(Help) advices from experienced peoples (new to the bdsm thing)

[Wubdubdub]

I need advices from experienced peoples (im new to the bdsm thing)

Hey, first of all, sorry if this gets a bit personnal, but i really need help and i need to go in details for this.
So basically, ive been with my gf for 2 years already, and ive just opened up to her about what im into. Im a male sub. We are both new to the bdsm thing. The main problem with this is that im extremely shy. Ive read a few things about being a better sub and all, and im trying to communicate with her, but there are a lot of things that i would need someones opinion on. Or just something.
One of the biggest problem is that, we are far away from each other. One from canada, one from usa. Something like 20 hours appart. Ive been wanting to see her since day 1. But even if im more comfortable talking about stuff like this over the internet, i still cant open up. And some would say that i just need to suck it up and just talk, but i just cant. And its really starting to frustrate me a lot, to the point where i just want to give up on everything.
I love her so much, and she changed me a lot, i never though id find someone. But another problem is that, i never trusted anyone before, and even now, after 2 years, i still dont know how to trust her, and this is probably the biggest issue of all. Even after hours of talking about it to her, and her recomforting me, i still cant. Its not that she seems un trustworthy, the problem is that, i am the problem and idk how to overcome all this bullshit.
For the past few days ive been acting sub, and im really into it, i love it so much and it made me so happy when she said that she was ok with that and that she actually was into that stuff too. But that still does not change the fact that im shy. There are some peoples out there that basically does everything under a month, and i just dont get it how they can do that. I just wish i had the strenght to open up. Im like a kid with mittens trying to open up a present thats been ducktaped. I just cant.
Im aware that this is not some kind of emotional support website, and this is a place where you talk about dom/sub and all kind of other stuff. But i want help, i want tips to help me communicate better with my girlfriend. Trust, honesty and great communication is a key thing in a relationship, and i feel like i dont have that.

I would also like to ask a thing or 2 for you doms out there. Im a sub, but im also a cheeky lil bitch, i love her but i also love to "tease" her, like joking around, ive always been like that, but kinda in a very cheeky way. Is that okay if im being a sub, or i should respect her like the princess that she is? Is this something that might cause issues in the long term? Or something that i will just get punished for? I know that everyone is different but i would still like to know what some of you would do if i were your sub.

I also would like to add that, im not interested in having any other dom, im very happy with her but ive got problems i needed your opinion with.
And yeah, i am new to this website, so i want to be sorry if i posted this in the wrong section or broke any rules, it was not my intentions.

I might have forgotten about a few things, if theres something ill post it or edit it tomorrow. Its getting late. (7am and still didnt sleep.)

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

[yummyyum1]

?mmmmmmmm

 

[yummyyum1]

Hi I'm new teach me

 

[Wubdubdub]

Hi I'm new teach me

Sorry if the name of the thread was a bit missleading. I cant teach anything since i dont know anything myself. Sorry.

 

[Primalex]

So basically, ive been with my gf for 2 years already, and ive just opened up to her about what im into.

One of the biggest problem is that, we are far away from each other. One from canada, one from usa. Something like 20 hours appart.

Trust, honesty and great communication is a key thing in a relationship, and i feel like i dont have that.

I don't think it's possible to have a 2-year-long long-distance-relationship without great communication. It would fall apart much, much earlier.

In my opinion you view the situation worse than it is, most likely due to the distance, which is a real problem, maybe the real problem. There are certain things you want to communicate but fail, but these things don't make up the whole relationship.

Is that okay if im being a sub, or i should respect her like the princess that she is? Is this something that might cause issues in the long term?

You can't change the way you are to prevent issues. So far your personality was not a deal-breaker and it's kinda likely that you were cheeky way before your coming out.


My advice is to focus your energy on how to solve the ldr problem, not on how to communicate the fine-grained details of what makes your cock hard.

 

[Wubdubdub]

I don't think it's possible to have a 2-year-long long-distance-relationship without great communication. It would fall apart much, much earlier.

In my opinion you view the situation worse than it is, most likely due to the distance, which is a real problem, maybe the real problem. There are certain things you want to communicate but fail, but these things don't make up the whole relationship.



You can't change the way you are to prevent issues. So far your personality was not a deal-breaker and it's kinda likely that you were cheeky way before your coming out.


My advice is to focus your energy on how to solve the ldr problem, not on how to communicate the fine-grained details of what makes your cock hard.

To be honest its not even about what makes me hard, a relationship should not be based off sex, which is why i didnt even bother talking about that so soon.
I dont feel that the long distance is the real issue tho. But i kinda get what you mean in the same time. But we talk every day, almost 24/7. Im always skyping with her. I just though that someone might have some tips that i could use to stop being shy and all that. And even if the long distance was an issue, i have no idea how i could fix that.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Sorry if the name of the thread was a bit missleading. I cant teach anything since i dont know anything myself. Sorry.

Don't worry about it. That one posts the same thing whatever the thread is about.

I don't think you have to worry too much about being cheeky either, or needing to change anything else about who you are, to fit a role.
If your personal styles hadn't meshed rather well when it comes to things like that, I think you would have found out by now.

 

[Primalex]

And even if the long distance was an issue, i have no idea how i could fix that.

Then come up with an idea, ideally together with her, or your relationship is bound to fail.

Do you really think this can go on the way it is the next 20 years and there is no Canadian guy who might be interesting enough for her? Without a solution to that problem at least on the horizon, no sane person will stay in such a situation for very much longer; unless this "girlfriend" thingie was an exaggeration in the first place.

 

[MeekMe]

But even if im more comfortable talking about stuff like this over the internet, i still cant open up. And some would say that i just need to suck it up and just talk, but i just cant. And its really starting to frustrate me a lot, to the point where i just want to give up on everything.
I love her so much, and she changed me a lot, i never though id find someone. But another problem is that, i never trusted anyone before, and even now, after 2 years, i still cant seem to fully trust her, and this is probably the biggest issue of all. Even after hours of talking about it to her, and her recomforting me, i still cant. Its not that she seems un trustworthy, the problem is that, i am the problem and idk how to overcome all this bullshit.

But i want help, i want tips to help me communicate better with my girlfriend. Trust, honesty and great communication is a key thing in a relationship, and i feel like i dont have that.

Is it a matter of actually speaking? Or can you just not articulate what you need/want to say?

I sometimes have difficulties with communicating. I have something to say, I just can't seem to figure out how to word it. Even if I do figure out how to word it I sometimes try to speak only to feel like my voice is very, very small to nonexistent. Sometimes I don't trust my mouth to say things right, so writing is helpful. I've found it is easier when I can write it down, read it and decipher if that's actually what I want to say before the other person gets the information.

I've been known to write out bullet points so I don't leave out things. I get anxious and forget things or get stuck on only one point. Having a list helps me to organize the thoughts and makes it easier to talk about them.

Practice helps. Take baby steps. Pick one thing you want to talk to her about and give it some thought and practice before you talk with her. Getting through one conversation can make the next easier as you grow more comfortable and have more confidence in how the conversation may go.

 

[SpunThings]

Vulnerability is scary. There is no way to do this without being vulnerable. I wonder if that's what you're looking for, a way to do it without the fear? I don't think that's possible.

She has already responded positively to what you've already told her. Start small. What exactly do you think is going to happen when you open up? Often when I ask myself that, " What do I think is going to happen?" It is very eye opening.

Being vulnerable is scary for most people. A lot of people feel the way you do. Some open up anyways, and some keep it in. You can choose which person you want to be.

Also, I'm guessing you've already shown her your cheeky side. If she didn't dislike it when she didn't know of your sub desires, she's unlikely to dislike it now that she knows. You could always ask her. "Does it bother you when I do things like...?"

I do stuff one could consider cheeky to my husband. I've learned his behaviors that signal he's not in the mood. Otherwise it's fair game. This is not an uncommon dynamic.

 

[Wubdubdub]

Thanks a lot to everyone who replied, ill take a lot of those into consideration.
This helped me a lot already and i guess time will tell what happens next.
Thank you.

 

[Etoile]

Look into "bratty subs" - it's totally a thing.

 

[kinkkey]

My advice on how to deal with shyness quickly and easily in a D/s relationship.

The dom should order the sub to say and do things that make them uncomfortable, starting small and working your way up. Do this frequently, make it a regular part of your play together. The sub should feel compelled to obey in order to please their dom, and gradually learn to overcome their fears with repetition, growing more and more comfortable with things that used to make them cripplingly nervous.

I'll give you some tips to get you started. Since you are in an ldr, do a skype call with video and have her start by making you say dirty things out loud. She types it into the chat, and you have to read it back to her. She could make you say things like "I'm your dirty little slut" or "I want you to spank me" Then she can make you do things for her on camera, pinching your nipples, spanking yourself, getting completely naked and dancing around for her. She could also order you to go out and buy sex toys in person at a store, and show her the receipt as proof that you didn't just order it online.

Overcoming shyness can only be done by gaining confidence in yourself and doing things that you feel too shy to do, and you are in the optimal position for both of those things as a sub. Tell your domme that you need her to help you with this. She can build your self esteem by complimenting you often, by punishing you whenever you show self doubt or insult yourself or you apologize for something you have no business apologizing for (not sure if a Canadian can help you there though ) It's like the whole affirmations thing, where you look at yourself in the mirror and say things like "I am smart, I am good enough" etc. It really does help a lot.

I used to be very shy and self conscious, filled with self doubt and constantly thought negative thoughts about myself. I fixed it by doing something that seemed pretty silly and small at first, but it made a huge difference. Any time I was alone and I did something even remotely impressive, like making a last second catch when something was about to fall, or coming back to check on the microwave with exactly one second left on the clock, I would say, out loud, "Cuz I'm a fuckin ninja!" and punctuate it with a little fist pump in the air