none2_none2
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2004
- Posts
- 1,149
I completely understand where you are in life, and content with the choices you made. Just know that people we don't know and may never know observe others. Some may feel from reading on Literotica that all m2m relationships are ONLY about sex. When it truly it runs the gamut from just sex, to friendship with sex, to full lifetime commitments. I would wager plenty of people read your stories, but do not comment because they don't want to be perceived as a softy.
I shared this in the past; I'll share it again... It was way into 2 or 3 years of my sexual awakening before someone would let me perform the top role. It is a rather shameful story that led up to it. A man was writing on the restroom walls in one of the music department's men's rooms. It was a note that he was looking for a hot college jock. He would pay his housing expenses, and spend weekends with him for hot sex. I erased them not because of some moral superiority, but because I knew I was not good enough to respond to such a note.
Sure I was in shape, but I had scars from surgeries... Anyway, I finally ran into him in the restroom writing it again. (I was a music major that was too stupid to know I probably shouldn't cruise in my own back yard.) Anyway, he took me to his hotel, and we talked. I confessed and apologizes for covering up his notes. He told me his story. He had found the love of his life, and they had been in a relationship for a few short years. Then one day his lover told him he had a death in the family, and had to go to California and take care of the funeral arrangements, and of course he needed some money. This guy didn't hesitate to give his partner everything he asked for since he was his partner. Then the dude disappeared. The guy finally hired a private detective for fear that maybe his partner had been murdered. Well it turns out, nobody died at all! The guy simply wanted out of the relationship, and thought since they had been together for a few years he should be compensated financially.
The man had his heart shattered. In my mind the other guy from this story was a cowardly, cruel, manipulative, evil guy. I could not think of anything more cruel than to basically steal from someone who loved him dearly, and trusted him, just to get out of a relationship with a sizeable compensation. If he was unhappy, he should have told it to him he wasn't happy, and just left. Anyway, the man still had sexual needs, but never wanted to fall in love again. So he figured if he paid for it he wouldn't get hurt again, and since he was paying he figured he should get someone whom he considered hot -- a young college dude. He let me fuck him (my first topping experience), it was the first time I really truly enjoyed gay sex - it was earth shattering. I was also so moved by his story (as well ashamed of my presumptions that he himself wrote those messages out of some sinister superiority when in fact he was just trying to spare his heart from another horrible betrayal.
I never saw the guy again, but it profoundly changed me. It was my first glimpse of just how complicated a man's life and motivations could be. They too have hearts that can love and can be broken -- even by another man. I was versatile for a while after that. I eventually became a top only -- not because I was less gay, or more str8, or more manly, but because it never felt natural to me, and believe me after those first few years of being denied to try to top because I was told only hung guys can top, I had plenty of experiences to know bottoming was something that wasn't me. Where as when I was inside a guy, I felt like we were one. The orgasms were phenomenal, but it wasn't even about that. It was more about every moment I was inside a man, I was in someway trusted, wanted, desired, and maybe even loved to some degree. Also I felt that when a man trusts you to allow you inside him, he also open up his mind and heart to you. I had so many deep conversations with men after sex. What they wouldn't share with their family or other loved ones, they shared with me. That is why I simply don't buy this love-cock-not-men facade. I've seen so much more with so many men once they open up to you -- note they also were all sober and not on drugs.
Granted most men cannot constantly live in a Hallmark moment, otherwise they would never get anything done. On the other hand, I know that men are capable of thinking deep thoughts and feeling things -- deeper than just talking about the weather or their favorite sports teams.
Think of all the composers, visual artists, actors, etc. Imagine if they put no emotions in their craft. Then we would only have women in the Fine Arts as otherwise the works would not be moving.
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