Had my first...sorta (help needed)

[Ravin the Poet]

Well, as I mentioned in my thread in the HT:Cafe, I got a new girlfriend, actually first girlfriend and so far it is going great between us. We seem to have got very close really fast, and for us, it is just perfect with hardly any problems.

Yesturday though, we were going to make love. The night before that, I spent 2 hours pleasuring her as best I could, mostly with my hands, lips and through oral. Got to say, when you experience your first orgasim, it's such an amazing thing. I got so much joy knowing I was making her so happy. It went a good two hours before we finally stopped, since I had no condoms and we both agree in safe sex. I say that is my first time, as sex, oral or not is sex. She has told me, she has never had anything like that before, and couldn't believe it. I had her shaking.

Anyways, as I said, we were going to make love yesturday and again I spent a good deal of time on her. When it came to the time to get the condom on, it wasn't going to happen. For someone reason, I failed to get an erection which I thought was odd, since any other time I could have. The same thing happened again when we tried later that night. She tried to help with her hands, but it didn't work. I assured her over and over it wasn't her fault, and told her of the many stories on Lit where someone blames themself. I don't blame her at all.

What I think the problem is, is a mix of three things. First, that was the first time I had been naked infront of someone, and I am sure that made me nervous and probably caused some problems because I do have an anxiety disorder, and it causes physical problems. The second problem deals with medication. I am on Zoloft for the anxiety and the side effects include decreased arousal. The third thing is also with medication, and the lose of sexual thought or mood.

I was really upset about it last night, because I wanted to make her happy, and I am 20, and shouldn't have these problems. She has been so amazing with me, and understands that my medication is playing a role in this because I am on a high dose.

My question is, is there anything I can do to help me, "get it up"? BJ's are kind of out, because she doesn't like them, and I am not going to ask her to do something she doesn't want to do (learned this from lit) and stopping my medication isn't an option as I know if I quit cold, it will cause problems. Luckly I have a doctors appointment on Monday, and I will bring this to the doctors attention. But any other ideas can be very helpful.

I must say this though to anyone who doubts lit's ability. I went into my first time, very confident in what I was doing, and actually remembered what I was doing. From what I hear from residence at school, most "university sex" is in and out and done. This was a 2 hour marathon and that was just the foreplay . I am very happy about my abilities, and am trying to remain positive as best I can.

Thanks for help as always.

Ravin

 

[SweetErika]

It may be the Zoloft, but if you're getting very aroused and erections, it's likely psychological.

Have you tried masturbating with condoms?

Is it possible you have other fears, like about the relationship being so new? Or that sex could mess up what you have with her? If things like that are a possibility, there's no harm in continuing to please each other in different ways for awhile until the relationship develops a little more. I've always found sex to be best with someone I know, care about, and feel secure with.

I think the main thing is not letting yourself get into a cycle where you expect this to happen. Masturbate with condoms, and tell yourself it was just first-time nerves and it'll be fine next time. Don't start thinking 'what if?'...instead, stay focused on how sexy she is, how good it'll feel, how turned on you are, and everything else that's arousing.

Make sure you get plenty of stimulation, like a handjob, maybe ask her to put the condom on while you look at and touch her or something, and go for it.

Congratulations!

 

[Tele2047]

Exact same thing happened to me when I was going to have sex for my first time (bout 7 months ago). I, like you, started out pretty fast in the relationship (sex after meeting for our second time). Don't worry about it. In my case I was just nervous about the whole thing. It took me a month or so before I got everything sorted out in my head and now consistently have normal erections in that situation.

 

[Quoll]

Congratulations Ravin.
As usual Erika has offered sound and practical advice. One thought I did have is that perhaps the condom is a bit like a switch, it's a sign that this is the real thing, this is going to happen, and of course there are all the little doubts and anxiety and what ifs that come along with it. Perhaps you could incorporate the condom in your extended foreplay (isn't that a great feeling knowing there are so many things you can do to please each other before you even think about intercourse), each of you can practice putting it on, make a game of it, see who can get it on the fastest, do this just for fun with no attempt at intercourse. It might cost you a bit in condoms but sex and fun is such a blast, and it could help to take away any mental triggers that may have developed. You also have the chance to be a bit more spontaneous, if you are just playing around and suddenly decide that since it is on, let's make love.
Have fun, take your time.

 

[glynndah]

I agree with the others who suggested that you ask your doctor on Monday. Perhaps the dosage can be moderated now that decreased sexual arousal is going to be a problem in reality, not just in theory. Practicing with the condoms also sounds like good advice. I wouldn't let the temporary lack of an erection wreck things for you. Just continue with the caresses and oral sex and take your time. Don't let this slight setback dominate the entire relationship.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Thank you all. And I want to make it clear, I am not letting this affect me. I do what ever I can to make sure she has a great enjoyable time. In my head, and the way I think, my job is to please her, which is turn is how I please myself. I like seeing her as happy as possible. I am going to let her read this and we will see what happens.

Any other suggests would be greatful.

Thanks again

Ravin

 

[SweetErika]

Switching to a different medication may help, so be sure to ask your doctor. I had a terrible time with antidepressants, but did really well with an anti-anxiety med like Buspar (buspirone). Toning down the anxiety was enough to help my depression, so I was able to stick with just the one drug.

 

[chris9]

What struck me in your first post was this

that was the first time I had been naked infront of someone, and I am sure that made me nervous and probably caused some problems because I do have an anxiety disorder, and it causes physical problems.

What I'm thinking is that you both should get comfortable with being naked together. Don't get undressed for the first time with a girl with the expectation of sex, but cuddle, hug, kiss, explore each other's body. Especially since you do have an anxienty disorder I'd imagine this to be important for you.
Have fun!

 

[devils_daughter]

Talk to the doctor on Monday hun. When my prozac was at it's highest dose I could get as aroused as I wanted and still couldn't cum which was so damn frustrating that the doctor lowered my dose thinking that being able to orgasm would be more beneficial to my depression then the drugs (worked damn well!!!). Just talk to them, they might be able to alter your meds to help with this. At the same time, guys get nervous just the same way we girls do when it comes to both losing your virginity and sex with a new partner for the first time. Relax and let it come naturally hun, you'll be fine.

 

[Eilan]

You've gotten some good advice, and I have nothing to add to that. Just wanted to say kudos to you for realizing that good sex is about the journey and not the destination. But, obviously, you've been around the Lit block long enough to know that.

Good luck.

 

[Scepter]

Everyone's given you excellent advice, this is more than likely a psychological problem rather than a physical one.. If you can masturbate without losing your erection, or if you wake with morning erections there is probably nothing physically wrong with you, it's probably performance anxiety or even shyness.

If she doesn't like oral sex perhaps she would enjoy giving you a handjob, don't focus on getting and maintaining an erection, focus on the feelings...

As a very last resort you might ask your doctor for a trial of Viagra or one of the other "erection" enhancing drugs.
They often help with even the psychological problems, and after you gain confidence you probably could discontinue them.

Good luck, you are handling this problem very well!

 

[Ravin the Poet]

You've gotten some good advice, and I have nothing to add to that. Just wanted to say kudos to you for realizing that good sex is about the journey and not the destination. But, obviously, you've been around the Lit block long enough to know that.

Good luck.

I got to agree, the journey is so much more enjoyable and fun then the destination. Espcially when you can reach the destination over and over again and keep the journey going. Lit has helped very well...My girlfriend approves!!

Ravin

 

[LadyJeanne]

What struck me in your first post was this

What I'm thinking is that you both should get comfortable with being naked together. Don't get undressed for the first time with a girl with the expectation of sex, but cuddle, hug, kiss, explore each other's body. Especially since you do have an anxienty disorder I'd imagine this to be important for you.
Have fun!

This is the best advice, I think.

What's the big rush? Get to know each other, your bodies, your breaths and sighs, the places that tickle, the places that rev you up, etc. before trying to fuck like bunnies.

Don't people date anymore? First kiss? Then some petting? Then some heavy petting? Where's the delicious build-up and anticipation?

 

[SweetErika]

This is the best advice, I think.

What's the big rush? Get to know each other, your bodies, your breaths and sighs, the places that tickle, the places that rev you up, etc. before trying to fuck like bunnies.

Don't people date anymore? First kiss? Then some petting? Then some heavy petting? Where's the delicious build-up and anticipation?

Great points, and I agree...getting to know and really care about each other, experimenting, and building up makes it all the better.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I guess for us, our relationship has gone very fast. The whole story of how we became a couple is a long story. I do agree, I want to get to know her better, but then again, I know you sometimes just can't go against your urges and what you think is right.


Ravin

 

[LadyJeanne]

I guess for us, our relationship has gone very fast. The whole story of how we became a couple is a long story. I do agree, I want to get to know her better, but then again, I know you sometimes just can't go against your urges and what you think is right.


Ravin

Yeah, see, that's just it, though. Your urges are what made you think having sex right away was "right". Yet, you obviously didn't feel comfortable enough for it to actually BE right. That's why you started this thread, isn't it? Because it wasn't right?

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Yeah, see, that's just it, though. Your urges are what made you think having sex right away was "right". Yet, you obviously didn't feel comfortable enough for it to actually BE right. That's why you started this thread, isn't it? Because it wasn't right?

I started this thread to figure out what I could do, not really to justify if it was right or not. That will be something to talk with my girlfriend about, as we are the only ones who can make that choice, although I do see where you are coming from. Mentally, I am there. I wouldn't have gone as far as I have without wanting to, so thats why I am not thinking so much psychological, rather more physical. One thing about me, if I don't want to do something, I don't. I don't just give in because someone wants me to.

Ravin

 

[LadyJeanne]

I started this thread to figure out what I could do, not really to justify if it was right or not. That will be something to talk with my girlfriend about, as we are the only ones who can make that choice, although I do see where you are coming from. Mentally, I am there. I wouldn't have gone as far as I have without wanting to, so thats why I am not thinking so much psychological, rather more physical. One thing about me, if I don't want to do something, I don't. I don't just give in because someone wants me to.

Ravin

You are missing my point. I'm not asking you to justify if anything was right or not. I am telling you what you can do: take it slower and get comfortable with each other physically, emotionally, mentally. The more comfortable you are with each other, the better the sex will be.

You said you felt nervous about being naked with her, and you said you have an anxiety disorder. You also said your relationship has gone very fast. You said you didn't get erect when you wanted to fuck. Mentally, you are NOT there. It's not physical. There is no physical reason for your penis to stay soft if it gets hard any other time.

 

[Chicklet]

I am on Zoloft for the anxiety and the side effects include decreased arousal. The third thing is also with medication, and the lose of sexual thought or mood.

I have to put in that when I was on Zoloft, I found it absolutely impossible to orgasm, or get aroused. My doctor switched me to Paxil for depression and anxiety, and my sex life came back! (woo!!) So I'm on everyone's side who suggested a discussion with the doc.

 

[brioche]

Everyone's given you excellent advice, this is more than likely a psychological problem rather than a physical one.. If you can masturbate without losing your erection, or if you wake with morning erections there is probably nothing physically wrong with you, it's probably performance anxiety or even shyness.

If she doesn't like oral sex perhaps she would enjoy giving you a handjob, don't focus on getting and maintaining an erection, focus on the feelings...

As a very last resort you might ask your doctor for a trial of Viagra or one of the other "erection" enhancing drugs.
They often help with even the psychological problems, and after you gain confidence you probably could discontinue them.

Good luck, you are handling this problem very well!

Viagra shouldn't be necessary.
First, you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
Second, when i was told to remain on antidepressants for the rest of my life, one of the first questions i asked the nurse was, what about the sexual side effects? This was a nurse at the anxiety disorder clinic and they have lots of experience. She told me to take gingko biloba, that it helps with blood circulation, and that fairly high doses of this are safe - up to two or three times the recommended if you are having problems. i have seen some improvement, but it's not overnight.

 

[Cathleen]

Ravin, I'm thrilled for you ~ for many reasons. The first being, you are talking openly with your girlfriend. Also that you are seeking knowledge and are completely honest with what's going on. I know how much you think of Lit (I agree), and can see you've heard great words already.

So, talk with the doc Monday, the meds can play a huge part in sexual behaviors. Definitely keep talking with your girlfriend and give things time.

I couldn't be happier for you Ravin, you have had some fantastic events happen in the last six plus months. Good for you.

 

[human_male]

I too had the same problems with my first when I was eighteen. We were best friends. Although I thought she was attractive and I wanted to have sex with her for some reason when it came to it I didn't get hard either. It never got resolved because we split up (not because of that) but now I think it was just because there was no chemistry, no spark for me. That's just the way it is sometimes. I do remember feeling really self conscious about getting it out in front of her. Maybe that's why. Or maybe I felt self conscious because it wasn't hard, who knows.

So talk to your doctor, try not to worry about it and remember you don't need your dick to pleasure a woman. But you know that.

On another note... you go down on her for two hours and she doesn't feel the need to reciprocate?

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I too had the same problems with my first when I was eighteen. We were best friends. Although I thought she was attractive and I wanted to have sex with her for some reason when it came to it I didn't get hard either. It never got resolved because we split up (not because of that) but now I think it was just because there was no chemistry, no spark for me. That's just the way it is sometimes. I do remember feeling really self conscious about getting it out in front of her. Maybe that's why. Or maybe I felt self conscious because it wasn't hard, who knows.

So talk to your doctor, try not to worry about it and remember you don't need your dick to pleasure a woman. But you know that.

On another note... you go down on her for two hours and she doesn't feel the need to reciprocate?

She doesn't like giving BJ's and I am not going to force her into something she doesn't like. It's fine with me, I enjoy pleasing her and don't ask for anything in return. I think when she gets more comfortable with her sexuality she will be more open to things, but for now, I will just be happy making her happy.

Ravin

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Ravin, I'm thrilled for you ~ for many reasons. The first being, you are talking openly with your girlfriend. Also that you are seeking knowledge and are completely honest with what's going on. I know how much you think of Lit (I agree), and can see you've heard great words already.

So, talk with the doc Monday, the meds can play a huge part in sexual behaviors. Definitely keep talking with your girlfriend and give things time.

I couldn't be happier for you Ravin, you have had some fantastic events happen in the last six plus months. Good for you.

The main flaw I find is that people my age, don't talk openly, and sex because the same over and over again. She is very interested in the things I have learned and wants to learn herself. Our relationship is so open, and I love it so much, because we don't hide anything.

Thank for so much for your kind words, That goes for all of you as well. The last few months have definitley been a wurl-wind of excitment, and it's just getting started.

Ravin

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Well it finally happened tonight. Everything went fine, and after a little extra work I was ready.

The night was so great. It wasn't just one of those, she shows up and he have sex. In fact, I cooked her a romantic candlelite dinner for her return and spent a very enjoyable evening with her.

Must say, has been one of the best days since I have been to school this year.

Ravin