help me

[paganangel]

ok, i admit it. i'm wallowing in self pity.

i hate being this way.

i think i'm falling. i want to die. i'm off the wagon.

i don't want sympathy...lord knows i never give it. i want a good kick in the ass...or a gunshot to the head.
i can't take this. i hate being alone and crying. i'll be fine. i know that. i just hate this happening again. i feel like i'm failing.

maybe what i really need is to be ignored, and yet i totally admit i'm crying out for attention like a little baby...

and i want it.
i want to be held.

and i might be. and that is the very thing making me want to die.













[disclaimer: just in case anyone thinkds this is some kind of suicide threat, it's not. that would be selfish, childish, and cruel to anyone who might take it seriously, not to mention annoying and boring to those who wouldn't...i have no plan to end my life...i'm just hoping for a stray bullet!]

 

[scylis]

*shoots paganangel in the ass*

something like that do?

 

[juicylips]

Hey, I'm on the phone with SummerRose. Her phone will be open in a couple minutes.

Call her if you want to talk.

JL

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Don't want no pitty ha!

Well get your act together honey cause there ARE a heap of people out there who love you and want to see you happy.

Now go get some sleep and wake up with a new attitude....

I know you can do it....

 

[Debbie]

Can you call a friend right now to come and stay with you for
a little while. Someone you can talk to?

Are you drinking now?
Can you tip it down the sink, what's left and get a coffee instead or a coca cola or something?

Keep posting, we care.

 

[paganangel]

scylis, thankyou.

jl, i don't know if i'm gonna hassel her with a middle of the night call, though i know she's cool enough not to mind.

th...i have an errand to run and in a few hours i'm gonna try and take your advice...i just showered and that alone helped a little.

thanx deb. i'm done drinking for the night. i'ts just wierd. one night of drinking and already i'm fiending to wake up tomorrow and start again with money i don't have. i wont though. i just wont.

 

[Summery]

Call Me! I am wide awake...
If you need me, you know I don't mind at all.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

th...i have an errand to run and in a few hours i'm gonna try and take your advice...i just showered and that alone helped a little.

That's it, wash it off and move on with life. We all have shit times, but I bet my shit can get more shitty than yours and another person EVEN more shitty.

You are capable of doing life good and loving at the same time....

 

[Debbie]

thanx deb. i'm done drinking for the night. i'ts just wierd. one night of drinking and already i'm fiending to wake up tomorrow and start again with money i don't have. i wont though. i just wont.

Don't give up, you fell off the wagon, I hope that you can
get back on it and put this behind you.
You have guts, (courage and balls. ) I know
you can do it.
Take care.

 

[paganangel]

You are capable of doing life good and loving at the same time....

that's what i'm afraid of.

 

[Debbie]

that's what i'm afraid of.

We are all afraid at some time of something,
it's what you do with that fear that matters.
Face it head on and take a risk or give into
the fear and allow yourself to experience
nothing, not to feel or take a chance.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Life is a bitch but it's a great ride.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

that's what i'm afraid of.

Like Debbie said, get those balls working, we all have some extra tucked away for the tough bits. Pull them out and give them a good massage. You casn do it.

 

[Gus Aspar]

Count your blessings

PaganAngel, the expression "count your blessings" derives from an ancient spiritual exercise, which I am sure would help you. Last thing at night, before you go to sleep, think back about the day, and bring to mind all the good things that have happened.
Nothing? No, OK, I realise this may be a tall order, when you're in a bad state, but I'll bet there will be SOMETHING that could be described as good: you saw someone smile (even if it wasn't you they were smiling at!); you had a kind thought about someone; you saw something or someone beautiful... there must be SOMETHING!!!
Just hold that "good thing" or those "good things" in mind for a few moments. Then you will sleep peacefully and awake refreshed. The more often you practise this, the more blessings you will be able to count. (Even if you don't get beyond one or two the first few nights.)
Good luck!

 

[lilminx]

And you couldn't fucking call my WHY?! You know I'm always here for you.

 

[paganangel]

quick thankyou.

i already pmmed a few of you, but if i cry publicly i should be grateful publicly.

i also wanted to apologize. i did want the support i got but although i tried to avoid it, i think some people were unecessarilly worried.

i'm ok, and thanx again.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Re: quick thankyou.

i'm ok, and thanx again.

 

[Blues]

One day at time..........


"Life By The Drop"

Hello there, my old friend
Not so long ago it was til the end
We played outside in the pouring rain
On our way up the road we started over again

You're livin our dream oh you on top
my mind is achin,' Lord it won't stop
That's how it happens livin life by the drop

Up and down the road in our worn down shoes
Talkin about good things and singin the blues
you went your way and I stayed behind
We both knew it was just a matter of time

You're livin our dream oh you on top
my mind is achin,' Lord it won't stop
That's how it happens livin life by the drop

No wasted time, we're alive today
Churnin up the past, there's no easier way
Time's been between us, a means to an end
God it's good to be here walkin together my friend

We're livin our dreams
my mind's stopped achin,'
That's how it happened livin life by the drop
That's how it happened livin life by the drop
That's how it happened livin life by the drop

 

[driver775]

?

Those lyrics by Stevie Ray Vaughn said it best. A most excellent quote. He kicked booze and other drugs and got totallyclean and he was really messed up. I miss his music.
Paganangel we dont know each other, but you are in my prayers. Good luck and baby you gotta get tough grit your teeth and be tough. Grrrr

 

[Persephone36]

Hey pa,

You can always come and talk to me too. I happen to be an excellent armchair psychologist (really, lol, I'm going to study counseling fairly soon) and just a damned good listener.

Besides, my best friend has been on and off the wagon for a while -- and I've gone through a deep depression for a long, long time and come out the other side. I *know* what the depths of despair are like and all the ins and out of self-hatred.

Self-hate is a clever cunning little beast. It just takes the balls and courage to find complete unconditional *self* acceptance to give one freedom and end suffering.

If that sound candy ass -- then you'll never find freedom. You have to open yourself up to a different persepective. And drinking, depression -- they're all addictions to self-hate. Plain and simple. It's *easy* to fall in love with self-hate. But then that dooms you to endless pain. You can deny it when you feel more together -- but you have to face those demons.

And honestly, the only way to face these things and approach yourself is with loving kindness. But *you* just have to decide if you're ready to go there yet.

Believe me -- I know of whence I speak. I'm a genuine survivor.

(Lol, bet you didn't think I'd have so much knowledge on the subject.)

I'll PM you later on.

 

[angelika]

P A

Recovery is a process. Slipping is sometimes a part of that.

I want to be supportive but I don't want to enable.
Tell me what I can do for you.


You're worth it but YOU have to want it and no one can do that for you.

 

[phrodeau]

PA, if you've gotten that bad, you are ill.

Call a doctor. Get to a treatment center. Find the cure.

 

[paganangel]

Re: ?

Those lyrics by Stevie Ray Vaughn said it best. A most excellent quote. He kicked booze and other drugs and got totallyclean and he was really messed up. I miss his music.
Paganangel we dont know each other, but you are in my prayers. Good luck and baby you gotta get tough grit your teeth and be tough. Grrrr

then he died in a helicopter crash

 

[paganangel]

recovery is just a space beteen highs

look guys...i think i mayhave overstated the problem. i'm ok. idd slip, but i don't have the conventional view of alcohol treatment. while i do feel that right now the best way to handle my "problem" is to not drink at all, i'm not gonna kill myself over a one night slip. there is a whole self hate thing i have to work on, but i have bigger fish to fryright now. and once i fry them, i'll beone step closer to managing the problem.

 

[Meltzer]

one day at a time, my friend

well i've been there. well not actually where your at but somewhere round there. My whole family is filled with recovering and active drinkers. My father first and foremost. he was the first to get help. I've spent nights with him, just like the one you're havin now and i was only a 13 old boy at the time and had no idea what to tell my father except that i loved him. i think that helped him. so even though i have no idea who you are , and speaking from a strictly pletonic sense
i love you, and good luck

 

[ScarlettRose]

Re: quick thankyou.

i already pmmed a few of you, but if i cry publicly i should be grateful publicly.

i also wanted to apologize. i did want the support i got but although i tried to avoid it, i think some people were unecessarilly worried.

i'm ok, and thanx again.

doesn't hurt any of to worry about someone besides ourselves a while. *hugs* if you'll take one from a virtual stranger. Hope life gets smoother for you.