Has your desire for privacy ever hurt or destroyed a friendship?

[modest mouse]

What responsibilites exist to our friends for the breaking down of whatever barriers are erected? Is this an issue that can be overcome or is it one that is ingrained in the friendship and thusly if an understanding is not in place then it is a time bomb becaase each of you has a different idea.


It has hurt some of my friendships, and hindered many others.


(I'm discerning between friendship and romantic love.)

 

[Dillinger]

Interesting question, Mouse. I like a certain amount of privacy but I am an outgoing person and if I want a friendship to develop I am a fairly open book.

For me, and perhaps others here, you might ask the reverse. Has someone else's desire for privacy ever hurt or destroyed a friendship.

I would say that it has at times hindered the development of a friendship but, those that were meant to be, developed in due course anyway. True friendship is not that unlike true love (I know you said you wanted to separate the two). But I think that there is a certain inevitability to both as long as one maintains at least a modicum of openness. This is where a desire for privacy could harm a relationship, friendship or romance.

 

[Summery]

No. My desire for what little privacy or boundaries I have asked for hasn't destroyed any of my friendships.
Though I like a certain amount of privacy, I am pretty much an open book. I only selectively hold back a few things, and that can change once trust is developed in my friendships. Then I become even more open.
On the reverse side. I have a friend that guards his privacy like it is Fort Knox. He has his reasons and I respect them. He was very upfront with his feelings regarding his privacy from the beginning. I never pry. I let my friends share with me and let me into their life at whatever level they feel comfortable with. I don't take it personal, if they choose not to be as open with me as I am with them. I figure that my friendships will develop to whatever level they are meant to. You can't force another into openness. My friend that I am using as an example, has made a lot of effort to let me into his life at a certain level. And, knowing what I know now of his past, I feel privileged.
Not sure if that really answers the question you are asking. But, it's my .02 nonetheless.

 

[MissTaken]

Yes, I am a very private person in many respects. I, also, have never found myself comfortable in feminine circles. I have had female friends who wanted to be my "best" friend. When they hit a boundary, they would not be able to accept that my definition of friend was different than theirs and the friendship would fade away.

I have simply always engaged far better with men, on a friendly level.

Perhaps, all this indicates is that I am a lousy friend, if I cannot openly share everything.... *shrugs shoulders*

 

[lobito]

My privacy is not as important as my friends. I tell my friends probably too much sometimes. If any of my friendships are lost for any reason, I really do regret it, and try to rebuild it. If there is no hope to fix things, then we weren't as good a friends as I thought we were.

Lo

 

[Laurel]

I'm a private person. I have boundaries. If a "friend" can't respect those boundaries, sayonara.

For example, I used to have a few friends that would drop by unannounced AND bring strangers with them. There is nothing that will piss me off faster than an unannounced visit...then to bring people I don't even know into my house is just icing on the cake. I hinted, then I outright commanded that they call first. They thought I was just being funny, I guess, because they continued. Then I stopped answering my door and calling these friends. That was the end of that friendship. Wish I could say I felt bad, but what's a friend that doesn't respect boundaries?

 

[Cheyenne]

I'm fairly open with friends I've made online, but still hold back some of the important details- my last name and where I work exactly, for example. My address and phone number, too. I'm not a big telephone person, and I know that has hurt a few friendships where the other person wanted to talk to me and I haven't taken that step. I probably even completely lost a friend or two that way, although I don't know for sure.

You didn't specify that you meant the questions to be about online friends, only. I'm much the same way in real life. My home is my sanctuary, and not many people are ever invited in. Old friends and family, for the most part. I like my privacy.

 

[Laurel]

What responsibilites exist to our friends for the breaking down of whatever barriers are erected?
<snip>
(I'm discerning between friendship and romantic love.)

Friends are people who understand and respect barriers. People who try to ram through barriers aren't good friends. IMHO.

 

[naudiz]

I said no and the reason is twofold.

Like Laurel says, anyone who wouldn't respect my boundaries isn't a friend. It's not like I'm particularly subtle about laying them out in clear terms.

Also, I'm a terribly private person, and people who befriend me know this getting into the relationship. Those who can't handle the fact that I often spend days, sometimes weeks at a stretch, not dealing with -anyone- don't get close enough to become friends.

Then again, I have two takes on privacy. The first is a desire to be left alone, in private. I often fit into that category. Then there is the keeping of secrets and the not sharing of the self. I suppose that could hurt a relationship. Those I call friend don't push if I don't want to talk about it. Then again, those are the same people I trust -to- talk about it, so it's kind of irrelevant.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Also, I'm a terribly private person, and people who befriend me know this getting into the relationship. Those who can't handle the fact that I often spend days, sometimes weeks at a stretch, not dealing with -anyone- don't get close enough to become friends.

Then again, I have two takes on privacy. The first is a desire to be left alone, in private. I often fit into that category. Then there is the keeping of secrets and the not sharing of the self. I suppose that could hurt a relationship. Those I call friend don't push if I don't want to talk about it. Then again, those are the same people I trust -to- talk about it, so it's kind of irrelevant.

Fwiend.

Hi tweet too.

 

[Private Vasquez]

yes, hurt not-quite-bad-enough-to-completely-destroy

Just recently, in fact. We're more like acquaintences now.

 

[Rubyfruit]

I consider many people here at lit to be my friends. I'm not comfortable (and never have been) withholding the truth of me or my life from people I care enough about to spend time with.

 

[naudiz]

Fwiend.

Hi tweet too.

And then there are the screaming fans of my hawt fantasy writing. They're the best by far.

Hey you.

 

[Monazwx]

Yes, hurt
Yes, destroyed

I'm on a roll.

Unfortunately, when you live in a small town/community, some people think that everything should be shared. I hate when 'friends' pry, even when I tell them that something is none of their business no matter how trival they think it is.

I've had a few friends like that I had to show the door.
Think it's the lack of respect that got to me rather than being a private person though.

 

[Cheyenne]

*bump* for the day shift

 

[juicylips]

I'm an intensely private person online. You can get to know me somewhat better through chat..pm's..email. Get me on the phone and in a talkative mood and you'll find out more.

But...I always guard myself. Now and then someone gets through, but rarely. Very rarely.

Has this hurt a friendship? Not sure. If someone has had a problem with wanting more from me, they haven't said.

JL

 

[weed]

Both at work and in the small town I live in....when something is shared it quickly becomes common knowledge....I think I relate to Mona on that

The result being....share little and keep private.....can make for loneliness. Privacy does have a price.

On line I feel I can be honest and true yet still keep RL details private....except in privacy with a special friend I find I can't help but share every most intimate detail of my life with.

 

[Mellon Collie]

My need for privacy has never hurt/distroyed any of my relationships because I really am not a private person but others' need has certainly hindered my relationship with them, romantic or otherwise. I don't like knowing that something is being kept from me and I don't like being told that said person doesn't want to tell me. It's not just that I'm a nosey person (cause yeah, I am) but it makes me feel like I'm less of a friend to them or that I'm not trusted. Although I'd hate being ignorant of what's going on in a friend's life I prefer that over it being kept from me. I would never let something like that destroy any relationship but it would and often does bother and hurt me.

 

[Marxist]

My need for privacy has never hurt/distroyed any of my relationships because I really am not a private person but others' need has certainly hindered my relationship with them, romantic or otherwise. I don't like knowing that something is being kept from me and I don't like being told that said person doesn't want to tell me. It's not just that I'm a nosey person (cause yeah, I am) but it makes me feel like I'm less of a friend to them or that I'm not trusted. Although I'd hate being ignorant of what's going on in a friend's life I prefer that over it being kept from me. I would never let something like that destroy any relationship but it would and often does bother and hurt me.

What she said.

I had an online friend that I shared stories and stuff with for over a year, yet she wouldn't tell me what state she lived in. I don't know why that hurt but it did and I've not talked to her in about 3 months.

I guess that's shitty but it just bothered me.

 

[lilminx]

I feel pretty much the way Mellon Collie does. It hurts even more when you know that people you consider your friend have confided in others and not in you. It makes you feel like the friendship you thought you had, just isn't.

 

[Laurel]

I think there's a difference between preserving privacy and being deliberately evasive. Sharing feelings, personal info, etc. comes along with the territory. If you don't share these things to some degree, you'll never have close friends or relationships.

Privacy is something else entirely. If I'm working, don't hang over my shoulder. If I ask you not to drop by unannounced, respect that. Everyone has boundaries. Respecting those boundaries is just as important as sharing feelings. When 'friends' try to push those boundaries to make a point - "what's more important, that or me?" - they show themselves to be poor friends.

 

[Smiley777]

Everyone has boundaries. Respecting those boundaries is just as important as sharing feelings. When 'friends' try to push those boundaries to make a point - "what's more important, that or me?" - they show themselves to be poor friends.

I agree. While having the problem of friends pushing against your boundaries is very tough, it is even worse to have them challenge your feelings by asking you to choose between things that should never be in question. Such as the awful, "What's more important..." question.

There are many people who really need to learn that lesson. Friendship cannot only be about sharing time and experiences together, it must also be about giving respect and space to the people you care about when they need it.

 

[kiwiwolf]

I have an ongoing medical problem which requires me to have operations every year or so. Last year I went in for my regular butchery session and wanted to be left alone. I needed some time away from everyone so I asked for no visitors and even went as far as not telling friends I was going to be in hospital.

One of my female friends got wind of it and rang my then partner asking which hospital I was in and which ward. She was told that I had asked not to be bothered and that my ex wouldn't give her the info... so she rang my mother. Well good old mom wasn't in on it so she gave up the goods. Even at the hospital she was turned away the first time. Finally she got in by telling the nurses that she was my wife...

She damaged the relationship seriously when she wouldn't take no for an answer... I killed it by telling her to fuck off. I'm not nice when I'm doped up on morphine...

 

[Charlotte Blanchard]

I am a very private person. I have two friends and one is my husband. In the two years I have lived in new Orleans I have NEVER had company at my apartment. My place is small and set up for two people. I don't do TV and most of my time is spent reading or working, so I don't have much to entertain company with. So I don't invite them. I am not a phone person either. I hate talking on the phone. My friends in other parts of the world have now accepted the fact that i will not call, not because I dislike them, but because I have very little to say. I also like having a few secrets. There are things I am not willing to share with others, and my friends have to accept that.

I sound mean, I know. I swear I am not as horrible as I sound.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

I am a very private person. I have two friends and one is my husband. In the two years I have lived in new Orleans I have NEVER had company at my apartment. My place is small and set up for two people. I don't do TV and most of my time is spent reading or working, so I don't have much to entertain company with. So I don't invite them. I am not a phone person either. I hate talking on the phone. My friends in other parts of the world have now accepted the fact that i will not call, not because I dislike them, but because I have very little to say. I also like having a few secrets. There are things I am not willing to share with others, and my friends have to accept that.

I sound mean, I know. I swear I am not as horrible as I sound.

I'm sure you arent as horrible as you sound.

I am however.