Help me figure out if I should be here

[NightMuse]

The point of this thread is to me find who I am and what the hell I should be doing. Bare with me, ill be all over the place, feel free to comment on any part. Small disclaimer: despite some things I may say that lead someone to believe that I'm a "wannabe" dom, I don't feel I am. I'm just explaining the best way I can about how I feel.

First, I love the idea of power exchange. The thought of having control over someone else turns me on. The thought of someone whose purpose is to serve me and worship me is a turn on. I also enjoy inflicting pain, probably not as much as the control aspect but its there. I also enjoy the bondage parts. So I know I enjoy the lifestyle in theory but in practice its a different story.

My doubts and issues arise when it comes to talking/playing with subs/people who claim to be submissive. I've been told on more than one occasion that I'm not a Dom due to the fact that I don't try to dominate someone 24/7. My views on this is that I shouldn't have to/be expected to dominate someone if we aren't in some form of relationship or dynamic, nor should I feel I have to always have the dom switch in the on position. I have also tried to open up and talked to a former gf and sub friend about a difficult time in my life and was met with ridicule and her informing I wasn't a real dominant. Aren't Doms people too? They have thoughts and emotions as well right? I read an article by a Domme that justified how I feel, but is it correct? Am I just meeting lousy/wannabe subs? Is it me? Is it them?


I tend to meet subs who seem interested but don't follow through. Most recently was with someone new to the lifestyle. We met for the sake of meeting and other than talking, we haven't done anything. We planned on several occaisions, but typically something comes up on her end or she ignores my attempts to contact her until after the date of the play date has passed. This exact same thing happened with another sub. I don't think its me, but what the hell do I know. Its like dating someone and breaking up with them only to have them blame you for the failure of then relationship when it was their shortcomings that ended it. If this makes sense to you, you should see where the doubts come from.

Currently I'm in a relationship with a girl I like a lot. She's willing to try a lot of things and we've done a few things. I want to go farther and deepe into the lifestyle and she says will let me but may laugh at some things done. This hurt a little. Mainly because it makes me feel she isn't as serious about it as I am. I've told her if that's the case, then I'm not interested, but she assures me she is but finds somethings silly. She says wants to learn so I have her my copy of sm101 and all I hear from her is 'you don't expect me to do that, do you?' Which leads me to believe she's either not into it and doing it to impress me, or my expectations on things are wrong.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You'll find we have little patience here for discussions on what constitutes a 'real dominant' or a 'real submissive' for that matter. Plenty of people leave their kinks in the bedroom and operate as equal partners outside it. BDSM covers a whole buffet of kinkplay, you take what you like and you leave the rest. Just as every vanilla relationship operates with its own unique ground rules, so every power-exchange dynamic does the same.

By the same token, your girlfriend will find some kinks hot and others will leave her cold. It sounds like she feels awkward and self conscious but that's common in new relationships and especially when it comes to sexual experimentation. That she wants to try out your ideas and please you is great. Handing her SM101 might not have been the best idea. You don't have to throw her in the deep end here or dive off into it yourself. You have nothing to prove to her or anyone else about your dominant sexuality. Only you two can figure out how much of an influence your kinks will have over your sex life. Outside of that, it doesn't matter if nobody else on planet Earth considers you a 'true dominant.'

Take things gently. Nervousness on your GFs part is going to lead to the occasional ill-timed giggle or less than smoking hot session. As long as you're learning and growing together and no huge sexual incompatibility is discovered, it really doesn't matter. We've all been awkward newbies. Everyone has to start somewhere and you're actually fortunate that she wants to experiment with you as plenty of guys come here to lament after their girl flat refuses anything remotely kinky.

Best of luck with this.

ETA: Have a look around the BDSM Library, there's great info there.

 

[Ladythunder]

As I am sure you will be told repeatedly in short order around here, if you identify as a dominant, that's what you are, and you are as dominant as you think you are. If your dominance involves wearing frilly pink panties while recieving a world class blowjob, doesn't matter. Here, we don't like to slap people with labels they havent given themselves through word or deed.

Welcome to lit.

As in any relationship, there are those out there that for whatever reason break dates, stand people up, or jump in with both feet before they know just what they are doing. When they figure it out they panic and run.

Are you sitting down with prospective partners to discuss your desires? Remember they are not mind readers, and also that your prospective partner may not appreciate being told you want to experiment with breath/blood play on the first date. (not saying you would or do that, however, we all know that to assume makes an ass of u and me.)

your current relationship, if she is curious and willing to try, you already have a leg up. Many folks moan and whine that their partner won't have anything to do with it. Perhaps you need to go SLOW. Sometimes slower than you might like, but let her adjust to the idea. Sometimes laughter in the bedroom can be fun. Now is a time for exploration, why not have some fun while you're at it?

Or you could dump the girl and take out a personals and end up with someone you only like in the bedroom and that seriously won't work either. Just sayin...

 

[JMohegan]

Currently I'm in a relationship with a girl I like a lot. She's willing to try a lot of things and we've done a few things. I want to go farther and deepe into the lifestyle and she says will let me but may laugh at some things done. This hurt a little. Mainly because it makes me feel she isn't as serious about it as I am. I've told her if that's the case, then I'm not interested, but she assures me she is but finds somethings silly. She says wants to learn so I have her my copy of sm101 and all I hear from her is 'you don't expect me to do that, do you?' Which leads me to believe she's either not into it and doing it to impress me, or my expectations on things are wrong.

There's a lot about "the lifestyle" that really is silly. The language. The titles. The pretentious customs. The big, ugly collars covering lovely, vulnerable necks. Can't say I blame her for having that reaction..... unless she is laughing at the basic concept of you being in charge. In which case, I'd ask if she was laughing out of nervousness or derisiveness, and if the latter then yeah, you've got a big problem.

What is it that you want to accomplish by going "farther and deeper into the lifestyle?" Without using any BDSM terminology whatsoever, can you explain to me what it is that you want from your partner - both outside and inside the bedroom? Can you explain what you want to provide in return?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

What is it that you want to accomplish by going "farther and deeper into the lifestyle?" Without using any BDSM terminology whatsoever, can you explain to me what it is that you want from your partner - both outside and inside the bedroom? Can you explain what you want to provide in return?

This is a very good question.

For the record, nobody is going to tell you that you should not be here. There are plenty of couples like you and your gf and if you stick around I'm sure you'll make a few acquaintances.

 

[Primalex]

My doubts and issues arise when it comes to talking/playing with subs/people who claim to be submissive. I've been told on more than one occasion that I'm not a Dom due to the fact that I don't try to dominate someone 24/7. My views on this is that I shouldn't have to/be expected to dominate someone if we aren't in some form of relationship or dynamic, nor should I feel I have to always have the dom switch in the on position. I have also tried to open up and talked to a former gf and sub friend about a difficult time in my life and was met with ridicule and her informing I wasn't a real dominant. Aren't Doms people too? They have thoughts and emotions as well right? I read an article by a Domme that justified how I feel, but is it correct? Am I just meeting lousy/wannabe subs? Is it me? Is it them?

I believe dominance is part of a being that can't be turned on and off at will. This doesn't mean though that you have to wield a whip 24/7. So the question is whether the complaint is that you are not 24/7 playing or that you look like a whiner too often.

Currently I'm in a relationship with a girl I like a lot. She's willing to try a lot of things and we've done a few things. I want to go farther and deepe into the lifestyle and she says will let me but may laugh at some things done. This hurt a little. Mainly because it makes me feel she isn't as serious about it as I am. I've told her if that's the case, then I'm not interested, but she assures me she is but finds somethings silly. She says wants to learn so I have her my copy of sm101 and all I hear from her is 'you don't expect me to do that, do you?' Which leads me to believe she's either not into it and doing it to impress me, or my expectations on things are wrong.

So, you want the right to not be constantly dominant, to be a normal person with feelings and emotions - but deny her the right to be the same? If you blame her that she isn't serious enough about her submissive side, then you shouldn't be surprised when others blame you that you are not serious enough about your dominant side.

 

[Keroin]

Currently I'm in a relationship with a girl I like a lot. She's willing to try a lot of things and we've done a few things. I want to go farther and deepe into the lifestyle and she says will let me but may laugh at some things done. This hurt a little. Mainly because it makes me feel she isn't as serious about it as I am. I've told her if that's the case, then I'm not interested, but she assures me she is but finds somethings silly. She says wants to learn so I have her my copy of sm101 and all I hear from her is 'you don't expect me to do that, do you?' Which leads me to believe she's either not into it and doing it to impress me, or my expectations on things are wrong.

When I look back on the things my PYL once suggested or referred to that I responded to with, "You're kidding me, right?", things that I now love, crave and beg for, well, I have to laugh. I'm sure many others on this board would tell you the same.

Go slow. Go ridiculously slow. Build trust. Experiment and don't be afraid to fail. Make it about discovering your partner and all the subtle nuances that make her tick. This is where the magic originates. Going deeper will happen naturally as barriers are safely passed.

If you're not being taken seriously as a dom, it may be because you're not taking yourself seriously on some level. People can read that. You don't have to be a dom 24/7. My PYL never hesitates to be vulnerable in front of me when he's just being "him" and I think no less of him for it. However, when he feels the urge to control me, there's no question of his confidence and his belief in his right and need to do so.

Do you feel intimidated by your gf? This is kind of the sense I'm getting from your post.

 

[Etoile]

You are who you are. Ignore what other people tell you.

 

[MisterSir]

My doubts and issues arise when it comes to talking/playing with subs/people who claim to be submissive. I've been told on more than one occasion that I'm not a Dom due to the fact that I don't try to dominate someone 24/7. My views on this is that I shouldn't have to/be expected to dominate someone if we aren't in some form of relationship or dynamic, nor should I feel I have to always have the dom switch in the on position. I have also tried to open up and talked to a former gf and sub friend about a difficult time in my life and was met with ridicule and her informing I wasn't a real dominant. Aren't Doms people too? They have thoughts and emotions as well right? I read an article by a Domme that justified how I feel, but is it correct? Am I just meeting lousy/wannabe subs? Is it me? Is it them?

There's no such thing as a real dominant, your ex-girlfriend sounds like a bitch and anybody trying to be some big bad Master type 24/7 would end up going crazy.

I think that's everything. If you're happy with the way you are, more power to you.

 

[Primalex]

There's no such thing as a real dominant,

Is there a fake dominant?

 

[__little_one]

What is it that you want to accomplish by going "farther and deeper into the lifestyle?" Without using any BDSM terminology whatsoever, can you explain to me what it is that you want from your partner - both outside and inside the bedroom? Can you explain what you want to provide in return?

lol if I could answer all of those questions to their fullest I'd have found my Master Perfect Fit already- I'm a relative noob too, and each wonderful or awful experience subtly alters my understanding and perspective on my own needs and desires. What I thought I was after when I started looking turned out to be balloney!

What I have learned is that just like any other kind of sexual relationship you have to kiss an awful lot of frogs before before you hit on royalty .

Maybe this is the girl for you, maybe not. If she just doesn't have the right kind of subbie itch then even if she agrees to do exactly what you want you won't get much out of it. Don't forget either that you may not be the right kind of Dom for her.

If you want to know in what direction her BDSM tastes might lie, my advice would be to get hold of a load of Black Lace books for her, if they're available in your country. They publish written porn for girls by girls, mostly with a mix of BDSM themes. Amazon usually has a load, so do a lot of mainstream bookshops, and try to pick from a variety of different sub-genres, themes and authors.

 

[nh23]

Do you wanna be here? If so you belong..because I said so. Welcome to Lit.

 

[C Stephen]

You are who you are. Ignore what other people tell you.

I think be yourself is awsome advice. I consider myself to be "real"I have found that there are times when I am stern and controling but just as many when I am caring and compassionate. I think that as long as things work for both partners and you are both relaxed and happy you are on the right track.

 

[subish2009]

I would agree with the previous posters: if you say you're a Dom, then you are. It doesn't seem to me like someone else should question that for you just because you're not the kind of Dom they think you should be, or because they just don't get it.

That being said, I would also agree with the previous posters who've suggested that you may just have to take things much slower than you'd like to with this girl, if you think she's worth it. It sounds like you've been with some not-so-nice women in the past, but that happens in and out of power exchange relationships.

My husband and I started off way too far in the deep end with our D/s relationship. It was disappointing for both of us. Then we backed off to almost vanilla and tried again over years, with a lot of talking, giving a lot of feedback to each other, exploring wider elements of BDSM than we thought we were into. And we ended up much more fulfilled and in a very different area of BDSM than we though we would. Good luck.