Help Me!!!!

[bustier]

I'm getting married in November. Fortunately our parents are paying for the wedding, however because of this they are pretty much getting what they want while leaving my fiancee and I with huge amounts of stress. Our parents are not getting along at all. We are from different cultures and one cannot understand the other. To top that off, my mom can get quite upset when she doesn't get her way, and in turn makes me crazy and stressed because she constantly is in a bad mood and telling me about it. There is no ommunication between our parents, and they expect us to shuttle information back and forth (my mom tells me something, I tell my fiancee, fiancee tells his parents, and back around again). I found out today that my mom lied to me by telling me that she did something, but did not.

How do I deal with this situation? What should I do, and how do I effectively tell her that I know she lied to me and I am going to take care of it myself and do it no matter what?

 

[drtywhr]

Oh no!!

I've had one marriage at least start to fail because of this problem(Tell him I said.. Tell her she's a...) You know. While the rest of the marriage had other problems this particular problem caused HUGE chasms between myself and my husband. You all need to talk. If talking is not working then write a letter if you have to. That always worked wonders with my bull-headed father. They can't interrupt, you can finish what your saying. but remember work it out before it causes problems w/ whats really important, you two.

 

[bustier]

I've had one marriage at least start to fail because of this problem(Tell him I said.. Tell her she's a...) You know. While the rest of the marriage had other problems this particular problem caused HUGE chasms between myself and my husband. You all need to talk. If talking is not working then write a letter if you have to. That always worked wonders with my bull-headed father. They can't interrupt, you can finish what your saying. but remember work it out before it causes problems w/ whats really important, you two.

Luckily my fiancee and I do not fight with each other and we are careful not to put the others' parents down. It is just causing a huge amount of pain for us, because we feel that the whole idea of the wedding is not the point anymore. They are worried about their reputations and what others think of them and not about the fact that the whole idea of the wedding is for us to be married.

I am in tears almost every day about this, because we feel stuck in the middle. We have tried getting them to talk with each other but they refuse. I think that there was some dishonesty on my mother's part, because she wanted to see her vision through, so did not include my fiancee's parents on the planning too much. Now, a month before the wedding, his parents finally decided to speak up, and my mother is crazy upset and stressed, because everything is statin from the beginning, and it is not how she planned it. What should I do about her lying and how can I effectively speak to her about it.

Just as a reference of how totally out of control this has gotten:
My mom called me yesterday while my fiancee and I were furniture shopping. She was absolutely infuriated, because his parents called the caterer and were making the caterer crazy, almost to the point where he was going to cancel our party. She was so mad, that she threatened to mortgage her aparment and ay for the enitre wedding so she would not have these problems and be embarressed at the wedding. I was crying and said that if she mortgaged the apartment to pay for it herself then I will not come to the wedding and run away to get married. She said ok.

WHAT!!!!!

 

[interfacial]

Now, I am not married, but my sister got married about 4 years ago, and there was a big problem with the parents controlling the wedding. My sister and brother in law got this problem solved 6 months before the wedding, so it was much easier to deal with than 1 month. The fact is, 1 month before the wedding, things are going to be set in stone that you can either accept or throw away at the cost of your parents' money. Now, my opinion could be good advice, but it does have great risk. It's also pessimistic and involves you getting as angry as possible. Turn those teas to rage. Not anger, I mean mad dog rage. You will need to be snarling. (I fear my sister to this day)

You guys get 1 real wedding, if you're lucky a 2nd wedding years away that won't be as big or great. This is NOT your parents' day. If your mother is stressed, it's stress she brought onto herself. You can not allow yourself to feel guilty about it, because that is how she will control you. You have already allowed her to attempt to live her life through you with the wedding, and you just can not give her any lee way or she will latch onto it.

You are going to get all of them together. No matter what, you are going to tell them to do this, and not listen to a damn word they are saying until they are together. Then you will do the talking. You will yell at them for 5-10 minutes about this, then leave them alone together for an hour, if you can, get their keys before you yell so they can't leave. After you come back, you will talk with them for about 5 minutes, and then allow them to finally speak to you. Then you will find what can and can not be changed, and you do the deciding. As unfair as it may be, it's going to be you doing the decision making and not really your husband. You have more weight as the bride, and your parents will know that. Your husband will need to be beside your for all of it to back you up, though.

 

[Mazuri]

A wedding is supposed to be for the bride and groom, not their parents. If they can't act like adults, elope.

 

[bustier]

Now, I am not married, but my sister got married about 4 years ago, and there was a big problem with the parents controlling the wedding. My sister and brother in law got this problem solved 6 months before the wedding, so it was much easier to deal with than 1 month. The fact is, 1 month before the wedding, things are going to be set in stone that you can either accept or throw away at the cost of your parents' money. Now, my opinion could be good advice, but it does have great risk. It's also pessimistic and involves you getting as angry as possible. Turn those teas to rage. Not anger, I mean mad dog rage. You will need to be snarling. (I fear my sister to this day)

You guys get 1 real wedding, if you're lucky a 2nd wedding years away that won't be as big or great. This is NOT your parents' day. If your mother is stressed, it's stress she brought onto herself. You can not allow yourself to feel guilty about it, because that is how she will control you. You have already allowed her to attempt to live her life through you with the wedding, and you just can not give her any lee way or she will latch onto it.

You are going to get all of them together. No matter what, you are going to tell them to do this, and not listen to a damn word they are saying until they are together. Then you will do the talking. You will yell at them for 5-10 minutes about this, then leave them alone together for an hour, if you can, get their keys before you yell so they can't leave. After you come back, you will talk with them for about 5 minutes, and then allow them to finally speak to you. Then you will find what can and can not be changed, and you do the deciding. As unfair as it may be, it's going to be you doing the decision making and not really your husband. You have more weight as the bride, and your parents will know that. Your husband will need to be beside your for all of it to back you up, though.

In theory, this is awesome advice. You are right that I feel guilty and that I should not. I cannot imagine doing this though. My fiancee's parents are not my in-laws yet, so it would be inappropriate for me to yell at them and get involved on their end of the problems, if not detrimental to my relationship with them. I am also afraid that if I yell at my mother like that and place her in a vulnerable position in front of them she will be really really upset and hurt.

Have you ever dealt with someone so stubborn that no matter what you can think of saying in a normal situation with someone else you know that you cannot say to the stubborn person, because there will always be an excuse and it will go round and round?

What about the lying part? How do I speak to her about it in an effective way, so that she knows I am aware of her dishonesty, and am going to get what I want?

 

[SweetErika]

What did she lie about? My advice depends on the situation.

 

[bustier]

What did she lie about? My advice depends on the situation.

I'm jewish, so traditionally at religious weddings there is only jewish music. My fiancee is not religious, and he and I have many friends that are not religious and some who are not jewish at all. We have an amazing band, and when my mom booked them nd drew up a contract I specifically told her to make sure they play regular music. She said she did. I forgot about this for a while, and now when it is so close to the date I asked her if the band needs a list of songs I would like them to play. She got really defensive and combative and said of course not, they are professionals and can play everything. I was not so sure about this and asked for the band's number so I could call them. She asked me why I was calling them, and I told her I was unclear of how it works, and wanted to know if they get a seperate guy to sing the regular songs, if they sing at all, is it a DJ, etc.? Again she got even more combative and told me I was being rediculous, no other person does this, and that the band leader will get annoyed if there are too many questions.

Thinking that this was rediculous and not caring whether he gets annoyed or not, I called him and asked him about regular music. He looked t the contract and asked me if I spoke to my mom about this. I said yes, and he told me that there was nothing on the contract indicting this, but he would be more than happy to play for me, and it would be pretty easy to do, but I must speak with my mom first before I book it to avoid a fight at the wedding.

I am really pissed that she lied to me, and do not know how to handle this without getting her upset, defensive, and lying again. I have a feeling that she will either say that she did tell the band about it and it was their mistake, or she will turn it around on me and say that "no other mother has to go through this", or "this is difficult enough for me already (I am marrying a non-religious jew, but I was raised religious), and I am swallowing so much already even letting this wedding happen, so I am going to have a nice religious wedding", or anything else to that extent which makes me feel cornered.

Any advice?

 

[human_male]

Threaten to elope.

 

[naughtygirl69s]

fuck this

Tell your parents to F off and go get married in Jamaica or something

 

[emap]

Well yikes.

Sorry no better way to say it. Now, this is something you can fix rather easily, though it will require you to actually sit your mother down and scream at her. No not literally, you can have a mature conversation about this, namely you REALLY need to tell your mother, it's your wedding, your not 5, she is driving you up the wall and you have to look over everything and change what you can and wish to change.

She will be upset, she may yell at you, let her yell and tell her it's your wedding, your an adult and you are going to marry the man of your dreams how you want to marry him, not her way of marrying him.

She may tell you she isn't going to pay for the wedding, tell her fine, you can't go to our wedding. She may need a day or two to get over it, let her have that, you will probably have a strained relationship for a while. Trust me though, things will be alot better after she gets over it.

 

[ombligo1]

Man, I am so glad I paid for my wedding myself.

I kept it simple and affordable. That afternoon when the wedding was over and the family was eating, my new bride and I waved goodbye and 24-hours later we were as happy as those couples who had $20,000 weddings.

and no debt to anyone.

In your case - good luck but you've set yourselves up for a domineering influence on your lives. Get it under control now or it will create massive problems later.

 

[Ctoago]

So sorry to hear about all this stress you are going through.

I think you need to stop for a moment, and try and calm yourself down. The only person that you can control right now is yourself, some deep breathes, and then evaluate the situation. You know your mother best. Is she going to change/back down/calm down? If not - hard part - you need to think about you and your wedding. What do you want out of the day? What memories do you want to look back on? Figure out what is absolutely vital to you, and stand your ground on those points only .
Sadly, as your parents are paying for the wedding, and have made most of the decisions already, it's really too late to try and re-arrange things, without having some major, long-lasting consequences. Are you prepared for those?

 

[thirty]

There are always something that can never be worked out no matter what you do, especially when it's because of culture differences.
Be tough, make decisions by yourselves.

 

[Starbuck69]

I'm getting married in November. Fortunately our parents are paying for the wedding, however because of this they are pretty much getting what they want while leaving my fiancee and I with huge amounts of stress. Our parents are not getting along at all. We are from different cultures and one cannot understand the other. To top that off, my mom can get quite upset when she doesn't get her way, and in turn makes me crazy and stressed because she constantly is in a bad mood and telling me about it. There is no ommunication between our parents, and they expect us to shuttle information back and forth (my mom tells me something, I tell my fiancee, fiancee tells his parents, and back around again). I found out today that my mom lied to me by telling me that she did something, but did not.

How do I deal with this situation? What should I do, and how do I effectively tell her that I know she lied to me and I am going to take care of it myself and do it no matter what?

I think you and your fiancee have forgotten the most important thing, and that is "IT YOUR WEDDING" not your mothers and not his parents, so even if they are paying for it it needs to be what the two of you want, and that is what needs to be told to them, and yes you and your fiancee will need to set down and talk to them about this and make sure that the two of you are on the same page on what the two of you want and what the two of you dont really care about during the wedding.

When the two of you talk to them and tell them that it is going to be your way or the highway, they will say to bad for the two of you because they are paying for it, so the two of you must MUST stick with it and tell them that it is ok that the two of you will have a smaller wedding and that the two of you will pay for it then and that because it will not be what they want then they do not need to be there, because what they are doing now is driving the two of you crazy.

The two of you will also need to tell them that they can give the two of you advice but then let the two of you will deside on what to do and that they will need to respect it if they are wanting to stay as a close family.

They will be hurt for awhile but they will get over it and Im sure that they would still be paying for the wedding, they are your parents and In-Laws and they do love the two of you.

I know it will be very hard for the two of you, because I already had to do it, except I waited about 1 year after I was married before I grew a backbone and told my mother that if she didn't like what my wife and I was doing then she could just not come by or call any more and I also told my mother that I loved her but that I would always stand up for my wife and that I would also take her side over my mothers when it came to our family.

 

[5pintshefound]

hunnie.. seriously... elope.... i had similar shit @ my wedding... {it was more a "class" thing--- his parents expected everything all proper {his father is a ret lt col in the us army--my dad works @ a factory making refers} and me, my then-fiancee, and my family, pretyt much just watned to have a nice fairly casual atomosphere'd wedding. {wedding/reception in teh same building--- catered by my family} to this day, i wish i had eloped.... my inlaws spent more on the rehersal dinner {@ the biggest hotel in town} than my parents did on the rest of the wedding. it was CRAZY. absolutely CRAZY.

if you dont feel that you can elope?? then take the reins..... thsi is ur day, and u should have happy memories from this....

good luck!

~5PHF

 

[Starbuck69]

If you think you want a professional advice then check out,
http://drphil.com/articles/article/139/

It basically is telling you the same thing that the rest of us have been saying, its your wedding not theirs so dont let them be controlling what happends.

 

[Ezzy]

I would go the elopement route, but with a twist.

Ask both sets of parents, "If you want to see us married, and happy then please go with our plans". If you would prefer that we get married without your help and participation, please let us know you can't work with us!"

Do it at a formal meal with both sets of parents, make it something you and your fiancé feel ok about saying; but if you don't get the co-operation from both parental sets, then buy your tickets to Vegas, book a hotel, invite everyone to be at your wedding in Vegas on __ / __ / __ and go through with it.

If you allow things to go on the way they are heading now, there is a great chance for future strife and family suffering (three families at least), yours (your marriage), your mom, your fiancés folks, if this runs through to the wedding you are starting off on a slippery slope and although it may be ok between you and your fiancé now, there is the potential to have it pop up in two or five or ten years as a source of controversy.

As has often been said in here and lots of other places, this is a question (or rather an answer), about communication, communication, communication!

Good luck with your marriage!

 

[gargouille]

Fire your parents.

I've been married once. I'll be honest and tell you, we got divorced almost three years ago, for reasons not relevant here. We're still friends.

But anyway, about a month before the wedding the parents were making us both crazy. My bride was middle eastern and her parents wanted it one way. I was at the time, nominally Christian, and they wanted it another. My bride cried more than Demi Moore in "Ghost." I had chest pains and stomach upset. At the time, our parents were paying for everything and were making insane demands. Our wedding became a power struggle, with each set of parents trying to do it their way, battling over every detail, fuming over each loss and gloating over each "point" scored. My bride and I looked at our finances and found that we may need to do some last minute scaling back if they bailed, but we could work it out, even if it meant maxing out the credit cards and canceling the honeymoon for now.

We sat them down together and told them "From here on out you're fired. You have no input whatsoever. Your job is to be at the Rose Garden 1 hour before the guests arrive for pictures. If you don't like tough; someone has to be the grown ups here and it ain't you four." We gave them the ultimatum at lunch at a fancy pants restaurant downtown. They were all so big on keeping up appearances that no-one made a scene that way.

My parents bailed on the reception. My bride called then and there in front of them and told the caterer to go with plan B. (Plan B was a scaled down and still elegant dinner. The reception was at the hotel I worked at, so we had no deposit to pay. We just had to settle up the bill that night.) Her parents bailed on the ceremony. She handed them 400 dollars cash right then and there and told them that as soon as we left after this discussion we would go to ther ROse Garden and give them a check for the deposit. When both parents told us the ceremony HAD to be done THEIR way in order to please scads of relatives on both sides, they were told to send all the complaints to us as it wasn't their responsibility any more.

It was very hard to do, and it was expensive, because like, you, we almost left it too late. But if you have the resources, fire the parents and do it your way. It's your wedding, not theirs.

 

[gargouille]

Oh and once you tell them that their job is solely to show up on the appointed day, they'll probably threaten not to show up. Tell them sincerely and sweetly that you'll miss them and hope they change their mind. My parents were the ones who tried it. Guess what, they came. The minister who married us told us he's heard that particular blackmail line a couple of hundred times since he started marrying people in 1974. In his twenmty years of marrying people between then and our wedding, guess how many times the parents didn't show up.

Twice.

If they love you enough to fight this much over cosmetic details, they'll be there for the day.

 

[Eilan]

I kept it simple and affordable. That afternoon when the wedding was over and the family was eating, my new bride and I waved goodbye and 24-hours later we were as happy as those couples who had $20,000 weddings.

Amen to that. I think a lot of couples forget that there's a lot more to marriage than planning a wedding.

 

[BurntFlowers]

I couldn't agree more with the mention of paying for it yourself...

This is a situation that sucks, big time. There are a lot of people involved, a lot of people with the risk of getting hurt. But this day is not about all the people around you. Well, partially maybe, but the main reason you are planning this day is because you and your fiance.

Odd as it may seem, this is your dream, as well as your parent's dream. I declined the offer of payment because of situations like this. My mum's a gem, but probably more stubborn than I am. My in laws are great, but they also have their own opinion on things and it isn't always the same as ours.

Instead, we let them pay for stuff like the gown, the suit. No fortunes spend, but still enough to keep both parties happy. And it worked, for us.

If I were in your shoes, I would maybe go for a friendly confrontation. Tell them what's on you heart, but if you feel all of that has failed already, I hope you still manage to make it your own wonderful day...

Good luck!!

 

[SweetErika]

I'm jewish, so traditionally at religious weddings there is only jewish music. My fiancee is not religious, and he and I have many friends that are not religious and some who are not jewish at all. We have an amazing band, and when my mom booked them nd drew up a contract I specifically told her to make sure they play regular music. She said she did. I forgot about this for a while, and now when it is so close to the date I asked her if the band needs a list of songs I would like them to play. She got really defensive and combative and said of course not, they are professionals and can play everything. I was not so sure about this and asked for the band's number so I could call them. She asked me why I was calling them, and I told her I was unclear of how it works, and wanted to know if they get a seperate guy to sing the regular songs, if they sing at all, is it a DJ, etc.? Again she got even more combative and told me I was being rediculous, no other person does this, and that the band leader will get annoyed if there are too many questions.

Thinking that this was rediculous and not caring whether he gets annoyed or not, I called him and asked him about regular music. He looked t the contract and asked me if I spoke to my mom about this. I said yes, and he told me that there was nothing on the contract indicting this, but he would be more than happy to play for me, and it would be pretty easy to do, but I must speak with my mom first before I book it to avoid a fight at the wedding.

I am really pissed that she lied to me, and do not know how to handle this without getting her upset, defensive, and lying again. I have a feeling that she will either say that she did tell the band about it and it was their mistake, or she will turn it around on me and say that "no other mother has to go through this", or "this is difficult enough for me already (I am marrying a non-religious jew, but I was raised religious), and I am swallowing so much already even letting this wedding happen, so I am going to have a nice religious wedding", or anything else to that extent which makes me feel cornered.

Any advice?

Tell your mom you spoke to the band about the playlist, and say something like:

"There must have been some mistunderstanding because the contract only specifies Jewish music. Perhaps the bandleader didn't quite understand there'd be both because you two talked a lot about Jewish music? [Give her an out/way to save face, but don't pause here so she can make excuses - it's a rhetorical question] Well, at any rate, I just wanted to let you know I've added regular music to the contract.

The bandleader wanted me to clarify this with you because sometimes people harass the band and make a big scene at the wedding over simple misunderstandings like this. I know you'd never do that, but promised him I'd let you know, and I like following through on my promises."

Be firm and matter-of-fact. If she has any real argument with that, remind her YOU'RE the bride, and it's YOUR special day. That specialness includes regular music that the non-religious participants and guests will enjoy. In addition, you can remind her that this is causing you a lot of stress, and you fear that may open you up to illness on your big day. If she continues or plays martyr here with something like, "You have no idea how stressed out I am, Bustier!" then you can suggest you remove some of the responsibility to reduce her stress, and/or elope.

Basically, think of her possible responses and an answer that is likely to shut down each of them.

 

[bustier]

Tell your mom you spoke to the band about the playlist, and say something like:

"There must have been some mistunderstanding because the contract only specifies Jewish music. Perhaps the bandleader didn't quite understand there'd be both because you two talked a lot about Jewish music? [Give her an out/way to save face, but don't pause here so she can make excuses - it's a rhetorical question] Well, at any rate, I just wanted to let you know I've added regular music to the contract.

The bandleader wanted me to clarify this with you because sometimes people harass the band and make a big scene at the wedding over simple misunderstandings like this. I know you'd never do that, but promised him I'd let you know, and I like following through on my promises."

Be firm and matter-of-fact. If she has any real argument with that, remind her YOU'RE the bride, and it's YOUR special day. That specialness includes regular music that the non-religious participants and guests will enjoy. In addition, you can remind her that this is causing you a lot of stress, and you fear that may open you up to illness on your big day. If she continues or plays martyr here with something like, "You have no idea how stressed out I am, Bustier!" then you can suggest you remove some of the responsibility to reduce her stress, and/or elope.

Basically, think of her possible responses and an answer that is likely to shut down each of them.

Really good advice. I think I might try that, no matter how much she may yell at me for even calling them in the first place.
I often feel cornered in conversations with her, because she does play martyr and I am caught of guard not knowing what to say. I have been trying to prepare for this conversation so none of this will happen, but am worried I can't nicipate what she will say.

I will keep you posted on what went down.

 

[drtywhr]

I am really pissed that she lied to me, and do not know how to handle this without getting her upset, defensive, and lying again.

It sounds like you really get tongue tied by Mom, she always has three rationalizations for everything you say.(my Dad does the same thing) While it is a great idea to sit down and figure out exactly what to say and how she might react, if you've never successfully confronted her added to the stress you've already got you may just find it turning into a screaming match before you can even begin a calm talk.

You may want to 'state your case' so to speak in writing first and ask her to meet you afterward. You can get out what you need to without interruption, and she can get out any feelings (hopefully) before hand so you can get right down to fixing it.

You sound like you do actually want a traditional wedding over eloping, so I hope you find a solution.
Anyway it goes for you, best of luck! A rose for the bride.