Hello From Sex_vampyre

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

They posted my latest rape story on Stories Online.net. Now they have all of my stories online to date. My Author's name their is Sex Vampyre

My stories are listed here as well (click on my signature)
I'm disapointed that my stories don't get higher ratings. "sigh"

I wish people woud give me feedback.





(

 

[ladyphoenix]

Dear S_V,
I read Bree's Seduction, and here are a few of my reactions:
In the first paragraph, you confuse the reader by first referring to Bree as "my prize" and "her", which is fine, but then you say, "YOU are clothed in...". To keep consistency, YOU should have been replaced by "SHE". The line "I am looking at a beautiful young girl brushing her strawberry blonde hair that ends just past her hips" is awkward. Let me show you by rewriting the first paragraph more smoothly (I hope):

"I gaze upon my prize, a beautiful young girl alone in her bedroom, going about the tasks of preparing for bed without any fear or portent of what is about to happen. She brushes out her hair. Long pale silk, like her thin nightgown, it reaches down to her gently curved hips.
In a moment of decision I change and come through her window on the wings of a night creature, as my kind often do, and reform before her as a man. Her reaction, so innocent and yet so alluring, is to gasp and cross her arms before her thinly clad breasts"

See what I mean? Her first line is to beg for her life. He looks into her eyes, mesmerizing her. To be honest, it's a bit comical, and too cliched to be interesting. I LOVE vampire stories. But you have to do something new. And at the very least, if you're going to do something old, at least spell it correctly and try to use words that invite, instead of repel.
For example: " "No," you bark, suddenly alarmed. "We can't do this! I'm a virgin saving myself!"
Females who "bark" are not very attractive. She could whisper, or murmur or plead. Not bark. And is she under his power or not? If she is, is she even ABLE to resist, or tell him no? And finally, "I'm a virgin saving myself" is rather trite. Reminds me of those old black and white "Simon LaGree and Perils of Penelope" serials.
Also, "...causing your body to shutter..." It should be 'shudder'.
Referring to her nipples he says, "I encircled one of the hardened tissues and suck hard on it." First, you've used the word "hard" in two forms in this sentence. Find another word. Second, you change your verb tenses from present tense ("my tongue darts [NOT darted] into your navel...") to "I encircled...". If you want to make your writing sound more active, use PRESENT tense as often as possible (ie, "my tongue darts" and "I encircle"). Finally, "hardened tissues" sounds like something I wouldn't want to touch, let alone have in my mouth. Again, your vocabulary is unappealing.
Next paragraph....How can her head "hang low in shame" when she's laying down? Also, you refer to his doing this to her as a "betrayal". Why? Betrayal infers that they know one another and he's betraying her trust/confidence, etc. How is that accurate here?
Next paragraph, he is at her clit, opens his mouth and exposes his fangs and bites her "inflamed flesh". WHERE IS HE BITING HER??? Sorry, but being bitten in the crotch always turns me off.
Subsequent paragraphs continue with the verb disagreements "I slowly WORKED [past tense] my hips back and forth, inserting [present tense]...." Again, you use the term "shutter" instead of "shudder".
Several paragraphs later "Your mind is confused [present tense] with a thousand different thoughts....You could [past tense] feel the intense pleasure...." Here again, you refer to her as "You" (direct reference) and in the same sentence refer to her as "Her". This is confusing and destroys any rhythm in the writing.
Finally, your last paragraph. What can I say? You actually wrote that Bree cries out, "Give it to me baby!" I think that's about as cliche as you can get. It sums up the story rather well. Sorry to be so rough, but I'm shooting for honesty here. I would recommend a spell checker, proof reader AND a good thesaurus. Your writing needs basics as well as polish. But with desire, all things are possible, right?

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

You must be an editor

Thanks for your critiquques.Would you mind reviewing my future stories before I post them? I don't think there's much you can do about a story once it's out there. Is there? Some web pages pay authors for submissions. Have you ever been paid for a submission? Have you been writing long?I took some creative classes and joined a few clubs. BTW I use MS WORD which has a spell checker and thesaurus. I have met women that are turned on by the obvious symbolism between vampirism and oral sex. I mean vampires suck right?
You must be an Anne Rice fan.I tend to want to be more explicit.
You may not enjoy my writings but I do invite you to view my vampire web pages.If your not at all interested, I'll understand.

Here is my MSN club.

http://communities.msn.com/NudeVampires2/


Here is my vamp web ring



http://www.bomis.com/rings/vampiresnude


Here is my own Fictionwring web ring.

http://www.bomis.com/rings/fictionwriting/

 

[maidens_lust]

'A few of my reactions'????

You gave much more than just a few.

 

[damppanties]

Re: You must be an editor

I don't think there's much you can do about a story once it's out there. Is there?

You can edit your stories here at Lit and put up the edited version. Your votes will remain the same. For more information see the FAQs.

 

[damppanties]

posted story's editing

Here's the relevant portion from the Lit FAQs:

- I've re-edited my story and want to replace the posted version with my new edited one. How do I do this?

Easy! Simply submit the new version as you submitted the old one, only adding the word "EDITED" to the title (ex. "My Sexy Firefighter Ch. 3 - EDITED") so that we know to replace the old text with the new text. We will then replace the original text with the new text. Your story will retain its previous voting score and views.

-DP.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Thanks.

You really do seem to want to encourage new writers. Maybe you could read my work and email a critique>

 

[ladyphoenix]

Dear S_V,
Well, I have been trying for a year to get the site to add me to their Volunteer Editor list, but so far, no luck.
However, see my new posting re: "Volunteer Editor" today. And feel free to use it!

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

They posted my latest rape story on Stories Online.net. Now they have all of my stories online to date. My Author's name their is Sex Vampyre

My stories are listed here as well (click on my signature)
I'm disapointed that my stories don't get higher ratings. "sigh"

I wish people woud give me feedback.





(