"Having sex" -- what is it?

[Coltrane]

What constitutes “having sex” to you?

I suspect the answer to this is fuzzier than we might assume. We had a former president who stretched the definition of “having sex,” or so many American said. But kids today probably have a more restricted definition of “having sex” than their parents might like or think. (Personally, I was no different. When I was in high school “having sex” meant something different than the adults of that day might have believed.)

Is there a continuum of amorous behavior? If so, where is the line drawn for you when such behavior becomes “having sex”….??? (I had a female friend once who insisted, “Eating ain’t cheating.”)

An example of the continuum might be –

- eye contact with a smile
- touching (e.g. on the shoulder or a hand in the small of the back)
- hugging
- hugging with full body contact
- kissing
- kissing with tongue contact
- fondling through clothing
- fondling inside clothing (skin contact)
- receiving masturbatory touching
- masturbating the other person
- receiving oral sex
- performing oral sex
- vaginal/anal penetration

So where do you draw the line and say, “That’s having sex”……????

 

[Miyelo Ina]

Since you are asking that question, can I add a question to go along with it? Does cyber sex count as sex? Does phone sex?

 

[Coltrane]

*slapping my forhead*

Miyelo Ina,

A great question/point.

You're right, is cyber-sex or phone-sex really "having sex" is a question with many answers, I'd imagine.

Personally, I put such things in a "masturbatory play" catagory. And would probably not term them as "having sex."

What do you think? *smile*

 

[TN_Vixen]

Hi Coltrane

love your music. (smile) Welcome to the LitBB.

Sex is anything that involves contact with genitals. Mouth on genitals, hands on genitals or genitals on genitals. hehe

 

[Kadee]

How far is over-the-top...

Great questions. When I was younger I used to think "having sex" was when one or the other had an orgasm. No orgasm ~ No sex.

I think I'm still sticking to that theory. When I first started playing online, I thought that cyber sex was cheating and phone sex was actually "having sex." I definitely changed my perspective on that. I think cyber sex is just fun fantasy and no different than masturbation. I think that it is sad to see how many people have to hide their fun from their significant others...(but that's another post entirely). When my boyfriend travels, we sometimes masturbate mutually over the phone, but I definitely don't feel like I have had sex with him, so I no longer consider phone sex as "having sex."

One last thought about cyber sex...Just because cyber sex or phone sex may not actually be "having sex" I still believe that it can be very emotionally damaging to a relationship. I'm lucky because it turns my bf on when I play online and we tell each other everything, but I know that there are lots of people that get in over their heads and have to constantly sneak around. I think it's possible to cheat on your significant other without actually "having sex" with someone else. If I get too involved emotionally with someone I am playing with online and I begin to put too much energy into the relationship ~ I end it because I feel like I am cheating my bf out of the best of me. He should be getting the best part of my energy, not some alias stranger. So eventhough cyber sex may not be considered real sex...I think it can still have some serious consequences.

 

[Coltrane]

*thinking fast*

Hiya, TN_Vixen,

(Nice music is an important thing...*g*)

Lez see now, getting to your point -- so hypothetically speaking, of course), if a woman is inclined to be particularly aroused by lip/tongue/mouth contact with her nipples, and if she were to orgasm from such contact, then that wouldn't be "having sex"...??? (That raises some interesting possibilities.)

 

[Countess DeWinter]

I agree with the sexy TN_Vixen...sex is genital contact either with mouth or genitals. I've heard of numerous incidents where junior high kids are having oral sex since the highest authority in the land said that's not really sex. One of my junior highers tries that....

I agree with your continum though. It has to start somewhere! So, does anyone else have a problem with sustained eye contact? That is an unequivocal come on to me. I find it impossible to sustain eye contact with someone I'm talking to if I don't want to have sex with them.

 

[Expertise]

The Rubicon is crossed with genital contact and the intention of "completion".

Touching your own with intent (cyber/phone sex) or touching your partner/ your partner touching yours with the intent of stimulation or orgasm.

Merely my own definition. Everybody is entitled to their own.

 

[Coltrane]

I agree, Kadee

I agree, that phone sex is fantasy play, masturbatory fantasy play.

I also agree that there are potential emotional risk involved in playing that way.

Great insight.

(Nice to meet you, by the way... *s*)

 

[TN_Vixen]

Re: *thinking fast*

Hiya, TN_Vixen,

(Nice music is an important thing...*g*)

Lez see now, getting to your point -- so hypothetically speaking, of course), if a woman is inclined to be particularly aroused by lip/tongue/mouth contact with her nipples, and if she were to orgasm from such contact, then that wouldn't be "having sex"...??? (That raises some interesting possibilities.)

hmmmm... well, technically genitals are "sexual organs" right? I would consider breasts included in the concept of "genitals" so therefore, YES it would be having sex.. with or without the orgasm. *s*

pssst... hi Countess.

 

[Coltrane]

sustained eye contact -- flirting?

I agree with the sexy TN_Vixen...sex is genital contact either with mouth or genitals. I've heard of numerous incidents where junior high kids are having oral sex since the highest authority in the land said that's not really sex. One of my junior highers tries that....

I agree with your continum though. It has to start somewhere! So, does anyone else have a problem with sustained eye contact? That is an unequivocal come on to me. I find it impossible to sustain eye contact with someone I'm talking to if I don't want to have sex with them.

Hiya, Countess....

Sustained eye contact is a sensual thing, I agree. Holding someone's eyes is sorta like touching them. But do you feel it's much beyond "flirting?"

Just a thought, would you say that sustained eye contact constitutes a kiss of some kind?

 

[Sparky Kronkite]

How about this one?

A mutual discussion takes place (hell, some folks might think that, that discussion itself was "sex") regarding this matter - between two potential partners - the rules are established - and what takes place is this.......

No eye-to-eye contact - but close proimity, mutual nakedness and gazing, at each other'd bodies - upon that nakedness - and then masturbation to completion.

Then no eye-to-eye contact, a zip up and seperation.

Is that sex?

 

[Coltrane]

Intent.... rather than completion

The Rubicon is crossed with genital contact and the intention of "completion".

Touching your own with intent (cyber/phone sex) or touching your partner/ your partner touching yours with the intent of stimulation or orgasm.

Merely my own definition. Everybody is entitled to their own.

Hi, Expertise,

So, "intent" to complete (orgasm) rather than completion itself would constitute "having sex"..??

Interesting point. I'll have to think through that one.

 

[TN_Vixen]

sparky

nonono... no that wasn't sex.

It sounds "sexy" but it wasn't sex.

 

[Coltrane]

masturbating without touching the other, eh?

A mutual discussion takes place (hell, some folks might think that, that discussion itself was "sex") regarding this matter - between two potential partners - the rules are established - and what takes place is this.......

No eye-to-eye contact - but close proimity, mutual nakedness and gazing, at each other'd bodies - upon that nakedness - and then masturbation to completion.

Then no eye-to-eye contact, a zip up and seperation.

Is that sex?

With groundrules established (no eye contact and no touching, just mutual nakedness and self-masturbation), nope, I wouldn't call that sex. That'd sorta be like masturbatory assistance or something.

(Damn, this is getting complicated... *laffin*)

 

[Coltrane]

Re: Re: *thinking fast*

Hiya, TN_Vixen,

hmmmm... well, technically genitals are "sexual organs" right? I would consider breasts included in the concept of "genitals" so therefore, YES it would be having sex.. with or without the orgasm. *s*

I dunno if I would concede that nipples are genitalia. Are they a reproductive organ? (Sustains a baby but doens't contribute to the reproductive process.)

gen·i·ta·li·a (jµn”¹-t³“l¶-…, -t³l“y…) pl.n. The reproductive organs, especially the external sex organs; the genitals.

Therefore, I contend that nipples are out of consideration for "having sex."

I rest my case... *g*

 

[StevenWill]

Sex is?? Infidelity is??

Let me play devils advocate here. I think kissing is sex. Why are we putting our tongues in someone else's mouth? Are we looking for our wallet? When we kiss, blood flows to our genitals and we become hard and wet. My students like to play virginity games, saying that they are pure and haven't had "sex" because they have not had intercourse. I guess the 11 penises they have had in their mouth wasn't really sex.

Infidelity is another matter. I ask myself this. How would my partner feel if they caught me doing something with someone else. Would it not matter if we were just kissing and only matter if our genitals were exposed or we were having an orgasm. I think a kiss can be unfaithful, unless there is already an agreement that we can do that with others. Same goes for cyber sex or phone sex, as Kadee
(who I just fell in love with) says. If it is within the boundries of acceptability established by the partners, then it's ok, or maybe if both partners are present and playing together.

One reason I like to think of kissing as sex is that it reminds me to spend more time on that delicious activity.

My 2 cents and you get what you pay for.

 

[TonyG]

I think the technological aspects of our society has necessitated the definition of sex to be modified. In my opinion there is:

-Physical sex: Which is actual physical stimulation from another person onto ANY body part. Yes, biting someone's ear with the intent of physical stimulation is a form of sex.

-Mental sex: Which is stimualtion of the mind in a sexual manner from another person simultaneously with you(phone, cyber, eye contact, etc.)

-Loving sex: Which is a combination of both of the above

-Self generated sex: Which may result from physical (toys, books, magazines, etc.) or mental (BB's, role playing, phone, cyber, etc.) stimulation.

Physical and mental sex can have 'feelings' involved which can cause problems for some people. The decision as to which is right or wrong, good or bad is up to the individuals involved and their particular societal and religious beliefs.

 

[Ambrosious]

Sex to me is when you make a connection to someone like you have with your sig. other. Therefore, phone sex, and cyber does qualify. Also flirting, when taken to far, you know when that happens. Seems like we are talking about infidelity here, so anytime I even come close to the same feelings I have for the FantasyGoddess, I run like hell.

No one will get into my mind like she does, I won't let them.

 

[TN_Vixen]

Coltrane

hehe. Ok but you asked for MY definition not Websters. I consider the breasts to be genitals. Therefore I rest my case.

*grin*

 

[Kadee]

Very Technically Put Tony...

That just totally sums it up...And I agree with the devil's advocate...Kissing=Sex...I have had a couple incredible orgasms from a really great kiss!!

 

[Coltrane]

the QUESTION, or so they think

Let me play devils advocate here. I think kissing is sex. Why are we putting our tongues in someone else's mouth? Are we looking for our wallet? When we kiss, blood flows to our genitals and we become hard and wet. My students like to play virginity games, saying that they are pure and haven't had "sex" because they have not had intercourse. I guess the 11 penises they have had in their mouth wasn't really sex.

Infidelity is another matter. I ask myself this. How would my partner feel if they caught me doing something with someone else. Would it not matter if we were just kissing and only matter if our genitals were exposed or we were having an orgasm. I think a kiss can be unfaithful, unless there is already an agreement that we can do that with others. Same goes for cyber sex or phone sex, as Kadee
(who I just fell in love with) says. If it is within the boundries of acceptability established by the partners, then it's ok, or maybe if both partners are present and playing together.

One reason I like to think of kissing as sex is that it reminds me to spend more time on that delicious activity.

My 2 cents and you get what you pay for.

Hi,

Your students are geared to the question as I posed it -- "Having sex" with someone is to most people intercourse (of some kind, vaginal or anal).

They avoid the label and remain virginal if they skirt (pun only slightly intended) the issues and don't "do the big nasty."

Infidelity, as you say, can be a whole 'nuther question... *s*

 

[Countess DeWinter]

Re: sustained eye contact -- flirting?

Just a thought, would you say that sustained eye contact constitutes a kiss of some kind?

hi Coltrane

It's not hard to see how this sort of eye contact could be perceived as a kiss of sorts (not as good as the real thing...).


...pssssst! TN_Vixen...*kiss*

 

[Latina]

I'm not sure I have a definitive answer. But the timing of your question is an odd coincidence, as last week I put together a photo sequence of start-to-finish romance/sex, as a way to collect all my favorite photos into one "photo-story":

http://www.geocities.com/latina_author/temp/sequence.html

To me, the point in this sequence where it becomes sex is where you expose normally-hidden erogeneous zones to each other, and start touching each other in those places. But that is just MY opinion.

-- Latina

 

[Never]

Forget all of that -- lets skip to the important question: When (exactly) does a lesbian loose her virginity?

As for kissing being sex, I kiss my mother all the time, I'm still a virgin.