Help, our D/s and relationshp is going down the gurgler!

pandoravampire

Really Experienced
Joined
Sep 7, 2004
Posts
284
Long story short. LTR of 2 yrs 24/7 D/s. Very loving. Then one w/e my ex takes my daughter for the weekend, and never brings her back. He'd taken her interstate. I dont have enough money for a solicitor, it ran out at the beginning of the fight, im not entitled to legal aid either as im not a citizen. A cramer vs cramer situation ensues, and still ensues to this day. Because my daughter was torn between who she wanted to be with, mummy or daddy, My Dom suggests we move nearer her. That way, his submissive will be happier, ergo, happy sub, happy Dom. Such a loving thing to do, and a example of how good a Dom he was then.
We rented our house out, and move interstate too to be nearer her, and take her out of the having to 'chose parents' scenario her father had placed her in.

I found a great job, my Dom didnt. He found a filler job, as we now had some debts from the move, plus more legal fees ahead to come.

Our D/s mojo went awol. For many obvious reasons. We'd start to play, it'd go badly. He began drinking daily. We are doing our best with this crap. Communicating and trying to support each other through a really tough time.

Then one night, my Dom, cracks up. Falls in a heap. A sobbing heap. He acts really weird too, he hid under the bed! I dont give a shit about the D/s, supporting someone you love, is part of a loving relationship. So i patch him up, support him best i can. And he comes out of that. Deeply ashamed of his 'lack of control' part though. This really really shocked me. Coaxing your Dom out from hiding under the bed, is not something you think your gonna have to deal with is it?
But our move has meant many losses to my Dom and life partner. He works in a dead end job for now, his career is on hold. He has always lived with a extended family, now its just me. He's losing so much weight, its not healthy, he's depressed. We start to row for the first time. His mental health is definately wobbly to say the least.

Night before last, we are playing, and he hurts me. I let him know that he's hurting me, in not a good way, and he gets really nasty. I got called some awful names, just really bad row stuff. And i snap. All the anger and frustration comes out on both our parts. Words were said that should never of been said.


I can see that the strain of all this is cracking us up, and im worried that ill lose this. Yet im so tired of all the stress, i dont have the fight in me to carry on trying to save it anymore.

Now a day later, i feel like ive a lead balloon in my heart. Im losing everything it seems. We have 'made up' but ive told him i feel sorta numb, like a zombie. When he asked if i wanted to end it, all i could say is i cant take much more, i dont know?
Now he says hes scared that he's losing me, and im the most important person in his life. I am his littleone. Yet im beginning to feel that my Dom, is the 'littleone'.

The D/s is out of the window. For now, other things in life take priority anyhow. But after? Im not sure i can give up control to someone who is 'weak'. God that sounds hard of me i know. The drinking is a issue. Weve gone from promises of "ill not drink at all, ill show you i can do without it" from him. That lasted 4 days. Before i heard, im damned if im gonna let my submissive dictate if i can have a beer after work or not. So instead he tries to limit it to his days off. Drinking is a coping mechanism for him.

Ive several voices in my head,
voice one: get the fuck out of this doomed relationship.
voice two: i cant leave him he needs me.
voice three: we can get through this, if he'll just be a little stronger, for a little longer.

Fuck fuck fuck, my life seems fucked.

That probably seems really jumbled, but then, so is my head. There arent any kink friendly counsellors around here. Small town scenario. I cant talk to my mates, as they are not aware of the D/s aspect to our relationships, and i dont have any in this new town.

So here i am. Sounding like a screaming personality disordered needy bitch. IM not, im just in the middle of some bad soap opera for a life right now. and not of my chosing. I want out of it. Fast.

A part of me, wants to grab my daughter, and do exactly what my ex did to me and her back then, and if there werent a 10 yr old happiness involved, id do that, but id be doing the very same bad parenting that he showed. So i must stay and fight legally. The court will decide who wins. And because his new partner is a male, (yeah, it gets weirder and weirder) i will win.

What the hell am i supposed to do? Not the daughter bit, but with my relationship with a guy, i loved. This alcoholic, mentally ill health person ive ended up with?

pandoravampire
 
I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation. There isn't anything I can tell you, any advice I can give you. I've been hoping that some of the others chime in, but since they didn't I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry and hope very much that things will turn out one way or another. :rose:
 
Wow, makes any issues I have seem tiny in comparison. Was he drinking when you had the "bad" play? Some people dont drink well and just shouldnt. It sounds to me like he may have given up more than he could handle when you moved. I could imagine myself doing something noble like that but there are consequences. It took me 7 years (and I almost lost her) before I was sure the "move" was the right one for me. I wish you the best of luck.
 
pandoravampire said:
What the hell am i supposed to do? Not the daughter bit, but with my relationship with a guy, i loved. This alcoholic, mentally ill health person ive ended up with?

Pandora, when someone has a breakdown, it's never easy to get healthy again. It can be done but it requires WORK. From both of you.

He needs to cut out the alcohol. I recommend AA for that.
YOU need to learn how to live with someone who has issues with alcohol. Try Al-Anon.

He needs professional counselling for the mental and emotional health issues, you need help dealing with his illness as well. Joint relationship counselling may be of benefit to you both as a couple also.

More burdens, more demands on your time and energy and resources. Unfortunately there are no quick and easy fixes for this. And remember a submissives first and foremost priority: PROTECT THE PROPERTY! If you don't take care of YOU, how can you possibly take care of him?

We'll be praying for you and sending good thoughts and energy your way!
{{{{{HUG}}}}}
 
*hug*

*hugs for you*

This sucks. I'm so sorry to hear it. All I can say is that no matter how horrible things seem, you need to keep reminding yourself that it *isn't* the end of the world. Things will look up, one way or another.

I don't think you need to specifically look for a kink counselor. Go to a regular relationship one. Work on the relationship before you work on the D/s. It'll follow, or it won't. But getting each other back on a level where you're comfortable with one another is the way to start.

My heart's with you.
 
Sorry to hear you are having such bother, but my thought is he is still the same Dom as the one you spoke of as being loving to suggest the move to ease your life. He showed sensitivity to the issues, care and respect for you and your problems, and was willing to do what he could to help. Unfortunately, Doms are only human and what might have seemed a good idea at the time has not worked out so well....not unusual in life. Because he is having problems doesn't make him weak or unDomly, just real and human.

Part of the commitment to such relationships, especially when you are 24/7 and living together is to be supportive of each other and work together when problems arise, not expect rose gardens and roll out negative attitudes and run when all does not go to fairytale expectations as in the strong, infallible and competant Dom, happy and satisfied submissive. You were fortunate everything worked positively for you with the move but it is hardly surprising and if he had not suggested the move would you have coped as well? Isn't part of the role of submissive to be sensitive to the needs of their Dominant, and where possible do what is possible to give them the support and service needed? In this scenario he has lost all his infrastructure, given up employment for less than a satisfactory replacement job, all to make your life easier....and yet, because he isn't coping and acting as if it didn't matter you think of getting out?!!

Correct me if I am wrong but I seem to recall you mentioning in the past that you both like drinking, so if that recollection is correct the drinking thing is not new or limited to just him. Does that make him an alcoholic? I don't know. What you need to examine is if you really care for this guy or if it is just when things are going well. You need to look at whether the relationship is healthy for you, or him. Are you wanting a relationship or a perfection which does not exist in real life? Of course this could all be an exercise, we can only go on what you say in these posts. Sounds as if things are tough, but no relationship is perfect 100% of the time and not many people out there these days will put their own life and happiness on the line for someone else as he has done...do you really want to trash that?

Catalina :rose:
 
pandoravampire said:
Night before last, we are playing, and he hurts me. I let him know that he's hurting me, in not a good way, and he gets really nasty. I got called some awful names, just really bad row stuff. And i snap. All the anger and frustration comes out on both our parts. Words were said that should never of been said.

I am going to apologise for editing your post down to this one paragraph. Still I have chosen to do so and here is why.

I think you need to be as sure as humanly possible that you are safe pandora. A red flag , you let him know he was hurting you past what appears from your post as a 'safe word area'. He currently for perhaps all the reasons you have stated took you both to more chaos.

This is not acceptable as you know. I have no doubt it would not be acceptable to your Dominant either if he was functioning currently as he did prior. Please do not permit scenes that may put either of you at risk again in that manner. He may when recovered in time forgive himself a million things. Would he forgive himself some real debilitation or destruction of you ?

I agree with all the advice given to your consideration above. I am the brave type myself and would never abandon a friend / partner / family member without giving almost all of myself BUT I have learned. All the love and consideration in the World I can offer will not solve some things. Pick your battles for this man.
You have the list in your post. Take a tiny thing you can achieve together or apart and solve it. Then take the next. Ask for support where its appropriate then when its forthcoming accept it.

One day at a time, when you can rest do it, when you can have time out from the relationship do it. Any investment in your well being as you know is an investment in his. More now than ever as you take the lion's share of responsibility. You already did one very cool thing you know. You used the Forum in a very practical manner. Come here vent , seek support as you have. There are some wonderful experienced people here as you know and I am sure at times a little camaraderie may serve you well.

I truly wish you the best Pandora in all that you do :rose:
 
Pandora
I think you have been amazingly brave to off load here and it shows how much trust you have of the people here.

EG, Catalina, chicklet and Miss Rebecca all offer sound advice. The problem with any advice is it can be hard to follow through. They have all suggested you ask questions of yourself and him. That can be hard when you feel exhausted and tired of the stress of the situation. Nevertheless I hope you are able to ask yourself the 'hard questions' and give yourself honest answers.

No-one can tell you what to do all anyone can do is say what they see is a good way forward. You still have to make a decision to do it.

Any number of people here will hold your hand every step of the way and support you regardless of the decision you make.

Sometimes it is easier to make a small decision and deal with things in small chunks rather that deal with 'the WHOLE relationship.'
Looking at what the major immediate issues are and working out one small step to improve that. It takes away the stress of figuring everything out too soon when you are too tired to think as objectively as you normally would in differing circumstances.

Have you considered showing him what you have written? Or writing to him?
You were once in an LDR. when it wobbled how did you get your point over? Going back to that form of communication may take the stress off you both and help re-establish what you were both wanting at the begining of this relationship.

Whatever you decide, I admire you for baring your heartache and soul :rose:
 
*HUGS*

It sounds so rough. I'm so sorry. I've been in some horrible places in relationships. You've gotten great advice here. I'm sending good energy your way.

Fury :rose:
 
I agree Pandora, you have been given some great advice here...the main one being that you need to look after you first and foremost. It is a horrid situation to be in and for a time you need to be strong for both of you. I know it is hard, believe me i know!, but you can both come through this.

I would suggest seeing your doctor first and foremost....go together and get advice together about getting though this.


Good luck hun.....will be thinking of you and hoping things get better for you soon

:kiss: :rose:
 
Thankyou all for your responses. From this i will take:
Do something now!

Ive made a appnt with my family Dr. Im hoping my Dom will come along with me. Although he cant be forced to seek help for himself. I dont think he'd object to me doing so, 'for me' touch. At the least, i have to get some sleep under my belt. Night after night of mulling this crap over and over, and you could do a months shopping with the bags under my eyes. My boss has commented on im looking rough.

The alcohol. I dont mind someone having a beer after work. That's a type of normal drinking. But this is way past that level. It appears to be his 'only' coping mechanism he has. And its destructive. To him, to us, and when 'drunk', he turns very suspicious to the point of paranoia, and reacts to that. So this has to stop.

Playing is out of the question at the moment. But im not looking forward to refusing him.

Ive taken my collar off. I love him still, i will care for him still. What i cant do, is trust him. He is somewhat unpredicatable right now. Especially after the other night. He is distressed by my abscence of collar. But i serioulsy cant forget what he did, what he said, how he is. Not just yet. Maybe not again, but that is for later consideration, not just yet.

Im going to try to encourage him to stop drinking. All of his drinking. I would happily support him to give up alcohol. But this is a clincher in the deal for me. I will not invest love and energy to a alcoholic, who's drinking is ruinning his and my life. I dont see things improving for him, unless he stops. Depression is not helped by alcohol.

I dont expect my Dom to be superman. I expect him to have good times, and not so good times. But i have a 10 yr old daughter here. I wont put her in a situation that is not conducive to a happy upbringing. Thankfully, she was not in on 'the' night. But there have been other scenarios, where she has been. Its a concern.

thankyou all. Ive 'bared my soul' as someone put it, because this is a sight filled with people who are not known to me, strangers, yet insightful at the same time. Their is anomyninity in the internet that allowed me this privalege.

pandoravampire
 
No advice. I could not add to the good advice already given. I would just like to extend some good wishes to you and those who are affected around you in all of this.
 
Wow, you have quite a situation here.

On a practical note, how aware is your daughter about your Dom's drinking and the behaviour that results? This may filter back (albeit unwittingly on her part) to her father and may then become an issue in any legal dispute you have. I'm in the UK so I don't know how things work over there but I imagine your ex will be looking for missiles to throw as his own relationship (plus the kidnap as I see it) will damage the chance he has for custody.

You say that your Dom has noticed you are not wearing your collar but have you discussed it? Does he realise how much his behaviour has damaged your trust (if he was very drunk 'that' night, does he even remember all of it?) and how it could be detrimental to your case for your daughter - the whole reason you moved. You need to keep communicating with him - whenever he's receptive to it. There's no need to be confrontational while things are so delicate or to apportion blame. He needs to know, not only how far things have deteriorated between you but also how committed you are to work things out.

State quietly but determinedly that he must understand your committment to your daughter. This man has made a lot of sacrifices in order to be with you and for you to be happy. That is noble and not to be forgotten but at the same time, these were his choices. To blame you for them now, to lash out the way he did 'that' night shows great disrespect. Do not wear his collar while he is using you as a scapegoat this way but let him know how proud you'll be to wear it in the future when things are good between you again. At the same time, don't use it as a tool to manipulate him, just decide where you want your relationship to be when you put it on again and stick to that decision.

Did you plan to relocate permanently or to move back again after regaining custody of your child? If so, remind him of that. If not, consider it as an option - given his unhappiness. Maybe he needs to take time out and visit his family for a while? This may not be viable financially I know. Maybe invite the relatives he misses most to visit?

Tell your Dom the steps you are taking to improve things. Almost as though he were a child (depression regresses people emotionally) praise and reinforce every kindness he continues to show but make it clear to him when he is being hurtful. Ask him to take steps that complement yours. Tell him how worried you are about his drinking, how upsetting it is to watch him hurt himself in this way. Make sure he understands that you are as committed to helping him - as long as he takes steps to rebuild your relationship and help himself.

I know all of this is easy to say and I have never been in anything like your situation. If anything I've said helps at all I'll be so glad for you. All the best Pandora :rose:
 
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