Help - need to be more sexual

[LadySue]

I am new here and opening a new chapter in my marriage with my husband of 23yrs.

Here is a little insight on our past.

We have tried the swinging and it isn't my thing. I did it for all the wrong reasons, basically to please him. I wasn't happy doing it and did it for years. Even after telling him I didn't want to do it he still found ways to make me feel guilty and to keep doing it. When I finally put my foot down and said enough was enough our marriage went down hill.

He stayed away from home, surfed porn to get off, was texting other women and went as far as sleeping with a couple of women. We have found this to be a sexually addiction with the net in the end. We were separated last year and almost divorced. With the help of some therapy and the net limited, things have gotten better. We talk to each other and enjoy being together more than we have in a while. However, I need to learn to be more sexual with him. I was brought up with very strict parents and sex wasn't talked about. I was raised to believe that sex wasn't the thing to do, it was implied that it was dirty.

I was also somewhat molested when I was younger. It was an older man touching me and forcing his tongue in my mouth. I ran from him when possible. I never told anyone till after I was married. Not really sure if this has really hurt me any in my life now.

More or less I need to be able to open up, be more sexually and enjoy it like I did when I was first married. Sometimes I feel like I am broke or there are too many things that need done to even think about sex. I enjoy it when I am with my husband. He still rocks my world, it is just getting there sometimes for me that is the hard part. I really was never the one to initiate sex, I really never had too. Hubby was always ready.

Want to be more sexual and open, Help! Any input or advice on the subject?

 

[nakdsub]

I can't believe how close your scenario...

Follows one of my stories, it's uncanny. Anyway, I would suggest trying new things. Try some bondage, some role play, use Literotica as foreplay, or some other form of sexual stimulation before the sex itself.

I always liked the blindfold. I used to carry one with me at times and slip it around my girlfriend's eyes at odd times. Maybe we would be outside in the back yard or in the kitchen, almost anytime. Funny thing when you're wearing a blindfold, the anticipation is unbelievably erotic. Once the blindfold is on every little touch of his fingers, of his tongue, his hot breath on the back of your neck, his hands moving up your inner thigh, it all becomes so much more intense.

I always believed it was the man's job to romance his woman, of course, the woman has to respond in kind, otherwise it becomes extremely frustrating for the man and pretty soon he says forget it.

 

[Lord Pmann]

In my (extremely limited) experience, the thing that helps my wife and I explore whatever we want is trust. You have a lot of reasons to not trust your husband right now. A lot of valid reasons. I think the key to opening up sexually with him will be to rebuild that trust. Maybe that sounds Dr. Phil-ish. But it's true. It's a lot easier to explore with someone you trust than not. So I think the root of the inhibitions may run rather deep. But you seem to have taken the proper steps to getting things working again. Good on you for that.

With that said, surprising him by initiating may go a long way. In the first few years of our marriage it was always me. My wife was always willing. But in the last couple of years, she initiated more. And it makes a difference for me and for her. I think it made her more aggressive and confident. The more you do something, the better you'll get. I think setting aside the stresses of the day and the things that need to be done and focusing on you and your partner will, over time, make you more sexual.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

misnomer

In my humble opinion, your problem is not being more sexual but recovering from the abuse which will free you to be quicker on the trigger. I suggest a book, Getting Past Your Past by Shapiro or, perhaps, The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. The gist of the problem is that children have a terrific capacity and ability to take responsibility for things that happen to them. You very likely have assumed some responsibility for the abuse and, if you're thereby not a good, pure, lovable, worthwhile person it's very hard to respond intimately. It wasn't your fault your parents did not protect you. It is to be hoped that getting rid of the guilt and shame will set you free.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Good Luck

I'd recommend finding a qualified therapist to start with, and if ordinary therapy doesn't help, then try a specialized sex therapist. It sounds like the spirit and body are willing, but the mind keeps getting in the way. Whatever you choose - good luck!

 

[LadySue]

I always liked the blindfold. I used to carry one with me at times and slip it around my girlfriend's eyes at odd times. Maybe we would be outside in the back yard or in the kitchen, almost anytime. Funny thing when you're wearing a blindfold, the anticipation is unbelievably erotic. Once the blindfold is on every little touch of his fingers, of his tongue, his hot breath on the back of your neck, his hands moving up your inner thigh, it all becomes so much more intense.

Thank you for your suggestions. I do like the idea of the blindfold. We have in the past did a little with this but it was more me using it on him. I would like to explore more with this. It does keep you guessing.

 

[LadySue]

In my (extremely limited) experience, the thing that helps my wife and I explore whatever we want is trust. You have a lot of reasons to not trust your husband right now. A lot of valid reasons. I think the key to opening up sexually with him will be to rebuild that trust. Maybe that sounds Dr. Phil-ish. But it's true. It's a lot easier to explore with someone you trust than not. So I think the root of the inhibitions may run rather deep. But you seem to have taken the proper steps to getting things working again. Good on you for that.

With that said, surprising him by initiating may go a long way. In the first few years of our marriage it was always me. My wife was always willing. But in the last couple of years, she initiated more. And it makes a difference for me and for her. I think it made her more aggressive and confident. The more you do something, the better you'll get. I think setting aside the stresses of the day and the things that need to be done and focusing on you and your partner will, over time, make you more sexual.

Thanks and I think you hit something with the trust. They may be part of the problem. Worry that I won't ever be able to do what needs do to keep it exciting and enjoyable. But I am going to keep the open mind to try and explore new ideas and will be doing some reading on here.

I did surprise him tonight by feeling him up a little when he came home from work and found it to his liking.

 

[LadySue]

I'd recommend finding a qualified therapist to start with, and if ordinary therapy doesn't help, then try a specialized sex therapist. It sounds like the spirit and body are willing, but the mind keeps getting in the way. Whatever you choose - good luck!

Thanks and I will keep the therapist in mind, but I am going to try and hold out on my own for a while and see how it goes.

 

[LadySue]

In my humble opinion, your problem is not being more sexual but recovering from the abuse which will free you to be quicker on the trigger. I suggest a book, Getting Past Your Past by Shapiro or, perhaps, The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. The gist of the problem is that children have a terrific capacity and ability to take responsibility for things that happen to them. You very likely have assumed some responsibility for the abuse and, if you're thereby not a good, pure, lovable, worthwhile person it's very hard to respond intimately. It wasn't your fault your parents did not protect you. It is to be hoped that getting rid of the guilt and shame will set you free.

Thanks for the suggestion on the books. I will have to check them out.

As for my parents not protecting me, they had no idea that it was even happening. I was young and afraid to say anything.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Thanks and I think you hit something with the trust. They may be part of the problem. Worry that I won't ever be able to do what needs do to keep it exciting and enjoyable. But I am going to keep the open mind to try and explore new ideas and will be doing some reading on here.

I did surprise him tonight by feeling him up a little when he came home from work and found it to his liking.

You are here trying to get advice on how to really make things better. Good on you. And from your side of the story, it sounds like he is the one who has broken the trust. So you're doing more than you part. Very respectable. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Thefamiliar]

Start slow, read some erotica or even romance novels and allow your mind to wander to him and you.

Surf a little romantic porn, ugghh the name eludes me but there are producers that show loving couples making love, not just raunchy sex. Porn for women is what its under.

The trick is to get thinking about it, and allowing yourself to think about it. Where the mind goes the body will follow. Dont try to force what you arent confident about.

Fun surprizes, grab his ass as you walk by. Initiate a full kiss, not just a peck. If you know your gona have time, simply whisper "i want you" in his ear.

Dont focus on turning him on, focus on what you feel like doing at the time. We arent trying to help him become more sexual towards you, it you and what will help you.

Man or woman there is no bigger turn on than knowing you are wanted.

Crap after your history, now its your turn. Light some candles, hand him some massage oil..get what you want, and the rest will follow naturally. You will gain confidence a little at a time, and become more comfortable as you do. Those are key.

 

[GrrlFriday]

Perhaps... put some priority on working out what works for you, your own sexuality, not all about pleasing him. It's a noble and natural thing to want to please your partner, but having some time to yourself might be good, so that you can get used to the idea of wanting again. Then share what you want to do with him.

 

[Kat1971]

Perhaps... put some priority on working out what works for you, your own sexuality, not all about pleasing him. It's a noble and natural thing to want to please your partner, but having some time to yourself might be good, so that you can get used to the idea of wanting again. Then share what you want to do with him.

Totally agree.

You can't be sexual without feeling sexual. And you can only do that by making yourself happy. Even if that is the excitement you get from surprising him or giving him pleasure. It's only going to work if that's what you want to do. Not what you think he wants.

Sounds like you have had some difficult times and I genuinely hope you find something that makes YOU happy.

 

[subwannabe]

I don't think you realize that you actually have two seperate problems:

1. You need to work on your low sex drive and and hangups and become more sexual.

2. You need to be divorced from this dickhead and start life anew.

You're in denial and dillusional in thinking this is going to work. There is a huge difference in your sex drive and your type of sex life. You're dillusional in thinking that the two of you can meet halfway with him being less sexual and you being more. Just because you have a sex drive and hangup issue you realize needs working on doesn't mean you are required to learn how to like being a swinger and letting your husband fuck whoever he wants. You have the right to be a wild sexual animal and yet refuse to be into swinging and letting your husband fuck whoever he wants. Believe me, he is not going to meet you halfway. He is expecting you to try harder, much harder, and meet him on his turf, not in the middle. Once your husband has eaten the apple he isn't going to go backwards, not in the long term.

 

[Thefamiliar]

We can hardly assess the situation as delusional or if it will or will not work from the short tidbit we have from the initial post. Its easy to say walk away when you dont have the time and emotional bond invested.

I would likely say walk as well, I did after the last straw broke, but not every ass is destined to stay an ass for eternity. Only the poster can make that call. Ive seen people change and ive seen the past repeat itself. Dont be so quick to judge.

Though I suppose at some point someone should say, its perfectly ok to not be very sexual, it doesnt mean something is wrong with you. A bit out of the norm for a website based on sex...lol but it should be said. Though the question itself sounded like exploring new things to me.

Perhaps make a deal with him. If you open to becoming more sexual, he needs to become more romantic. Tit for tat, fair is fair.

 

[LadySue]

I don't think you realize that you actually have two seperate problems:

1. You need to work on your low sex drive and and hangups and become more sexual.

2. You need to be divorced from this dickhead and start life anew.

You're in denial and dillusional in thinking this is going to work. There is a huge difference in your sex drive and your type of sex life. You're dillusional in thinking that the two of you can meet halfway with him being less sexual and you being more. Just because you have a sex drive and hangup issue you realize needs working on doesn't mean you are required to learn how to like being a swinger and letting your husband fuck whoever he wants. You have the right to be a wild sexual animal and yet refuse to be into swinging and letting your husband fuck whoever he wants. Believe me, he is not going to meet you halfway. He is expecting you to try harder, much harder, and meet him on his turf, not in the middle. Once your husband has eaten the apple he isn't going to go backwards, not in the long term.[/QUOTE

All though I appreciate your input, you can't just throw away 23 yrs of marriage without trying first! So many out there don't even try and just divorce. I for one don't think that is always the answer, but everyone has their own opinion. Not every relationship is perfect. If It doesn't work and we have tried everything within our power then we move on. If it does work then we are both happy. So I look at it as a 50 /50 chance.

Also during all this he went to therapy and to SAA to get himself back in order. He no longer sits on the computer and surfs the net or chats till wee hours of the morning. I feel he has made the commientment to this marriage and I need to do more on my side.

 

[LadySue]

We can hardly assess the situation as delusional or if it will or will not work from the short tidbit we have from the initial post. Its easy to say walk away when you dont have the time and emotional bond invested.

I would likely say walk as well, I did after the last straw broke, but not every ass is destined to stay an ass for eternity. Only the poster can make that call. Ive seen people change and ive seen the past repeat itself. Dont be so quick to judge.

Though I suppose at some point someone should say, its perfectly ok to not be very sexual, it doesnt mean something is wrong with you. A bit out of the norm for a website based on sex...lol but it should be said. Though the question itself sounded like exploring new things to me.

Perhaps make a deal with him. If you open to becoming more sexual, he needs to become more romantic. Tit for tat, fair is fair.

Thanks and yes I would like to explore more. Make things more exciting and try new things that can rock both our worlds. I have decided to read more of the stories posted here. I have found a few already that I have liked. They were a little bit of a turn on for me.

 

[Thefamiliar]

Thanks and yes I would like to explore more. Make things more exciting and try new things that can rock both our worlds. I have decided to read more of the stories posted here. I have found a few already that I have liked. They were a little bit of a turn on for me.

Awesome

Actually it was my ex ass that gifted me with the loss of my inhibitions, I am glad for that myself. Though, some I will never lose, and I am not sweating over those. Its a bit liberating to be naughty sometimes.

Its the difference between what turns you on and what turns him on. Dont do it for him, and you will be fine. Definately speak up if it doesnt turn you on. Because honestly to do something just for him, will repeat the past.

 

[LadySue]

I am new here and opening a new chapter in my marriage with my husband of 23yrs.

Here is a little insight on our past.

We have tried the swinging and it isn't my thing. I did it for all the wrong reasons, basically to please him. I wasn't happy doing it and did it for years. Even after telling him I didn't want to do it he still found ways to make me feel guilty and to keep doing it. When I finally put my foot down and said enough was enough our marriage went down hill.

He stayed away from home, surfed porn to get off, was texting other women and went as far as sleeping with a couple of women. We have found this to be a sexually addiction with the net in the end. We were separated last year and almost divorced. With the help of some therapy and the net limited, things have gotten better. We talk to each other and enjoy being together more than we have in a while. However, I need to learn to be more sexual with him. I was brought up with very strict parents and sex wasn't talked about. I was raised to believe that sex wasn't the thing to do, it was implied that it was dirty.

I was also somewhat molested when I was younger. It was an older man touching me and forcing his tongue in my mouth. I ran from him when possible. I never told anyone till after I was married. Not really sure if this has really hurt me any in my life now.

More or less I need to be able to open up, be more sexually and enjoy it like I did when I was first married. Sometimes I feel like I am broke or there are too many things that need done to even think about sex. I enjoy it when I am with my husband. He still rocks my world, it is just getting there sometimes for me that is the hard part. I really was never the one to initiate sex, I really never had too. Hubby was always ready.

Want to be more sexual and open, Help! Any input or advice on the subject?

UPDATE
Well today has been interesting. While at work hubby and I were texting. All I could think about was having his cock in me. When I told him he said next bathroom break to get myself to the point where I wanted to cum and stop!

My next bathroom break I did as he told me to. I wanted to cum so bad, I was so wet and throbbing for his cock. He requested a pic for proof so I sent it to him. I was amazed at how wet I was and excited. I didn't think I was going to be able to stop from cumming. But I did.

On my way home I was to rub myself and make my panties wet and then send proof to him again. I have done so and put on a very short dress with heels and sent him a pic of that too. I felt pretty sexy in my high heels to say the least.

I have been a very naughty and bad girl today but enjoying it!! Just waiting on him to get home so I can see what else he has in store for me.

 

[Kat1971]

Well if that was the case you don't need help in being more sexual. If anything you should be helping the rest of us..

 

[LadySue]

Well if that was the case you don't need help in being more sexual. If anything you should be helping the rest of us..

This is all new to me, I wouldn't have ever done this before I posted here and with the suggestions I have been given.

 

[Kat1971]

That's great. Amazing how being bad can make you feel so good!

 

[Thefamiliar]

You go girl!



Glad you found things that work. If we dont hear from you, we know why. Lol

 

[aluv]

it is so much easier for a woman wanting to be more sexual than a man.

 

[Thefamiliar]

it is so much easier for a woman wanting to be more sexual than a man.

How so?