Hello!! Freshly arrived, looking for feedback

[LucyJuicy]

Hi all! Here's my first ever story on Literotica. It was a fast write, and a fast post with no wait time to re-write.
Please let me know if you love or hate anything about it! Thanks so much, I'm looking forward to your input!

http://www.literotica.com/s/virginity-and-lies I'm LucyJuicy, and its posted in First Time category.

LUVYA!!

 

[nakdsub]

I have a question...

Why quickly; what was your hurry? Why not take your time and do your best?

To be honest, I didn't finish the story but I did read enough to get a sense of your writing style. Watch your repetition; you have a tendency to use the same words or phrases over and over.

Personally, I like more dialogue, but again, that's just my personal preference. Oh, and when showing possession it's sister's, not sisters'.

From what I read I think you have promise; certainly I have read worse. My only real advice would be to take your time, do your best. When you're on page 10 go back to page 1 and re-read it, see if there is a better way to construct a clumsy sentence or paragraph; watch for words being used too many times in close proximity to each other. (that's where a good thesaurus comes in handy.)

Keep writing; you're not bad now and you'll only get better with practice.

 

[PennLady]

Lucy, I sent you a PM with some thoughts/feedback. Just FYI.

 

[LucyJuicy]

@PennLady thank you for your feedback.


I do love a story with spectacular character development, and in this case it was a short re-counting of a memory that I wanted to write and turn into a story. I also wanted to set up a jump point from which I could add more chapters if I wanted to in the future.
I like to set up a hook before I delve into story lines.
From here I can progress on character development and explain missing links in further chapters and bring in plots and story lines.
I'm not sure whether I want to do a series or write short stories with just enough information in the characters to feel some substance. I'm not sure which readers want more either. it will be fun to experiment.

There are obvious unrealistic details in the story, and that came partly from my own memory of how I felt when this was happening and my point of view at the time (this story is a recount of my first time), and partly from my own fantasy.



@nakdsub
Thank you very much for taking time to read my story. It was hurried because I have a tendency not to follow through on many things and I was afraid I wouldn't rewrite or even post if I waited.

Sister's would be singular possessive, and for the sentence you referred to I was using plural possessive, which calls for the apostrophe placement after the plural s. She has 3 older sisters and was referring to all three of their breasts.

I do repeat phrases, you are right about that. I've had writer's block for a good 15 years and am finally shaking it off. I've lost a lot of vocabulary and used to love that thesaurus next to me while writing.

Thank you thank you for the feedback!!

~Lucy