Handy Household Hints for the Modern Housewife

[Guest]

Don't we just love Delia Smith? (NO!) I don't know if you guys in the US have heard of her. If you haven't, you're the lucky ones.

She's a good cook (admittedly) and always has some very "useful" tips for us busy women. Bollocks to that lot... Get a load of this lot!



Delia's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice cream drips.


The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.



Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.


The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.



Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.


The Real Woman's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.



Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
potato slice.


The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."



Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.


The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?



Delia's Way
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish.


The Real Woman's Way
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust so I don't do that.



Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.


The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but who gives a shit?



Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.


The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?



And finally the most important tip...



Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.


The Real Woman's Way
Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!


Quite!

Katie-Lou

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

--

Lou,

No one. But they're really great for stirring your Bloody Mary.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Colleen Thomas]

It sounds very much to me like she is one of these advice ladies who dosen't actually have to do any of the things she advises.

Kinda like my dad's doctor who advises him to loose weight every visit. The doc has to be 300 pounds plus and is 2 inchs shorter than my dad who probably weighs no more than 220.

-Colly

 

[Guest]

Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

--

Lou,

No one. But they're really great for stirring your Bloody Mary.

Rumple Foreskin

Now, that's what I call a handy hint!

Lou

P.S. Colly, I think you're probably right. She's done many cookery programmes and written many books on the subject, but can she really cook? (Yes, I know she can, but she still annoys the hell out of me.)

 

[lewdandlicentious]

Don't we just love Delia Smith? (NO!) I don't know if you guys in the US have heard of her. If you haven't, you're the lucky ones.

She's a good cook (admittedly) and always has some very "useful" tips for us busy women. Bollocks to that lot... Get a load of this lot!

Delia's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Woman's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
potato slice.

The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Delia's Way
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Woman's Way
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust so I don't do that.

Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but who gives a shit?

Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?

And finally the most important tip...

Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Woman's Way
Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!

Quite!
Katie-Lou

Oh katie-Lou-Lou,

You make meeeee Larrrfff!!

 

[Guest]

I can't claim the credit for writing it all, btw, I received it in an email. I don't know the original source, though. However, I did ad lib a bit here and there.

Katie-Lou-Lou

 

[Guest]

 

[Svenskaflicka]

The Real Woman's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

My point exactly.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Handy Household Hints for the Modern Housewife

Must be different here in the states, my wife uses it whole and the throbbing increases.

I bet it does!!!

 

[McKenna]

.

 

[Guest]

Ooh eck!

I don't really know who Martha Stewart is, but I'll take your word for it.

I did read that thread, though. Eek!

Lou

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
potato slice.

The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Katie-Lou

My Mom is definitely no Delia...because I can't tell you how many times I heard this and ate a really salty dish. And it's also a bad idea to say, "Mom, are the mashed potatoes supposed to be crunchy?" It will only earn you another spoonful, an awful look and it's not until after supper that you learn that the lid fell off of the damn salt shaker as she was adding it and didn't have the decency to throw it out or start over.

Insanity.

~lucky

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Hi Lou,

I think the American version of Delia Smith would be Martha Stewart... before all the insider trading, courts and soon-to-be jail time, that is.

See what you have to look forward to?!

Hoe bout Marth Stewart's Prison Living? I bet she will have oodles and boodles of handy ideas for redecorating her cell

-Colly

And of course all her tips using alcohol are like to look more like Lou's than delilas, assuming she can get any

 

[McKenna]

.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

You do know this means stripes will be "in" next season.

And orange

-Colly

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I love those household hints. Honest to God. I have books and books of them. I know how to take a broken light bulb out of the socket by using a potato, how to use soda water to remove wine stains, 500,000 uses for my old panty-hose...

There was a W. Claude Lammey who used to write the male version of household tips in Popular Science: keep your sandpaper in an old three-ring binder or clipboard; rub soap on the threads of a wood screw before inserting; put a piece of paraffin wax on the head of a hammer to hold small brads for driving; tape the chuck key to the cord of your electric drill. W. Claude was my god.

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

I love those household hints. Honest to God. I have books and books of them. I know how to take a broken light bulb out of the socket by using a potato, how to use soda water to remove wine stains, 500,000 uses for my old panty-hose...

There was a W. Claude Lammey who used to write the male version of household tips in Popular Science: keep your sandpaper in an old three-ring binder or clipboard; rub soap on the threads of a wood screw before inserting; put a piece of paraffin wax on the head of a hammer to hold small brads for driving; tape the chuck key to the cord of your electric drill. W. Claude was my god.

---dr.M.

Why do I find some of the above a bit worrying?

I could've done with that broken bulb tip a few months ago. My daughter decided to swing a large toy around in her bedroom, and caught a lightbulb - shattering it. She was ok, thank God! But, I had a hell of a job removing the bugger. I made sure I turned the electric off at the mains first, though.

Lou

 

[NoJo]

Viz Reader's Handy Tips

Viz Top Tips

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HIGH blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut
yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins
N. Rodwell
Herne Bay, Kent

DOG owners. Give passers by the impression that
your dog is well trained by ordering it to do
whatever it happens to be doing already.
J. Kay
Elem, N.P.

CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a
magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.
B. Vilbens
Birmingham

I'VE just seen a film where, after a plane crashed
in some mountains, the passengers had to eat each
other in order to survive. All well and good, but
what do the airlines expect vegetarians like myself
to do in similar circumstances? Could scientists
clone 'vegetable people', I wonder, a few of whom
could travel on every flight to provide a vegetarian
alternative to cannibalism in case of disaster.
E. Mullion
Haymarket, Edinburgh

WHEN out on the piss take a picture of your mum and dad
in your wallet. It makes a handy 'drunk-o-meter' to gauge
when you've had too much. When you start to fancy your mum,
stop chatting up the girls. Don't even look at them.
If you start to fancy your dad, leave the pub and catch
the first bus home. (This is not advisable if you live
with your parents).
Jim Wood
Isle of Arran

MUMS. A strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of
children's shoes allows them to be towed effortlessly
around supermarkets.
J. Tait
Thropton

FOR many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing
ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it
embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical -
leg warmers. As a pensioner saving money and staying warm
are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler
and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.
Mr A. Cream
Rotherham

CONVERT black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries,
sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of
black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats
in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on
their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits.
R. Crosbie
Cheltenham

STOP birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs
and moss in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

STOP squirrels and birds taking food from your bird table by
placing the food inside a biscuit tin, and securing the lid with
heavy duty tape.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

PREVENT bees and butterflies stealing your pollen by enclosing
each flower head in a plastic bag securely fastened around
the stem with a clothes pin.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

DISAPPOINT wasps this summer by smearing cold tea on your
ears instead of honey.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

REVIVE dying moths by placing them on a small droplet
of sugary water.
C. Coup
Basildon

EMPTY cereal packets make ideal holders for old toilet roll tubes and
milk bottle tops which one should never throw away as they are most
handy, and have a variety of uses.
Mrs A. Ellis
Wrexham

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be
used for shopping lists.
Mrs P. Hamilton
Arbroath

READERS with old or perished hot water bottles may, after filling, wish
to leave the problem bottle in the sink or bath and so reduce the risk
of damp bedclothes.
Mr P. Iopling
Bracknell

WHEN buying toilet tissue I always unwind each roll carefully and
number the sheets individually using a Biro or felt-tipped pen.
Mrs Howard
Bingley

MY husband and I save pounds every year on household wear and tear
by living in a tent in the garden.
Mrs. I. Stokes
Potters Bar

HANG a Cornflakes packet on a piece of string in all the doorways of
your house. Bumping into the brightly coloured boxes as you pass
through will remind you to close the door behind you.
Mrs A. Ellis
Wrexham

WEIGH toilet rolls on your kitchen scales and record their weight after
each visit to the toilet. On each occasion deduct the new weight from
their previous weight. The figure remaining will be the exact weight of
toilet tissue which you have used on that particular 'visit'.
Mrs Howard
Bingley

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match
in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals
the source of the escaping gas.
N. Burke
Manchester

STOP nosey neighbours from knowing which room you're in by
stealthily crawling around the house on all fours.
D. E. Blancharde
Fragsthorpe

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
Mrs K. Smith
Bristol

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Why do I find some of the above a bit worrying?

I could've done with that broken bulb tip a few months ago. My daughter decided to swing a large toy around in her bedroom, and caught a lightbulb - shattering it. She was ok, thank God! But, I had a hell of a job removing the bugger. I made sure I turned the electric off at the mains first, though.

Lou

I'm not worried, but more than mildly curious about the Doc's old pantyhose and would love to see some of their 500,000 uses.



~lucky

 

[Black Tulip]

Don't we just love Delia Smith? (NO!) I don't know if you guys in the US have heard of her. If you haven't, you're the lucky ones.

She's a good cook (admittedly) and always has some very "useful" tips for us busy women. Bollocks to that lot... Get a load of this lot!

She is one of those disgustingly competent, organized types. No matter how accomplished you can be, she'll beat you to it. Yea, right.

And finally the most important tip...

Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Woman's Way
Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!

ROFLMAO

Doesn't she know there is no such thing as leftover wine?

 

[Guest]

Probably not! She always looks like she could do with downing a bottle or two, though. Blimey, that woman needs to loosen up!

Lew-Lou (That ain't gonna last long, trust me! )

 

[Black Tulip]

Not sure I know what she looks like, but her advice is enough to make me curl my toes.

Now if you start talking about ladies who know how to cook: the Two Fat Ladies are my absolute favorite.

Food is for enjoying and fuck the arteries.

 

[NoJo]

Delia is much hated in our house. She seems inordinately fond of lard.

 

[Guest]

Joe's post above has cured me; I love the silly twat.

Perdita

(Cured of what? That's my business!)

 

[Guest]