having a conflict

[kazuyal]

I have a feeling I know what the most logical answer will be. At the same time, it doesn't appear to be that easy for me.

I have a boyfriend which I have been living with for the last 8yrs. The past 2yrs I found someone else that makes me feel the way I have never felt in my life. Never thought I would feel. Actually makes me feel the way a woman should feel, would want to feel with the one she loves.

I have tried to break it off with this other dude *the 2yr one* twice now, yet something keeps pulling me back to him. I seriously can not let him go. This last time I broke it off, I have been doing some serious thinking. If I was to leave my bf would I be doing the right thing, would it be totally and utterly out of pure lust.. Little things like that. And recently, I've been questioning my love i have.. or thought I had.. for my bf. I'm not even totally certain I loved him from the start, I thought I could learn to love him. Then I met this other dude and everything went to hell. Well, emotionally it did...

Now, I'm thinking of .. I guess it's the only word... of testing.. my bf. I am working now, in reality I'm in no position to leave him. I dont want to leave then just move in with another dude, been there, doen that, that's how I ended up here in the first place. I want to be smart about it if I leave him. Thing is... After 8yrs... How do I leave him? He has been nothing but good me, he is seriously a good man... I just.. well.. don't feel that connection.

Your probably wondering what I mean by testing him.. Well, I want to take him out more. Take him camping, rent out cabins, pay for little drives perhaps stay the night in motels and such. Nothing serious, I just want to get a real good feel about things. I already know how he is like when we do this, but he's always done the buying and spending the money... Now it's my turn to treat him. In all out honesty, I feel as if I just simply owe him for the last 8yrs. But if his attitude changes with this little test... Then I don't know what to do. I care for him a great deal, though with this other dude, I feel like I met my soul mate... And I never thought that was possible....

 

[jerseyman1963]

Testing him sounds cruel. After 8 years, you should know the answers to anything you could "test" him on. Since you've known this other man for 2 years already and the feeling is not fading, it doesn't sound like that's a passing phase either.

If you're going to leave Man 1 for Man 2, just do it, be as kind and humane as possible, but just do it. If you owe Man 1 anything, it's to be truthful and as straightforward as possible. Nobody likes to be broken up with, but if that's the way you feel, then that's the way you feel, and you should just get on with it. Don't string him along and make it worse.

If you're concerned you're leaping too quick, then you could always take time off in between, and tell Man 2 you're not leaping right from #1 to #2, you're going to take some time to collect your thoughts and emotions.

Confusing situation, but if we didn't have confusing situations, half the great love songs and most of the great plays that have ever been written would never have been written. Follow your heart with courage and in the end it'll all work out.

 

[kazuyal]

Yea, I totally agree with you. I know testing sounds cruel and cold hearted. It was just the only word that I could come up with. I guess the reality of it is with that area, I want to see for myself if there is really anything there left. Our situation right now, it's pretty depressing for both of us, for the last 5 yrs I've been dependent completly on him and I think that plays a big part in how he feels. I guess you can say i'm actually testing myself more than I am him.

And honestly, taking time out is part of the plan. Which is why I'm in no position to really leave right now. I've only started this job, don't have nearly enough saved to move on my own. Also I'm looking for a career change, so I want to get that going very soon. As it stands now though, less I move in with mom and pops, *which they don't have the room*, I don't have much of a choice than to stay in the present time. I hate to think of it that way..

I don't know... I don't even know what I'm really asking here. Just stuff that's clouding over my head. Guess I'm looking for some reassurance or something, I feel so lost it isn't funny. I'm tired of feeling that way, feeling trapped. I want to take the time out for myself, just when the time comes, I don't know how to explain to my bf. Clearly I won't tell about the other dude, it would just make things harder.

Wish I was an wild animal or something... to many emotional stuff being a human.. hehe..

 

[emap]

Well first off, I don't think your wanting to test out your current live in boyfriend, I would say it's more a case of trying to get the fire started again. Granted you didn't say anything about your sex life, but that is what it sounds like.

Now as for the second guy, are you sure you care for him or is it just a starting out relationship thingy? I mean, do you see his flaws and quirks, or are you just fawning over what you think he is like?

Personally, I think your just fawning over him, why you want to try things with your live in and see if you want to stay or not.

Now I got a kicker for you, do you have a second bedroom? Or how about a friend you can stay with for a short period? See the thing about taking time for yourself, doesn't have to be you off alone away from your boyfriend, though it does help. If you have a spare bed somewhere, sleep in it, that alone will tell you if your boyfriend rocks your world or is just a handy cock and pillow.

No seriously, if your wondering about your boyfriend, sleep in a different bed from him. If your really into him, you will have a problem sleeping and you will think of him on you and laying next to you. If that doesn't happen, he's not rocking your world.

 

[kazuyal]

haha I like how you said all. And yes, I have thought about that too. Which is one of the other reasons I don't want to move in with the other dude, if I leave my bf. I only see what little I see when I was with him, I don't know him outside of that.

In the long run, you are right though, I am wanting to see if I can restart that fire. Which is where I was going with the little *test* theory. As for friends, or spare bedroom... Nadda.. I live with a house full of people. I've been a hermit for quite sometime. Mainly because I know myself to well.. And well.. being a hermit still got me in this mess.. Can't win..

I have even gone so far as thinking about going back to az and stay with my best friend for while. I think at this point though, I really need to be out on my own. The more I think about it, the more I need my own space, stop depending on other people so much. Sadly though, I seriously don't think my bf will understand that. I'm just not sure how to make it work with my bf anymore. I have told him how I have felt a number of times, I know deep down he wants to try, yet he still does nothing to help improve things. There's just a bunch of little things, and the sex really isn't that grand. Anymore it feels like a wam bam thank you mam, there's no real feeling to it. It's hard to get in the mood with him sometimes, hell sometimes it's hard to get him in the mood. It's not just about that though, we really don't talk anymore, it's hard as hell to get him out and spend a little time with me.

Like I said, it's just a bunch of things. It makes it hard when you just simply don't feel anything there anymore, and the partner won't understand that. I don't know how I'm gonna tell him, or when the time comes, should I just simply disappear? He doesn't even understand now how or why I feel the way I do, he doesn't see it. I'm wondering if I should just give him a wake up call and simply disappear for while. Not even sure that would work.........

 

[Starbuck69]

kazuyal, just leaving would give him a wake up call for sure, but it will also make him very upset and hurt and is very likely will end the two of you being together.

Speaking from a guys point of view and seeing how I did go thru some thing like this as far being in your bf side any ways it is much worse if he finds out with guy #2 while the to of you are still together, that is what happend to me, my ex was with some one else while she was still with me, and even 20 years later I still have a hard time letting the hurt and angure go.

I think you have a lot of thinking to do and to do that perhaps you need to have some time away from both guys even if it is in another room or a friends place. If you are confused or depressed because you feel trapped or what ever your bf will sence it but not understand it or have any clue what to do about it, but it will make him down as well.

Also you said that your bf just doesn't understand, well that can be very true, and not because he doesn't want too it just that as a guy we just dont get it most of the time or we just dont know what to do to fix it no matter how much we want to, that is why if you just tell him what you need and also tell him what you need him to do that Im sure he will do it and the two of you just may be able to rekindle the fire.

Your bf and you have been together a long time, and there most be a reason for that and some thing must have happend for the two of you to feel this way and to be having these problems.

So basically as a guy we are for the most part clue less unless we are told what is going on and then told what we need to do, that a guy we fix things but we cant fix it unless we know what to fix and also how.

I hope this helps, but do yourself and every one else a favor and dont string any one a long and be honest with yourself and guys, you do need to be happy and if you are not happy then neither will the guy that you are with.

 

[EJFan]

testing is a bad idea. doing something like that, to me, seems so covert. if you don't have feelings for this b/f, leave him and you'll be doing you and him a huge favor. the longer you draw these things out the worse and more damaging they become.

you've moved from one cohabitation situation to another... and contemplating a third? nope. that's not good. go be your own person for a while. have a relationship if you want but you don't have to jump into living together. my gut's telling me that you haven't felt what it's like to live your own life for a while. go do that.

recovering from a mistake (in love, with money, or whatever) is never easy. the fact that it's hard is what helps us to not make the same mistake again. if you're not certain about your relationship with your b/f that's reason enough to at least put some distance between yourselves.

i feel like you need to figure out who you are and what you want. you're not going to get that done when living with someone. do whatever you need to do to be independent then decide who you want to share your time & space with. stay with the b/f, dump the b/f, sleep with and date half the guys in your county... doesn't matter... i think the bottom line here is to figure out how ou're going to function on your own for a significant amount of time and do it.

 

[SweetErika]

And honestly, taking time out is part of the plan. Which is why I'm in no position to really leave right now. I've only started this job, don't have nearly enough saved to move on my own. Also I'm looking for a career change, so I want to get that going very soon. As it stands now though, less I move in with mom and pops, *which they don't have the room*, I don't have much of a choice than to stay in the present time. I hate to think of it that way..

I know you're hurting, and I don't want to increase your pain, but I think it's important to be honest. Quite frankly, it sounds like you're staying for very selfish reasons. You've got someone to support you while YOU start your career, YOU save money, YOU make career moves and YOU make life decisions. On top of that, YOU'RE having needs met by another man without your bf's consent.

Your stuff is making it stresfull for him. What if he wants to be saving money, make a career change or put his resources into someone who will love and support him? What if he wants monogamy, honesty, respect and love from his partner? Your behavior--staying with him to be supported while cheating--is robbing him of the opportunity for all of that. You're having your cake and eating it too, while he's not getting any cake.

My point is that you said he was a good man, and it sounds like that's probably the case, so doesn't he deserve to be treated like one, like someone you love and respect? I'm not saying you should stop seeing the other guy, simply that if you're choosing to be with #1, you need to choose to treat him at least as well as he's treating you (hopefully better). Doing so necessitates either working out an agreement about seeing other people or breaking up with him.

For the financial part, get roommates, put your career change on hold for a bit, work a second (and maybe third) job, move in with other family members or friends temporarily... Do whatever it is you'd do if your bf kicked you out or died tomorrow; whatever it takes to survive and then save so you can strike out on your own. Who knows, maybe he'll want to help you get out on your own.

Basically, be an adult, which means being responsible toward yourself and others. You both deserve that.

 

[EJFan]

I know you're hurting, and I don't want to increase your pain, but I think it's important to be honest. Quite frankly, it sounds like you're staying for very selfish reasons. You've got someone to support you while YOU start your career, YOU save money, YOU make career moves and YOU make life decisions. On top of that, YOU'RE having needs met by another man without your bf's consent.

thank you, SE, for saying more plainly what was in my head but i couldn't seem to articulate clearly. a good observation, IMO.

 

[kazuyal]

That's what I am doing. As I said, right now, I seriously do not have a choice than to stay. I'm working a shitty job, going to school so I can get a better job. I have already said that I don't have friends to turn to less I go back to a state where I really don't want to go back to. I already live in a house full of room mates. This career change is what I totally need which is why I'm doing it.

As for him, I know his situation and I haven't been seeing that other guy for a year now. In truth, yes, I am being selfish I know I am. At the same time, it's pretty much my time to be. Not the with the cheating deal, I know it's not cool for that. But has EJFan said, I have never been my own person, living on my own, being independant for a change. Which is what I'm working towards now. I just don't know how to make my bf understand that.

He knows how I feel and knows what I want, I don't know what he wants or feels though. There is no real communication between us. Anyway... I guess threw all this I've pretty answered my own question. Helps to write things out and see it that way. And shockingly, I am being an adult about all this, well, the decesion in leaving anyway. If I wasn't, I'd leave right now and just simply move with the other dude, but that will just bring me right back where I started. I need that small little thing called $$$$ and a place to go to in honor for me to leave. I've been saying I have no where to go to, otherwise I seriously wouldn't be doing what I'm doing.

 

[MR.GGG]

""and I haven't been seeing that other guy for a year now.""

And this other guy has a knot tied in it waiting for you to come back? What? This is getting confusing.

I think you should leave the other guy out of this whole equation. You are NOT happy with your long term friend and know there IS something better out there. If you can find it again good but either way you should be honest with your bf. Rekindling the spark may work but you've got this "ideal" in your head now and nothing less will not satisfy you in the long run.

I agree with several other posts. Your bf may feel an emptiness to the relationship and want to get on with his life, invest his money and otherwise agree to go your separate ways. NOT telling him may be the practical solution to your $$$ problems but will, in the long run, just cause that much more pain and resentment when you do split for your long departed Knight.

 

[5pintshefound]

That's what I am doing. As I said, right now, I seriously do not have a choice than to stay. I'm working a shitty job, going to school so I can get a better job. I have already said that I don't have friends to turn to less I go back to a state where I really don't want to go back to. I already live in a house full of room mates. This career change is what I totally need which is why I'm doing it.

As for him, I know his situation and I haven't been seeing that other guy for a year now. In truth, yes, I am being selfish I know I am. At the same time, it's pretty much my time to be. Not the with the cheating deal, I know it's not cool for that. But has EJFan said, I have never been my own person, living on my own, being independant for a change. Which is what I'm working towards now. I just don't know how to make my bf understand that.

He knows how I feel and knows what I want, I don't know what he wants or feels though. There is no real communication between us. Anyway... I guess threw all this I've pretty answered my own question. Helps to write things out and see it that way. And shockingly, I am being an adult about all this, well, the decesion in leaving anyway. If I wasn't, I'd leave right now and just simply move with the other dude, but that will just bring me right back where I started. I need that small little thing called $$$$ and a place to go to in honor for me to leave. I've been saying I have no where to go to, otherwise I seriously wouldn't be doing what I'm doing.

so, your staying with him, so you can have a roof over your head, and food on your table...so he can support you during a change in jobs?? didi read all that right??? areyou still sleeping with him? do you tell him 'i love you' etc etc? if your still having a romantic relationship, and yet your yearning for some guy that you HAVENT spoken to in a YEAR??? does your current so know that your not happy ,a nd your planning on moving on in the relationship??? is that what your calling adult?

im confused....

~5PHF

 

[kazuyal]

Forget it... it's clear that my words are getting twisted around and the wrong ideas are getting formed. Go ahead and think what you will of me.. If me getting on my feet and getting a career change, is what you call selfish, then sure i'm being selfish in that form. But the more I say something, another thing gets twisted.... So.. yea...

Thanx for the replies,

 

[EJFan]

Forget it... it's clear that my words are getting twisted around and the wrong ideas are getting formed. Go ahead and think what you will of me.. If me getting on my feet and getting a career change, is what you call selfish, then sure i'm being selfish in that form. But the more I say something, another thing gets twisted.... So.. yea...

Thanx for the replies,

if your words are getting twisted, please restate the situation. speaking for myself, this is my impression:

1. you're living with a guy who you're not sure you're in love with.
2. you got there because you were living with a guy you wound up not being in love with.
3. there's a "new" guy you think you might be in love with and you've been seeing him on and off for a couple of years.
4. you don't have the resources to leave your current living arrangement.
5. you're conflicted as to where your heart lies and don't know what to do about your relationship & residence.

maybe i'm wrong. if so, please correct my impression.

if this is accurate, this is why i said that emerging from these bad decisions isn't easy. if it was easy to recover from something like this we'd make the same errors time and time again. it could very well be that you'll have to live with a friend or relative while you finish your education and start your career. i think that living with another boyfriend (regardless of which, if either, of these men you date) is going to bring you to the same place you are presently. however you acheive it, i think you need to form this improved life you're working toward as an individual, not as part of a couple... and that's regardless of whether any of my interpretations of your story are correct or not.

 

[kazuyal]

Ya know, i've been thinking about it. No, my words were not getting twisted around. Do you guys not think that I'm already feeling shitty about this? Do you not think that I know what I'm doing is making me feel bad as it is, that I don't know what I'm doing? That I don't know what I'm doing wrong? Of course I do, I didn't need nor wanted to get more rubbed in my face. That's all you did, was rub more of it in my face and made me feel even shittier.


No, I'm not going to put my career on hold, I'm old enough that it's time for me to get what I want from that area. I do not know how the hell that is selfish. If I keep putting things like that on hold, I'm going to get no where depsite who I am with. As for the other dude, it doesn't matter what you think he feels, I know how feels and I know what he was willing to do, still is willing to do. My current bf, of course I'm considering his feelings, I know how he feels to... or at least how much he lets me know... We have been together for 8 friggen years, how can I not care about how he feels or what he wants?

All my life I have been doing shit to make other people happy, I'm feeling sick about what I'm doing now behind my bf's back. But you know what, at this point, I feel it's my turn to be happy for a change. For once things are actually going my way. No, I'm not talking about the whole cheating thing. I have no friends, I have no life, I did that for my bf and sadly, somehow, that still didn't work. I know myself far to well and so to protect him, I put myself in a little hole and ignored people. I still don't know how I failed, but I'm here now, on a path I didn't think nor wish to return to. And yet, all any of you did was make me feel worse about it. I feel bad enough that I've been crying when I'm not around him, it is my every friggen thought. It kills me to know all the shit that you pointed out and rubbed in my face all the more.

I Have a plan now, sadly though, it has no choice to wait till Feb. I'm seriously not a bad person and you guys made it seem like I was. I am full of heart, I care for others more than I do myself half the time. I know my situation, I know their situations, I know how bad it all came out in these last posts. But I didn't need it get rubbed harder in my face, that's all I got. I am not a coldhearted twitt that this thread made me seem like I was. I'm just simply lost as to what path to take at this point, sadly now, I see all I'm going to get is judged here.

Again... Thanx for what little advice I did get out of this. There was some that I'm going to take.

Kaz....

 

[Eilan]

Again... Thanx for what little advice I did get out of this. There was some that I'm going to take.

Some of the advice you got was good. Sorry that you didn't get the validation you were seeking.

 

[Cathleen]

Kazuyal, first off, welcome to Lit. I'm sorry you are feeling badly about what you've heard here. Please remember words on a screen are incapable of voicing tone, inflection etc.

I've been thinking about this for a few days. I read your first post and the first thing that came to my mind was this is an issue of self-dependence and money actually.

For me it is extremely difficult to accept money, and some other basic needs as a human. I have had to deal with this issue head on recently due to health issues. I cannot stress enough how hard it is for me and to what lengths I went to in an attempt to avoid some things.

I read all the posts here but I still come back to self-reliance. It hurts very much inside when we're not able to care for ourselves. But in my experiences in the last six plus years have been the catalyst for so much personal growth.

I hear in your words you are now making a little money and want to give back to your boyfriend, in the way(s) you can and in ways you know he will enjoy. Good on you for that and I hope you will do some of those things. I know in my case when I can do or give something to those who've helped and cared for me, I do it. The values of these things can't be measured or balanced equally per se, but inside to be able to give something to the other is immeasurable.

As for the other person, I can't say much except leave him out of your life for the next while. You mentioned you hadn't seen him in a year, but he is definitely still in your mind and heart... I'd tread carefully.

I think the first thing is to get you to feel on level ground with regard to you sense of worth and self-reliance. Feeling unbalanced is tough on us individually and most certainly can do a number on our relationships. I hope things can begin to level off for you Kazuyal.

 

[SweetErika]

It sounds like you feel so terrible because you're not happy with what you're doing. No one here has rubbed anything in your face; we've clarified the situation and given opinions/advice that YOU asked for based on your posts here. In turn, you accused us of twisting your words and are now accusing us of "rubbing it in your face" and "making you feel shittier."

To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, NO ONE can make you feel bad without your consent. You're seeing what you want to in our posts because you know you're not acting with integrity and being selfish by using your bf to pursue what you want while misleading him.

If you want to feel better, do the right thing instead of seeking validation to alleviate your guilt.

 

[jerseyman1963]

Kazuyal,

One of the dangers of posting a really, really personal and emotionally complicated question here is that you are going to get a huge variety of answers. Some of them you'll want to hear, some of them you won't. Some of the answers will be on point, some of them won't. Some of them will be objective, from people who have been down your road, and some of them will be subjective because the person answering will bring their own baggage and preconceptions to the party.

Don't take it personally. Cherry pick what you need and what makes sense to you from everyone, and politely pass on the rest of us.

Reading through your posts, the overall picture I get is that you are unhappy with the way your life is right now, and you want to make a change. It sounds like you are uninspired, and feel like you're living your life for everyone BUT yourself, and you would like to change that.

It will be complicated and perhaps painful at times, but I say go for it. The people that love you and care about your own well being will find a way to understand and mainain their relationship with you. The people that don't get it... well, they'll eventually fade into the distance.

I think honesty is the best policy here, even when it's painful. Regarding your situation wth your BF, I couldn't help but think about an old girlfriend who broke up with me and seriously broke my heart right on the eve of us moving in together. She had a lot of reasons why she had to break up with me, and they were all about me. It took me a few years to get some perspective and put the pieces of the puzzle together, and what I eventually figured out, from replaying a thousand conversations, was that she was not ready for a permanent relationship at that time. She still had things she wanted and needed to do for herself - get her career going (as opposed to just waitressing for money), have a home of her own, live on her own (no family, no roommates)... essentially, become her own person before hitching her wagon to someone again.

We were good together, but it was just the wrong time. And instead of saying that to me, she made something up, because I guess it was easier to get worked up about little things and use that as an excuse to break up than it was to just come right out and tell me why -- or, alternative theory, she wasn't emotionally capable or aware enough yet to articulate the truth to herself, let alone to me.

Contrast that with a woman who once broke up with me by saying that she thought I wasn't necessarily interested in her per se, she thought I was just looking for someone, anyone. That hurt too, but she spoke the truth, and you know what? The hurt went away in just a few days, because it was the truth, and I knew it. I have always felt a real debt of gratitude to anyone like that who speaks the truth instead of just jerking me around (and that goes for friends, work and family as well as relationships).

So, what I am suggesting, is that it seems like you already know in your heart and in your gut what you want and need right now - your own life, a home of your own, some time for yourself. Go and make it happen. Pick up and move to your friend's in AZ if that's what it's going to take to make the change. But do it. If your BF is mature, he will be hurt, but he'll get over it, and eventually he will see that you had to do what was good and right for you. If he respects that, he'll remain your friend, and maybe you'll be together again in the long run. if he doesn't, he wasn't worth keeping.

I bet two things happen. One, I bet your BF is as uninspired as you are, and is wrestling with his own issues about what to do about it. Two, when you start clearing out your head and life, when you start dealing with each issue one by one, you will start to feel better and more focused... each issue you solve for the moment will free up some brain and emotional power to concentrate on the rest of it.

As for this other guy, I suggest swearing off relationships for the moment, and just concetrate on you and the rest of your life. Take a time out from relationships. Clear your decks of unnecessary crap that's clouding and over loading your mind, work on the other stuff, and then one day someone will fall in your lap when you are least expecting it to, and it will be good because you'll have worked all this other stuff out that has nothing to do with relationships. Go out on dates when the fancy strikes you, but don't get involved, and don't sleep with them. Just make it clear you are not getting involved right now because you have other stuff to do. Giving yourself that mental breathing space really helps.

Apologies for writing a long winded novella here.