"Hardcore Model Search" (Non-Consent)

[GuyJD]

This is the latest addition to my list of stories. I usually construct interracial stories, with the exception of one, so I thought that I'll take another crack at an interracial relationship of a different style.

Please let me know what you think of it. Thanking you all in advance.

 

[wishfulthinking]

I can't find the link to your story on your message. Am I just having a bad day?

 

[Angel Undercover]

I didnt find it either ! So I guess its not just you

 

[wishfulthinking]

Glad it's not just me, but I am having a bad day.

Just ignore my ranting.

 

[GuyJD]

I saw it listed on the 3rd page of the new stories yesterday.
"Hardcore Model Search"-Interracial, non-consent story

 

[hiddenself]

Needs a lot of work.

PS What's "amatuer"?

 

[GuyJD]

Originally posted by hiddenself
Needs a lot of work.

PS What's "amatuer"?

I referred to "amatuer" models more like non-professionals, somewhat as free lance. Professional models, like Tyra Banks, usually work under contracts. As I stated earlier in the story, they began doing smaller modeling jobs.

This is the12th submission on my list of stories on this site. I'm not sure what type of work may be needed on it though. It's been voted as a "HOT" story on this site. And that's a big plus in my list of stories. However, I'm open for suggestions. What type of correction(s) do you feel is needed?

 

[wishfulthinking]

Hi G, I'm sensing a scorpio vibe here?

 

[GuyJD]

Originally posted by wishfulthinking
Hi G, I'm sensing a scorpio vibe here?

No, Gemini.......LOL

 

[GuyJD]

CORRECTIONS?

Incidently and as stated in an earlier post, I'm open for suggestions. So if anyone feels that any correction(s) is/are needed, please feel free to post it.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Hiddenself is just giving you some grief because youy misspelled “amateur” E before U, see?

I thought it was a pretty good story. I thought your setup was especially good, and you ahev a very nice touch with dialogue. I really didn’t need to know all about his history with tutoring Rochell and her majoring in criminal justice &c &c. That had nothing to do with anything and just slows the story down at a time when we want to get into the action ASAP.

Statements like “she was the most gorgeous girl I’d ever seen” or “she wore a really sexy dress” &c. might tell the reader what you thought of her and what she was wearing, but they really don’t help the reader see her or her clothes. This kind of use of subjective judgments rather than descriptions is one of the hazards of the first-person point of view, and you avoid them most of the time, but in my opinion, all subjective calls should be eliminated.

I think the style and mechanics are very good in this story. The only place I really had trouble was when the sex started. There’s one huge, monolithic paragraph when you’re describing the neo-nazi shoot that should be broken up into smaller paragraphs, and in general, I thought that the sex scenes were not quite as good as the rest of the writing. There’s a lot of telling rather than showing that occurs in the sex: you telling us what happened rather than putting us there with you and showing and describing what was going on. I would have liked more concrete detail in the sex.

Also, I kept on wondering what the hell the photographer was doing while all this way going on? Is he just standing there letting you two do what you want? Did he go out for coffee? I’ve got to say too that I couldn’t believe how ready and willing she was to give him a hand job to ease his erection. She seemed to be enjoying it too, but then you tell us she’s all business. Either one or the other.

Finally, minor point: a cock may be ‘erect’ but it’s not ‘erected’. 'Erected' means something was built up or put up. A house or a tower may be erected, but a prick grows erect.

All in all, I thought it was a very good piece and very well done.

---dr.M.

 

[hiddenself]

Re: CORRECTIONS?

Incidently and as stated in an earlier post, I'm open for suggestions. So if anyone feels that any correction(s) is/are needed, please feel free to post it.

Amatuer

Cock began erecting (?!)

Repeated punctuation problems at the end of dialogue.

"Then the Photographer, Rick, would approach me and tell me that if we could get some better photos that are a little more risque', then that's when the money will roll in more."
Tense problems here. Following the preceding sentences, this should be "would approach you," "if they/he could get" etc.

Paragraphs that are 200-300 words long (that's a full double-spaced printed page by the way).

I won't even go into details of inconsistency of characters (first she is adamant against any sex and then a couple of paragraphs later she is a different woman, then reverst back, etc) and all the cliches (9-inch cock).

Needs work.

 

[GuyJD]

Thanks very much for the feedbacks, guys. I noticed that I totally screwed up in several areas of this story. This is my 2nd submission since a one year lapse from writing stories on Lit (10 were submitted in the past 3 years). And as I mentioned to Dr. M in a PM, that one year writer's block pretty much took its toll on me, as far as writing is concerned. For whatever reason, I find that my style have changed since the first 10 stories.

And "amatuer"? I can't believe that I actually overlooked that all of those times, considering I proofread the story several times before finally submitting it.

Thank you all for your input and critique/compliments. It will help me concentrate more on my submissions in the future.