Haven't written for a while...

[litchipking]

Life has gotten in the way of my hobbies lately. I've popped in occasionally to comment on a story, however, my writing has stalled. But when a friend of mine told me about her doctor's visit it inspired this little story. No, it is not a true story. Otherwise I would have began with, "This is a true story." Her visit and comments just got the wheels spinning.

It is a light little tale that I've tried to inject with some humor. I would like to know from you guys if it works. It is also the first time I've written in the first-person (something I've warned other about trying). I decided to speak with a female voice because that is how the story developed in my head.

It's not really serious or really long. I did try to capture some true emotions and turn a phrase or two. I would love to hear what you all have to say. I have learned so much from reading the comments posted on the forum.

Thanks in advance for the time.

Chip King


Michelle: The Doctor's Visit

 

[Darkniciad]

Here's the simple code for that, using your link:

[story=405408]Michelle: The Doctor's Visit[/story]

and, the result

Michelle: The Doctor's Visit

The "story" BB tag is unique to Lit. All you need is the Lit ID# from the end of your story URL.

Will give you a read in a minute

=============

EDIT: AFTER THE READ

I think you could have given this a bit more impact by splitting it up like this:

...has made me crave it.

Long for it.

Ache for it.


I would switch up all the spots where you have all-caps for emphasis with italics, instead.

stained with the knowledge that we not only has it been

Gotta love it when you change your mind about something and a word gets left behind, huh? My editor catches these on me all the time.

You can always fix it in an edit -- no biggie. If you need a play-by-play on the Lit process to edit an existing story, just give me a yell.

I don't what to blush.

There's another one to iron out in an edit.

"melt chain mail" pulled me out of the female voice a little. I don't know what I would replace it with, but it sounds a little too masculine to me.

"slit" at the top of the second page gave me the same feeling, but that may just be personal prejudice *laugh*

Note to self: "cusp" is one of those words you've been looking for in the back of your brain *laugh*

Thanks for that one. I've been driving myself nuts trying to dig through my old drawers full of vocabulary for useful words.

I think you could have skipped the italics for the switch from first-person to third. Give it a longer scene break -- perhaps even a multi-line one -- and I think the reader will get the transition without much problem.

I like the use of that switch, too.

Overall, it's hot. There are a lot of places where I would use em dashes instead of semicolons, and a lot of places where I would add commas to make it a bit easier to read.

The female voice came out pretty well to me, although I pictured her as mid-twenties from the voice, and from the exchange with the Doc, I think you have her a few years older than that.

It does the trick for me... and now I need to go back and vote for it, because my silly ass just closed the window *laugh*

 

[litchipking]

Thanks Dark

*bump*

And a thank you to Darkniciad for your comments. You were dead on with your insight. I am already making the few changes you suggested. Thanks for taking the time.

Also, just like to cast out my line one more time. I would still love to hear anything new from the many talented authors/editors/readers out there. Worked / didn't work. Liked / didn't like.

I promise I won't beg again.