Hello, I am seeking friendly help

[lonelysub]

Hello, I am new here. I have been reading the stories here for a couple of years now. I just a few days ago discovered the Forum! (*d'oh!*) I hope I will be welcomed here. If I make a faux pas, please let me know! (I would much rather my Pas be real than faux! GRIN!)

I had difficulties in trying to post to the newbie thread. (I think I MAY be computer illiterate!)

I need help. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for over 20 years now. We have two kids, 10 and 12. I KNOW that my Hunny is intrigued and fascinated by the BDSM lifestyle. He has made a prototype of a take-apart plausibly denial kneeler. He turned our waterbed into a strong four poster. Yet, trying to have him "get into it" is driving me nuts!! I actually sat him down two nights ago to discuss this with him. Gave him my diary pages to read of my tears, longings, yearnings, etc. He has soooooooooo much caring in him for friends, his scouts, his models, etc.

I just feel sooooo lonely and as if I am unappealing to him anymore. I yearn to submit for him. I would dearly LOVE to be ordered to have dinner ready for him when he gets home, have a cup of tea when I wake him in the morning, etc. I also ADORE being tied up, gagged, etc.

I just feel so lonely. How do I get him to be willing to admit to Himself and me that he feels this way too? He sends me pics and stories during the day in my e-mail. He makes items. And then won't USE them on/for me!!

Seperation and divorce are not even an option. Do I live out the rest of my life having his lust taken care of and my needs buried and ignored? I am so very tired of crying every day after he goes to work. He is with me, (ie marriage) but he is not.

I am sorry if it sounds confusing. It sorta feels like how you can be totally alone in the midst of a crowd.

lonelysub

 

[FungiUg]

Two options here, I think. The first is to keep talking to him until he understands your viewpoint and he understands yours. The second is to do some counselling or arbitration. Either way, treat it seriously and ensure he does also.

At the moment, you don't know why he's not wanting to use the items he makes on you -- so why not start by asking about that?

A good conversation about this stuff can take months. Don't expect to get everything sorted and cleared out with the first conversation.

Best of luck.

 

[Desdemona]

I agree with Fungi. Also, one thing about dominant types is they want stuff to be their idea... they want control. If that is part of his personality, he may well wait until you get quiet about it to start using these things but you won't know until you have discussed it in a calm and respectful way.

I remember that when I first accepted my submissive needs, I was dying to find someone to dominate me. I wanted it all and right away! It doesn't work like that no matter how strong our urges are and that's a good thing. Taking it slow allows you to grow and learn what you like and what your limits are. He likely needs time for that as well. Good luck.

 

[Ms_Toy]

lonelysub,

This is a subject that i still struggle with. My partner is very dominant and knows that my patients is very short. He will make a point of making me wait for something that i really want until i'm to the point of madness. But, in the end i get what i need as well as learning more patience.

Communication is a very large part of any D/s relationship. But as FugiUg and Desdemona have said, it take time.

Don't give up on your dream. Continue to write and if your husband is willing to read your thoughts, that might be a good way to continue to let him know in a non threatening way what your needs and desires are.

best of luck to you.

Ms Toy

 

[pandoravampire]

In my inevitable topping from the bottom style, id advise you badly, here goes:

dont give him any of his sexual needs, till he is willing to cater for yours!

Dom's like to think that they are in control, and subs like to be controlled, but there is more than one way to skin a cat love, youve been married for years, surely you know how to manipulate him by now?

That is such bad advice, btw. not at all submissive. But effective. This is not a play partner who's going to walk off coz your topping from the bottom, this a life partner who needs to wake up and smell the coffee, before some other dom does.

I would strongly advise not to go seek what you need on line from another though. Any energy given to another, will detract from that available to give to the one you love.

Meanwhile, get hold of a screw the roses, send me the thorns, and read it. Rent out The Secretary and watch it with him and discuss after what you like, what he liked if anything.

Making toys not to be used, is criminal, cruel, and very domly, bastard! lol

have fun

 

[lonelysub]

Thank you

Thank you all for your gracious and understanding replies. Yes, I do agree. I personally feel that it is cruel to make toys that we won't use. The prototype has been in the garage for over a year now. The homemade grip cuffs I gave him for a valentines present. Opening the package, looking at the, grinning, kissing me, and then.......... (long wait here) putting them in the dresser drawer and not using them. Criminal!! Cruel!!

I long for his touch!! And not just whenever, however he wants it! To be rejected whenever I even initiate sex! Even 'nilla! Yikes!!

And the, he wonders how come I haven't been really romantic lately? Why my kisses to him have slowly become more like pecks?? Well, d'uh!!!!

If I am not ALLOWED to feel sensual or sexual, how in the HE** am I supposed to feel romantic?? Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I'm sorry i'm not listing you by name, I have no clue how to do the cute box inside a box quote thingy. (real technical terminology, huh? )

Anyway, thanks, and keep the advice coming!!

I REALLY also like the withholding advice. And No, I will not and am not looking for an online Dom. I just want him! I love him. As far as I know, he still loves me.

 

[kindlydom]

Advice in Kind

Hello lonely one

Around 7 years into my marriage, things had gotten a bit stale in the physical relations dept. in my marriage. One day I read an article in one of her magazines that said "Stale Sex? 10 Hints" ...
the only new idea i saw was:
step 1: have a chat with your partner about the "stale" (as the father of 2 great kids I know what having youngsters around does to cool the passions of even the most turgid desires).
step 2: make 1" x 3" (or so) slips of paper and give each partner 10 slips. each person is to take a slip and write down something sexy, sensual, titilating, etc. then fold the slip in half and put it into a special bowl/box/other discreet but special conatiner. repeat until all slips are used up. you can write anything - perhaps "you dab chocolate sauce on my kips and then kiss it off" or "you apply clothespins to my nipples and flick the off one by one" or anywhere in between.
step 3: sometime when the opportunity strikes, one partner draws a slip. both partners talk about _it_ so that they both clearly understand what is desired, and if both are comfortable with "IT" they go forward. there should be an understanding that they will do _IT_ for their partner as long as it does not seem harmful or dangerous

on another note,
Perhaps your husband is a kind and gentle soul; and being a dom is somewhat a stretch. He may feel that acting out in that way is damaging to you and therefore to be avoided.
If so, and if your relatopship is ok, you really only need to be honest and direct in asking him to have you in the ways that you desire. What he may need most is permission to act out in a way that his nature tells him is wrong/bad. You can't beat around the bush (HA! A PUN!) with him though. Find a way to be open and honest and just ask for what you want. start small and let him experience having your permission, nay your desire and happiness that he is finding and exercising power in that way. once he catches on, he'll probably be that fine person but with a newly firm grasp of your reality.

this is different from the cynical manipulation spoken of below. that kind of behavior only leads me to turn away and become indiffrent (i control my body and my desires pandora, not anyone else - and fooey on all those that are so easily led!)

In my inevitable topping from the bottom style, id advise you badly, here goes:

dont give him any of his sexual needs, till he is willing to cater for yours!

Dom's like to think that they are in control, and subs like to be controlled, but there is more than one way to skin a cat love, youve been married for years, surely you know how to manipulate him by now?

That is such bad advice, btw. not at all submissive. But effective. This is not a play partner who's going to walk off coz your topping from the bottom,

nope, this is another person who deserves to be enlightend, encouraged and loved - not bullied and toyed with ...

KD

 

[arctic-stranger]

In my inevitable topping from the bottom style, id advise you badly, here goes:

dont give him any of his sexual needs, till he is willing to cater for yours!

Dom's like to think that they are in control, and subs like to be controlled, but there is more than one way to skin a cat love, youve been married for years, surely you know how to manipulate him by now?

That is such bad advice, btw. not at all submissive. But effective. This is not a play partner who's going to walk off coz your topping from the bottom,

nope, this is another person who deserves to be enlightend, encouraged and loved - not bullied and toyed with ...

KD

I agree wholeheartedly here. What you want is a change in the relationship, and by withholding and playing games, you are hurting the relationship. Options: Counseling, Read a book together (I suggest The Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, this might be a better step than Screw the Roses right now.)

Talk....tell him, not what you want, but who you are. that is a bit scarier....and harder...and youwill have to think about it for a while.

Renting the Secretary might be a good thing, or it may intimidate him. Does he talk? Can he share his needs? what is he most scared of?

DO IT. Have dinner for him. Drop to your knees for him on occasion. (what you do there is up to you...and him.) It may freak him out a bit, but you either need to deal with this, or plan a long frustration. Changing is hard, especially in a marriage. YOu cannot change him, but you can change yourself. He may want to change...if he sees the advantages to change. Give him a new comfort zone so he can make the change.

Good luck...but i have to tell you, in spite of my best efforts it didnt work for me. You cannot change another person. But you can make it easier for them to want to change.

 

[Ms_Toy]

I have to agree with Kindlydom and arctic-stranger. Both have some very good advise that I will try myself.

I don't think holding out on any type of relations with your husband is a good idea. It can only lead to further frustration and force the wedge wider between both of you.

And yes, probably the best advise, talk openly and try to express yourself completely. Look deep inside yourself and explain to him the need you have to be submissive to him and only him.

This isn't something that is going to happen over night. It will take time and lots of communication from both of you. Try to pick a time when there aren't any demands on either of you. No distractions. Possibly a drive in the country with a picnic basket and a bottle of wine. Nothing around but fresh air, trees, birds and possibly a body of water to sit and gaze out over as you talk.

I know it's difficult to express your inner most feelings, but hopefully you will be able to get across to him in a reasuring way that this is what you long for.

 

[lonelysub]

thank you

Yes, this is exactly what I am trying to do. We have the movie Secretary on DVD. We also have Exit To Eden. Do you know of any other movies available in the US that shows the bdsm lifestyle in a GOOD healthy way? He detested the movie 9 1/2 weeks. He said it was so hurtful emotionally. I adore the movie Secretary. It shows bdsm as a couple to be fun, and loving.

I'm not really wanting to even change him. If he hadn't built some toys, or built a prototype, it would be one thing. But, to build something and not use it on me/ for us/ for our enjoyment is cruel to me. It is also sending me VERY mixed messages.

I am currently working on a list for him. Actually, 2. One is titled, Ways Wifey can serve Mark. So far, I have things like mow the lawn so he doesn't have to. Have a cup of tea for him in the morning when I wake him. Kiss passionately and not just a peck on the lips. I am listing EVERYTHING, not just sexually. Maybe if I open his eyes as to how much I do around here for HIM it might help. Hey, I don't get my jollies from mopping floors, doing laundry or washing dishes. I do it beacause I want to SERVE him/ our family. I also do it FOR him to please him.

Any ideas for my list would also be helpful! With two children in the house, bviously, I can't be kneeling nude at the doorway when he comes home! ( it was also VERY hurtful to me when the weekend before last when he rejected me when I did that and the kids were gone for an overnight!)

I had the house clean, dinner warming in the oven, my favorite lingerie on, a drink ready for him. Candles lit on the patio and in the house. A fire bright in the fireplace. He comes hime. Asks, "aren't you cold with nothing more on? Plopped down on the couch, and turned the tv on. The only words he spoke to me all evening were along the lines of, "Is dinner ready yet?" , and then later, "I'm tired, are you ready for bed?" Very non-erotic, non-sensual, etc. This kind of thing happened three weekends in a row. I am REALLY feeling like he doesn't lust me anymore, and therefore, must be losing Love in me. very depressing.

We have played bdsm before. I KNOW that he is intrigued by it, He has, in the past even initiated it! And, at this recent back-pedaling and rejection, I just hurt so soul-deep it is almost unbearable. I can't sleep well, i'm not eating right. I am almost ready to give up on lust. I am such a passionate emotional creature. My soul feels starved.

 

[Vixandra]

Is he under more stress at work or with the kids lately?
Maybe something's decreasing his libido and he hasn't talked about it yet with you?

*hugs*
Sometimes the hardest paths to walk are the most rewarding ones.

 

[FungiUg]

The lists are a good start. However, good communication is a TWO WAY thing, not a one way. You need to get those discussions happening, and find out WHY he is acting as he is. At the same time, of course, communicating your hurt and disappointment.

So get talking. That's the important thing here. Unless you tell him what you are feeling and why, and in turn find out what HE is feeling and why, you won't be able to find a middle ground in which you are both happy.

At the moment, what you are planning is essentially what we call "topping from the bottom". And I can assure you that long term, that will only frustrate you more. So to fix, rather than just move, the problem... you need to get him to see your needs and wants and passions. And the only way that can happen is by opening up the communication.

Now if you want some help on how to do THAT, I can make suggestions. But at the moment, you seem to be avoiding the real issue -- namely that the two of you are obviously NOT communicating. Since he doesn't understand your needs, and you don't understand why he's not acting on them, it's rather obvious that's what the real issue is.

So stop worrying about how you can serve him, stop concentrating on the sex, and fix the issue with the relationship. Then you can add the sex and passion and need and D/s back in at that point.

 

[Etoile]

I'm not sure that I feel Secretary shows D/s in a fun way...in fact early on I'd say he's definitely violating what should be a professional relationship! But I love the movie too, and it can be helpful in opening a discussion.

I know we have threads in the library about talking to and working with vanilla partners. You might give them a peek. I'm sorry I don't have more help for you! You do seem interesting and I look forward to hearing more from you here.

 

[NCShin]

i'm with Etoile here I don't think it shows D/s in a healthy way at all. But the spanking scene is hot anyway...

I didn't read every reply, have you tried a D/s Checklist?

I saw you said you were rejected, but I'm not sure what context. Did he reject you sexually?

You said he sends you stories. What type of stories? To me it shows he's thinking about you when he reads them, so the content might be enlightening. What types of things is he making? Again, the items might shed some light on what he's thinking.

Is it possible that he's interested in D/s from the submissive side or if not, then at least from a Switch perspective? Could it be that he's trying to tell you that, but isn't really ready to admit it (maybe even to himself) out loud?

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Maybe ask him if he's wanting to be dom or not, straight up. Also, find out if he is just afraid of the risk of being "outed". One never knows. He might just be exhausted. So, yes, express yourself, but also LISTEN.

As for Secretary, I love that movie, and I have a copy myself. I don't see it as a violation so much as a liberation of a very shy and frightened woman from her shell. In many ways, her dependence on him enables her to free herself from the control and influence of others.

 

[Etoile]

I don't see it as a violation so much as a liberation of a very shy and frightened woman from her shell. In many ways, her dependence on him enables her to free herself from the control and influence of others.

Ah, but I didn't say it was a violation of her - I said it was a violation of a professional relationship. In virtually every jurisdiction in the United States and probably many overseas as well, what he did is considered sexual harrassment in the workplace. It's convenient that his office is private so they're often the only two there, so as long as the relationship is consensual then there's nothing to worry about. But it's definitely a violation of a professional relationship to start spanking and then screwing your secretary!

I did love the movie, though. Absolutely wonderful. Yes indeed, the relationship was empowering for her in many ways. And some people have said it's not a portrayal of "how we really live our lives" or whatever, but I feel it's a good first step in the right direction. We have to start somewhere.

 

[serijules]

I loved the movie, but was annoyed to death by all the not-so-healthy connections in it...the cutting, his anal-retentiveness and emotional closedness (am I completely butchering these words? heh..), and as Etoile mentioned, his lack of professional conduct in how he went about finding partners. Too many negatives don't make a positive. But...I liked it anyhow, despite thinking it could have been written a hell of a lot better.

Anyhow, back to the subject at hand...so to speak....lonelysub, have you considered or tried writing him stories in response to the ones he sends you...stories that are obviously about you and him? I used to do this with a partner I had a bit of trouble sharing fantasies with for fear of how she would react. I would write it into a story, using our names and real details about us and weave these little fantasies into it, then ask her what she thought of this or that. It was a gentle way to open the conversation without flat out blurting it out, and helped weaved what may have been an intimidating desire into a more erotic sense. ("I want you to tie me up and flog me!" can sound a bit more intimidating and harder to admit to wanting on his half than embracing a detailed, erotic, but still loving story)

 

[Etoile]

I'm not creative enough to write stories, but when I find ones I like on Lit I send them along.

 

[pandoravampire]

Well, i kinda knew id be flamed for the topping from the bottom response, so here's a more serious reply:

rejection of you.
this is tough to take, and something i can equate to wholeheartedly. For 3 yrs i took these rejections. Not always, just enough to make me think, 'what is wrong with me?', or 'why doesnt he want to make love to me?'.
My partner avoided real communication of the underlying issues that there clearly were. Nothing i could do or say, would push him to communicate to me, what he was not really fully aware of himself. His awareness came much later. In his own time, at his own pace. This was perhaps my most valuable lesson in patience. Just because i was ready to face - whatever, did not mean he was.

Having children around, as we who enjoy that particular pleasure, cuts the available time for intimacy drastically, even in vanilla relationships.
Tiredness, work stress etc. will all make even the most ardent libido dissappear, and nothing puts a libido in hiding quite so much as pressure to perform.
But it doesnt stop you feeling rejected, if your in the mood, have the courage to make the pass at your partner, only to be told, no. Or worse, ignored completely, yes, that hurts so bad, i empathise with you.

There are many ways i can feel intimate with someone, with or without sexual content. If there is little time and energy for sex, then enjoy giving him some attention. Few of us, do not like a relaxing massage to send us to sleep, no strings attatched. By not expecting sexual response, you can take the heat out of being able to touch, cuddle and share quality time with each other. This way, you are able to demonstrate your love for him, without him feeling pressured to 'put out' for you.

You have both entered a vanilla relationship willingly and consentually. He has not consented to changing this to bdsm. And this element of consent, is what you will need to get anywhere with bdsm. Otherwise, its abusive, on your part toward him.

I agree that there is little point in persuing bdsm in a relationship that has so obviously hit a difficult stage, where neither of you are communicating with each other clearly.
All of us in long term relationships hit these pitfalls from time to time. Where it seems stale, boring, sexless and just frustrating. Even within a bdsm relationship, things wax and wane, its really no different. But the secret to taking a relationship through these times, is to communicate with each other. Until you can achieve this, you are stuck.

To help you through this, whilst you wait for him to 'come to the table and talk', enjoy his company, court him again, show him how much you love him in the things you can do for him that do not revolve around sex.

Get rid of them kids for a evening, dress up and go out to dinner, or a walk or something you may of done pre-children and the finding a babysitter scenario we parents are all too familiar with! Time alone for a couple, where they can be 'Mark' and 'You' are so easily lost in the parental home.

He is clearly interested in some way in bdsm, but this would seem for later honey, and not right now. I know its frustrating, having come to a realisation that this is what you need, to not be able to bring this to fruition.
Keep in mind, that even were you in a contant bdsm long term relationship. What you get as a sub, is decided upon by the Dom/me in their own good time, and not yours. That is a skill you are learning now! The hard way sure, but im not sure that skill of patience is ever easy!

Perhaps you can appease yourself, with reading and informing yourself, of what type of bdsm you maybe interested in. There are many forms of play, some you may desire, some may put you off? Submission can be done, without sexual content. Read about it, keep posting and asking questions, we are a friendly bunch, and ALL of us, started from ground zero at one time.

I wish you all the best
pandoravampire

 

[FungiUg]

Well, i kinda knew id be flamed for the topping from the bottom response, so here's a more serious reply:

I'm always amused by the phrase "topping from the bottom". Kind of brings to mind one of those upside down puddings... you know, where the sauce topping is on the bottom.

I don't think I have ever "flamed" someone for topping from the bottom (hmmm... flambe'd upside down pudding?) but I do know for the person doing it, it is often very frustrating, because they are still not getting the control from someone else that they crave.

Sometimes it's "the best I can do" though, and I understand that. But I wouldn't recommending settling for that if it is possible to get what you REALLY want.

 

[lonelysub]

Rejection, yes....

Yes, I was rejected three times in a row sexually. No, his stress at work has actuall been lessened lately. He has a new assistant that is a dream to work with. Prompt, courteous, knowledgeable, professional, etc. His health is good. He recently also had a physical check up for health insurance. Soooo, there are no "Physical" reasons for his antipathy towards me lately.

Yes, we had the "talk" last wednesday night. I gave him my journal entries where in I had poured out my grief and frustration. He skimmed the first two pages and got all emotional. It ended up being a "discussion" about his needs. He wants me to be "more romantic", ie: kissing passionately, etc

I attempted to tell him that when I am rejected sexually, and my attempts at being sensual for him/ me/ us ar also spurned, I don't really "Feel" romantic!! I have been, the last week kissing him more often, deeply passionate, etc. Sitting closer to him in the evening on the couch when he watches tv, etc. After about 10 minutes of my sitting close to him, he says, "I need to stretch out", and I move back to the chair and he takes the couch. I am at my wits end. I am trying to please him with good kids, clean house, passionate wifey, etc. To no avail.

I seriously doubt if he's having an affair. If he's not at the office, he's either home or with one of our kids. IE: Scouts, other activities, sports, etc.

I am sooooo tired of feelimng like i'm not pretty enough, or sexy enoughh for him. He told me, that during sex if I grab onto his wrists or hands he can't stand it. ( my subtle attempts to see if he is subconciously submissive) He wants to be in control. I told him, okay, you have control. Take it! He won't.

He also told me, NINE MONTHS AGO in July, that he was wanting to plan for BDSM himself. I'm still waiting. I wouldn't be soooo frustrated and upset if it had NEVER been part of our sexual closeness.

And, to make things worse, we now have a friend coming to stay with us for two weeks. And get this, she is at the VERY SAME PLACE with her romance/ relationship with her live-in boyfriend. Soooo, she is coming here so Hubby can help her figure out if this relationship is something she wants to stay in or leave. Stepping back and looking closely at it. She is a good friend. A little closer to Hubby, but both of ours friend. (Yeah, okay, the vocab sucks on that last sentence.) What a laugh!! (insert sarcastic laugh here!) He is willing to take time to help her, but not me! ARRGGHHHH!! (insert pulling hair out by the very roots here!)

I am lookimng forward to seeing our friend again, I just can't help but be distressed at the timing of it. Having company for two weeks is added life-stress at the best of times. When I am feeling so alone, neglected and grieving it is going to be EXTREMELY difficult!!

I am just sooooooooooooo grateful for the support and friendliness I have found here on the board. It is indeed, helping me to stay sane! At least I feel cherished by you all!!!! Thank you!!!!!! Thank you also, for tolerating my venting. It helps to know that you care.

 

[FungiUg]

Hmm... I'd say he's not taking you as seriously as he should be.

The friend coming to sort out stuff could help out with that. Do what I call "sticky beaking", and make sure you are involved in the discussions, and draw frequent comparisons to your own relationship in what they discuss. So in other words, broaden the base of the discussion to include your own relationship.

Remember, none of this happens overnight. Relationships take constant work, even long-term relationships. So you need to keep working at this. Plan on constant gradual improvement. And Practice Pretend Patience. (No one has REAL patience, but we can all pretend.)

 

[BadForm]

One though occurs to me - is it possible for you and your friend to BOTH meet with your husband TOGETHER? I think I understood you to say you are both in the same situation. Perhaps, if he is able to see you both the same way, it may open conversation for you too. Its a dangerous game to play, and could backfire, but in when no other alternative presents itself sometimes walking the third rail of the track is the only way to escape the tunnel.

 

[pandoravampire]

Hmm... I'd say he's not taking you as seriously as he should be.

The friend coming to sort out stuff could help out with that. Do what I call "sticky beaking", and make sure you are involved in the discussions, and draw frequent comparisons to your own relationship in what they discuss. So in other words, broaden the base of the discussion to include your own relationship.

Remember, none of this happens overnight. Relationships take constant work, even long-term relationships. So you need to keep working at this. Plan on constant gradual improvement. And Practice Pretend Patience. (No one has REAL patience, but we can all pretend.)

"practice pretend patience" roflmao, this is the best
soooooo true!

He really is rejecting in his behaviour, 'i need to stretch out'......when i read that, my heart went out to you. But i suspect, more in a transference way than anything else.

The timing of your friend is lousy isnt it? Friends do that though ive noticed. Tend to need you when your running on empty yourself. But, thats friends for you, and none of us would be without them.

He wants more romance. This is a clue i think. So there. You have your order from your Dom. Now give him what he wants! Romance him. You only ever get out of a relationship what you put in. So start putting some in. Not bdsm, just romance.

Men seem to care very little for the 'clean house, clean kids' just accept it as a given. But romance is something he wants. Stop throwing energy into something he does not request and being annoyed that he doesnt appreciate this. He never asked for this, but did ask for romance. So be a good subbie and do as your told for once.
See, this submission milarky is a bit tricky.
The most difficult thing for us in the sub role without being a submissive nature, is to keep putting out on these demands, sometimes unrewarded with what we need, till it suits them. But thats submission for you. Its not all wonderful. But when you do get the return on your investment, WOW! its rewarding.

I think sticky beaking is a good idea indeedy. Personally, my green eyed monster would come to the fore, which is why id be sticky beaking. Keep an eye on the pair of them, note the advice he gives, and perhaps you can then discuss how it pertains to your situ once alone.

take care
pandoravampire