Hello

[the_bragis]

I would really appreciate feedback on a story a wrote a while back, as I am now considering doing a follow up to it in a similar style.


The Secret of My Success

Thank you,

Alex(fem).

 

[Octavian]

Feedback as requested

I enjoyed the story. I am already attracted to Dominique because of her wonderful cynical attitude---sex is the answer to all of life's problems. I loved the line 'men are soft when they're hard and hard when they're soft'.

It is well written but it would have benefited from proof reading because there were a number of typos or missing words.

Dominique deserves to go far. ______________________________________________________________________________
“If you can keep your head, whilst all around are losing theirs, you don’t understand how serious the problem really is!”

 

[Eldridge]

Hi Alex,

I'm still new to the whole rigamarole of giving written feedback, so I hope I don't come across as too naggy, or too critical. In the same vein that I still need to learn to write good erotic fiction, I also need to learn to give good feedback.

With that out of the way, here we go. Please don't take anything as offensive, because it is not meant in that way, this is honest, sincere critique.

First of all, you need to get someone to proofread your story / stories. There are several instances where you forgot to add the "I" to your sentence. For example : "Why had been so damned stupid?" and in another sentence you missed the verb : "I had never a man's cock before. "

You cannot really proofread your own story, as you know what it will say, and your mind just fills in the blanks, causing you to overlook the most obvious of errors. So, either have your other half proofread it (preferably when he's never read it before), or use one of the myriad of volunteer editors available.

Similarly, run it through a spellchecker. Grammatical and spelling errors are very disruptive, and you are a good enough writer that you really shouldn't be having any in your story.

There are several instances where you need to divide your paragraphs into smaller paragraphs. Remember that one paragraph only deals with one thing that's happening, or one thought at the same time.

Check out the "Writer's Resources" section for some very good articles on paragraphing and how important it is.


This part in the story seems... a bit abrupt.

"I spread my knees and slipped my fingers inside my panties, and began to finger myself. I know my breathing must have been very noisey, but they were too busy with each other to hear me.

"Oh, you are such a hot fuck," she kept saying. "Fuck me harder you hot and horny bastard." And so he did.

The following day I had to sit though etc.."

I don't know, it just cuts off and moves on in a very unnatural way. It is not strictly necessary, ofcourse, to have a scene come to climax every time you write about it, but if you wish to end it without a climax (thereby informing the reader the sex part is actually over), I'd go for something along the lines of
"And so he did, for quite a long time, until my back started hurting under the desk. Only then did he stop..."
or whatever.
This is just a little too jarring.


On the good sides, however, I did like the story, you describe your own feelings and thoughts in the story very well, and the sex is good too. I don't generally enjoy reading about old chubby men, but then again, I still think cheerleaders are the hottest things on earth <G>.

I thoroughly enjoyed the little "paper" you wrote in the story, which was a very good story hook, one that I hadn't seen before.

I'm stuck between giving you a 3 or a 4, but since I don't want to seem too naggy, I'll make it a 4.
I'll definitely be reading the rest of your stories.

I hope this was of some help to you

Eldridge.

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

Alex,

I owe you quite a bit for feedbacking a meanwhile pending story, but it was a pleasure to feedback on this anyway

Ready?

Title: I would just stick with "success". Your story is a bit too good to need a too obvious innuendo, I think.

The introduction is very good. Words like “smug” paint the atmosphere, and I’m with her in a posh office within a few lines. One thing: “... Why should it be? I haven't paid for any of it…” This didn’t read well for me. The question made me wonder why the office was so big and expensive. Then not having paid for it sounded odd to me, but maybe I just didn’t get it.

“You've been a very naughty girl haven't you Dominique?" I understand where you are heading at [pun intended ], but as a first thing a teacher says to a student – they have a relationship that should require him to be cautious: sexual harrassment and such - this sounds a bit too forward to me.
"Bend over my desk now," he ordered.
Same thing. If you make him do this almost immediately, you’d have to make it credible to the reader that he either knows more about Dominique, or has the ability to “sense” her. After all, the content of what Dominique wrote could just as well have been a joke by a more innocent type of student. So this tells more about you than it does about Dominique

There is one thing I feel I have to add here. Later on in the story you very convincingly paint Mr. Millhouse as being thoroughly experienced in these matters. That made a few bells ring again as to this part; if it was your intention to enlighten us this way, you may want to lift the curtain just a tad more here to convince the reader at all stages.

Then I watched in complete and innocent awe as he unzipped his trousers and pulled his cock out.
As a reader, I got a first impression of a succesful woman, who wrote a naughty note to a teacher when she was a first year student: “complete and innocent awe” doesn’t fit then, I think.

You have to understand it was my first year out of High School, and my tuition at Saint Mary's, an all girls' school, had been very strict and old fashioned. I still remember the ridiculous navy tunics and black stockings we had to wear.
This is important info, very nice setting too, with lots of opportunities for the writer. But it also kind of changed the setting I was envisioning up to that moment. And though it does make a few previous things a tad more credible, I’m still finding myself rushed in that first part.

I did exactly as I was told. I cupped his balls in my hand and gently fondled them.
Are you adding in a certain submissiveness? Maybe wonder again what kind of impressions you gave the reader so far. If you’re aiming at making us read this as submissive, it could be an idea to add in a bit of this info into the previous paragraph. If you want us to read it that she was too shocked by the events to resist, then I would want to see that written somewhere. You left me in doubt a little. It helped for me to kind of assume the submission, but the less experienced reader should have a chance as well to be properly drawn into Dominique’s experiencing of this, maybe. There are plenty of good opportunities to do this in the background-paragraphs, I think. These are good examples, by the way, of giving the reader information without really stepping out of the story-line.
I began to finger myself, gently rubbing my clit, then pushing two fingers deep inside my warm pussy. Contrast this with “complete and innocent awe” and ”Sure I had a little experience with the opposite sex.”, for example. You’re describing a hot scene, you’re doing that well, and you’re also demanding a lot of the reader in terms of how to envision young Dominique. Later on in the story it all makes sense, but you may want to check again if this is thoroughly convincing at this stage.

Of course it wasn't always easy. One evening we were just settling in for a 'lesson', when one of the female lecturers knocked on his door. Miss Jamison, or Ms Jamison, as she preferred to be called, my stats lecturer. I panicked, but he was so cool, and knew exactly what to do. If we had been caught in the classroom at that late hour there would have been many questions, so he had me hide under his desk. Clearly she hadn't come to discuss school matters with him. Maybe he had fucked her before, I don't really know. What I do know is, when she started unbuttoning her blouse, and talking about how hot it was, she wasn't talking about the weather.
Great paragraph in many respects, with excellent details written down real well! Our teacher has a wider practice of doing this – which by the way explains in retrospect why he would have been so confident with Dominique that first time. I loved the contrast in Ms Jamison: taking care to be addressed correctly, then having her blouse unbuttoned by our teacher. Cute!
Mr. Millhouse didn't need to be asked; he knew what she had come for.
Again showing us what kind of bloke Mr. Millhouse is. Interestingly it is making those previous paragraphs more and more credible – in retrospect. Nice
In terms of feedback, maybe the best you can do is reread and envision from both perspectives. Technically, what you’re doing here is good writing: filling in the picture of a character gradually, and making things explainable in retrospect. At the same time, these constructions carry the danger of leaving the blank reader unconvinced at first. I read through the whole story first before feedbacking, so I’m now giving you both impressions. A tad more polish and revision and you’d be there, I think.

As I walk past her I let my breasts brush up against hers, I smiled and whispered to her, "It was just so hot yesterday evening, wasn't it Ms Jamison?"
Yes! Written down in a way only women can sting with words, excellent! I could just hear her say it, the little bitch Interestingly, for me, this behaviour also bridges between her innocence of a young girl and the apparent success later in life: you have to be in possession of this type of guts to make it into the higher ranks

He swallowed and bit his lower lip, so I decided to take things a step further.

"You will pay for this, you know, now take your belt off and drop your pants!"
You’ve left us with professor Heath, painting him as an arrogant man with a touch of care behind his arrogant image. I wasn’t convinced he would buy this, as a character, and less so when the professor turns out to possess a distinct sub-ish streak in the next paragraph. Meanwhile, you are doing an excellent job in convincing us of Dominique’s way to the straight A’s Even Dominique’s apparent liking for being the one spanking came in a credible way, as I’m – as a reader – meanwhile not surprised by anything she’d do to pass an exam.
Watch it though that your story may lose tension and credibility when you just make her do anything. You don't want her to be the brainless slut; you want to continuously stress how keen she is to use her body to get what she wants; the strength of that concept requires thoughtful use of sex, literally.

The golden rule about men is, they are soft when they hard, and hard when they are soft - Mr. Millhouse taught me that. How true!

“sucessful” I know you use that word to the full extend of its meaning, but here you spelled wrong either way

He taught me everything I needed to know to be successful. How to suck cock, "Gently at first... That's it... Now use your tongue girl but not too much at first". How to fuck, "Good girl... Now tighten your muscles... Now relax them... Use your hips Dominique." How to use my fingers, my mouth, my breasts, my legs, in fact every part of my body.

No pun intended here, but he showed me how use my whole fucking body, to get what ever I wanted from any fucking man.
Great writing! In a mere 6 well chosen lines you paint us th bridge between past and present. Good use of direct speech here too.

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by my buzzer and then the sound of my secretary's voice, "Mr. Jones is here to see you Ma'am," she announced.
And very convincingly back into the present, where she is showing us all that she has learned. I really loved this part. Excellent example of an unfinished ending.

In summary, I think it’s the first part you have to work on a little. In a story like this, with present and past eventually connecting, it may help to read ‘backwards’, carefully checking what info and which impressions are being communicated to the reader at different stages.

Keep going girl

Paul

 

[Guest]

Hello

Octavian,

Yes, you are right of course, an editor will pick up all those silly mistakes. Unfortunately it's impossible to find one to edit a posted story. Fortunately, now I have managed to find several people willing to help me with future efforts.

Eldridge,

No you didn't come across as too naggy, I appreciate your comments.

Yes, you are right, I should have broken those paragraphs down, and that is an abrupt switch now that you mention it.

Thank you both for your excellent feedback.

Have a good day,
Alex.(fem)

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Paul,

Thank you, you have raised excellent points there, and certainly things I hadn't considered, but that I do now consider important .

Unfortunately, my other half has less than a little interest regarding my interest in Literotica. He could edit for me, but he doesn't.

Oh and Paul, don't forget you practically promised to edit/proof read my next effort.

Have a great day,
Alex

 

[PaulX35]

Oh and Paul, don't forget you practically promised to edit/proof read my next effort.

For all to read and witness, I, Paul, hereby solemnly promise...

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Hi Bragis,
Great story you have here. Like the others I noticed some typos and missing words. And one thing that Paul mentioned was a problem for me too, the part where he told her to bend over his desk. Humm I was thinking that it was awfully risky of him to be jumping right into that. perhaps you could have given some more background between the two of them during class, like, he had noticed her watching him and checking him out on more than one ocassion or that she brushed up against him any chance she got. Something that would have given him reason to believe she would be ok with this. I loved the "golden rule", man it's so true! Over all the story line was good and things that didn't seem quite right at first were tightened up as you went on. Great job!
Wicked

 

[kristydoll]

Hi Alex,

Great story!

I don't have much to add to the comments you've received regarding critiques.

I am though curious - and hopeful - that your follow up story included Dominique. You have a great strong female character there. Well done. Although she is aware of how to get what she wants - she is still likeable. Its a great combination!

kristy

 

[the_bragis]

Thank you...

WIcked,

Yes, a little background of what was happening between them in class is a good idea for sure, in fact I would even go as far as saying it's a bloody good idea!

kristy,

Thank you too. And kristy, don't forget you practically promised to edit my next bdsm story.

Paul ... dank u

Have a great day now,

Alex.

 

[kristydoll]

I still look forward to it *smiles*

kristy

 

[WickedTemptress]

Well, everyone else has already pointed out the missing words and all...

I'd just like to say that I think you're a very good writer, and I really enjoyed your story!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Feedback

I think just about everyone here owes a debt to Bragis, myself included, so I'd be glad to offer my feedback.

Proofreading, blah blah blah, yes; you know about that.

You wrote this piece in a very conversational tone. Narrator and reader might be two friends sitting in a bar and reminiscing or talking about their experiences, and you do this very well. Where the story works well, it works because of this (the opening; her confidential voice) and where it doesn't work as well, it's also because of this (her sexual experiences are described very objectively, which is what would happen in a normal conversation)

In a conversation you're not likely to hear the kind of concrete detail about a sexual experience that makes a it vivid and allows the reader to be there and experience it vicariously. Your story is therefore primarily informative rather than experiential, if you know what I mean. ("I did this, then I did that, then he did this, then that happened.") To me, for porn to work, the sex scenes have tio be experiential. The sex scenes are made more vivid by attention to concrete detail and emotional/subjective states of mind.

The narrator (Narratress?) doesn't seem especially moved by her experiences. That's okay, if that's what you intended, but it makes the piece emotionally flat and monochromatic to me. Here is a woman immersed in sex who herself idoes not seem sexy or emotionally involved in sex. As far as I recall, she never even tells us how she felt about her experiences. Did she like them or not? Okay, she liked the feeling of the Millhouse's cock in her mouth, but that's all I remember.

Also, I have to take you to task for the sin of "Flashback During Action", when she's blowing Millhouse, she tells us how inexperiences she was and that actually turns into a little flashback. We don't need that. And for someone so naive and innocent, she sure had no qualms about just diving in and masturbating in this unusual situation.

Also, at the end your narrator makes a big mistake. You don't get anything from a man by giving him what he wants. You get it by offering to give him what he wants. But that's just me.

And, yes, lose the pun in the title. (At least you didn't write "Suck-sex")

But it was good for all that.

Regards,

---dr.M.

 

[the_bragis]

thank you

Hello Wicked Temptress,

Thank you, I can bask in all the praise anyone wants to dish up. I'm happy you enjoyed it.

Oh and welcome too, since I see you are new here.



Hello doctor_mabeuse,

You wrote this piece in a very conversational tone.

Excellent! This is exactly what I was hoping to achieve, and hoping someone may comment on.

I appreciate your recommendations. Particularly, I am going to have to work on juicing up the emotions, since now that you mention it, it's glaring right at me.

I've started on a re-write of this story already bearing in mind the suggestions and helpful tips I have been given on this thread. Then when I've finished it, I'm going to go wear all the hair off my knees begging someone to proof read it for me.

As for the sin of "Flashback During Action". Aw doc, you're not telling me to scrub it out are you? I kind of like that bit. Can't I just move it somewhere else?

As for the title, yes it is silly, and several people have commented on it. "Alex that sucks" - and such. The problem is, I don't think I'm permitted to change it once it's been submitted. Well I mean I can try begging and pleading, but I have feeling that's the rule.

Also, at the end your narrator makes a big mistake. You don't get anything from a man by giving him what he wants. You get it by offering to give him what he wants. But that's just me.

You know what? Now that I think about it, that is something I think every woman reading this should have a good long think about.

Thank you.

Have a great day now,

Alex (fem).

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Recondsidering

I always that you can only critique a story if you know what the author intended, then you can tell the author is they achieved this or not. Since you obviously intended thsi to have a conversational tone, maybe I would reconsider juicing up the sex scenes too much.

One of the intiguing things about this story is your narrator's attitude. She's successful, cynical, hip. As Paul pointed out, to make her into a swooning virgin who's introduced to the wonders of sex might compromise her cynicism and make her seem inconsistent.
What if you made it so that her pleasure comes as much from the thrill she gets from learning how to manipulate others as it does from her own sexual gratification? I think all girls must go through a phase where they suddenly come to appreciate the amazing power they have over men, and that's really what your narrator's telling us about.
I think it would be cool if she were to describe to us the tricks she comes up with to give Millhouse a super blow job, she way she figures out just what it is that turn men on; her growing awareness of how to use her sexuality to get what she wants. That way you could have plenty of detail without her losing her cynical attitude. It would also be a fascinating study of how a woman comes to understands what she thinks it is a man wants.
The scene with Professor Beatme as she kind of wings it and figures out how to act the Domme and the rush of power she would get as it works would be especially fun.
Just an idea.

---dr.M.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Recondsidering

I always that you can only critique a story if you know what the author intended, then you can tell the author is they achieved this or not. Since you obviously intended thsi to have a conversational tone, maybe I would reconsider juicing up the sex scenes too much.

One of the intiguing things about this story is your narrator's attitude. She's successful, cynical, hip. As Paul pointed out, to make her into a swooning virgin who's introduced to the wonders of sex might compromise her cynicism and make her seem inconsistent.
What if you made it so that her pleasure comes as much from the thrill she gets from learning how to manipulate others as it does from her own sexual gratification? I think all girls must go through a phase where they suddenly come to appreciate the amazing power they have over men, and that's really what your narrator's telling us about.
I think it would be cool if she were to describe to us the tricks she comes up with to give Millhouse a super blow job, she way she figures out just what it is that turn men on; her growing awareness of how to use her sexuality to get what she wants. That way you could have plenty of detail without her losing her cynical attitude. It would also be a fascinating study of how a woman comes to understands what she thinks it is a man wants.
The scene with Professor Beatme as she kind of wings it and figures out how to act the Domme and the rush of power she would get as it works would be especially fun.
Just an idea.

---dr.M.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Recondsidering

I always that you can only critique a story if you know what the author intended, then you can tell the author is they achieved this or not. Since you obviously intended thsi to have a conversational tone, maybe I would reconsider juicing up the sex scenes too much.

One of the intiguing things about this story is your narrator's attitude. She's successful, cynical, hip. As Paul pointed out, to make her into a swooning virgin who's introduced to the wonders of sex might compromise her cynicism and make her seem inconsistent.
What if you made it so that her pleasure comes as much from the thrill she gets from learning how to manipulate others as it does from her own sexual gratification? I think all girls must go through a phase where they suddenly come to appreciate the amazing power they have over men, and that's really what your narrator's telling us about.
I think it would be cool if she were to describe to us the tricks she comes up with to give Millhouse a super blow job, she way she figures out just what it is that turn men on; her growing awareness of how to use her sexuality to get what she wants. That way you could have plenty of detail without her losing her cynical attitude. It would also be a fascinating study of how a woman comes to understands what she thinks it is a man wants.
The scene with Professor Beatme as she kind of wings it and figures out how to act the Domme and the rush of power she would get as it works would be especially fun.
Just an idea.

---dr.M.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Reconsidering

I always that you can only critique a story if you know what the author intended, then you can tell the author is they achieved this or not. Since you obviously intended thsi to have a conversational tone, maybe I would reconsider juicing up the sex scenes too much.

One of the intiguing things about this story is your narrator's attitude. She's successful, cynical, hip. As Paul pointed out, to make her into a swooning virgin who's introduced to the wonders of sex might compromise her cynicism and make her seem inconsistent.
What if you made it so that her pleasure comes as much from the thrill she gets from learning how to manipulate others as it does from her own sexual gratification? I think all girls must go through a phase where they suddenly come to appreciate the amazing power they have over men, and that's really what your narrator's telling us about.
I think it would be cool if she were to describe to us the tricks she comes up with to give Millhouse a super blow job, she way she figures out just what it is that turn men on; her growing awareness of how to use her sexuality to get what she wants. That way you could have plenty of detail without her losing her cynical attitude. It would also be a fascinating study of how a woman comes to understands what she thinks it is a man wants.
The scene with Professor Beatme as she kind of wings it and figures out how to act the Domme and the rush of power she would get as it works would be especially fun.
Just an idea.

---dr.M.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Woops

If I've said it once I've said it at least four times...

 

[WickedTemptress]

*smiles* Thanks for the welcome!!

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Doc,

Thank You. Again you raise some excellent points.

Your comments and advice are always appreciated..

I think all girls must go through a phase where they suddenly come to appreciate the amazing power they have over men,..

Hey doesn't that just put a whole new meaning on the expression, "sitting on a fortune"?

Have a good day,

Alex.