Hello, and questions

[apmadox]

Hi all!

Well, I've mostly been lurking around the boards for a month or so. I find D/s intriguing, and have thought about it for a long time. but even moreso after my last relationship. She was into dominant guys, and I think she lost interest in me sexually when she realized I wasn't really like that.

I'm sure I have submissive tendencies. I got up the nerve to try a D/s story

My Assistant

that, I guess, displays some of my fantasies for all to see. I felt a real pang of recognition when someone started a thread about the 'Whimper', not too long ago - I had never been conscious of what that was.

On the other hand, though, submissive women really excite me. The best times I had with the woman I mentioned above were in the first couple of months. She would gaze into my eyes in a way that I can't begin to describe, but, in retrospect, I understand. She had a lover, (long term sex partner, really) a man who was not a dom in any conscious sense, but who had so much power within their relationship that she was completely subservient to him. As much as it made me jealous, it turned me on to no end to hear about (and, privately, obsess about) the two of them together.

Am I really a sub, then?

And then there is the problem of finding a Domme. I have enough trouble finding someone vanilla I want to hang around for six months. Someone I consider both likeable and my equal. If I add that compatibility problem the need to find someone SO special that I want to be possessed by them, it seems like I'll never find anyone worth being with.

Isn't that right? A sub isn't interested in an equal, is he? Doesn't he want someone wiser and stronger than he is? Someone he admires to the point of wanting to serve and obey?

So how in the world do subs ever meet someone they are truly compatible and happy with? Is it just wild luck?

 

[MissTaken]

Welcome, apmadox!

I can tell you are going to be a great addition to the forum all ready!

No, this sub is not searching for someone wiser and stronger than she. For me, I would search for someone that I "click" with, care about and yes, who is my equal. It is simply a matter of fact that our needs are different, as two pieces of a puzzle.

However, whomever we chose and how we chose is exactly that, choices. Some subs may not wish to engage in a relationship based on mutual respect and admiration. I do.

That is just a few thoughts, I am sure there will be more later!



Good thread.

 

[CarolineOh]

Welcome to the forum, apmadox.

I have a few thoughts on your post. First of all, in your questioning of your own orientation, I'd like to point out that many people consider themselves switches, and feel no compelling need to declare themselves either dom or sub as a blanket statement. Rather, their orientation may be based on how they relate to a particular partner, or it may simply vary at different times in their lives.
Might I ask you to consider that your interest in submissive women may be , in fact, a reflection of your own submissive feelings, that you find them attractive because you identify with their submissive nature?
I consider myself my dominant's equal, and neither of us would have it any other way. Our relationship is not predicated on his superiority over me, but in my willingness to submit to his will, from a position of free choice. If I believed him to truly be superior to me, would my submission be worth nearly as much to either of us?

 

[Lancecastor]

Yes. No. Maybe.

Am I really a sub, then?
Lance: Unless you have a periscope, the answer is maybe.

A sub isn't interested in an equal, is he?
Lance: Sure, why not? No, never. Sometimes.

Doesn't he want someone wiser and stronger than he is?
Lance: Yes, sometimes, somewhat, always or occasionally.

Someone he admires to the point of wanting to serve and obey?
Lance: One would hope!

So how in the world do subs ever meet someone they are truly compatible and happy with?
Lance: On the internet. At work. In a bar. At the grocery store.

Is it just wild luck?
Lance: If you're lucky, it's wild.

There is lots to know, and there are absolutely no absolutes.

Have fun figuring it out!
Lance

 

[Lancecastor]

Yes. No. Maybe, Part Deux.

Might I ask you to consider that your interest in submissive women may be , in fact, a reflection of your own submissive feelings, that you find them attractive because you identify with their submissive nature?

Lance: Hmmm...I'm a fairly alpha male like submissive women lots and lots....yet perhaps I'm a submissive man in denial via this reasoning. Yet....I also like really dominant women. And I often get along really well with lesbians. Yikes...I could be a subdomgayman!

If I believed him to truly be superior to me, would my submission be worth nearly as much to either of us?

Lance: I'm not sure on the exchange rate in converting subequal to domsuperior....but it's like one of those snatch the pebbles from my hands hypotheticals, I think.

 

[Lancecastor]

Yes!

Welcome, apmadox!

I can tell you are going to be a great addition to the forum all ready!

No, this sub is not searching for someone wiser and stronger than she. For me, I would search for someone that I "click" with, care about and yes, who is my equal. It is simply a matter of fact that our needs are different, as two pieces of a puzzle.

However, whomever we chose and how we chose is exactly that, choices. Some subs may not wish to engage in a relationship based on mutual respect and admiration. I do.

That is just a few thoughts, I am sure there will be more later!



Good thread.

MissTaken, as usual, has that holistic thang going on....agreed...it comes down to the love you need being the kind that's right for you.

And, as most everyone's Grandmother says: "you'll know."

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Hiya apmadox, and welcome!!

I don't have any words of wisedom for you...I'm still in the learning phase myself. However, I know you'll find very experienced folks here that will have some great answers for ya. I know I've learned alot here, hope you do too.

dixi

 

[Ebonyfire]

Dom, Domme. sub labels...

Is it more important to define what or who you are than to discover what and who you are?

Many times looking at the label imposed on a specific set of behaviours serves to limit that very set of behaviurs we are trying to understand.

Think of it as a journey, and be open to all the possiblities. If you enjoy both sides of the coin, so be it.

Ebony

 

[cellis]

Welcome to Lit!

When I met Himself, one of the first things he said to me is that we make our own rules in this. We do it together, it is our journey and just because others have done something a certain way in the past, does not mean we have to. We write our own handbook.

At first, I was a little taken back by that attitude, but I have come to understand the wisdom of his statements. It does not mean that he does not what to learn only that he wants to discover it with me.

Reality is a lot different than the stories you read, and the things you see on the internet. Life happens to all of us. Things get in the way, but mutual respect and honest communication go a long way to keeping things on track.

As far as labels, I really try not to use them even here. How I define myself within our relationship is not how I define myself in other ways.

Because I am submissive to Himself, doesn't mean I am submissive to all men or women... in fact I have this little Domme thing going now with a woman who submits to both of us and sometimes the woman and I both submit to Himself.

Figure that one out!

 

[apmadox]

Thanks for the warm welcomes!

I have a few thoughts on your post. First of all, in your questioning of your own orientation, I'd like to point out that many people consider themselves switches, and feel no compelling need to declare themselves either dom or sub as a blanket statement. Rather, their orientation may be based on how they relate to a particular partner, or it may simply vary at different times in their lives.

I have heard of switching. It is probably appropriate for me, but I can't help thinking I'd just be faking it as a Dom. I've never been comfortable telling other people what to do, or holding the power in relationships. I suppose one day I'll find out.

Might I ask you to consider that your interest in submissive women may be , in fact, a reflection of your own submissive feelings, that you find them attractive because you identify with their submissive nature?

Yes, I think that's it exactly.

I guess for me it makes more sense to be with an equal too. It's all very abstract, though; difficult to envision in the context of the basically vanilla relationships I've been involved in all my life. Hopefully that will change...

Because I am submissive to Himself, doesn't mean I am submissive to all men or women... in fact I have this little Domme thing going now with a woman who submits to both of us and sometimes the woman and I both submit to Himself.

Figure that one out!

I had wondered about this, too. Very intriguing!

 

[MzChrista]

Re: Dom, Domme. sub labels...

Is it more important to define what or who you are than to discover what and who you are?

Many times looking at the label imposed on a specific set of behaviours serves to limit that very set of behaviurs we are trying to understand.

Think of it as a journey, and be open to all the possiblities. If you enjoy both sides of the coin, so be it.

Ebony

Oh man, as fast as they set em up, Ebony knocks em down.
Listen to the lady, dude, shes smart they come.

 

[artful]

First...

Welcome to the REAL BDSM Forum.

All of us are searching for MORE answers as to who we are, what we want to become,...what we want to experience and learn. The TRUTHS that are individual and meaningful to US.

That being said,...this is a wonderful Forum,...filled with a LOT of collective experience. Even people who are NOT specifically oriented toward BDSM post and READ a lot of our threads. As we learn more about ourselves and each other through communication, we tend to grow,...whether we like it or not. Our opinions are presented, clarified, rejected, accepted, adjusted or changed accordingly. The hard part is opening up to it,...I sense you are over the hump. So enjoy the rest of your journey.

 

[WillowPuss]

A very warm welcome apmadox.

Just enjoy your journey of discovery



I must agree with Caroline that being a submissive does not automatically make one less equal to your Dom/me.

I would think that most Dom/mes treasure their submissive more if they are equal and give their submission as a free gift. (Please, Ebony; MsChrista; Shadowsdream; MsWorthy; Artful; Sam and WD [heaven help me if I have forgotten anyone *gulp*] correct me if I am wrong here.)

 

[artful]

Willow

It is difficult for me to explain just HOW I feel about the issue of equality without being misunderstood,...however,...I will attempt it one more time. YES,...there is equal VALUE to either side of a good relationship. I cherish and value my subs rights, opinions intelligence, traits, etc. as much as she does mine. In my eyes,...I don't value a Dominant person as being more VALUABLE than a submissive one. As far as MY D/s relationship is concerned,...it is NOT a matter of judging the VALUE of one against the other,...it is only a matter of judging the COMPLETED whole. What WE form together is what I look at,...and it either will increase or decrease in value as time goes by. It will not be allowed to stagnate,...for I will excercise my Dominance in leading the relationship in the direction we BOTH want to pursue.

I hope this helps Willow.

 

[Desdemona]

Re: Willow

It is difficult for me to explain just HOW I feel about the issue of equality without being misunderstood,...however,...I will attempt it one more time. YES,...there is equal VALUE to either side of a good relationship. I cherish and value my subs rights, opinions intelligence, traits, etc. as much as she does mine. In my eyes,...I don't value a Dominant person as being more VALUABLE than a submissive one. As far as MY D/s relationship is concerned,...it is NOT a matter of judging the VALUE of one against the other,...it is only a matter of judging the COMPLETED whole. What WE form together is what I look at,...and it either will increase or decrease in value as time goes by. It will not be allowed to stagnate,...for I will excercise my Dominance in leading the relationship in the direction we BOTH want to pursue.

I hope this helps Willow.

Artful, you just said it better than I could. The thing I would change is your last sentence and I can paraphrase it this way: As a sub, I trust my Dom to lead our relationship in the direction we BOTH want to pursue.

 

[Lancecastor]

Eggxactly

Artful, you just said it better than I could. The thing I would change is your last sentence and I can paraphrase it this way: As a sub, I trust my Dom to lead our relationship in the direction we BOTH want to pursue.

Eggxactly to both of you.

I find that people can get really hung up really quickly on D/s power structures as they relate to Love and the Rest of the World, in particular.

At any rate, I'm sure this new person is starting to see there's lots to consider!

LC

 

[CarolineOh]

Re: First...

Welcome to the REAL BDSM Forum.

All of us are searching for MORE answers as to who we are, what we want to become,...what we want to experience and learn. The TRUTHS that are individual and meaningful to US.

That being said,...this is a wonderful Forum,...filled with a LOT of collective experience. Even people who are NOT specifically oriented toward BDSM post and READ a lot of our threads. As we learn more about ourselves and each other through communication, we tend to grow,...whether we like it or not. Our opinions are presented, clarified, rejected, accepted, adjusted or changed accordingly. The hard part is opening up to it,...I sense you are over the hump. So enjoy the rest of your journey.

A good post, Artful. It put me in mind of the old saying that rather than bicker over whether you both got enough pie, make a bigger pie next time.