Help Needed (not sexual)

Kitte

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This weekend my ex and I are telling my step daughter that we are divorcing. We have not been seeing her often and have been hiding our seperation from her quite easily because we are still sharing an apt. But as of the end of this month we will not be anymore and I am at a loss of how to explain to this 9 year old girl that I will not be there anymore. I have been in her life since she was 2 years old. I am heartbroken and I want to try and keep a smile for her but I also want her to know that I am not happy about not seeing her and that I will miss her with all my heart...any advice...please.
 
Jesus Kitte!

Thats damn tough! *Shakes head* I really wish I could help you. Especially after you took time to help me.
 
Often children take on the blame for a divorce. I don't know much, but letting her know it is not her fault, and that there is nothing she could have done differently to have made the outcome different seems important.

Also, I would not try to keep her "happy." Let her get pissed off, sad, mad, and be there for her to experience the emotions she is going to feel.

I wish you luck in what is clearly an important day. Have you sought any professional answers to this question??
 
Kitte said:
This weekend my ex and I are telling my step daughter that we are divorcing. We have not been seeing her often and have been hiding our seperation from her quite easily because we are still sharing an apt. But as of the end of this month we will not be anymore and I am at a loss of how to explain to this 9 year old girl that I will not be there anymore. I have been in her life since she was 2 years old. I am heartbroken and I want to try and keep a smile for her but I also want her to know that I am not happy about not seeing her and that I will miss her with all my heart...any advice...please.


Who will be seeking child support?

Who will be seeking spousal support?
 
I also went through this when I seperated from my husband. The way we handled it was I still got to see his son on occasion. If I wanted to get him for the day or night, I was welcome to do so and I did as often as I was able to.

Would your ex and the girls mother be willing to allow you to spend a few hours a week with this girl?
 
Oh hun I can totally understand what you are saying. At the age of 20 I met a man with 3 childern ( 5 girl, 2 1/2 boy and 15 month girl). A short time after him and I met (On the computer might I add) he and the 3 kids moved in with me. I quit my job and became mommy to the Brady Bunch starter kit. Those kids are the reason I stick around as long as I have. The only thing I can suggest is tell her that her father and you no longer love each other but both love her dearly. If it is possible maybe you could work it out with your soon to be ex and see if once a month you could take her for the weekend to keep the bond that you have with her going and so that she doesn't feel like you abanded her. He I am would hope realizes a child doesn't have to pop out of your snatch to be yours too. Good luck hun and keep me posted. If you need to talk I am here *BIG HUGS*
 
My Ex seems willing but her mother feels that it will just make it harder for her, she has never liked me and is glad to see me gone. It is just so hard. When I met my ex we had a whole discussion about how If I take him I take her too and I did, with all my heart. Now, I am expected to just let go because HE wanted a divorce. Grrrrrrr!
 
We all tend to never like the one our ex's end up with....it is natural but this girls mother needs to realize that you are just as much of a parent to this child as her father is. The only difference is that she does not share your genes but she is part of your heart. I would nicely remind this woman that this little girl loves you very much and later in life she could be scared from the fact that her mother was being selfish and refusing to share. A child can never get to much love and there should always be a place in this childs life for you.
 
Some good advice already given here. I might add that you tell her that she can call you when she just needs to talk. You can still have a very good relationship with her.
 
Thanks all of you for your replys. It just isnt easy as many of you know and I feel sort of lost and overwhelmed. I am well on my way to getting over the ex...it is just the little one tearing at me. I feel like she will blame me, and will hate me. ( I know Im so dramatic)
 
Wishing you the best

Kitte,

It’s never easy to part with children and as mentioned above, please allow the child to express the emotions that she feels about what’s happening. Years ago, I was in a very similar situation. My step-mom and dad divorced, and I was quite upset because I really loved my step-mom. She moved several hundred miles away, so seeing her often was not an option, but staying in touch via letters and short phone calls made the separation much easier on me. Email wasn’t around the, but that would have been a great option, too.

She would write a letter and send me a stamped envelope and stationary to write back on. We exchanged cards and an ornament every Christmas, and called each other on birthdays and other holidays. I still have several of the ornaments that she sent. Occasionally, I called her just because I wanted to say hi. (I was very lucky in that my mom thought it was great that the relationship stayed strong.)

If the child’s mom isn’t happy about the two of you staying in touch, could you send letters to your ex’s house for her to pick up when she gets there? I bet finding mail when she goes to her dad’s would make her feel extra special. Would he allow her to make a quick phone call to you when she is visiting him?

Above all else, I think that it’s very important to stress over and over to her that she is a very special young lady and that you and your ex both love her very much. Let her know that you would like to continue to be a part of her life, only it will have to be in a different way. Best of luck this weekend!

Sunny
 
I can't imagine the pain of a child losing a parent completely in a divorce. All of the ideas about staying in touch make sense to me. Hopefully, your ex will agree.
 
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