Help, Im pissed off with a friend

[SensualCealy]

Hi Everyone,

I need some advice. A girlfriend of mine is in a rough relationship. Her common law was in trouble and ended up in jail. She became his surity and he was released to her. She had to make sure he stood by all the conditions to be out of jail. He did, she did, now the court case is over, he was dropped of all charges except one harrasment charge. Now there is an appeal for that charge from the common laws lawyer.

During this time (about a year and a half) my friend has done everything for this man. I know she is hard to deal with at times, she is bi polar and gets very depressed. I have got many calls of her taking sleeping pills with a bottle of alcohol etc. The call for help/ sympathy never turns into anything but a day of sleep and a hang over for her. She lives a couple hours away so its not like I can go to her rescue. I know thats what she wants when she calls.

Now this guy she is with is just as much screwed up as she is. He has issues that are hard to understand and Im not getting into them.

He has her totally convinced she is the cause of all the couple problems they are having, even after he came home after a month and a half away. His father took sick and ended up passing away this last month. He came home from out west and told her after the hearing that he is moving out west into his dads home!
Now after alot of fighting and a trip for her to the drs because of a mental break down, he says he is only going for a month!

Now that you know a bit about whats going on, my question is, do I keep trying to get her to understand she HAS to get out of this relationship and get on her own with her kids. Or do I let her decide it for herself and in the end stay with him in this weird codependent relationship?

I told her this morning she needs to get out when he is out west, pack her stuff, talk to the housing ( governement funded) find a place and move! I told her she needs to quit depending on a man and get healthy for those kids that still need her. Im I wrong?

HELP! Cealy

 

[Recidiva]

I know you can give people the best advice in the world, but you can't compel them to take it.

She's where she is and perhaps can't see through your eyes.

The best you can do is be yourself, speak from your heart, and do your best to guide her. It is, though, her life, and she has the right to do what she wants with it. It's difficult to love self-destructive people, but the fact is that although you can't straighten her out, perhaps you being there makes her less twisted. Sometimes that's the best you can do.

 

[cloudy]

I know you can give people the best advice in the world, but you can't compel them to take it.

She's where she is and perhaps can't see through your eyes.

The best you can do is be yourself, speak from your heart, and do your best to guide her. It is, though, her life, and she has the right to do what she wants with it. It's difficult to love self-destructive people, but the fact is that although you can't straighten her out, perhaps you being there makes her less twisted. Sometimes that's the best you can do.

What diva said.

Of course she needs to get out of the relationship, but she may be terrified of being alone (some women are), and believe that he's the best she can do.

It's hard to stand by and watch someone go through that kind of thing, but ultimately, she's the only one that can change it. She's lucky she has you.

 

[lil_elvis]

Cealy,

As you know, I'm all too familiar with a similar situation. I would have to echo 'diva's thoughts. I agree with you that she needs to get out of the relationship as he just seems to be another manipulative bastard (for whatever reason, his own mental problems or 'issues', but he abuses her mentally, at the very least, but needs her to bail his ass out of trouble too).

You can give all the advice in the world, but that won't mean she'll accept it - no matter how much it breaks your heart.

 

[rgraham666]

Nothing to add, Cealy. Just some *HUGS* Those always help.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

I'll add to Diva's note that you can't compel them to act nor can you make their problems your own. We can love our freinds, but we cannot live thier lives for them nor can we judge their actions, based on our perceptions.

A friend in an abusive relationship is very hard on you, the freind. At some point you will have to insulate yourself from it or you end up living vicariously in that relationship as a silent observer. You can be there, you can listen and, when she is ready to help herself, you can give full support, but until she is ready, no support will help. That is a step she has to mentally take on her own. Once she has made it in her own head, you can give great support with the logistics of making the step reality.

Until she takes that step though, you are basically helpless. Guard against internalizing her problems. I've been where you are and I can tell you from experience you can get too close, too involved and you suffer as much as the principals. No amount of good will or good advice will make her take that first step. Until she does, your options are severelylimited and that's a helpless feeling that can drag you down too.

best of luck to both her and you.

 

[MzDeviancy]

Hi Everyone,

I need some advice. A girlfriend of mine is in a rough relationship. Her common law was in trouble and ended up in jail. She became his surity and he was released to her. She had to make sure he stood by all the conditions to be out of jail. He did, she did, now the court case is over, he was dropped of all charges except one harrasment charge. Now there is an appeal for that charge from the common laws lawyer.

During this time (about a year and a half) my friend has done everything for this man. I know she is hard to deal with at times, she is bi polar and gets very depressed. I have got many calls of her taking sleeping pills with a bottle of alcohol etc. The call for help/ sympathy never turns into anything but a day of sleep and a hang over for her. She lives a couple hours away so its not like I can go to her rescue. I know thats what she wants when she calls.

Now this guy she is with is just as much screwed up as she is. He has issues that are hard to understand and Im not getting into them.

He has her totally convinced she is the cause of all the couple problems they are having, even after he came home after a month and a half away. His father took sick and ended up passing away this last month. He came home from out west and told her after the hearing that he is moving out west into his dads home!
Now after alot of fighting and a trip for her to the drs because of a mental break down, he says he is only going for a month!

Now that you know a bit about whats going on, my question is, do I keep trying to get her to understand she HAS to get out of this relationship and get on her own with her kids. Or do I let her decide it for herself and in the end stay with him in this weird codependent relationship?

I told her this morning she needs to get out when he is out west, pack her stuff, talk to the housing ( governement funded) find a place and move! I told her she needs to quit depending on a man and get healthy for those kids that still need her. Im I wrong?

HELP! Cealy

I don't think anyone can give you a definite solution to this problem. But I can tell you I had a friend who was almost exactly like the woman you're describing. Always in some drama with her man, very moody, very dependent on men, and always asking my advice and then turning around and just doing whatever retarded thing she felt like doing anyway. It was an emotional drain on me because she was my best friend, and I cared; I knew she was doing it to herself, but I couldn't stop caring.

One thing to watch is that you don't become an enabler; always victimizing her, always excusing when she does stupid things in her relationships (like returning to a physically abusive/mentally unstable partner) even if they potentially bring harm to her children. It's very difficult to walk the line between compassionate friend and destructive behaviour enabler, but you need to be very aware that most women who are in emotionally abusive relationships have low self-esteem, and one thing that always feels good when you have low self-esteem is garnering attention.

I apologize if I come off sounding cold-hearted, but this kind of thing can become a bottomless well that you keep pouring more and more emotional energy into, and I'd like to see you spare yourself that.