"Heavy Lifting"poem by: KillerMuffin, SA Storm, Cyberguy

[Unmasked Poet]

As Heavy as a Swig of Whiskey
by KillerMuffin ©

Even an ounce is heavy
by SA Storm ©

Heavy Weights
by Cyberguy ©

 

[Vailyn]

Feedback

Er.........double post! <ducks> Erasin and deleting and ....


<whistles>

 

[Vailyn]

Feedback

As Heavy as a Swig of Whiskey

Good melancholy poem! Without ever really saying that the lady was dead, I could see him remembering her, missing her, and wishing he never lost her.

I like these lines:

The falling rain made circular
Forsaken patterns with the dust
On the careworn vinyl surface
Months of neglect and exposure

Good phrasing and clear visuals. Nice how it goes from Memory, Action and Thought in the three stanzas. And the man's mulish, stubborn, small townish, old fashion way of thinking was clearly written. I like it! =)

Even An Ounce is Heavy

Nice! What seemed to be rambling thoughts connected well with the final statement. The last line made me wince for the person being talked about and mentally pat the back of the person who is thinking. No one should have to "carry" a person in the relationship. That's no fun and not healthy.

My fav lines are:

You crush me,
beneath half hearted groans.
Desperately wanting to lighten your burden,
upon me, inside me.

I can see it visually, but it carries the double meaning of being pressured mentally and emotionally.

This part makes me go "huh?" :

Wondering new molding and light fixtures

Er, what's that part for? Guessing it may have been written to convey how the person's life continues regardless of the "break up".

Heavy Weights

I like it, good visuals and story mixed together. Most of the poem is written in a simple style which is easy to understand. There are a few lines that seem too long and the phrasing could be shorten to fit in better w/ the rest.

Like:

Now she’s gone,
I’m left behind.
Our once cherished memories
seared in my mind.

Now she's gone,
I'm left behind.
Cherished memories
seared in my mind.

I tried and failed
at what could not be done.
Now my course is forever altered,
my new life has begun.

I tried and failed
to be what she wanted.
Now my course is altered,
my new life has begun.

Er, poor offerings... But, hope it gets my idea across! =)

I really really like the next to last stanza. I've been there and done that. And have you thought about just taking out the first stanza? Read the rest without it and the poem is more together.

 

[Cyberguy]

Thanks for the feedback Vailyn!

I like it, good visuals and story mixed together. Most of the poem is written in a simple style which is easy to understand. There are a few lines that seem too long and the phrasing could be shorten to fit in better w/ the rest.

I'm glad you liked it. I know what you mean about the phrasing, I'll go back and forth on that stuff, between being too long and being too terse.

I really really like the next to last stanza. I've been there and done that. And have you thought about just taking out the first stanza? Read the rest without it and the poem is more together.

Thanks for the compliment on the next to last stanza, I wasn't sure if people would get it.

I think the first stanza is kind of a prelude to the rest of the poem. There was a second stanza similar to it in nature (the first two I wrote) that did get the ax for not adding anything, so I know what you mean! Actually, I think I have enough discarded stanzas to make another whole poem, lol

 

[alice]

Even an ounce is heavy

I prefer the ounces in chocolate.

SA--

That's poetry. That line is an incredible finish.

alice

 

[Cyberguy]

Even An Ounce is Heavy

I didn't see the mental/emotional pressure interpretation of this.

I saw a woman allowing a man to use her body to get himself off, laying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, "wondering new molding and light fixtures," and ultimately prefering chocolate to the sex she is having in this dying relationship.

 

[Whispersecret]

As Heavy as a Swig of Whiskey by KM

I really liked this poem. I felt wistful for this cantankerous old man who both missed his wife and was angry with her for dying.

Even an Ounce is Heavy by SA Storm
I'm not sure I understood this one. What I thought this was about was a man who was being fucked by some desperate girl and find the whole thing unsatisfying. That her need was too great for him to be able to help. Was that it?

Heavy Weights by Cyberguy

The last stanza messes with the rhythm, perhaps on purpose, since the rest of the poem is consistent. I can see where someone might stray at the end for emphasis. Yet, the "new life begun" seems a little trite. *winces*

I liked this line a lot: "She left a dog/and photographs."

I really liked that dog line and feel like that said something poignant and uncommon. The rest of it, forgive me, wasn't as fresh to me.

 

[SA Storm]

.

 

[Vailyn]

SA

<silly grin> OKay, I could be COMPLETELY off the mark... but could that line that I didn't quite understand be about a new love interest? I mean, its like you guys are right in the middle of having sex, the guy's mind isn't into it, you have her ON you boinkin away, tired of her being a drain emotionally/etc and so you're like, "Well there is this OTHER person I want to be with..."

I went back to read it again. And that thought just popped into my head. I could be completely and utterly off the mark. But... tangents, tangents-- :::goes off whistling:::

 

[Cyberguy]

Thanks for the feedback Whispersecret. I'm glad you liked the dog line Is it the third line of the last stanza that is off rhythm-wise, or the whole stanza?

I'm looking forward to SA's revelation...

 

[Whispersecret]

Thanks for the feedback Whispersecret. I'm glad you liked the dog line Is it the third line of the last stanza that is off rhythm-wise, or the whole stanza?

1 Promises made,
2 promises broken.
3 Final goodbyes
4 left unspoken.

5 She left a dog
6 and photographs.
7 Nights of sex
8 and days of laughs.

9 Now she’s gone,
10 I’m left behind.
11 Our once cherished memories
12 seared in my mind.

I read these first stanzas with 2 beats per line, with a stress on the first beat. Line 11 is a teensy bit forced with "our once cherished" all trying to fit inside the first beat.

13 They say “time heals.”
14 “She’ll fade away.”
15 “Reclaim your life!”
16 “Seize the day!”

17 What they don’t know,
18 I know so well.
19 Her secret struggles,
20 her private hell.

I wasn't sure what "secret struggles, private hell" referred too. I assumed it was some real life reference that I would never get. I had trouble with the repetition of the word "know." Rhythm okay here.

21 I tried and failed
22 at what could not be done.
23 Now my course is forever altered,
24 my new life has begun.

Line 21 keeps the rhythm.
Line 22 tries to fit four words into one beat. Not horribly off, but on the verge.
Line 23 Here's the problem, this time in both beats. Now-my-course(1) is forever altered (2) I feel rushed when I'm saying it.

So, upon review, it's not as off as I had originally thought, but I think with some revision, it could have all been dead on.

And you're quite welcome.

 

[SA Storm]

[No message]

 

[Whispersecret]

Vailyn, Cyberguy, Whispersecret, thank you for your comments I thought the poem was pretty straightforward (back to the drawing board.) The poem is from a woman’s perspective.

You're quite welcome.

Well, don't I feel silly? First of all, I have always assumed SA STorm was a guy, but now I'm not sure. Please clue me in. Because I was running on this assumption, I made the jump to think the poem was being told from the man's pov. That's a mistake I sometimes make.

He was initially as cozy as a blanket with his weight upon her. It was welcomed cherished, the “matching stabs” line was meant to give a clear image of urgent, passionate, lovemaking, and provide a direct link to the “ounces line” in the first stanza. Intending to subtly transfer the weight from physical/external to an emotional/internal image. "Happily taking fractions of ounces. " refers to his ejaculate a welcome feeling of being filled.

Ah. But "stabs" sounds violent to me, and the reference to semen flew right over my head like the stealth bomber.

You were a blanket,
matching urgent stabs.
Needing your passion, your weight
happily taking fractions of ounces.

The stark change in the second stanza is meant to startle,
The “weight” no longer warming is now uncomfortable she is crushed. “Urgent stabs” from the first stanza, have dissolve into “half-hearted groans” in the second.
The “wondering” line is meant to be blunt and cliché.
The final line is simply a metaphor his essence is no longer welcomed; the use of chocolate is a common food substitute for sex. Chocolate is measured in fractions of ounces, as is semen. She no longer desires or values the emotional internal weight. It is a pun a flippant caustic remark to herself.

I see now that the "inside me" was literal. I thought the man was uncomfortable with the internal burden she had on his spirit. Chocolate isn't that insubstantial as to be measured in FRACTIONS of ounces. Personally, I'd rather measure it in pounds.

I thought I pulled this one off, obviously not!

Well, it's not a failure, certainly. Now that you've explained, I see your intentions clearly, and yet, explanations should be unnecessary. On the other hand, who's to say that my interpretation of it is invalid? I still understood the speaker's pain.

 

[Vailyn]

SA

Not really a failure. Your poem has suceeded in being able to be read in the viewpoint of either a woman or man. Personally, I may have an idea of what I want a poem to be when I write, but that doesn't mean that it works out that way most of the time. So. Stop being such a control freak!!! Like my own private revelation when it came to the titling of Monster's Face, your subconscious self was pushing some buttons as well.

So ~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!! Hehe

 

[Cyberguy]

Even an Ounce is Heavy

I got caught up in the fact that SA Storm is a guy too, but couldn't come up with an interpretation other than that it was from the woman's perspective.

I totally missed the semen reference in "your weight happily taking fractions of ounces." I did get "urgent stabs" as sex, conveying not so much passion, but more a self-centered drive to get off.

The explanation of semen as weight in the first stanza makes "I find myself weak, unable to carry your weight" make more sense.

Overall, I do think it works, and I'll give you extra credit for writing from the woman's perspective

 

[Cyberguy]

Thanks again Whispersecret!

Thanks for the breakdown on the beats, I must admit I just go by feel. Would this work better?

21 I tried and failed
22 at what could not be done.
23 My course ever altered,
24 my new life begun.

"secret struggles, private hell" alludes to personal demons, the kinds of things that can make personal relationships difficult. Substance abuse, past experiences such as prior abusive relationships, etc. I hope that helps

I never really considered the two "knows" as a problem, but I expected to get dinged for using "left" three times in the first three stanzas!

I noticed on another thread that you are a stickler for punctuation. Would you be willing to take a look at an unposted poem I have that I have been struggling with in that regard?

 

[Whispersecret]

Re: Thanks again Whispersecret!

Thanks for the breakdown on the beats, I must admit I just go by feel. Would this work better?

21 I tried and failed
22 at what could not be done.
23 My course ever altered,
24 my new life begun.

Yes.

"secret struggles, private hell" alludes to personal demons, the kinds of things that can make personal relationships difficult. Substance abuse, past experiences such as prior abusive relationships, etc. I hope that helps

Yes, I understand. I actually understood that before too, but I guess what I wanted to know was specifics. BUT, I acknowledge that this isn't a story/novel, which is what I'm much more familiar and comfortable with. As a writer of prose, I'm required to give details like this to explain a character's actions and reactions, so my first instinct is to question, "WHAT secret struggles?" so I can understand why she's dumping you. Obviously, that's my personal tendency and has nothing to do with your poem, really.

I hope that made sense.

I noticed on another thread that you are a stickler for punctuation. Would you be willing to take a look at an unposted poem I have that I have been struggling with in that regard? [/B

Absolutely. I'm thrilled that someone cares about punctuation!