Help me!!

[MaraJade1978]

How do I get my fiancee to be a little more Kinky??? He's pretty vanilla and i'm all about trying new things that are a little on the naughty side. Is there a good way to ease him into the wilder side of sex?

 

[DrHappy]

Talk, talk, talk, talk. Now! Before you are married! Don't expect to him to change after you are married. You will resent him and he will resent you. Can you accept him the way that he is? Maybe he just hasn't felt the comfort level to explore. Or maybe that's just not in his nature and he will never want to try new things. Listen to him openly and be ready to accept the fact that he may not ever be that kind of person. Do some soul searching and decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. It's much better to find out now than after you've been married and have a couple of kids. How old are you two? People change a lot between 20 and 30.

Back to your original question: My answer is talk. Have you tried that already? Have you shared your desires and expectations? He may possibly open up if you do. Have you two tried something wild yet? If you've already ventured there and he's just not into it, you may have to accept that he may never be into it.

 

[Mirandy]

How do I get my fiancee to be a little more Kinky??? He's pretty vanilla and i'm all about trying new things that are a little on the naughty side. Is there a good way to ease him into the wilder side of sex?

I agree with DrHappy that if this is a deal breaker for you, you really need to find out now before you marry.

It's more difficult to advise you without knowing if you've ever discussed this with him or already tried something that he's rejected.

Are you his first serious, long term relationship? It seems to me that guys who've only had one night stands or very short relationships sometimes never spent the time or had the closeness level that would usually lead to exploring.

There were a ton of things my husband never tried before meeting me, but he's very open now! Once he found out I wouldn't feel disrespected by his fantasies -- or disrespect him because of his fantasies -- what I assumed were his inhibitions just disappeared. They weren't really inhibitions at all, just fear of rejection and concern for me.

As I see it, you have two choices -- either discuss it with him or just go for it by surprising him with your kinky choice. And as far as "discussing" it, a kinky letter is always an option IMO.

 

[YummyMummy26]

I have to agree that open communication in any relationship is a blessing! I've been married to my DH for almost 7 years now and at first sex was kinda hot but I wanted more and he wasnt giving it to me. It caused ALOT of heated arguements among us. He went away for a year and we wrote and he called often from his area and when he came home sex was starting to get better, just more boring. Turns out we both wanted the same things but needed to learn to balance eachother out.

You could try taking him to a book store like Borders or B&N that has a coffee shop and pull out a book from that department point stuff out and make comments about things looking fun. Listen to his reactions, dont read between the lines. Dont forget to tell him what you want and ask what he wants out of the sexual aspect of your relationship.

As above would this be a deal breaker for you if he couldnt get as kinky as you would like?

 

[MaraJade1978]

it's not a dealbreaker no, and we have a GREAT sex life really, and one that most people would probably already think of as being fairly adventurous. He won't go down on me though, which I REALLY wish that he would and I'd like to get into some D/s style role play which he said isn't really his style.

 

[Pearljwah]

what kind of guy wont go down on his girlfriend?!

I hardly cal lthat a great sex life!

 

[MaraJade1978]

Well, i'm working on it. He mentioned something the other day about whipped cream or chocolate syrup (a guy he works with was talking about it) and i said that I better be getting some oral action then, and he said we'll see...so...i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Other than that though, he's a pretty considerate lover, I have multiple's pretty much everytime we have sex and I always get to cum first. I just think I'm really oversexed right now...is it late 20's when women reach their peak?

 

[RazingTrouble]

Wow, I would feel almost cheated if I didn't get to go down on my wife during sex. (lol She voices the same opinion if I don't perform oral on her.)

But I do understand your need for more. There are some things that I would like to see happen in the bed room that may or may not ever happen but like other men I am "Happily married but sexually unfullfilled".

 

[YummyMummy26]

Women we are told from I dont know what age reach their peak at 40 or so. I think it's a farse I dont think we ever peak per-say, I think we just keep thinking up new ways to have fun in the bedroom and are always changing it up lol.

 

[Eilan]

Well, i'm working on it. He mentioned something the other day about whipped cream or chocolate syrup (a guy he works with was talking about it) and i said that I better be getting some oral action then, and he said we'll see...so...i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Sounds like a yeast infection waiting to happen.

 

[Mazuri]

what kind of guy wont go down on his girlfriend?!

I hardly cal lthat a great sex life!

I have a wonderful sex life with my husband who also will not perform oral on me. With so many other things he does to ensure I am a boneless pile of very satisfied goo in bed, I really can't complain. Just as some women won't swallow, won't do anal, or don't like <fill in sex act here> there are some men who don't do oral. *shrugs*

 

[MaraJade1978]

I tried the "I won't go down on you, if you don't go down on me thing" but...I love to give oral, so that didn't go so great. Then I guess part of the thing is that I'd LIKE for him to go down on me, but in the past other guys weren't that great at it, so maybe i'm not really missing much anyway? No offense to the great guys out there, that DO know their way around down there

 

[SweetErika]

it's not a dealbreaker no, and we have a GREAT sex life really, and one that most people would probably already think of as being fairly adventurous. He won't go down on me though, which I REALLY wish that he would and I'd like to get into some D/s style role play which he said isn't really his style.

Make sure you'll still feel that way in 20 years, or he's open to you exploring those things with someone else, as it's common for the desire to do those things to get stronger over time.

Regarding the D/s, maybe he's just not big on roleplay. If roleplay were presented to my husband or I, we'd turn it down, yet living a 24/7 D/s reality works beautifully for us. It's not a matter of playing for us, it's just being who we are. JMohegan in BDSM Talk has some fantasic ideas on fostering dominance in a more vanilla partner, so you might want to find those posts or talk to him directly if you're interested in being topped. But at the end of the day, your guy may be vanilla or even submissive, so you'll want to consider carefully how you'll feel in 5, 10, 30 years if your sex life remains the same or he becomes LESS adventurous.

And listen to Eilan on the food-pussy issue; maybe you could try a flavored lube or something instead. Apparently O'My lube makes pretty good flavors.

 

[MaraJade1978]

I just want to thank everyone for the really great advice. I'll just start slow and see where things go from there!!

 

[HellofromSoCal]

I have met some men who just aren't into giving oral. I find if they do it for you and don't enjoy it they probably won't be any good at it. I have never met a man opposed to d/s. Does he know about lit, could the two of you read the posts together to open up some more conversation on boundries. I have been here a very short time and have already learned a few things.

what kind of guy wont go down on his girlfriend?!

I hardly cal lthat a great sex life!

 

[rthnck]

Game Giving and Good

While I echo the other posters about "communication", in this situation it will only take you so far. The OP appears to have no problems talking about what she wants, but her BF has already indicated an unwillingness to explore.

That's a horse of a different color. Slow and steady may win the race here. Introduce one thing and only one thing that interests you and see if that works. Little baby steps may open up some doors for you.

I know how I'd react if I got home from work to find my woman naked and ready and she said "tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it." That could be the first step in a D/s scene. If he bites, reel him in slowly. Don't rush to add something else. If you do it right he might not even notice you're expanding his horizons....

The oral thing is much harder to overcome. The reason he is reluctant has to be discovered. Communicate. Take a shower together. Run your finger between your legs and offer him a taste....Little baby steps may work here too but only if he can be a little more open-minded.

 

[Mazuri]

The oral thing is much harder to overcome. The reason he is reluctant has to be discovered. Communicate. Take a shower together. Run your finger between your legs and offer him a taste....Little baby steps may work here too but only if he can be a little more open-minded.

I'm not sure I understand why it has to be overcome? If he doesn't enjoy it, why continue to try to make him? Unless this is something the OP simply must have for a fulfilled sex life, I don't see why making her fiance do something he doesn't like is a requirement.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm not sure I understand why it has to be overcome? If he doesn't enjoy it, why continue to try to make him? Unless this is something the OP simply must have for a fulfilled sex life, I don't see why making her fiance do something he doesn't like is a requirement.

I think it depends on why he doesn't want to do oral, and how important it is to her. My belief is that we should try to do things that our partners enjoy, even if they're not easy for us. If my husband really wanted me to swallow every time, for instance, I'd give learning/trying my very best effort. I might not succeed each time, or maybe even not at all, but the fact that I wanted to overcome my problem with it, please him and was making an effort would count for a lot for both of us.

Likewise, I would certainly expect him to try to overcome his problem with oral and find some enjoyment in it (even if it's just that it makes me feel good and he loves doing that) because it's something I enjoy. If he couldn't manage after that, I might feel as you do, but not trying (assuming there's not a reason like it causes emotional/physical distress) is unacceptable. The same goes for everything else in our relationship.

I don't think rnthnck said it had to be overcome, just that it was more complicated to overcome. If it's important to her and they have a good enough relationship to consider marriage, I don't see any reason why they shouldn't at least try to work it out or find a good compromise.

 

[rthnck]

we shall overcome

I couldn't have said it better myself SweetErika. I'm hesitant to add anything with an answer as good as that. A partner who is willing to try is tops in my book. So I'll just quote Star Wars:

Luke: All right, I'll give it a try.
Yoda: No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.
[Using the Force, Yoda effortlessly frees the X-Wing from the bog]
Luke: I don't, I don't believe it.
Yoda: That is why you fail.

Not every sexual act can be accomplished by sheer force of will but wanting to please your partner and explore your own boundaries can improve a relationship immeasurably.

 

[mnwerewolf]

it's not a dealbreaker no, and we have a GREAT sex life really, and one that most people would probably already think of as being fairly adventurous. He won't go down on me though, which I REALLY wish that he would and I'd like to get into some D/s style role play which he said isn't really his style.

First of all going to preface this with the love of my life is here reading this with me Mswolftamer as told me to say what needs to be said.

Run run quickly in the other direction, as for him not going down on you, dump him. I am sorry but being male here with a deep passion for loving a whole women's body, it means licking, sucking, nibbling, carressing and touch the whole woman, not just those parts that most men think need to be touched just to get them laid.

A man should really know how to touch his love to send shivers up her spine and cause goosebumps even from a simple touch to the back of the neck or arm at anytime of the day. This is not intend in a sexual way can be just a hello.

To answer your question as to how do you get him to try more? You can try but you will find that if he hasn't shown you it in the courtship it won't happen in the marriage.