head question

[ezgoingcoguy]

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[LallyH]

My wife had a bad experience with giving head to her x's in the past and is more then unwilling to even try on me. Any advice for how to approach the situation or just let it be?

Can you specify what she found distressing about it?

 

[ezgoingcoguy]

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[LallyH]

She felt that she was terrible at it because a guy told her to stop. She fears that I will tell her its terrible and refuses to try.

There's nothing more confidence destroying than being told you're not good at something sexual, so you are going to have to do a lot of reassuring in general to get her trust before you approach this directly.

Would it be possible to talk about it and describe to her how you would like her to do it? Perhaps in a conversation where you ask her to describe something she would like you to do to her? If she's not experienced at it, she may need some actual technical advice to give her confidence to know what to do if she gets the courage to try.

Another suggestion would be to get her to use her hands mainly but let her mouth join in where she felt comfortable, with you lying on your back. She wouldn't feel the pressure of having to do a full performance from start to finish, but it may help to ease her fears?

 

[ezgoingcoguy]

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[tonguedancer]

She felt that she was terrible at it because a guy told her to stop. She fears that I will tell her its terrible and refuses to try.

It actually seems to me that this might be an excuse rather than a reason. Why? If she were criticized by one man about her oral skills, I could understand about being hesitant to be in a situation where whe would be humiliated again. However, if she had, or can develop, a trusting relationship with you and she truly cares about wanting to have the kind of sexual connection you want, she should be willing to try slowly and give it a chance. Perhaps just start by licking you or kissing you and not necessarily taking you in your mouth right away until she feels comfortable.

I once had a girlfriend who sucked cock but was afraid to let me come in her mouth. I didn't force it but let her do it her way for a month or so till she learned to trust me. Then I started by asking her to let me come on her face, then on her closed mouth, and then one time kissed her cum covered mouth. She let me tongue some into her mouth to taste it and gradually she learned to take it directly. It took several months but she finally becaume quite the blowjob expert.

Try to get her to open up as to just what exactly it was about her "technique" that upset her previous boyfriend and see if she's willing to work with you. Telling you she's "afraid to because she was humiliated" is a good way to get your pity whereas telling you she just doesn't like it or, "I don't do that", as one girl once told me, puts her in the position of being the uncooperative cold fish. Make sure her reasons are what she says they are.

If blowjobs aren't that important to you, then you may just have to live without. If they are an important part of your sexual relationships, then you may have to look for a new girlfriend. The only issue is that it will probably reinforce her negative feelings if another guy ditches her because of lack of (or unwillingness to learn) cock sucking skills. You're between a rock and a hard place depending on how much you care for her and how important your own sexual desires are. Good luck. I don't envy you. You could either be dealing with a fragile woman who is looking for understanding or a manipulative woman who just doesn't want to give head and is looking for the "pity" way out. Sorry if that sounds shallow, but I've known a lot of women in my life and I've known both types.

 

[Aphro]

Maybe you could start by just asking her to kiss it? Not put it in her mouth right away...just kiss the head, up and down the shaft, and then once she is comfortable doing that, ask her to add in some light licks with the kisses. Give lots of positive feedback and encouragement while she does it. Hopefully she will gain confidence and comfort level, to the point of being able to do it. If you go down on her, then it is only fair to reciprocate, so I hope she gets over it. Good luck!

 

[seven_of_nine]

Rather than an excuse, as tonguedancer suggests, this sounds like there could be something underlying here that you don't want to mess with. If she's being completely honest about the whole 'being told to stop' thing, then her aversion seems like quite an over-reaction. Perhaps this ex of hers put her down about a lot of other things and has seriously damaged her self confidence. Perhaps something more serious happened to her that she's not willing to talk about. I say this because you should be very careful about encouraging her, rather than start getting resentful because she's 'making excuses.'

Try to find out exactly what she's worried about. There really must be more to this than simply being 'told to stop.'

You married this woman so you've been together a while. She obviously knows this is something you want. Ask her under what circumstances she would be prepared to try and give her complete control over the situation, on the understanding that she can stop at any time. Remind her that you're a lot more trustworthy than her exs and that you'd never do or say anything to hurt her. I don't think it's going to far to ask her how she would feel if you refused to go down on her because of an issue with an ex. Just try not to sound resentful and petulant when you do.

If she does try it...

Remind her that you weren't born an expert at oral and had to develop your technique just as she would. Make sure you're freshly washed down there. Don't physically guide her in any way, in case she's had her head held down before. Give loads of positive feedback and verbal reassurance when she's on the right track. Tell her when you're getting close, so she can choose whether to continue.

If she's ever been forced to give oral more deeply/roughly than she wants to, you're looking at a traumatic event here, an act of violation. Going down on you would therefore be triggering. I'm not saying this has happened to her but as she doesn't have an all out phobia of cock, I'm inclined to think she's been traumatised in some way, even if just through rejection and harsh criticism.

Knowledge is power here, so encourage her to confide in you. You must accept however that it's possible that she will never consent to blow you. You must also accept that you married the woman on those terms.

 

[tonguedancer]

Seven of Nine

I hope you didn't understand my use of the word "excuse". I'm not necessarily saying that she's just holding back on giving the OP what he might like without behing honest about it. He should certainly give her the benefit of the doubt with the hope that she can learn to try to overcome her aversion and that he can help her with the process. However, (big however) I have known women who will play the "poor me" role for as long as they can get away with it whether regarding sex or going to the type of movies I prefer to climbing on my motorcycle. They will make "excuses" rather than just own up to saying, "never going to happen because I don't like it" because they want to hang onto the relationship for some reason other than they're really compatible with you. It could be money, the desire to marry a guy with some sort of benefit she wants, etc. Women are not averse to using their wiles to get their way and aren't always up front about what's really on their mind. I'm not saying ALL women. I'm saying SOME women. Unfortunaely I've known a few who weren't 100% open about their intentions and tried to play me for a sucker. Sorry ladies. That's not a shot at all of you, but you have to admit that women have been known not to play fair all the time. I'm also saying that it's not good to "compromise", but sometimes when compromising, one or both parties still feel "taken advantage of" and those feelings fester over the months and years. Be totally honest and let the chips fall where they may. If it's not ment to be, so be it.

I've been around many, many, too many years. In my later life, I learned to avoid the guessing games going into relationships. I'll say right up front, "This is what I like. This is what I don't like. This is what I need. If you don't agree, let's not waste more time and we'll just move on." The older you get, the less time you want to waste tying to compromise.

 

[summiter1]

Just take it slow and coach her if you feel the time is right.