Have a BDSM Joke? Post here (please)

[esclave_PP]

Everyone on earth dies and goes to heaven God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."



Hear about the prostitute who was into bondage? She was strapped for cash.



Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."


Q: What's the difference between Sensuous and Kinky?
A: Sensuous they use the feather,
Kinky they use the whole chicken.


Warning - A really bad riddle:

Q: Why did the submissive cross the road?
A: Because her Master told her to

 

[esclave_PP]

You know your kinky when...

You know you are kinky when ...

... You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, "Cool! I've always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!"

... Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to.

... You give a new song a rating of 65....it's got a good beat and you can squirm to it.

... You start to salivate and get aroused as you pass the local candle factory.

... You always smell like Yankee Candle's Scent-Of-The-Month.

... Caning season gets you *really* excited.

... You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you think to yourself, "Gee, some people are BLATANT about being out."

... You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you stop to see if the poor Dom/me needs a PERSON to cane.

... Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don't own a horse.

... You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area's Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.

... Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about.

... Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like "Exit to Eden" than anything they showed on TV.

... They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at *four* local leather shops.

... You need an 18-wheeler to haul all your toys to a party.

... Your son's Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.

 

[esclave_PP]

The top ten reasons nipple rings are a GOOD idea:

#10. You gain a new and much higher threshold for pain.

#9. You have more than just your purse to keep from losing your car keys.

#8. With a little body english and a short copper wire, you can pick up
pay-per-view if the weather is right.

#7. You can now jump car batteries without cables.

#6. With only a spinning table and spot light you can earn extra cash
renting yourself out to Club parties.

#5. Those nasty stretch marks are no longer the center of attention for
your husband or boyfriend.

#4. You always have a ready replacement if you lose your wedding ring.

#3. Every elf in the universe is now your loyal friend for life.

#2. Hanging ten is childs play. Hanging by two?? Now thats impressive!

#1. Hard vibrators can be "way more" than a girl's best friend.

The top ten reasons nipple rings are a BAD idea:

#10. Perpetual delays at airport security scanners.

#9. Potential law suits from elderly people with pacemakers.

#8. A friend asks to see your ring and in a blonde moment you almost do it.

#7. For some reason, combs will seem like threats.

#6. Mud wrestling as an occupation is no longer an option.

#5. Cats and babies are attracted to shiny things.

#4. You'll now have to deal with Velcro nightmares.

#3. The aging process has taken on a whole new meaning.

#2. Skinny dipping is a real challenge because of your artificial lures.

#1. Lightning... it's not just something that happens to other people
anymore.

 

[esclave_PP]

Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear a sub say to their Master

How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to put your leather pants in the washer?
Yeah, right... SPANK THIS!
Tomorrow night, I get to tie you up, right?
God, you Dom's think the world should bow before you!
And just what do you think you are going to do with that paddle?
Sorry, I got a date tomorrow night. Some other time, perhaps?
Spanking? I-THINK-NOT!
Who died and left you in charge?
Do your own damn laundry!

And the #1 thing you will never hear a sub say to their Master...

What do I look like, your maid?

 

[esclave_PP]

Warning, bad joke

A young couple were making passionate love in the back of the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Whip me! Big Boy, Whip me!!!" The guy not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, snaps the radio antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to become infected a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks,

"Did you get these marks having sadomasochistic sex in a van?"

The girl a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims,

"I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring...you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

 

[shy slave]

 

[Vixandra]

ROFL
Those are cute Malcah!

 

[esclave_PP]

I enjoyed them as did Master Please feel free to leave your own here. It is always nice to have a giggle or a smile when the day is long

 

[duckiesmut]

Be sure not to peek at the bottom...enjoy.
******

"Don't swallow."

How many times have I heard that before ... "Don't swallow!"

He had told me, weeks ago, "Be here Wednesday, 10:30 a.m. Don't be late." I arrived on time, entered his place quietly (as instructed) and waited. He called me into his room after only brief moments.He bade me be seated and wait for him. Coming towards me, he seemed calm, for someone who can inflict so much pain. Soft music was playing, it was cool in the room, lights dimmed just slightly. All of a sudden a bright light hit my eyes! I jumped.

"Did that startle you?"

"Yes, it did."

He chuckled low. "I thought it might." Covering me, so as not to get blood on my clothes (his words, not mine) he spoke softly yet commandingly. "This isn't going to hurt; much." Again that soft chuckle. It was as if he knew just how much pain I could take; how far to go before I reached my limit. Oh, he was good ... very good. The first assault was cold air, followed by even colder water.

"OH!"

"Sorry, I should have warned you." More cold water, on delicate places. Sadistic bastard. I merely thought this, I didn't say it. He held all the cards, after all.

"We're going to do needles first. Is that okay?" As if I had a choice. I nodded. "Good." He reached for the first needle, shielding my eyes so I could not see. "Here we go ... breathe deeply. Let it out. There, that one's all done."

It hadn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would. Then, the second. This time I wasn't ready when he slid it in. He had forgotten to tell me to breathe; or HAD he. I may never know, I was afraid to ask. As the endorphins began to run and the numbness around the needle marks took hold (this I hadn't expected) he set to work on the rest of his plan. Poke. Prod.

"How you doing?"

"Please, sir, I want some more."

He smiled at this ... and gave me another needle. I smiled this time, even as he stood above me and began to fill my mouth. The command, which I had heard so many times before, came, finally after many minutes of his seemingly sadistic torment. "Don't swallow."

Don't swallow? Don't SWALLOW? What was I to do with this river running in my mouth? How would I breathe if I couldn't swallow? Looking up into the face of this man, this man who held so much power over my life, I had to obey. I had no choice. Well, no, that's not totally true. I did have a choice, but I suspended that choice the minute he allowed me to enter his presence.

"Don't swallow, it will be over in a minute."

I tried, I knew I had to obey. I breathed through my nose. I closed off the back of my throat. I gagged, slightly, as my mouth filled and gave in to the swallow reflex, but kept my throat closed. I sighed. He looked down at my face. He told me I had been a very, very good girl. Turning off the light above my face, he smiled at me as my eyes adjusted to the soft room light. "Now, you may swallow." And, I did.

I blushed and turned from this seemingly sadistic man ...

This man who had held so much control over me for such a brief time ...

This ...

Dentist.

 

[PhoenixPrime01]

I know it's probably been heard numberous times before and may be a bit trite; however...
My slave forestchylde has truly learned that when she yells out, "OWWW!! DAMN!! That Really Hurt!!" it doesn't count as a Safe Word or Phrase, as she's often told me afterward. *chuckling*

 

[Sodality]

BAD Joke



How many Doms does it take to screw in a lightbulb?















What?! You cant control your subs?!

 

[PhoenixPrime01]

L* Very good Sodality. *wink*

 

[Sodality]

L* Very good Sodality. *wink*

THank you very much hehehe thats an old one.

 

[PhoenixPrime01]

And an Old and Venerable Master appreciated it I assure you. *wink

If you have more please do post them .

 

[esclave_PP]

Time for some fresh jokes

Okay, just to preface, I personally wouldn't do these, because it isn't me, besides I'd be punished with silence, which is like worse than death. But...thought this was funny all the same.

The SAM List (Smart Assed Masochist)
Author: Alkallah © 1999


=>Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM.

=>Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play.

=>Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it. Finish up by putting a slash through the circle. (should turn out to be the international no-spanking zone sign)

=>In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore.

=>During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you.

=>If your dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed.

=>If your dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'

=>Decorate your dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes

=>Place a whoopee cushion on your dom/me's favorite chair.

=>Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party.

=>Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene. Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword.

=>When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'

=>Become a sarcastic practical joker (worked for me).

=>Learn a language your dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together.

=>Become prone to incessant giggling.

=>If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes.

=>Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly. It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..

=>Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)

=>When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters.

=>If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear.

=>Tell your dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment.

=>Learn the following phrases:

Get off your lazy ass and do it yourself!

What do I look like, your maid?

This isn't a restaurant.

In your dreams!

Who died and left you boss?

I don't think so!

Homey don't play that game.

Yeah, right!

Use them as often as possible.

=>Only speak in movie quotes.

=>Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer.

=>Send your dom/me an invoice for your services.

=>After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your dom/me checks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'

=>Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut.

=>Ignore your top until he/she utters the magic word.

=>Starch the floggers.

=>Whine.

=>Urinate in the dungeon and in the toybag, claim you're marking your territory.

=>Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling. (Clap on, clap off...)

Snicker Snicker.

 

[esclave_PP]

How is this for bday cake?

http://www.sydes.net/jokes/pictures/b/bdsm_cake.jpg yum yum

 

[esclave_PP]

While you were out honey...

I thought I'd do some redecorating...


http://www.sydes.net/jokes/pictures/d/dungeon_theme.jpg

 

[shy slave]

Re: Time for some fresh jokes

Okay, just to preface, I personally wouldn't do these, because it isn't me, besides I'd be punished with silence, which is like worse than death. But...thought this was funny all the same.

The SAM List (Smart Assed Masochist)
Author: Alkallah © 1999


=>Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM.

=>Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play.

=>Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it. Finish up by putting a slash through the circle. (should turn out to be the international no-spanking zone sign)

=>In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore.

=>During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you.

=>If your dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed.

=>If your dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'

=>Decorate your dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes

=>Place a whoopee cushion on your dom/me's favorite chair.

=>Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party.

=>Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene. Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword.

=>When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'

=>Become a sarcastic practical joker (worked for me).

=>Learn a language your dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together.

=>Become prone to incessant giggling.

=>If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes.

=>Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly. It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..

=>Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)

=>When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters.

=>If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear.

=>Tell your dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment.

=>Learn the following phrases:

Get off your lazy ass and do it yourself!

What do I look like, your maid?

This isn't a restaurant.

In your dreams!

Who died and left you boss?

I don't think so!

Homey don't play that game.

Yeah, right!

Use them as often as possible.

=>Only speak in movie quotes.

=>Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer.

=>Send your dom/me an invoice for your services.

=>After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your dom/me checks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'

=>Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut.

=>Ignore your top until he/she utters the magic word.

=>Starch the floggers.

=>Whine.

=>Urinate in the dungeon and in the toybag, claim you're marking your territory.

=>Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling. (Clap on, clap off...)

Snicker Snicker.

These made me laugh so much I can't wait to try the passing out one and the alka seltzer !!
*note to self ~ try these when you won't need to sit down for the few days afterward lol*

 

[Vixandra]

Okay, not a BDSM joke but still funny, least I thought so.

The Irishmans daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp!

Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million.
For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Faith and begorrah! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

 

[Sodality]

HOLY MOLY Shy!!!



Those Killed me Oh man they killed me I am laughing so freakin hard right now!!

Shy Slave that was hysterical!!!!!

 

[esclave_PP]

Glad you liked the SAMMY list I found. You have to let me know how you make out Shy