Handling RL teens with an RL Dom

[His_pita]

My Dom and I are planning to have a 24/7 real life D/s relationship by early next year. Our concern is how to approach it with my daughter who will be 14 years old when this happens.

She has never seen me be a submissive before, just the opposite in fact. Kids are smart. I wonder how she will react to me in an obviously submissive relationship, deferring to the judgment of a man when she has not seen that.

I worry about revealing too much, or revealing it too fast and freaking her out so she will reject me in my new life and the Dom who is accepting to help parent her.

So my questions to you all who may have some insight and knowledge are the following:

How much do we tell her about D/s and how do we go about explaining it in a way she will understand and respect the choices we have made?

How much do we let her see of me submitting to my Dom? Like the wearing of a training collar at home or dressed the way my Dom wants.

We are aware, by the way, if it needs to be said, that we cannot be overtly sexual in her presence. We have common sense but want to live our lives while still protecting her right to grow.

Thank you all in advance for any opinions and advice you can give us.

 

[Vixandra]

I'd think it would work a lot like merging any new relationship.
If she asks why you don't act as assertive/dominant/insert adj. here then tell her that all relationships are different.

14 y/os are pretty bright. Shoot, at 15 I was reading "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" and pondering D/s.

But, I've never merged a D/s relationship into parenting. Heck I'm a multiple-time-over step kid (3 step parents so far) and know that any merging of families is difficult. Just remember to listen to her, get feed back from her without getting angry at her. She may think the whole situation sucks and punishing her for thinking that can be bad in the long run (I speak from experiance).

Good luck!

 

[O'Mac]

She may think the whole situation sucks and punishing her for thinking that can be bad in the long run (I speak from experience).

Good luck!

I'm gonna totally agree with Vixandra on this one. However, I will have to go one step further. Firstly I think you should ask yourself if a 24/7 Dom Sub relationship is really what you want to expose your child teenager to. I'm not a prude by any stretch, but I do tend to think that our children nowadays are already exposed to far too much overt sexuality outside the home. It's on TV, in their magazines, it's absolutely everywhere. The home should, as much as it can be, at least one of the places they should be able to go without being further subjected to the overpowering social conditioning that tells them they need to look pretty or how they can change themselves to attract boys. Is the relationship you want going to adversely affect your child's attitudes or feelings?

Only she knows what's really best for her. I know I wouldn't be able to handle it, and I remember my teen years very well.

 

[rosco rathbone]

curse those pesky real life teens and their actual demands and needs. i prefer the virtual model.

 

[budderfwy]

How much do we tell her about D/s and how do we go about explaining it in a way she will understand and respect the choices we have made?

Why try to sit and explain a D/s relationship to her? Just let her see how happy you are in your new role, I have found that as long as the momma is happy and content that usually the children are too. No matter what age they are. Yes, she may wonder and tell her if she has any questions to ask, then if she does, field them then. I personally find no need to say, "hey, this is my Dom, let me tell you what that means" .. not that it would be put that way, but I hope you get my meaning.

How much do we let her see of me submitting to my Dom?

Do you let her see you getting His drink, making His supper, sitting at His feet, drawing His bath, getting His whatever? Sure, why not. Do you let Him degrade you in front of her, reprimand you in front of her? I'd have to say no, and that would have to be one of the stipulations before he moved in. Correct you in front of her on a minor infraction, perhaps .. something major, no.

Like the wearing of a training collar at home or dressed the way my Dom wants.

What type of training collar? How will you be dressing as opposed as how you dress now? If you are going to go from prim and proper to slut city, then yep you'll have a lot of explaining to do. If you gradually, introduce things into your wardrobe, let her see the "sexier" side of you slowly, then before you know it, it won't be a big deal. If you decide to wear a huge leather collar with an O ring the first day he's there, then uhhh definately have some explaining to do. If you put on a small silver collar, then maybe she'll just see it as a piece of unique jewelry.


Teenagers are fragile weird little beings. The pick up on things we think they miss and sometimes they totally miss the huge things that we worry about. Pay attention to her, let her know you will always be there for her. As Vixandra said, do not punish her if she gets upset, don't dismiss her feelings, listen to her and always reassure her.

I do have a few questions.
1) has she ever met this man before?
2) how much of the parenting will he be doing?






this is just my humble opinion

 

[graceanne]

I personally don't think that she's gonna be surprised. I assume you've been in a relationship with this guy for a while and she's met him and seen you two together before. Are you going to be acting any different than you were during those meetings? And beyond that, if she asks some embarrassing questions, just tell her she doesn't want to know. Believe me 14 year olds really don't want to know about their parents sex life.

 

[O'Mac]

Believe me 14 year olds really don't want to know about their parents sex life.

I'm 25 and I still really don't wanna go there. Again though, I have to stress that the Dom/Sub culture is an inherrently sexual concept with specific roles. Taking part in that culture on a regular basis will definitely have an effect on your child. For the most part, I think it can be rather harmless if in moderation, but I can't emphasis enough that there are boundaries you simply cannot cross.

For example, being an obidient Sub by doing exactly what you are being told to in front of her will undoubtedly instill a somewhat sexist attitude into her. Think about this:

"Dad tells Mom what to do all the time, so it must be right that I let boys tell me what to do".

That's just one example of something she can pick up, even though there is generally no direct social conditioning.

To be frank, the Dom/Sub culture is a pretty intense one, and while pleasureable for both parties, I strongly believe care must be taken to respect the right of your child to a healthy emotional development.

 

[canadiancutie]

And beyond that, if she asks some embarrassing questions, just tell her she doesn't want to know. Believe me 14 year olds really don't want to know about their parents sex life.

there's a pretty good possibility that she won't ask those questions...I would rather end my life than hear about my parents' sex life. but then again I guess she could be different? but I think the not wanting to know thing is pretty universal

 

[AngelicAnguish]

I rarely post on Lit, but lurk alot. This thread caught my attention because when my mother first started dating my step dad I went over to her house one time when he was in town but not at her house.

When I got there I walk in and she is wearing a collar. I almost died. My mother is a confident, strong individual BUT is a person who needs a man to be the controlling factor in her life. But to walk in and see the collar I was so angry I could barely speak and when i did speak it was a snide remark about how perhaps the red collar my dog had would be more fitting. I was older than 14 though, I was about 23. (and my relationship with my mother has always been a strained one, her parents raised me from 8 to 17).

I was very uncomfortable with it and very angry at her for letting yet another man control her. It has been 5 years now and I realize he is a good man, though him and I don't always see eye to eye and I refuse to bite my tongue and be submissive to him in any way shape or form so we do argue on occassion but for the most part it's all good. She is submissive to him, but you can see the respect they have for each other in their relationship and this is probably the most healthy relationship she has had with a man so who am I to judge.

My 12 year old sister lives with them and I do think at times the relationship they have is hard on her. She is trying to define herself and test her limits. He is firm and patient with her though.

guess my rambly point is to give your daughter the right to be upset with your choices and maybe not openly accept them for a bit. It's hard to predict how she will react and as she grows and discovers herself her reactions may change also.

yeah ok, so now I'll butt out. Just had to give the opinion of someone who's not on either side of this but a "child" involved in finding out about a parents choice.

 

[LeahLo519]

That's a really interesting story. I don't know what I would've done if I would've seen my mom doing something like that...and I've seen my mom do some pretty kinky shit.

As for what is appropriate and what isn't, you know your kid better than any of us so just use your better judgement and don't spring everything on her all at once. Even though 14 is an intelligent age, she's still just a pup.

 

[catalina_francisco]

We live the reality of having a teenager in the house at all times, though he is older and is aware of the type relationship we have. That being said, as much as it cramps our style and is frustrating, we do not shove it in his face by acting out in front of him. I wear a thick leather collar, I am respectful (but not in a fictional over the top way), and there are the odd cane or flogger sometimes left out, but there are no scenes in his presence where I am openly punished, reminded of my place, expected to kneel etc. The most he sees is my being asked to get a coffee or some other thing my Dominant requires at the time.

I think most of it comes down to common sense and gauging how things are going. When you enter into these relationships it is the responsibility of those directly involved to remember though they have consented and committed to the terms, they do not have the right to expect third parties who are not involved to be part of it, therefore it requires respecting their rights and doing your best to keep it as close to average as possible when in the presence of those others.

My son is well used to a mother who is outspoken and has opinions for which she has been noted publicly and privately for standing up for.....my submission does not change that except that while I still have my own opinion, I submit to my Dominant's decisions and choices out of respect. I am fortunate in that I am allowed to voice my opinion and at times it will be taken into consideration. I think the balance comes in by my son seeing I still maintain my views and ways of doing things when dealing with others....IOW I do not submit to anyone else but my Dominant so he is not under any illusion I have given up my right to be an individual and to have a brain, nor do I allow others to direct my path for me.

Catalina

 

[Guest]

 

[SueJ]

What Catalina said.....That goes for me as well. She has said it so well that I don't really have anything else to add. We have never said anything to our children, though I suspect the 19 year old knows more than I'd like him to know!

 

[His_pita]

Thank you everyone for your very wise advice. My Sir and I fully understand that she must be protected and introduced to our new lifestyle with care and patience.

I won’t be wearing clothing that would be considered "gross" or questionable by her. Yes, I will be a submissive and she will see her mother wearing dresses much more then she ever has, but W/we will be careful not to cause her embarrassment. I will wear some form of collar but it won’t be a restraint collar. W/we agree something more subtle will be enough for Us, and W/we'll save the training for the bedroom.

Thank you Vixandra, we realize that her feelings must be validated. The huge change in her life is going to be traumatic enough. She and I have a great relationship where she is aloud to voice her opinions and anger freely. I don’t plan to stop that.

O’Mac, I agree that the home should be a very safe place for her to be in. Right now she has a tremendous sense of self that I want don’t want to change.

Rosco, I agree! If only I had known where to get me one of them instead of having the real thing. Live and learn.

Budderfwy, thank you so much for your reply. To answer your questions.

1) Has she ever met this man before? ~ No she hasn’t. W/we are currently in a long distance relationship that will become 24/7 early next year.


2) How much of the parenting will he be doing? ~That depends on what she allows. We plan to take it slow and for them to get to know each other. I will expect her to treat Him with respect as He will her. In my perfect world, they will have a wonderful relationship and she will learn to think of Him as a parental figure. If not I at least hope they can be friends. I have asked Him, however, to help Me in her guidance and discipline, and He has agreed.

AngelicAnguish thank you for your story. I agree that she may not like it at all, and that is why I am hoping to introduce D/s slowly and at her own pace.

Catalina, thank you also. I too have strong opinions and don’t see that changing. My Dom fully expects me to be a strong, competent woman in charge of my professional life. My submission is only to Him. My daughter will see me treat Him with love and respect as the head of household. I will certainly serve Him more attentively than she is used to. I think that is a good thing if handled correctly.

Foxinthesox, I completely agree with you. Last night my Sir and I did a lot of talking about this subject and W/we will be very careful how W/we introduce D/s to her. The first hurdles are going to be her adjusting to a whole new life. W/we plan to to live O/our life but not shove it her face.

I will be working outside the home, and my Dom will be doing much of the household stuff. She will see that a strong, dominant man can do the laundry and take care of her mother’s emotional needs while I defer to him in making the decisions.

I also remember my teenage years very well, and the last thing I ever wanted to know is that my parents were having sex. Let alone kinky sex. Hell, I’m 39 years old and cringe now when my mom calls to complain about what goes on in her bedroom. Some things a child just never needs to know.

 

[snowy ciara]

Hey Pita...

I grew up in a D/s household, so I'm not even gonna try to answer the question. But, I did link my mum to the thread (she doesn't "hang" on Lit; it's a boundary we've agreed upon. But when there's something that falls in her experience, I'll link her to the thread in an email and ask her to comment.) I'm going to be out of town for the week, so there won't be an answer 'til next weekend sometime, most likely.

edited to add

In the meantime, we had an excellent thread that she responded to. Check this out, when you get the chance.. BDSM and Stepfamilies, by the incomparable Ms. Shadowsdream

 

[AngelicAnguish]

It has been a very interesting thread to read and has made me consider some things about my mother and her relationship that I never did before.

Thanks and hopefully the transition goes well!

 

[chris9]

I don't know how far you want your Dom to make decisions that are relevant for the whole family (moving to another house...), but maybe for your daughter it would be good to be told that it is her mom, and only her mom, that does all the important deciding for her. Even his help in her guidance and discipline will probably not be accepted by her, at least at first. I know I wouldn't have had my mom's new man tell me what to do or when to be home or anything.

 

[budderfwy]

His_pita, I'm glad that you and your Dom have talked about how to handle your daughter and what his role in that will be; HOWEVER, I am just a little concerned about a few things.

She hasn't met the man yet but you are still planning on him moving into your house or you his. What if they do not get along? What if she does not feel comfortable around him? What happens when, as typical teenage girls do, she rolls her eyes at him, makes one of those *hump* noises, stalks off and slams her door? I realize that under any circumstances that should be a behavior that is not tolerated, but how will he react?

I'm truly hoping that they are allowed to spend some quality time together before you move him in, that she gets to know him and has somewhat of a say in this.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm over reacting ..... If I am, then please everyone, tell me to but out or shut up. I'm just finding the whole thing weird. I have a 14 year old daughter also and in no way would I be talking of moving a man in my house when my own children have yet to meet him ... but that's me.




okay, let the backlash begin......................

 

[shy slave]

I rarely post on Lit, but lurk alot. This thread caught my attention because when my mother first started dating my step dad I went over to her house one time when he was in town but not at her house.

When I got there I walk in and she is wearing a collar. I almost died. My mother is a confident, strong individual BUT is a person who needs a man to be the controlling factor in her life. But to walk in and see the collar I was so angry I could barely speak and when i did speak it was a snide remark about how perhaps the red collar my dog had would be more fitting. I was older than 14 though, I was about 23. (and my relationship with my mother has always been a strained one, her parents raised me from 8 to 17).

I was very uncomfortable with it and very angry at her for letting yet another man control her. It has been 5 years now and I realize he is a good man, though him and I don't always see eye to eye and I refuse to bite my tongue and be submissive to him in any way shape or form so we do argue on occassion but for the most part it's all good. She is submissive to him, but you can see the respect they have for each other in their relationship and this is probably the most healthy relationship she has had with a man so who am I to judge.

My 12 year old sister lives with them and I do think at times the relationship they have is hard on her. She is trying to define herself and test her limits. He is firm and patient with her though.

guess my rambly point is to give your daughter the right to be upset with your choices and maybe not openly accept them for a bit. It's hard to predict how she will react and as she grows and discovers herself her reactions may change also.

yeah ok, so now I'll butt out. Just had to give the opinion of someone who's not on either side of this but a "child" involved in finding out about a parents choice.

My ex and I did not live together but he visited most weekends.

My sons gradually became aware it was a different kind of relationship and they struggled with it.
At the time they had just turned 15 and 17 yrs.
The 15 yr old in particular could not stand the sight of him and hated it if he heard me offering to make him a drink or get him anything.
It caused a great deal of difficulty and a range of 'atmospheres' abounded in the house when they knew he was visiting.Many conversations began with 'Why does he have to come here' moving into questions of 'How can you sleep with him, he is sooooo gross.'

Once it was over my sons explained they thought he was trying to buy the right to sleep with me as he always bought me gifts (mostly unwanted crap *sigh*), they also thought he was a lazy, stupid person.

When my son turned 18 he informed me he knew I was a submissive and that was ok as long as i was safe (thats the short version of an interesting conversation lol)

Ironically their dislike of my ex has really helped how they view Andante.
They both like him although it shows in differing ways.
One of the things they have said is I don't wait on him hand and foot like a slave(!) and he appears to respect me.

We did not flaunt the D/s when he was here but they are out a great deal so we were still able to mix the two areas of life reasonably well.

His_pita you know your daughter best and teenage years are never that wonderful; all I have learnt from my sons is that they never want to feel I have chosen him over them.

Whilst he and I have plans of our own, his children and mine come before all of those plans...every time.

Please let us know how things work out for all of you

 

[Sir_Winston54]

To echo some of what shy and some of the others have said, your daughter does need to have an opportunity to meet with your new SO, and to interact with him before he becomes the head of the household. To simply bring him into the home without her ever having this opportunity is an almost-certain way to alienate her immediately, with little chance of redeeming the situation.

Presumably, he is intelligent enough not to come across to her as dominant or domineering, though "strong" and "decisive" are definitely neither; I'd hope that he also will listen to any concerns or issues she is brave enough to bring up (not knowing your daughter, it's impossible for me to guess if she would express concerns/issues to him after a few meetings, or to you, or simply retreat into sullenness), and respond to them with respect for her viewpoints and concerns.

She most definitely needs to know that she is still a central part of your life, that you will always be there for her when she needs (or just wants) her mother, and that you will always consider her best interests in anything that involves her; and that, while he may offer input/guidance/advice, your decisions regarding her will be made as her mother, not as his wife/SO.

As far as talking to her about D/s... whew! That's a very tough question. Much depends on your previous openness in discussing matters of sexuality and relationships; however, as someone else said, most 14-year-olds don't really want to think - let alone know - much about their parents' sex lives. That's a definite "squick" factor there! (Hell, at 55, I still don't want to know about my mother's sex life {when she had one, lol - she's 77 now and been "single" for many years}.)

You've had her around for her whole life, and you know her better - her maturity level, in particular - than we ever could. Use your best judgment in telling her what she is ready to know, needs to know, and wants to know. As far as a training collar, etc., anything you and He agree on can be a collar, and in fact, need not even be worn on the neck... or you can have an "everyday" collar, such as a silver or gold necklace that the two of you have designated for that purpose, and a leather training collar for the bedroom and for times when the two of you are alone or in a BDSM setting (e.g., play party, group meeting, etc.).

Good luck to you!

 

[Softouch911]

I want to echo My pita's thanks for all of the insightful and useful comments posted here. I'm the potential-pervert pedophile-bastard Dom in question, and in spite of it being a little strange to listen to these concerns about Myself, I completely concur with nearly everything that has been said.

When W/we first talked about a 24/7 relationship, there was some discussion of giving discipline and authority over the child to Me. But I've raised two of my own, and have dealt professionally with thousands of other teenagers, and it was clear to me that such an arrangement was nearly a guaranteed disaster for all of us, especially pita's daughter. pita, too, was clearly uncomfortable.

W/we muddled through several approaches, trying to preserve O/our right to a life beside the rights of the child, and trying to protect our love of play with the child's right to her innocence and privacy.

You have been very helpful to Us in sorting it out and W/we have some ideas W/we have become more comfortable with, basing our notions on your posts and on the need to remain flexible to react to the surprises that will occur. W/we wanted to share some of our ideas with you for further comment if you feel of a mind.

As Dom, but the new guy on the scene, I recognize that in matters respecting her child's growth as a normal teenager, pita must have authority over all policies and principles governing her daughter’s discipline. My primary role is to support pita’s policies for her daughter.

Because I will be the one at home, I will be in charge of the domestic issues. In those areas, such as household maintenance, I may encourage, and require the child to comply with the standards of neatness, etc., used in the house. She will also be expected to complete chores.

pita and I agree that her daughter must function as a member of the family and will be expected to treat all adults with respect, especially her mother, me, and her father (during visitation). Because her adjustment to a step family life may be traumatic, our response to her should be sympathetic and patient, as well as consistent and firm.

The child is bright. We don't think it's reasonable to pretend that she'll know absolutely nothing of the nature of the relationship W/we have. The child’s questions and comments regarding D/s should be answered with accuracy and clarity as well as with a clear understanding of her development when she asks them. She will be provided with the means to understand the loving nature, the respect, and the responsibilities this lifestyle imposes on her mother and on me, the Dominant.

Insofar as it is reasonable, she will not be exposed to BDSM activities or discussion, but since it, as well as D/s, will be a part of her home she may well come to question or suspect her mother's activities. Both pita and I will endeavor to maintain her privacy, but also to anticipate and react with respect to her curiosity, and to protect her from discomfort in her experience.

As a personal note, having agreed to help raise pita's daughter, I feel it is an obligation to try to be the father she requires, and I'll make a continuing effort to improve my relationship with her. I know that sometimes it is impossible to get a teen to let you in ... but after long years of working with kids in high school and college, as well as parenting for two, I think I stand a better chance than most.

Thank you again for all the great comments and well wishes.

Softouch

 

[shy slave]

Hi Softouch (aka potential-pervert pedophile-bastard Dom in question )

Your post makes interesting reading.

You and pita appear to have thought this through and tried to look at the potential outcomes from all angles.

I wish you luck in persuading pitas daughter to participate in family life and complete chores.

I am at the stage where I am glad I no longer have such battles, not because they help but because they are rarely at home and therefore make little mess lol.

If you have had experience of teens you know that battles come when you least expect them and over things you could not have anticipated.

My sons are discovering about our D/s lifestyle slowly and at their pace. We (my sons and I) have a long standing agreement from when they were very young 'Don't ask if youu don't really want to know' of course over the years the level and way the information has changed but the basic premise of being truthful remains.

My 18yr old has chosen to read about submission and learn about my choices; the 15yr old only wants to know at the point it affects him, and so far it does not, nor should it, impact on his life.

My personal opinion is you are right to agree that pita must have authority over all policies and principles governing her daughter’s discipline. My primary role is to support pita’s policies for her daughter.

Again just a personal view but pita is submissive to you not to her daughter and deferring back to you on every occasion may eventually undermine pitas relationship with her daughter.

That said, I don't envy you. My ex husband struggled on more than one occassion when I made a decision regarding the children that he disagreed with. He would distance himself from the decision made and (to his credit) did not say 'I told you so' if it turned out to be the wrong decision. In front of the children he always backed me.
Although we had a long standing agreement that we would not disagree in front of the children.

What fun it is for any teenageer to think their parents (or step parent) are arguing or disagreeing about them. It gives them a real opportunity to play one off against the other. Usually a 'game' played when they are younger and easily thwarted by adults it comes back in full force with a mix of deviousness and innocence!

It will be an interesting journey for all three of you and hopefully you will all gain from it.

However having read your post not sure you are a
potential-pervert pedophile-bastard Dom but instead a Dom who, with his submissive, seems determined to make things work

 

[shy slave]

I rarely post on Lit, but lurk alot. This thread caught my attention because when my mother first started dating my step dad I went over to her house one time when he was in town but not at her house.

When I got there I walk in and she is wearing a collar. I almost died. My mother is a confident, strong individual BUT is a person who needs a man to be the controlling factor in her life. But to walk in and see the collar I was so angry I could barely speak and when i did speak it was a snide remark about how perhaps the red collar my dog had would be more fitting. I was older than 14 though, I was about 23. (and my relationship with my mother has always been a strained one, her parents raised me from 8 to 17).

I was very uncomfortable with it and very angry at her for letting yet another man control her. It has been 5 years now and I realize he is a good man, though him and I don't always see eye to eye and I refuse to bite my tongue and be submissive to him in any way shape or form so we do argue on occassion but for the most part it's all good. She is submissive to him, but you can see the respect they have for each other in their relationship and this is probably the most healthy relationship she has had with a man so who am I to judge.

My 12 year old sister lives with them and I do think at times the relationship they have is hard on her. She is trying to define herself and test her limits. He is firm and patient with her though.

guess my rambly point is to give your daughter the right to be upset with your choices and maybe not openly accept them for a bit. It's hard to predict how she will react and as she grows and discovers herself her reactions may change also.

yeah ok, so now I'll butt out. Just had to give the opinion of someone who's not on either side of this but a "child" involved in finding out about a parents choice.

Hi AA

Oh oh two AA's this will be interesting lol

 

[bdsmToy]

wow wow.

I must say there is some very valid points in this thread. And again thanks for asking others input, I think alot of people here have pondered it and never thought of asking the question here.

Never underestimate the knowlege of sexual activities a 14-15yr old posseses. Now a days in pop culture BDSM is emerging and turning more main stream (as sad as I think it is, thats my personal views) I suggest you somehow tie it into that. Make it so that the young person can relate.

All in all explain that it is consesual and about LOVE, and that it is for the mutual benefit of both parties.

autum at the subshop has some good advice as well.
http://www.sub-shop.com/index.asp?PageAction=Custom&ID=21
look for mommies and daddies section, may help ya out

 

[Softouch911]

wow wow.

autum at the subshop has some good advice as well.
http://www.sub-shop.com/index.asp?PageAction=Custom&ID=21
look for mommies and daddies section, may help ya out

Thanks. Some clever ideas, though of course more on play than on dealing with kiddoes.