Heartache 101

[NomadLady]

Yes, yes I do feel much better. Thanks for bringing your av back!
Why do I hear Seth Rogen's voice saying "FUCK YOU learning experiences"?




Um, Nomad, do we know the same little man or are there just that many jackasses out there? Because I swear I experienced the same thing.

Later today, after I had posted all of this ugliness, I had a great opportunity to discuss much of this with someone who changed my perspective. He gave me some skills to lose the anger. I really appreciated his help and I feel much less vindictive now.
Of course, it didn't hurt that my chat today was with someone who is so fucking HOT that I forgot why I was even bitching.
Thanks Mr. Darcy! (Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent)

Ya know, I'm just not the vindictive type, never have been really. Family and friends tell me all the time that I am "too giving", "too nice", etc but I even though sometimes I have vindictive thoughts I could never bring myself to carry out revenge.

Since I've never done it, I can't help but wonder is it really "that" satisfying or would I just feel incredibly guilty later???

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Yes, yes I do feel much better. Thanks for bringing your av back!
Why do I hear Seth Rogen's voice saying "FUCK YOU learning experiences"?

My dream is to drive cross country with Seth Rogen, and $10,000.

Wait: then, after about a hundred miles, he turns into a beautiful woman. Yeah. That's the dream.


I kind of like where this thread is going. It's becoming less about me and the big fucking snotty raincloud over my head, and more about the concept of heartache and how people are dealing with it. Maybe it will be a cathartic space.

I like that.

 

[NomadLady]

Eight years after my divorce, I decided I just couldn't look at those wedding rings in the jewelry box anymore, I boxed them up and shipped them to a friend who has a friend that is a jeweler. After swapping several emails back and forth using a CAD program to make the design, I settled on this....and a month or so later my friend delivered my new jewelry.
I get compliments on it all the time and I wear it every day. I always wanted a diamond cross necklace, now I have a one of a kind. I also contacted my ex and told him what I was doing, and asked if he would mind writing me a letter as part of this little healing journey. It took a few weeks but he did it and WOW....I was shocked at his regrets and apologies, so in the end. It was a very healing experience.

 

[rekane]

*******

 

[NomadLady]

Funny - that's my dream too! Except he stays Seth Rogen and likes to use a belt.

It is cathartic. Thanks for providing the ground work, I'm just sorry we are all here.



Love it. So much better to reclaim it and make it something of your own.
Nicely done!

So, I have Grey Goose for nomad & cherry garcia for chy.
Anyone else?

Thanks for the Goose....what can we get for you rekane?
well, bedsides Seth Rogan and a belt...

 

[chy_girl]

So, I have Grey Goose for nomad & cherry garcia for chy.
Anyone else?

Cherry Garcia rocks!

That being said, I do believe that tonight is a night to listen to a canvas or two, see what the paints have to say on the subject of lying, manipulative, fucking son-of-a-bitch bastards, and watch them dance to some Black Label Society and Three Days Grace.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Fire is the answer to all woes.

Fire and vodka.

Fire, vodka and chocolate & irish cream flavoured bodypaint.

 

[rekane]

*******

 

[rekane]

*******

 

[NomadLady]

The one thing....

that is becoming more clear to me with each passing day. How could someone state their love, if they can easily toss it away?

It really makes me think it was a very selfish kind of love on their part if they make it contingent on you doing things their way. In retrospect it isn't the kind of love that would have stood the test of time and lasted until we were old and gray.......

It is still painful though to realize all your your efforts to love someone were in vain.

 

[where]

I only just saw this and I'm so sorry.

I'm crap at advice, but if it were me, I'd start a thread asking for self porn off litsters.

 

[chy_girl]

So the anger is mostly done with. Now the happy thought is that the person in question will actually ask me "Are you still angry?" That way I have an open door to explain that no... no, the anger has mostly burned away. Now I'm filled with pitty for them and I'm learning to accept the fact that, as much as I still care - and will probably always care, their actions have shown me how little integrity they actually have and how little of my respect they actually deserve. Then I can sincerely wish them all the health, happiness and prosperity in the world before turning and walking away.

 

[rekane]

*******

 

[chy_girl]

Funny...
I was going to post something similar.

I am in such a better place this evening. I looked at his picture and thought how dead the relationship is, and continuing to go over it is just like fucking with the corpse.

I may be into things that might raise an eyebrow or two, but I am not into necrophilia.

Heartaches ebb and flow. For me, there were just bits of pain and hurt left that needed to get gone. Between good friends and this great thread, I really feel like the last bits have been exorcised.
Thanks everyone!

So, for right now, I think I'm done with venting.

P.S. I will always have some Grey Goose and Cherry Garcia for anyone who needs it.

You've surpassed me, dear. I look at a picture of the person in question and I just want to throw up. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I think that has to do with the fact that, while I've dealt with all the emotion I can surrounding D-type1, I can't seem to be done with all of it surrounding D-type2 because there's still a dynamic between the D-types. One which is very likely to not turn out... pleasantly.

My heart goes out to D-type 1. And knowing things that I really don't want to know and, in all honesty, knowing things I shouldn't know... I'm still working on accepting how much respect I've lost for D-type2. That's a harsh blow, especially after having... accredited D-type2 so much integrity.

Did I mention the whole fucking mess is like watching a train wreck happen in slow motion with no way to stop it? Yeah. It leaves one very heart-sore.

 

[Keroin]

I debated about posting this, but who knows, maybe it will help someone.

Getting over a break up is, essentially, grieving. As long as you are still talking about your ex(s), you're not over him/her/them. Even saying "I am totally over ___! Yay!" is an indication that you are not, in fact, over him/her/them. And that's cool. It's a process and the self talk is part of the process. But you'll know you're really, really over him/her/them when you wake up one day and realize you have neither thought of nor spoken of your ex in months or years. And when you do speak or think of them now, there is no real emotion attached - positive or negative.

One of the best things I learned to help get over those crappy break ups was to not take things personally. (Yes, I know it sounds impossible, hear me out).

My ex husband was a dick and he treated me horribly. For a long time after I finally left, I ranted and raved about his dickishness. How could he treat me like that? I loved him. I was a good person. But then I realized that it wasn't that he was treating *me* like that, he would have treated *anyone* like that. His problems existed before me and after me. I just happened to enter his orbit and so the problems affected me. It really was nothing personal.

And where I felt anger, it then became clear, was not so much at his dickishness, (because, hey, there's lots of that in the world), but at the fact that I had not recognized it or had closed my eyes to the warning signals and the voice in my head. I was ranting about him but the person I was angry at was me.

So I forgave myself for my naivety and my blindness. I came clean with myself about where I failed to look out for my own best interest. I chose methods by which I would minimalize the chances of this occurring in the future. And then I moved on.

This, of course, did not happen over night but when it did boy it felt good.

 

[rekane]

Keroin,
Your perspective is such a healthy one and could apply to any disappointment, not just heartache.

Can you be bottled?

 

[Keroin]

Keroin,
Your perspective is such a healthy one and could apply to any disappointment, not just heartache.

Can you be bottled?

Hmmm...sounds kinky.





Lessons hard learned. My perspective was not always healthy, lol.

 

[shy slave]

I am sorry dge, heartache is Hell. went through it 3.5 yrs ago. Took me 3 yrs to get over him.

During the getting over him part, I had brief flings with men, met complete strangers to give them oral, ate chocolate and bought handbags. Not sure any of those recovery ideas will help you though!

It gets better, it gets easier. Its a bit like going through the stages of grieving.... everyone has been through that, but somehow its intensely personal to you.

One day you wake up and your heart isn't crying.

Ah then you start dating and risking it all over again. Which proves everyone has a masochistic streak!

 

[gypsy*seer]

How about haiku in pig latin?

just cuz, ya' know...

I literally did the 1950's-wronged-woman assault on his things,
actually heaving them out on the front lawn...(what a catharsis!) that is, until the police came by and said that I'd be responsible if anything was stolen!

I'm sorry for your sadness, DGE, but I bet you come out on the other side of this even greener, with a cape or a bat-cave!

 

[AngelBella]

*Pulls up a chair*

Could I get some of that Grey Goose, please? After I take a couple of sips, I will go whip up some sort of cakey yumminess to go with that ice cream

I'm thankful to have stumbled across this thread as I too am in heartbreak hell right now. No desire to go into the gory details but suffice it to say, I truly loved the lying bastard so this has been a nightmare to get through. It is all still pretty fresh.

I am still in that surreal phase. I wake up in the morning just like any other day and then I remember and groan to myself "Fuck my life atm..." hehe Not really funny of course but if I don't laugh, then I cry. When I cry, I feel pathetic and hopeless and I miss him even more. Then I get angry and want to be a vendictive bitch. But I really do not want to go down that path in reality. I am trying to have a modicum of grace if at all possible.

I log onto Lit thinking to myself " I'm going to find some great hottie to talk to tonight! That'll help! YEAH! Fuck him, I don't care about him anymore!" Then the reality hits and I have just came to the conclusion that I am in no shape to even have a meaningless sex chat yet as I still miss the jerk too bad. *sigh* Oh well. I can still enjoy other stuff on Lit to keep my mind busy.

Here's hoping that all of you others who are nursing broken hearts are doing ok tonight. /hugs to you all.

 

[Cattypuss]

I only just saw this and I'm so sorry..

Me too. Has it only just been released in the UK??

So sorry, DGE and the other hurting people.

No advice. Just lots of virtual hugs.

Oh go on, then - a pearl of wisdom from George Herbert - "Living well is the best revenge".

 

[NomadLady]

I debated about posting this, but who knows, maybe it will help someone.

Getting over a break up is, essentially, grieving. As long as you are still talking about your ex(s), you're not over him/her/them. Even saying "I am totally over ___! Yay!" is an indication that you are not, in fact, over him/her/them. And that's cool. It's a process and the self talk is part of the process. But you'll know you're really, really over him/her/them when you wake up one day and realize you have neither thought of nor spoken of your ex in months or years. And when you do speak or think of them now, there is no real emotion attached - positive or negative.

One of the best things I learned to help get over those crappy break ups was to not take things personally. (Yes, I know it sounds impossible, hear me out).

My ex husband was a dick and he treated me horribly. For a long time after I finally left, I ranted and raved about his dickishness. How could he treat me like that? I loved him. I was a good person. But then I realized that it wasn't that he was treating *me* like that, he would have treated *anyone* like that. His problems existed before me and after me. I just happened to enter his orbit and so the problems affected me. It really was nothing personal.

And where I felt anger, it then became clear, was not so much at his dickishness, (because, hey, there's lots of that in the world), but at the fact that I had not recognized it or had closed my eyes to the warning signals and the voice in my head. I was ranting about him but the person I was angry at was me.

So I forgave myself for my naivety and my blindness. I came clean with myself about where I failed to look out for my own best interest. I chose methods by which I would minimalize the chances of this occurring in the future. And then I moved on.

This, of course, did not happen over night but when it did boy it felt good.

Great Advice here Keroin, I did the same thing with my ex (we were married 14 years) but it took several years to get there. It had been 9 years since I'd let anyone in to the point that I would love again. I think you are right about the naivety and blindess since it seems to be the very thing I forgot to use in this relationship for some reason. Maybe because it had been so long and because of all the other stresses in my life, I really NEEDED someone to love, lean on, etc.
Whatever the case, yes, I am angry at me as much as I am at him.

Thanks for your post.

 

[rekane]

*******

 

[Chiara_searches]

Hugs and cranberry orange scones with latte for everyone this morning.

Keroin's advice is really so useful. We cannot change the asshat-ness that always has been, always will be. We cannot change how we endured said asshat-ness, but we can accept our role, our culpability and our task in front of us to move forward, bettering ourselves.

I fell into giving up responsibility for my role in the D/s dynamic. Because, after all, nothing in this was my decision, right? I just did as little man said.
Such a ridiculous line of thought.

I am working on forgiving myself for shrugging off my culpability.

I'm new here, so I hope you take this in the way it's intended. The mere fact that you can look at yourself and say "I was wrong to shrug my culpability" means that the forgiveness already exists in you. You probably already know we grow from mistakes and so I wish I could wave my magic wand for you and have that "working on part" be done with because it sounds like you deserve to be done beating yourself up.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I debated about posting this, but who knows, maybe it will help someone.

Getting over a break up is, essentially, grieving. As long as you are still talking about your ex(s), you're not over him/her/them. Even saying "I am totally over ___! Yay!" is an indication that you are not, in fact, over him/her/them. And that's cool. It's a process and the self talk is part of the process. But you'll know you're really, really over him/her/them when you wake up one day and realize you have neither thought of nor spoken of your ex in months or years. And when you do speak or think of them now, there is no real emotion attached - positive or negative.

One of the best things I learned to help get over those crappy break ups was to not take things personally. (Yes, I know it sounds impossible, hear me out).

My ex husband was a dick and he treated me horribly. For a long time after I finally left, I ranted and raved about his dickishness. How could he treat me like that? I loved him. I was a good person. But then I realized that it wasn't that he was treating *me* like that, he would have treated *anyone* like that. His problems existed before me and after me. I just happened to enter his orbit and so the problems affected me. It really was nothing personal.

And where I felt anger, it then became clear, was not so much at his dickishness, (because, hey, there's lots of that in the world), but at the fact that I had not recognized it or had closed my eyes to the warning signals and the voice in my head. I was ranting about him but the person I was angry at was me.

So I forgave myself for my naivety and my blindness. I came clean with myself about where I failed to look out for my own best interest. I chose methods by which I would minimalize the chances of this occurring in the future. And then I moved on.

This, of course, did not happen over night but when it did boy it felt good.

You are scarily mature, Keroin. You may be an evolutionary leap. (It happens, you know.) Don't let it go to your head.

I am sorry dge, heartache is Hell. went through it 3.5 yrs ago. Took me 3 yrs to get over him.

During the getting over him part, I had brief flings with men, met complete strangers to give them oral, ate chocolate and bought handbags. Not sure any of those recovery ideas will help you though!

It gets better, it gets easier. Its a bit like going through the stages of grieving.... everyone has been through that, but somehow its intensely personal to you.

One day you wake up and your heart isn't crying.

Ah then you start dating and risking it all over again. Which proves everyone has a masochistic streak!

Thank you.

*respectful pause*

Do you have any video of the complete strangers and the oral?

How about haiku in pig latin?

just cuz, ya' know...

I literally did the 1950's-wronged-woman assault on his things,
actually heaving them out on the front lawn...(what a catharsis!) that is, until the police came by and said that I'd be responsible if anything was stolen!

I'm sorry for your sadness, DGE, but I bet you come out on the other side of this even greener, with a cape or a bat-cave!

EVEN GREENER??? Really? Wow.

Cool.

I really, really, really want a Batman costume. A really good one. That I can prowl on roofs with. If I could somehow combine that with some sort of Eco/Green theme (Why couldn't the Green Hornet be about a superhero who recycles?? ), that would trigger a ten minute orgasm.

Me too. Has it only just been released in the UK??

So sorry, DGE and the other hurting people.

No advice. Just lots of virtual hugs.

Oh go on, then - a pearl of wisdom from George Herbert - "Living well is the best revenge".

I need more money to live truly well. I can give my PayPal account to anyone who PMs me.

Hugs and cranberry orange scones with latte for everyone this morning.

Keroin's advice is really so useful. We cannot change the asshat-ness that always has been, always will be. We cannot change how we endured said asshat-ness, but we can accept our role, our culpability and our task in front of us to move forward, bettering ourselves.

I fell into giving up responsibility for my role in the D/s dynamic. Because, after all, nothing in this was my decision, right? I just did as little man said.
Such a ridiculous line of thought.

I am working on forgiving myself for shrugging off my culpability.

Good stuff, rekane.