Hello

[asian_sensation]

Hello i am new to this website and for that case, this forum.
i have recently gotten a story approved and would love to hear feedback on it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=135423

It is a fantasy short story involving a woman's obsession with the unknown after a near fatal accident. The unknown of course being a mermaid.

 

[minsue]

Hello and welcome! I'll definitely read your story, although probably not before the weekend. The last sentence of your post was so bizarrely funny that you have definitely piqued my interest.

- Mindy

 

[BlackSnake]

Hello i am new to this website and for that case, this forum.
i have recently gotten a story approved and would love to hear feedback on it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=135423

It is a fantasy short story involving a woman's obsession with the unknown after a near fatal accident. The unknown of course being a mermaid.

Weclome, and have fun

 

[asian_sensation]

Thankyou all. I hope to get more posts out soon, thanks for all your support!

 

[Honey123]

Welcome

You'll meet alot of wonderful fun, interesting, intelligent people on Lit -- I was happily surprised as to all the different minds I encountered....Enjoy and have FUN

 

[asian_sensation]

You'll meet alot of wonderful fun, interesting, intelligent people on Lit

Thanks honey, i have already been blown away by the support and kindness from all the other authors here.

 

[Honey123]

I know -- who'd have guessed???

 

[Calpurnius Erex]

Longtime Literotica reader, slightly less long story poster, and brand new to the boards....so, I thought I would say hello too and welcome some feedback to my stories.

Cal

 

[tiger_smurf]

I'm new here as well, so you can all be my friends, ok? I love this site, and everyone's been real friendly to me since i started posting. Check out my first story if you want, I'll happily welcome feedback.

-ck

 

[Calpurnius Erex]

I'm new here as well, so you can all be my friends, ok? I love this site, and everyone's been real friendly to me since i started posting. Check out my first story if you want, I'll happily welcome feedback.

-ck

Excellent choice of subjects in Kate Winslet, tiger. She's absolutely yummy. Do be sure to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for a coupla panty flashes, and it's a good film to boot.

 

[tiger_smurf]

Indeed, I have seen that film In fact, I wrote a reveiw of it for efilmcritic.com, my other hobby. If you liked my story please be sure to vote for it, ok?
-ck

 

[asian_sensation]

I'm new here as well, so you can all be my friends, ok? I love this site, and everyone's been real friendly to me since i started posting. Check out my first story if you want, I'll happily welcome feedback.

Loved your interview, it had the right amound of humour, yet still kept me mesmerised to the end. i particularly loved the quote

"I'm fine, really. Just a little..." I want to cum on your face. "...anxious."

God that made me laugh. I would love all of us new comers to be friends. Left some feedback. Check out my stories if you want.

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/memberpage.php?uid=332817

 

[asian_sensation]

Longtime Literotica reader, slightly less long story poster, and brand new to the boards....so, I thought I would say hello too and welcome some feedback to my stories.

Read dreams, great story, loved it. Hope to read more soon. i welcome all feedback, and voting.

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/memberpage.php?uid=332817

 

[Hotcappucino]

I applaud you on such an ambitious undertaking. It is a marvelous tale. I think your strengths lie in your rich descriptions, although there are a few sentences which seem a little odd. To me, some of your phrasing seem to indicate that English may not be your native language (and please excuse me if it is).

As good as your story is, however, there are some problems with grammar that are distracting. For instance, there seems to be a consistent problem with run-on sentences, particularly comma splices. That is, there are many examples where two independent sentences are joined together with a comma:

Empty beer cans littered the sand as she trudged up the narrow path that led to the cliff, pieces of disused paper adhered onto the bushes like a fungus as she walked among them avoiding their entangling branches.
should be:
Empty beer cans littered the sand as she trudged up the narrow path that led to the cliff. Pieces of disused paper adhered onto the bushes like a fungus as she walked among them, avoiding their entangling branches.

and
She had no idea how long she was going to stay there, some days she stayed for ten minutes as she watched the sunset retreat behind the waves before leaving to go back to the hellhole which she had dubbed her home.
Should be:
She had no idea how long she was going to stay there. Some days she stayed for ten minutes as she watched the sunset retreat behind the waves before leaving to go back to the hellhole which she had dubbed her home.

Last example:
Tienna looked out along the beach, it had changed a lot; her favourite place.
should be:
Tienna looked out along the beach. It had changed a lot, her favourite place.

This previous example also included an incorrect usage of the semicolon. A semicolon should separate two complete sentences that are related to each other, not incomplete phrases.

In addition to the grammar:

• There were a few awkward phrases.
• The dialog between Tienna & Aria seems a little too unnatural at times. The laughter, "ha ha ha," should be redone or eliminated.
• The paragraphs where you switch to Tienna's point of view (first person) during her flashback were awkward. It could have been just as effective, I believe, staying in the third person.
• A lot of mixed tense.

Finally, I think you should have picked a different name for the mermaid besides Aria. Too similar to Arial of "The Little Mermaid" movie.

I don't wish to give the impression that I didn't like the story. I think, though, that it has so much potential of being a great story that you should think about editing and revising it.

 

[asian_sensation]

I think you should have picked a different name for the mermaid besides Aria. Too similar to Arial of "The Little Mermaid" movie

Thanks for the feedback, yes english is my first language, unfortunately grammar is not one of my strong points . Although not mentioned on this site, the story amour was intended as being a slight parody on the disney classic a little mermaid. The flashbacks from Aria's point of view were meant to be in italics so that the reader could easily know that it were a flashback, unfortunately i already submitted my work before i could reformat it into proper html form...

Thankyou for the feeback though...

 

[tiger_smurf]

Here's a new story I just finished. Feel free to check it out and tell me if you like it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=137740

-ck

 

[bbkradwell]

COOL!

I haven't read it yet but I like the premise! Mermaids have long turned me on-- ever since Disney's "The Little Mermaid" came out and Alyssa Milano did a show about the making of it, on the Disney Channel! I don't know WHY, though... I mean, with that tail and the scales being where the genetalia should be, it would make it rather hard to fuck a mermaid. I think it was the fact that she was soo young and willing to do anything to get legs (and, consequently, a twat)that intrigued me the most. Well, that and the fact that her breasts were bare under her long, flowing, red hair!