Happiness in BDSMless relationship?

[ovrec]

I don't know if I need BDSM in my sex life to be happy. I haven't actually really had a chance to full on play so this is all speculation that I need it to be happy. But basically I have been married for 2 years. Prior to that I think our time together in person adds up to 5 months with 3 of them right before the marriage. After about 4 or 5 months of marriage I started to mostly feel frustrated with sex and to not want to have it anymore. I'm not sure if it is because I need BDSM or not. But is it possible to be happy with a vanilla partner without feeling empty and frustrated with sex?

What I do know:
1. fixated on movie scenes of bondage/torture since before 10
2. used to self pleasure to bdsm related porn from 16-26
3. we tried to have me tie up my wife once but she is dominant by day and she barked out a ton of orders which totally made the scene not fun for me. She has indicated over and over again that she is completely not turned on bondage/spanking/etc. and she is not into pain at all
4. I am very shy/unconfident/reserved
5. I don't want to hurt anyone that doesn't want to be hurt, but the idea of whipping, clamping, spanking, tickling, someone and having them get off on it does turn me on. But without trying it out I'm not sure where I stand here....

I only had one sexual partner. So I don't know if in general I am just bad at sex or doing it wrong, or if she is bad at sex and doing it wrong, or if I can be happy with vanilla sex, or if I need bdsmlike sex. Since I don't know exactly what I'm missing, it may be easier to live without bdsm. But even now I feel kind of frustrated, empty, and like something is missing.

So back to the question is there a way to find happiness in a relationship without BDSM? Or at least a way I can find out if it is truely bdsm that I am missing without cheating on my wife.

 

[Neuromanced]

This reminds me of a conversation between a sadist and a masochist:

"Hurt me!"
"No!"
"Ooooh, thanks, that was good..."

Seriously, I'm in the same situation.

I'd love to experiment, but my wife seriously isn't into anything other than plain lovemaking.

It's a tricky call, with a bit of a misbalance in the relationship.

I've broached the subject of opening up the relationship so that I can try things out with someone just to see whether I like things or not (with somebody else who is happy to do these things to me) but my wife wasn't keen on that idea.

Hmmm.

 

[Primalex]

I only had one sexual partner. So I don't know if in general I am just bad at sex or doing it wrong, or if she is bad at sex and doing it wrong, or if I can be happy with vanilla sex, or if I need bdsmlike sex. Since I don't know exactly what I'm missing, it may be easier to live without bdsm. But even now I feel kind of frustrated, empty, and like something is missing.

So back to the question is there a way to find happiness in a relationship without BDSM?

I would assume so, after all, BDSM is an _alternative_ lifestyle.

You have a serious problem with your self-confidence and your social development. In my opinion you are merely conditioned to a wrong behaviour. You consumed BDSM media as counterweight to your lack of self-confidence. Over the time this did change your expectations - no wait, this became the base of your views. Despite this, you obviously married too early and most likely the wrong person.

The good news is: It's not as bad as it sounds. But I doubt you will lead a happy life without improving your self-confidence and I doubt this is possible without professional help.

 

[EmpressFi]

I would have to say yet, in that Malin and I dont dominate or submit to each other, sure there's a little kink every now and then, but we've been happy for 13 years.

 

[Dominant_Chef]

I would have to say yet, in that Malin and I dont dominate or submit to each other, sure there's a little kink every now and then, but we've been happy for 13 years.

Potato headed fucker

 

[ecstaticsub]

Hopefully for your marriage you can find some compromise. My husband isn't into BDSM at all. We've been married for over 20 yrs. A few years ago a met a another man who is now my Dominant. My husband approves of this relationship and it has even improved my sex life with my husband.

I think you and yor wife need to sit down and really have a heart-to-heart talk about this. Did you know tell her at all about your BDSM tendencies before marriage?

 

[ovrec]

She knew that I liked tying up/etc. but I don't think either of us knew that I might actually end up so affected by not doing this stuff. I think there is a difference between being turned on by such things and then coming to the point of view that you might need to do these things to be happy.

Neither me or my wife is open enough to allow a third party player. Plus if I really found a submissive and shared such a connection with her then I would want to marry the submissive and not my wife.....

 

[ovrec]

I would assume so, after all, BDSM is an _alternative_ lifestyle.

You have a serious problem with your self-confidence and your social development. In my opinion you are merely conditioned to a wrong behaviour. You consumed BDSM media as counterweight to your lack of self-confidence. Over the time this did change your expectations - no wait, this became the base of your views. Despite this, you obviously married too early and most likely the wrong person.

The good news is: It's not as bad as it sounds. But I doubt you will lead a happy life without improving your self-confidence and I doubt this is possible without professional help.

The "professionals" just want to drug me up with drugs full of personality changing side effects. I already tried Zoloft and Wellbutrin and neither really helped so I am done with the. Currently I am trying to do martial arts to help with self confidence. It seems that helping myself through hard work and sacrifice is better than relying on a professional to solve everything or a magic pill.....

I don't know what is meant as a counterweight to the lack of self-confidence. I have always been turned on by this stuff, even before I had self confidence either way. Even if I was super confident I could see myself being interested in bdsm. With more confidence I could have seen myself going out and trying it.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Life is short, fella. Do you really want to go to the grave never having marked up a female ass?

 

[Toa_lin]

Life is short, fella. Do you really want to go to the grave never having marked up a female ass?

well put rosco. well put

 

[Netzach]

Life is short, fella. Do you really want to go to the grave never having marked up a female ass?

Yes.

Also, I can't imagine that this is really a great relationship for your wife, either. I'm sure she's not getting what she wants and needs in light of the conflict.

Been there, done that.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm not saying you did, but sometimes you just get involved (long term dating/marriage/etc) with the wrong person - simply because you don't know yourself well enough to recognize the sort of person that meets the definition of the "right person." You wouldn't be the first or last to do so.

The ills of which you speak cannot be cured with pills. Pills might assist in the "fake it 'til you make it" portion of the cure, but they will not provide the cure. The cure has to come from within - from knowing yourself, your needs, and what you will and will not live without from X point forward. A bit of a never ending process (and occasionally terrifying one), true, but (IMO) you won't get far without that core belief, acting as a talisman and guide.

If you need it, you need it. You'll either be able to work out a way to get in within the confines of your marriage, or not, but you're the only one who can decide that.

 

[rida]

I see multiple issues at play here, even without adding the BDSM aspect to it.

A lack of confidence
A lack of understanding/validation from your spouse
and a lack of sexual compatibility

They are separate and yet intertwined issues in your marriage. Will she be open to marriage counseling?

See if you can work things out, afterall if you married her, you saw something in her that made you want to be with her. But if you realize that you made a mistake (it happens, sometime we want to be what we are not and marry a person that we think will make us into that person), that you are not compatible, get out now: the earlier the better for both if you.

Chances are that if you are not fulfilled in the relationship, she is not either.

As for her barking even when she was supposed to be the bottom of the scene, perhaps she is dominant too.

Good luck.

 

[ovrec]

Her point of view

According to what she says she is the happiest she has ever been in any relationship. We go to marriage counseling because of me. Mostly marriage counseling finds that I don't like the dynamic of her telling me everything to do. So we find small examples of that and change. Or tells her to watch her tone of voice. I guess a lot of men have issues with that...But basically marriage counseling focuses on all the other issues first and then sex next. And I am open minded enough to try it. I mean hopefully in a year or two we will know what happens. I don't want to be in marriage counseling for 10 years or something only to divorce.

The only thing that seems to upset her is when I try to talk about unhappy I am. It is more than just a lack of BDSM at issue with the marriage. But most of the other issues I can maybe compromise on (or more likely think I can compromise on). She has issues that do make her angry like me being a bit messy and her being super clean. But overall she says she is happy. I think that she is not lying and is somewhat happy.

Even with our sex life she is happy. She claims never to have had an orgasm before I got her the Hitachi wand and we started to use that. So anyway I don't know. Getting her to try something new is a real chore but the Hitachi at least was a success. Trying to tie her up wasn't a success, much to my dismay.

And I have orgasms but after I have them I feel frustrated and empty and like something is missing. I want to try BDSM like in a club or something but I don't want to cheat on my marriage (so I don't suggest this). She has indicated that maybe I should do that (on her own), she would let me (in an upset tone once in a while). But though I want to try a BDSM club, it seems too much like cheating to do that stuff with someone I'm not married to. Also if I found a normal play partner and we had fun, then I would probably want to end the marriage anyway.

The most honorable choices seem to be live without BDSM and keep my wife happy. Or end the marriage and pursue it and maybe like it or maybe end up alone and unhappy. The most honorable one is probably to just live without it and keep my wife happy. But the reality is that I can't live in this state of unhappiness without not being fixated on bdsm. I either need to try it with someone who is excited by it or to get rid of my fixation on it.

 

[CutieMouse]

The most honorable choices seem to be live without BDSM and keep my wife happy. Or end the marriage and pursue it and maybe like it or maybe end up alone and unhappy. The most honorable one is probably to just live without it and keep my wife happy. But the reality is that I can't live in this state of unhappiness without not being fixated on bdsm. I either need to try it with someone who is excited by it or to get rid of my fixation on it.

Martyring yourself doesn't work long term... and if the counseling isn't working (and by "working" I mean achieving the goal of a healthy functional self and or relationship) - get a new therapist.

 

[castagnus]

BDSM & happiness

More than a decade ago, I slowly introduced my ex to BDSM which she embraced with gusto and enthusiasm. For 8 years our marriage was idylic - I could do no wrong in her eyes- and then there wad a change in our day-to-day relationship as our children grew older. Although our sexual activities were still healthy and pleasurable and provided a respite, the many arguments about decisions about our life style eventually led us to divorce. It probably was as much my fault as hers, but the point is that although a healthy sexual relationship is indispensable to a happy marriage, it certainly is not the only glue that holds it together.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I was in an long term relationship with the perfect girl...gorgeous, smart, good job, good cook, etc. The only problem was, she'd start crying "you are hurting me" if I did anything rougher than make love like an ewok.

TOtal sexual discompatibility.

Therapy doesn't help that.

 

[CutieMouse]

I was in an long term relationship with the perfect girl...gorgeous, smart, good job, good cook, etc. The only problem was, she'd start crying "you are hurting me" if I did anything rougher than make love like an ewok.

TOtal sexual discompatibility.

Therapy doesn't help that.

Oh goodness no... but it can help with making decisions and accepting oneself.

 

[rida]

Martyring yourself doesn't work long term... and if the counseling isn't working (and by "working" I mean achieving the goal of a healthy functional self and or relationship) - get a new therapist.

Ditto on both counts.

 

[ivantheterrible]

well, this is from my experience.
i am about to be married for 15 years. next month, 29th. we tried for halloween and it wasn't doable.
for years i tried to get the wife to do something else other than her sucking me a bit, and me licking her to orgasm, and then us fucking.
pretty much a hormonal thing for her. when she got pregnant her sex drive revved to high gear for a few months. so, it was still hormonal. sure it was fun. and it felt good. but, there was no imagination.
at times my wife would talk about reading hot stories about "rape" and or some guy coming in and kidknapping them, etc.,etc.. and that she said it in a way that made her sound like it was distasteful. she admitted to tieing herself up in a closet and masturbating. she got caught, and GUILT was instilled with verbal debasement.
some may read this and think, see, it is books, movies, etc., that encourage this kind of perviness. it isn't love, etc.,etc.
well, the idea existed before the book was ever written. society restricted people from finding out what they really desire. as long as no innocents are harmed, i believe it is good.
well, one day i got the equipment. and i took her. and i gently, and lovingly showed her what she really wanted. she trusted me.
this happened just after being married for 14 years.
and our marriage has become much more loving, passionate, and tender.
it took awhile. but i'm glad we stuck it out.
i know my sex life will never get boring from this point on.

 

[sexyskibunnysub]

If my boyfriend never wanted to talk or have anything to do with bdsm, I would respect that and do as he wishes. Sex is important, but there are so many different dimensions in a relationship, that I could compromise on aspects and be fine.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi ovrec.

Whatever happen next, you have some difficult choices to make. The position that you're in just sounds fundamentally untenable to me.

You have a socially dominant wife who calls the shots in the marriage and you resent that. She may be happy with the way things are but as she is getting what she wants, why wouldn't she be? You must accept that you are complicit in this to a degree though. By being too nice and reserved to prevent her from making all the decisions, you're cultivating a lifetime of resentment - not least because you aspire to be a dominant male. I simply cannot see how this situation can work for the rest of your life.

If you've had BDSM fantasies and desires since you were a youngster, you need to accept that this is something that will not go away. It hasn't gone away in the time you've been married so it won't suddenly disappear in the future. Squashing your dominant urges and shoving yourself into a marriage that doesn't satisfy you is like spending your whole life in trousers that are 2 sizes too small. No matter how much you love your wife, you are likely to get increasingly unhappy and resentful as things progress.

Lots of people marry young and after a short courtship to discover that they are no longer the same person they were a few short years ago. There is nothing wrong or shameful in saying, 'this is not going to work, there is no point in dragging things along until we're both miserable.' Your wife sounds like a strong person and I am sure she'd survive a marriage break-up. It may even be possible to remain good friends. It seems to me that there is just no way to reconcile what you want with what she wants in the long term, whichever way you cut it.

Have a long think about what you want from your life and what you want to look back on and be proud of. There are so many people on Lit who post to talk about their loveless marriages and yet won't accept that despite their best efforts as a spouse, the time has come to call it a day. I'm sure you love your wife very much but will you still lover her after another 10 years of living like this? After 20?

 

[castagnus]

difficult choices

Velvet;

What if there are children involved ?

I would think that one's first priority would be to postpone any separation until they are old enough to fend for themselves.

 

[Harmony_1985]

Velvet;

What if there are children involved ?

I would think that one's first priority would be to postpone any separation until they are old enough to fend for themselves.

But is it fair for the children to witness and live with the confines of an unhappy relationship?

 

[castagnus]

But is it fair for the children to witness and live with the confines of an unhappy relationship?

Depends on the maturity and wisdom of the parents - when our marriage started falling apart we never aired our differences in front of our son. We eventually did get divorced, but both of us have never felt the need to destroy our son's love for both of us, and this precious element is still very much intact. As a result, our son is a healthy, happy young man who loves both his mother and I.