Hear Any Good Ones Lately?
- Thread starter carrie-on
- Start date
SpiritRaven
Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2001
- Posts
- 90
What's the worst part about eating a vegetable? Picking her up and putting her back in the wheelchair.
Vinny
"Baghdaddy"
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2001
- Posts
- 5,398
carrie-on said:What is the funniest joke you have heard lately?
Have you heard they are going to make a new liquid Viagra?
They are going to call it "Mydixadud".
It will be the first time Man can truly pour himself a stiff one.
Actually the CDC made a generic name for Viagra. It is called "MYCOXAFLOPIN"
JennyOmanHill
trying hard to be mindful
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2001
- Posts
- 11,151
Once upon a time...
On a quiet afternoon, Grandpa sat on the porch of his daughter's house.
3 year old Billy approached him, and asked "Grandpa, tawk like a fog!". Grandpa looked back, puzzled, and said "what did you say?". Again Billy said: "Tawk like a fog.!"
Grandpa just sat there looking confused, and Billy quickly ran back into the house.
A few minutes later, 5 year old Ashley came over and shyly asked: "Grandpa, please talk like a frog." Grandpa laughed thinking that she was translating what young Billy had asked earlier.
This time Grandpa asked Ashley: "Why do you and Billy want me to talk like a frog?".
Ashley replied: "Well, Mommy said we can all go to Disneyland as soon as you croak!"
(Well, I didn't say it was a good one!)
On a quiet afternoon, Grandpa sat on the porch of his daughter's house.
3 year old Billy approached him, and asked "Grandpa, tawk like a fog!". Grandpa looked back, puzzled, and said "what did you say?". Again Billy said: "Tawk like a fog.!"
Grandpa just sat there looking confused, and Billy quickly ran back into the house.
A few minutes later, 5 year old Ashley came over and shyly asked: "Grandpa, please talk like a frog." Grandpa laughed thinking that she was translating what young Billy had asked earlier.
This time Grandpa asked Ashley: "Why do you and Billy want me to talk like a frog?".
Ashley replied: "Well, Mommy said we can all go to Disneyland as soon as you croak!"
(Well, I didn't say it was a good one!)
S
ShamelessFlirt
Guest
2 for one
A quickie ...
Q. What do eatin pussy and the mafia have in common?
A. One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit!
A classic ...
One day I got on the usual bus and when I got in I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl...I sat beside her.
I said "Hi", and she said "Hi" and then I said "Nice day, isn't it"?
And she said "I saw my analyst today and he said I have a problem".
So I asked "What's the problem"?
And she replied "I can't tell you, I don't even know you".
So I said "Sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on the bus".
So she said "My analyst says I'm a nymphomaniac but I'm only attracted to Jewish cowboys, by the way my name is Denise".
So I said "Howdy Denise, my name is Buck. Buck Goldstein"
A quickie ...
Q. What do eatin pussy and the mafia have in common?
A. One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit!
A classic ...
One day I got on the usual bus and when I got in I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl...I sat beside her.
I said "Hi", and she said "Hi" and then I said "Nice day, isn't it"?
And she said "I saw my analyst today and he said I have a problem".
So I asked "What's the problem"?
And she replied "I can't tell you, I don't even know you".
So I said "Sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on the bus".
So she said "My analyst says I'm a nymphomaniac but I'm only attracted to Jewish cowboys, by the way my name is Denise".
So I said "Howdy Denise, my name is Buck. Buck Goldstein"
JennyOmanHill
trying hard to be mindful
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2001
- Posts
- 11,151
If Santa answered his mail
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read
and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can
spell!
Santa
> > > >
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
> > > >
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what u can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in
a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
>>>>
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
> > > >
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
> > > >
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.
Santa
> > > >
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
> > > >
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read
and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can
spell!
Santa
> > > >
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
> > > >
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what u can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in
a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
>>>>
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
> > > >
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
> > > >
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.
Santa
> > > >
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
> > > >
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
captainb
Driving You Mad
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2001
- Posts
- 1,330
The Polish army has decided to help the fight in Afghanistan. Just yesterday, they stormed Bloomingdales because they heard Bed Linen was on the fourth floor.
(Apologies to any Poles out there. I know it's not PC, but it didn't have the same ring by saying "an ethnic army")
(Apologies to any Poles out there. I know it's not PC, but it didn't have the same ring by saying "an ethnic army")
Dragonette
I am Dragon, make me purr
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2001
- Posts
- 6,295
I D ten T
Young Kristin, the editor of our trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away Kristin called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
A puzzled expression ran riot over Kristin's face. "An ID ten T error?"
What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an ID ten T error before?"
"No!"
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
I D 1 0 T
Young Kristin, the editor of our trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away Kristin called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
A puzzled expression ran riot over Kristin's face. "An ID ten T error?"
What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an ID ten T error before?"
"No!"
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
I D 1 0 T
webbo1
nipple spotting expert
- Joined
- Jan 24, 2006
- Posts
- 12,765
Q.... what's the difference between women and spaghetti???
A..... Nothing.......they both wriggle when you eat them
Pierre the famous french fighter pilot of WW1 had taken his lady out for a picnic..... things were going wonderful, Renata asked Pierre for a kiss
He poured red wine on her face
What are you doing you idiot she screamed
I am Pierre ze French Fighter pilot.......when I taste ze red lips I pour on them ze red whine
Some had gotten onto Renata's blouse so she took it off
Oh Pierre suck on my nipples
Pierre pours white wine on them
You imbecile what are you doing???
I am Pierre ze French Fighter pilot when I eat ze white meat I use ze white wine
Again that explanation seemed to satisfy Renata
A bit later both are naked and Renata is breathing heavy
Oh Pierre she moaned eat me
Pierre pours Cognac on her pussy and then lights it
YOU FUCKING MORON WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD ARE YOU DOING she yells putting out the flames
I am Pierre ze French fighter pilot and when I go down .........I go down in Flames
A..... Nothing.......they both wriggle when you eat them
Pierre the famous french fighter pilot of WW1 had taken his lady out for a picnic..... things were going wonderful, Renata asked Pierre for a kiss
He poured red wine on her face
What are you doing you idiot she screamed
I am Pierre ze French Fighter pilot.......when I taste ze red lips I pour on them ze red whine
Some had gotten onto Renata's blouse so she took it off
Oh Pierre suck on my nipples
Pierre pours white wine on them
You imbecile what are you doing???
I am Pierre ze French Fighter pilot when I eat ze white meat I use ze white wine
Again that explanation seemed to satisfy Renata
A bit later both are naked and Renata is breathing heavy
Oh Pierre she moaned eat me
Pierre pours Cognac on her pussy and then lights it
YOU FUCKING MORON WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD ARE YOU DOING she yells putting out the flames
I am Pierre ze French fighter pilot and when I go down .........I go down in Flames
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