might have realized he really didn't want, and now it is forced upon him.

We might look at the OP's dilemma of sex, or lack thereof, and think it is "only sex". But those red flags I quoted concern me more. Something IS going on. While the watching of the video might have had unplanned consequences (falling asleep--we've all done it!), it also shows a lack of concern for the person whose needs were expressed.

I think the overall issues with her husband need to be fixed first. Then, maybe the libido will fall in line with it once these concerns are out in the open and dealt with. Or if they come to terms that maybe they simply are not suited for each other, they can remedy that as well by going their separate ways. (I'd rather see a child have an "occasional" parent, than have that child witness anything from a chilled reception between the parents to outright shouting and fighting as the frustration mounts.) That's a bit severe to think of at this early point, but the lack of attention, and lack of concern for her thoughts, is a bit disturbing to me. Plus, there appears to be one-way communication: she desires his touch, or even his attention, and he is laughing it off or being lazy in his attention towards her. Lack of communication is a sure-fire recipe for marriage disaster; I certainly could qualify as Exhibit A in that sense! (In my case, it was my ex's ADD, not paying attention to most of what I said, that killed it. I think that over 14 years she never really knew me at all.)

Maybe this live-in friend was a good thing, in a sense. Maybe it is helping expose deeper rooted problems in the relationship. There might be qualities she notices with this live-in friend that she doesn't see in her husband (beyond the obvious sexual needs).

I just hope they can sort it properly. With a little one involved, it's a lot more difficult to deal with.

 

[joyttworld]

Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you guys know since you were such a big help that my husband and I have a much better sex life now I find our roommate a bit attractive but I don't think about fucking him constantly anymore lol! I'm much more satisfied with my husband now. I think my husband switching to our roomates shift and them being home at the same time really helped a lot. Although next week our roomate is being switched back to day shift and will be home at NIGHT while my hubby is gone. I'm not worried about it though

 

[joyttworld]

'I just read through the second page of comments and now I'm worried that my husband change in libido is something I would be worried about now too. He even wanted to try things in bed that we would have never considered before. Its been amazing and now I'm thinking, what prompted this change? I think you guys have just made me paranoid.

 

[Cumference]

Good to hear that things are working out for you!

(I'll drag the woman I've "known" for 22 years to bed now )

 

[silverwhisper]

joy, it's always nice to hear when the suggestions and comments have been helpful, glad you stopped by again!

ed

 

[Cumference]

'I just read through the second page of comments and now I'm worried that my husband change in libido is something I would be worried about now too. He even wanted to try things in bed that we would have never considered before. Its been amazing and now I'm thinking, what prompted this change? I think you guys have just made me paranoid.

Ready for the shock?

It was probably YOU who prompted it!

If you previously have not really enjoyed sex, you have probably been sending out some rather confusing signals. Men are not overly bright when it comes to hints, but evolution has made us quite sensitive to when a woman is unhappy.
(Some of us, at least)

He doesn't want to hurt you or loose you.... But when you enjoy it and are happy, he will happily go along!

Enjoy it!

(And don't be afraid to tell him in words and deeds that you like it. "Men and gods are alike. They love nothing more than having their names screamed in ecstasy")

 

[njlauren]

You are 21 for god's sake. what the hell are you doing burdened down with a husband and children? Your pre -frontal cortex is not even fully formed. You are still a child. That's why you are having trouble controlling these impulses. What are you gonna do in 5 years when he only wants sex once a month? How are you ever going to learn to be a fully sexual satisfied perso with just one dork your whole life? Don't settle in for a long boring life. Seize the Day! Live! Go for it! Fuck your brains out as often as you can for as long as you can, Then get marrried and settle down.

Oh, one other thing. Are you sure this isn't exactly what your child husband is hoping for? we are all bi inside you know. Why not suggest a 3-way.

Douchebag

 

[njlauren]

Joy-
Glad to hear it seems to be working out better. One of the problems you guys have is quite frankly, you married so young and didn't have much experience (it is one of the reasons that the religious proscriptions about no sex before marriage are self defeating IMO). You probably had physical problems with sex either because of hormonal issues that having a baby straightened out, or were tight that the baby naturally helped fix.

You guys never really had the chance to find yourselves and then had a young child, and that alone is tough, plus your husband probably also assumed you weren't interested in sex because for the time before the baby, it was hard on you. Your husband's behavior, like not cuddling or wanting to watch tv, is probably in some ways him trying to avoid the subject, because he might have felt like you didn't care. If you let him know you are ready and willing, that you love sex with him, I supect you wlll see what you have.

One thing to please, please keep in mind, for both of you, is that there is nothing wrong with being parents and being young and sexually active, fucking like bunnies and having a baby is okay. Yeah,it can be weird, as one woman who is a dominant put it, it seemed weird she could be this loving mom of a 1 year old child, and at night have her husband tied up and tormenting him and torturing him, seems so totally wacked out *smile*...but it is okay, you are as they say, a wife and a mother, and life often is about roles we play, are.....being a good mommy has nothing to do with being sexually active or inactive, being a good parent means keeping the baby safe, loved and wanted, and if the two parents are fucking like bunnies and happy with each other, only means baby will feel that much better.

One thing I suggest, there are a lot of great books out there on sex and relationships that are wonderful (I personally would stay away from anything written by religious people, though, even though many of them make sex out to be a wonderful thing, they put too much loaded crap in things, like using terms like lust in a negative way, or saying what sex is bounded by..sex is only bounded by things that don't hurt the couple, don't hurt the kids, and to avoiding things that hurt the relationship, not by what some book of sprirituality says...that said, some religious counselors I have read are amazingly open minded about sex in marriage) and they can be valuable, and if you run into troubled waters, someone who is a certified sex counselor can help you navigate these things, believe me, you are not unique, guarantee lots of other people have run into the same thing. Sounds like you guys are finding yourselves, that he is realizing you want it as much as he does, and are really finally starting to bond as a couple and as parents.