Hard- feedback appreciated

[hot4teacher1975]

Hard

Hard for me to quantify
Exactly how much you mean to me
Hard like my dick inside your pussy
Exactly where I want to be

Hard for me to rectify
All the mistakes I've made
Hard for me to understand why
All this pain has stayed

Hard for me to kiss your lips
I long too caress your ass
Hard for me to get a grip
I need you in my grasp

Hard to know exactly what you want
Want to make love, my dear?
Hard for me that the loving stopped
Want to have you near

Hard for me not to cry
And dream of my face buried between your thighs.

 

[hot4teacher1975]

bump
impatient
or in-patient

 

[Liar]

bump
impatient
or in-patient

Hey, chill. We're a slower kind of bunch here.

 

[WickedEve]

Hey, chill. We're a slower kind of bunch here.

Well, Liar's slow.

I know it's an erotic poem but the dick line is protruding in this poem. Maybe you could tuck the dick away and say "hard like when I'm inside your pussy." I'd shave the pussy too but I see you need the rhyme.

 

[SeattleRain]

I'd shave the pussy too but I see you need the rhyme.

are you taking any new clients?
I never need rhyme

 

[SeattleRain]

Hey Hot4teacher,

hopefully you are not one of my former students... maybe I should just turn the other way...







It was hard
for me to reply
hard to read through the rhyme

my suggestion, which would only get a poem that I like, nothing to say about the person for whom this poem was intended:


Remove rhyme,
then the phrases you have heard before,
freeze for 12 hours,
add 2 back in
shake it until your arms quiver in exhaustion,
add 5 drops of sweat for dissolving
2 drops of blood
a pinch of tears

make you drink it down
and write about how it tastes

make the reader HAVE the experience
they will love you for it



real

~seattle

 

[hot4teacher1975]

Thanks for the advice, Seattle.
So, am I ruining my poetry by forcing rhymes?
Eve seemed to be suggesting something similar.
Certainly hate to do that.
I'll try your recipe; we'll see how it turns out...
Thanks again. Hmm.. to try to let my reader EXPERIENCE/FEEL...