Has dissatisfaction with 'nilla sex ever driven you to celibacy?

[DRxBlue]

In the past two months, i have emerged from lifelong ignorance of BDSM into a world of sexual exploration and experimentation i never knew existed.

In the process i have become acquainted with the most interesting and intelligent people i've ever encountered.

In response to an email introducing myself to a member of my local BDSM community, she remarked that "any NUMBER" of people she knows came to BDSM as asexuals, awed and "excited-yet unexcited" by the questing and open atmosphere of the lifestyle.

Perhaps you have felt what i felt. There is a flash of miraculous HOPE, as you suddenly realize that you are not the only person who has felt the way you do. You are not the only person who's needs were not being met (or even addressed) by the menu of "standard sexual practices".

When you feel yourself to be the only sufferer from a disease, you get the depressing feeling that there's never going to be a doctor who will be inspired to find a cure. There'll never be a telethon to raise funds just so you can feel better.

i don't necessarily believe that BDSM will be the "cure" for my long sexual isolation; there are a large number of variables in this equation. All i know for sure is that there are possibilities i had never considered. There are probably people who have found solutions to similar problems.

Have any of you found solutions? Just want to vent about the cracks in the sexual environment which lets some of us fall through without a trace into limbo?

There's a thread for that now.

Come, tell the Doctor all about it. (you can disrobe behind the screen there, you can leave your hat on)

 

[juicygirl]

Go Doctor. I actually started BDSM to start feeling something again. I don't know if it is really therapy but it certainly helped me.

 

[zetacon4]

I want to be a slave to a female Domme!

I really do enjoy my sexual activities that I currently share with a great friend (fuck buddy). But I do feel a great longing for a wilder side of myself to be realized in the flesh. I have read and viewed pictures and seen some limited play on Lit. of Master/slave activities. But I want to craft my own version of it with someone special. A girl who longs to fill that void in her sexuality much as I do. Hand and glove, so to speak. It would be sexual in nature, but more than that. It would be a sharing of our imaginations of what was beyond just simple sexual arousal and orgasms. I would like to see what is over that hill and forge a path with a sincere and loving person. I don't know yet what it will be like, but I want that. And I don't even know how to find it with that person. So we would have to be very patient with each other to find out what each of us wanted. But the discovery of that would be very much worth the time and energy we would bring to our relationship. I would also like any pointers that more experienced people could share on how they made their first steps into this lifestyle pursuit. And how it turned out for them.
Frank

 

[cymbidia]

From another perspective on the question Blue, a slightly askew version (but "askew" is okay here, is it not?) i have this to say: i've left a 21 year nilla marriage, one in which i had every material advantage you could imagine, because i cannot go for the rest of my life without the fullness and rightness (for me) of a BDSM relationship. I knew i was BDSM before i married. I was wrong to marry him as i did all those years ago. I wronged us both in doing that.

BDSM relationships have been woven in and out of the fabric of my life for the whole of the 30 years i've been sexually active. My marriage is the only nilla relationship of any value and worth i've ever had. I know what it is to love within the embrace of a BDSM partnership.

I need the full richness of this way to live and feel and experience the world. I want the exultant joy of being open and aboveboard with my needs.

I need it.
I cannot live the rest of my life without it.

We all learn deep truths as we walk through our years and i've learned a thing or two, too. Here's one of them: it's far better to lonely while alone than it is to be lonely in the middle of what should be the primary love relationship of one's life.

Choose your life's mate well. Don't deny your deep needs for their sake.

For now i am celibate.
For now, almost unbelievably, i (the ultimate ethical slut) am celibate.
I won't have another nilla sexual relationship, ever, and BDSM relationships take time to begin, after, that is, we manage to find someone with whom to begin the tentative and defining steps of the BDSM partners dance.

 

[bluntforcemama]

'Nilla sex can get terribly boring, which is why I think I see trace elements of BDSM in almost every sexual fantasy. I don't have sex often (I'm marrying Monk!), but I realize that sex is not who I am, and that if the only thing mildly disordered about my otherwise perfect relationship with Monk is the lack of sex, then I'm in VERY good shape. I'm not settling at all. Monk is the best part of me. He is one of the very few people that I trust completely with who I am, what I want, what I need, what I will be. Though I've only been impressed with basic sex when I was newly initiated into the sexual relationship, I found it to be something deeply meaningful that has bound me to Monk. I imagine that any type of loving sex, no matter what preference or style can be that way with someone that truly makes your world go 'round.

 

[CarolineOh]

During my marriage I went without sex for long periods of time. I won't use the word celibate, because that implies it was by my choice.
What strikes me in Dr.Blues post is this passage:"When you feel yourself to be the only sufferer from a disease, you get the depressing feeling that there's never going to be a doctor who will be inspired to find a cure. There'll never be a telethon to raise funds just so you can feel better. "
That is so true, I felt that no one would understand my loneliness and pain. I had everything, a handsome husband, a beautiful house, new car every year, all of what we think of as the good life in our culture. But there was no intimacy or sense of shared pleasure.
I don't think the particulars of sexual orientation are particularly germane. It was just wrong that we were together, and although I feel very much that I was deliberately deceived, nonetheless, I have a share of responsibility, and it is my duty to myself to learn from experience, try to gain some wisdom from it, and move forward. My last marriage failed because of his lack of self-knowledge, the next will not fail because of mine.

 

[superlittlegirl]

here we go....

Yup, Blue, I'm definitely coming to BDSM (at least partially) as a response to my dissatisfaction with 'nilla sex. I was involuntarily celibate for the lion's share of my previous (3 year monogamous) relationship. It hurt like no physical pain I have ever felt, and not in a good way.

I am attracted to BDSM not only because I like the inherent drama, the pageantry and the aesthetic, but because I am wildly attracted to the idea that BDSM relationships revolve (and evolve) around solid communication. (A lack of communication was the demise of the last relationship, and I still beat myself up (figuratively) every day for not being able to find the "way in" to communicating with my former lover, because I still love her very much. sigh....)

And, physically, BDSM does it for me. In my extremely limited experience with it, I felt pinnacles of sensation (not orgasmic, but different) that did feel more like actual FEELING than the fleeting, transient nature of orgasm. I am not placing one above the other, but ultimately I'd like to be in a situation that could include both, as I believe that both states would be mutually enhancing.

--Freya

 

[zetacon4]

Wow! I have learned something ....

... about myself already, just reading the posts here so far. My story is almost a carbon copy of several of you. I have spent the last 28 years in a marriage just like you have described so well. For the last 17 years, I have been sexually and emotionally separated from my wife. I should have gotten a divorce way back when, but a number of things made it hard to complete.

I have made a promise to myself, that this year will not pass before I get my divorce. And it will be financially harder now than ever before. But I deserve a real life with a loving mate. And I am going to find that person come what may.

I now find some comfort emotionally in the few times I can go to see my friend. But I want a much closer person to discover this new area with me. I am not certain how this new style of being with someone will play out. But I think it holds something for me too. What has struck me odd, is that each of us has been attracted to BDSM for much the same reasons. I am very interested in each of your experiences and how it comes to satisfy your needs. I am very open to new things at present and would love to find a person who is also into discovering how this would help meet their inner thirsts.

I will watch and continue to learn as more of you post and tell of your discoveries.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Since you ask Blue

I have to say no. My sexuality and BDSM are two different issues for me.

Ebony

 

[cymbidia]

Welcome to the BDSM forum, zetacon4. Life is a journey, is it not? We continue along in the path we mapped out in our youth until we come to the realization that the path is not leading us where we want to go.

And then we shrug and keep going or we dare the wild lands in search of a new path. Both courses have thier own joys and thier particular heartaches.

I am very open to new things at present and would love to find a person who is also into discovering how this would help meet their inner thirsts.

I will watch and continue to learn as more of you post and tell of your discoveries.

Here are a few threads you might find of interest. There are many others like you around.

New faces, come say hello
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=81549

Finding your match online
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=69534

This is for all the lonely people
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=78794

Again, a warm welcome to you, zetacon4.

 

[Justine de Loup]

This is me, too!

I have felt the pain of not seeming to fit into any category of life. The only real difference between me and previous posts is that I never married. I've searched for years with many of them being celebate by choice because I didn't want the same old thing again. Have been tantalized by im/pm's from dominating personalities that have led to intriguing conversations. It has been by chance that I have found this site and hope that it will lead me in the direction that I've been searching for my whole life....I will take the time to read more by following Cymbidia's guide in previous post.

Thank you!

Justine...

 

[zetacon4]

Dear sweet Cymbidia

Your kindness and words find me very receptive. Thank you!
By the way, I find your av. to be very clever and visually exciting.
I assume that it represents something of you in that.

Thank you for the links to other threads that could help me.
I keep meeting such kind and loving people here on Lit. In this time of my life, I really do need true friends. And I can say, I have found some very genuine people here.

The other thing I think is, that we who are posting here are a new and brave group having the courage to search and find what will best satisfy our need for inner growth and maturity of self.
It is not so much about sating our lusts as it is about realizing our potential for a full and satisfying personhood.

I believe life offers each of us so many choices that it is overwhelming at times. But eventually, we find a choice(s) that bring us to the place we feel most fulfilled and productive as a person. Thanks for helping me to look in the right direction for these choices.

 

[DRxBlue]

i'm really glad i started this thread

Originally i tried the "search" function to see who else might have addressed this subject in the past, but the only result from the word "celibacy" was 1 post, which i had made on April 9th.

If it hadn't been for my email conversation with my dear friend SassyTongue, i would never have realized that the trail i took to BDSM had been walked before.

In the first response, juicygirl (whom i also consider a dear friend) put into words exactly the feeling i got when i first came to this forum.

Go Doctor. I actually started BDSM to start feeling something again. I don't know if it is really therapy but it certainly helped me.

BULLSEYE sweetie! For me, 'nilla sex, (which i thought was the only kind there was) left me colder and more unhappy than no sex. i couldn't FEEL anything except an indefinable longing for something else.

Freya too, mentions that lack of feeling which has inspired a search for something that will touch you where you need to be touched.

cym and CarolineOh (oh WOW i have befriended an awesome group of exceptional women in the past two months) both mention the horrifying feeling that you are starving at what anyone else would see as a banquet.

But for some reason, to me the food seemed to be all wax and plastic. It's really hard not to see it as a defect in yourself.

How i could have gone so long without realizing that BDSM might hold a clue to what i was lacking? i don't know, it is difficult for me to believe. Until the lightning bolt hit me there was no hint.

The focusing of attention, the communication of sexual fantasy and feelings between committed partners, the willingness to try experiments, with great care and sensitivity are all elements of BDSM which are not well known to those whose contact with the lifestyle is very limited.

The instant i got to this forum, my eyes popped open wide and my heart said, "These people are talking about things i've only imagined and wished for before. They're talking about it from years of experience. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME!?!?"

i say it again. This stuff should be taught in school!
(Yeah...i'll bring that up at the next meeting of the school board)

Thanks ALL of you! Keep it coming...i really needed to know this

 

[superlittlegirl]

Blue, you're a treasure.

I know I must've told you this a hundred times, but I needed to say it again. Your joy is awe-inspiring to me, and I feel as lucky as you do to have found this forum and this wonderful group of people. Including you.

I am just beginning to work through the pain of my last (nilla) relationship, and I think that in addition to BDSM having potential cathartic value, it is just damn thrilling to find something I am intensely interested in after feeling so numb for so long! I had to work to turn all feeling off and now I'm realizing that there is so much lying under the surface that I wasn't even aware of in my most fully functional 'nilla mode. I can't wait to explore it!

I love us! All of us!

--Freya

 

[BlondGirl]

The above issues hold true for me in most of my prior sexual relationships. BUT...
(There is always a "but", isn't there?)
I have had one vanilla lover who is every aggressive in his vanilla-ness. He meets my sexual needs within his vanilla sex style. If we were compatible in other important areas, I am sure that I could be very satisfied in "settling" for lifelong sex with him. It is not as if there is only one version of vanilla.

It is sort of like pie.
Pie is pie. But the differences between pizza and apple are very, very different. And every cook makes each of them in his/her own way. Some are successful in ways that almost everyone loves (but there is always someone who simply won't like pie, no matter how it is served). Some are successful in making pie just the way that his/her significant other likes it best.

Just because my favorite is my own deep dish peach cobbler, it doesn't mean that I don't enjoy apple pie anymore. (And if that is the only thing on the desert table, you KNOW I am there!)

 

[DRxBlue]

Extremely good point BlondGirl

A point i had all but forgotten. My first lover was totally 'nilla.

(come to think of it, in light of what i've learned lately i think she showed definite sub tendencies)

Our sexual relationship was *sigh* extremely satisfying. There was a spark there that i've found nowhere else.

i also have a big BUT! As you said "If we were compatible in other important areas" i think that spark would still fire me up. i think she'd have led me to BDSM in some form eventually, she was like, creative and enthusiastic.

The thing is that was 31 years ago!!...shit! No wonder i forgot. i have searched and hoped for most of that time for something like that to happen again.

A few things have happened, nice things. In spite of those things the light dimmed, flickered and i thought it was dead.

i still don't know for sure what it is about BDSM that has given me this feeling of renewal, but it is very tangible. i have spoken to nearly a dozen people who, like me, came to BDSM quite late in life and were "reborn" by it.

Even if i never find a partner from this new interest, already i've gotten benefits beyond my wildest dreams. i CAN feel again, my feeling of isolation and failure has diminished dramatically.

Maybe i will find someone who can make Buterscotch Pie with "whipped topping". If not, i guess i'll just hang out here with you guys.

Thanks for reminding me about Bonita, BlondGirl. hmmm BlondGirl...that name sounds familiar.

i know! There was a girl by that name in a personal ad i saw the other day. i think maybe i'll post on her thread. She sounded really cool. maybe she can make me a pie....

see ya later

 

[MN_nymph]

It seems that like unlike the "norm", I didn't come across BDSM out of boredom in my nilla relationships. I just happened by chance to come across a very, VERY dominant man and something in me just sparked. I loved every minute of it. But, on the other side of that I am currently involved with a very nilla man. He's probably one of the sweetest men I will ever meet and I am completely atacted to him. I've been thinking alot lately about whether I will be happy in this relationship. (When I mean he is nilla, he is nilla through and through. He's the kind of man that says he will never try anal sex and if his cum is anywhere other than in a condom or in the woman, it is gross.)

And as much as I want to be with him and have a nilla sex life, part of me still craves the BDSM lifestyle. Maybe it is out of lack of experience in BDSM that I can't decide between that and nilla. I don't know. Is it possible to have a nilla and BDSM life?

 

[BlondGirl]

Nymph,

You wouldn't happen to be dating a sailor named Pete, would ya?

 

[MN_nymph]

Nymph,

You wouldn't happen to be dating a sailor named Pete, would ya?

LOL, no Blondgirl, I don't know any Petes. It would be a hilarious coincidence if you knew my guy though!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Sure it is...

It seems that like unlike the "norm", I didn't come across BDSM out of boredom in my nilla relationships. I just happened by chance to come across a very, VERY dominant man and something in me just sparked. I loved every minute of it. But, on the other side of that I am currently involved with a very nilla man. He's probably one of the sweetest men I will ever meet and I am completely atacted to him. I've been thinking alot lately about whether I will be happy in this relationship. (When I mean he is nilla, he is nilla through and through. He's the kind of man that says he will never try anal sex and if his cum is anywhere other than in a condom or in the woman, it is gross.)

And as much as I want to be with him and have a nilla sex life, part of me still craves the BDSM lifestyle. Maybe it is out of lack of experience in BDSM that I can't decide between that and nilla. I don't know. Is it possible to have a nilla and BDSM life?

I find it is possible to have both. It all depends on your point of view when it comes to sex, and D/s. And it depends on your ability to ask for what you want in your personal relationships.

Ebony

 

[Shadowsdream]

In My many years of living and loving the BDSM lifestyle I have found that the numbers of Dominants who seemed to be able to enjoy some 'nilla on the side was larger than the submissives ability to do so. Haven't given the reasons much thought.

I am one of the Ones that cannot get past first base in a 'nilla sexual moment. I did try two 'nilla dates two years ago but found Myself getting colder and colder in boredom until My only thought was having him naked on his knees entertaining Me.
Which of course was how both evenings ended. Them stunned and ushered out the door...arghhhhh I won't be doing test three in this lifetime!

 

[DRxBlue]

i'm sorry Mistress...

i couldn't help but get a good laugh at your post Shadowsdream. i can just imagine those guys being confronted with your steely will. Stunning indeed!

MN_nymph, in the reading i've done, i've come across several people who in spite of 'nilla marriages have, with permission, carried on BDSM activities with dedicated partners or just play parties.

Mostly they were limited to fairly non-sexual activities like D/s, flogging, various forms of restraint etc.

If your interest really is in anal sex and playing with cum, weeellll that might be a bit tough to sell the SO on. You should try the "search" function or even start a thread about the subject.

You sure you need more homework, honey?....honey,mmmm... God! i'm turning into Homer Simpson here.

Blue

 

[Shadowsdream]

blue

Laugh you say!

~~~grin~~~

 

[cymbidia]

I am one of the Ones that cannot get past first base in a 'nilla sexual moment.

I'm like this, too, about nilla sexual encounters. It's unfortunate, since there are soooooooo many nilla looking for partners out there and relatively fewer of us doing so. I'd have much better odds if i could forget this whole BDSM crap, don't you think? After all, there are some perfectly lovely and warm and wonderful people out there who simply aren't wired to need the kind of sex that i need.

I know i've decided this issue for myself but i know, too, that part of this is just the way i'm wired. I don't get much from nilla emotional/sexual relationships and i never have. They leave my brain stone cold soberly unaroused. Since sex starts in the brain, and i can't do a good enough job of pretending to get past that barrier...

...why bother with something that is not going to do it for me - and i know that going in? How stupid would i be to even start something like that, knowing what i need and must have in a relationship, and knowing the other person does not have it and is not interested in acquiring it?

I've decided i'd rather be celibate then to be denied the kind of sexual/emotional relationship that i need to feel fully whole.

 

[zetacon4]

cymbidia???

This is a serious question, please.
Would you even pass up petting and oral pleasure on you
from someone that was not looking for more than that?
Could you at least enjoy his/her company?
Not a relationship, just warm touching and sexually oriented
touching and play. I really don't know what this is all about.
And I am trying to discover for myself if any of this new lifestyle
has a place in my life. Please help me on this.
Frank