Guys... Is this true?

[lilpriss]

If/when question here...

Okay, when my guy begins to pull back and talk about "single life" and acts like he isn't as into me, as he seemed before (kind of acting like an asshole), yet he continues to call and want me around, do things together, assume that off days are to be spent together... what's with that?

I heard that this is a sign that he's getting scared and trying to continue to assert his independance (b/c he's afraid of his feelings...) Is this true? Or is it more likely that he's stressed and feeling pressured to get more serious? I don't push him, but his family does. Or I'm wondering if he's just tired of me?

Background history... Been dating off and on for almost a year... I've not met someone who I get along so well with on so many levels... EVER. We aren't the kind to "need" an SO so there has been plenty of space and we've become more than lovers, I'd say he's my best friend. But the last week he's been being a dick.

I'm thinking, I wish I wouldn't have planned anything for next week with him at this time... so he'd get a chance to miss me!

 

[Meat Whistler]

Are we dating the same man? Bastard!

 

[lickmeslowly]

laughs out loud at dating the same bastard .... must be a few around...

 

[Bobmi357]

You didn't mention your or his age, so its hard to say.

But generally speaking, a younger guy (early 20's) will tend to find the prospect of a steady relationship somewhat daunting. An older guy pulling this routine will be doing it for different reasons than a 20yr old.

From the 20yr old's perspective, he's probably recently moved out from his folks, is enjoying the freedom of all that implies. And along suddenly comes a woman that he falls for. He wants her around, but he also wants his bachelorhood. Sooner or later he is going to have to make a decision, one or the other. The big issue for you right now is to not appear as to be pushing him to making that decision. Unless he's a totally confirmed commitaphobe, you can nudge him along without appearing to do so. I shouldn't speak so demeaningly of my gender, but young guys are pretty easy to manipulate.

I'd also be willing to bet he doesn't even realize what he's doing. But pointing it out to him is not necessarily a good idea at this point. My suggestion would be to dazzle him, then give him just enough space to realize what a hole your absence creates. Pull that enough times and he'll suddenly come to the decision about committing to you, and think it was all his idea.

 

[lilpriss]

Italian Goddess I hope not!!

and Bobmi, you always give good advice, thanks for responding. He's actually 36, and we met about 6 months after he came out of a serious, living together relationship with a woman who has a child. (4 yrs) if that adds any light to the situation.

I believe he's just scared, but I'm thinking it would be wise for me to be "busy" for a couple of weeks... and see if things change at all.

 

[ReadyOne]

I'd think that he needs/wants to make the most of what's out there and not get into the same situtation he was before untill he's sure about you.

It's like shopping under pressure and buying the first thing that's kind of OK and fits. You wonder a bit about what you could have found if you had devoted more time to the hunt. Doesn't mean you don't conclude that what you got turned out to be the best being offered.

You can discuss it up front, letting him know you want him and you want him to be sure he's going to be happy committing to you. It can be a fine line to walk; not appearing too clingy or appearing to reject him (where he might think you are "letting him down easily".)

Or you can start being hard to get, which he could see as a message that you want to move on. But maybe he won't take it that way and will benefit from the "space".

The old saying about "If you love someone set it free and let it come back to you" comes to mind. I'd opt to talk about it, maybe even subtley send him out to try things untill he gets enough experience/comparison points to realize just how good you two fit.

PS: I've been wrong before, and will be again...

 

[Carnus]

Pretty much, I have done that twice in my life and thankfully realized what I was doing before I hurt someone, but yeah, thats it I don't mean this to be unkind, but don't be too confrontational unless you want him gone, if you do he will retreat even more and pull bac, the best thing I can suggest is that if you want him, let him know how you feel and tell him that you will be there when he gets it figured out. I had someone do that for me, sadly a few years too late for both of us, but she is still someone I love and feel honored to know even if all we are now are friends.

Carnus

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I wouldn't sweat it, if it has just been a week. Just don't play games with the guy, ok? That never works, and usually makes things worse.

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

Well

if he is truely your best friend then talk to him. Say to him" hey you are being an asshole, whats up with that? I care for you and am not trying to Lock you into anything. If there is a problem tell me and together we can work it out. I don't know that there is a problem unless you tell me there is. Talk to him

Good luck
Holden

 

[DuckLover]

I'm especially with Johnny on this one-- if it's only been a week, I wouldn't panic yet. There are a thousand possible explanations, ranging from work stress, home stress, recent call from his ex- or even his circadian rythyms (essentially male PMS-- yes, it is real). If it continues for more than 2 weeks, then I'd start worrying.

If his behavior is really unacceptable, I say talk to him about it. As Holden and others said, if he's really a good friend, he can handle it. The key is staying focused on his observable behaviors. For example: you didn't call to say you'd be late, you called me a bitch in front of my friends, you came to my mom's party drunk, etc. Don't offer suggestions of WHY he did those things, merely point them out. (Remember, it's hard to argue with observable facts, and people will generally admit to behavioral mistakes but not character flaws.) If you can contrast his current behavior to past behavior, and/or point out a pattern of negative behavior that's concerning you, than your point will be more powerful. Tell him the truth-- that his behavior is confusing you and perhaps scaring you. Then ask him to please help you understand what's happening. (Not a justification of his behavior, though. Don't let it sound like "Why the hell did you show up drunk, you insensitive prick!") You may be very surprised by his explaination; as I said earlier, there are a thousand possible reasons. It's even possible that his behavior is a misguided call for help!

I hope that you are able to find the cause of this behavior and that it improves soon. Good luck!

 

[DuckLover]

To more directly answer your initial question, Yes, sometimes guys do act like jerks because of fear of commitment and trying to back out of a relationship. Of course, sometimes guys act like jerks merely because they are oblivious to the effects of their actions. Malice is not a prerequisite of jerk-like behavior among guys. Consequently, it is impossible to say if YOUR guy is acting like a jerk for malicious reasons or not, based upon the information you gave.

For the moment, I urge you to give him the benefit of the doubt. If his behavior is truly unacceptable, than point it out the same way you would any other time, but don't try to psychoanalyze the reasons for it.

 

[webber1998]

I'm kind of an open/honest person. I would just sit him the hell down and tell him just how you felt and not take " I don't know " for an answer. I don't know usually means I don't want to be bother by you so shut the fuck up. But thats just me. For others, I agree with a couple of the other posts. Time will tell whether it is just little breakdown or whether he is just a total ass. Give it another week or two, see how it goes.

 

[Amfig]

And sometimes when a guy says that he needs some space it is because he needs some space. My wife understands this. She has always given me a bit of space. Too much of a good thing is stifling. Flowers die of too much sun and over watering just as surely as they do from not enough.

 

[potatohead]

He's actually 36, and we met about 6 months after he came out of a serious, living together relationship with a woman who has a child. (4 yrs) if that adds any light to the situation.

Good advice from all the guys. Just be honest with him but NOT accusatory. If you go down that path chances are damn good that he'll shut you off and not listen (blah blah yap yap, does anyone hear that? think I'll get a beer and watch TV) to what your saying. Also, don't corner him. Bringing it up on a car ride probably isn't really a good idea.

As someone who's dated women with kids, you might not have any idea of what he went through or didn't go through. Some single mothers can put A LOT of pressure on a guy to become a father. Some guys can handle it, some can't and a lot of that depends on how the women acts. Personally, I have no problem dating anyone with a child but the fact that he's 36 and was living with the women...that shows serious signs of commitment. There was more to that relationship then good sex and something must've gone pretty bad for him to "bail out" of it.

Maybe he's scared of commitment but somehow I doubt it. It's much more likely that he's scared of commitment at this moment in time. My last relationship was pretty serious and the girl fucked my head up in a pretty big way and put me off relationships for a bit. Not just with women, but she managed to undermine my trust in the human race. Right now I'm feeling the itch for a relationship again but I'm going to be MUCH more cautious of who I let into my life and how much I let them in. Let's just say the defenses are on high alert. Compounding the matter for me is that it was my second long term relationship to fall apart when the subject of marrige came up. I dunno, I'm 25 and it's something I want. Does it relate to your situation? Who knows.

The fact that the two of you have been together for about a year without being serious is kind of key. IME that tends to be a make or break period and you find out where the relationship is really headed. It's quite possible that you're the "rebound chick" and he after the LTR with a mother and child (who might've started to call him Dad for all we know) he's not looking for a relationship and just wants to enjoy being "free" for a while. Call me curious, but is he the father of the ex's child? That could shed A LOT of light on it.

I dunno, it's almost 5am and I should be sleeping. I hope some of this helped.

 

[lilpriss]

No, he's not the child's faher, but the child still calls him"dad" and they are still in contact... which I am ok with. To a certain extent.

And here's an update...

I did bring up his behaivior, pointed out that's he's been being a putz... in a little bit of a joking manner... and he took it like he has taken anything else we've talked out or had to deal with, in stride. I like to think I've handled most of the things that come up pretty well. It's like I told him, I know that if he wanted to be with someone else, then he would. And the same goes for me.

Has his behavior changed? Well we'll see.

Thanks for all the replies, it's good to know there are "guy spies" we chicks can turn to if questions like these turn up. And you guys know the pendulum swings both ways!

 

[DuckLover]

Thanks for all the replies, it's good to know there are "guy spies" we chicks can turn to if questions like these turn up. And you guys know the pendulum swings both ways!

Well, damn. "Guy spies!" I feel like James freakin-Bond now! Thanks for the ego boost Lilpriss! ("Lover by name, lover by reputation...")

 

[bearlee]

If/when question here...


I'm thinking, I wish I wouldn't have planned anything for next week with him at this time... so he'd get a chance to miss me!

All kinds of great of advice here and I doubt I can add much. Part of my job requires me to read tons of stuff and I wish I had the magazine so I could refer you to the exact article, Jim Dobson wrote an article on pulling away and I can't even paraphrase it all that well, but basically let him go and he very well may miss you.

Keep in mind, I'm a guy so who knows, but most of the people I represent are women and while no expert on relationships, the one thing I've noticed over the years is the person that wants a person keeps moving closer and the other person pulls back. But, when the pursuit stops, the other person does wonder and sometimes moves closer. If the relationship is really good-communication is the key. Tell him what you want, what you need and how you feel. If he still backs off without any effort to meet your needs...well-I guess that gives you some kind of an answer.

 

[Guest]

I might be able to shed some light on your problem because I have been treating my lover the same way.

We've been together for a few years and we genuinely love each other but I have never found a woman that drives me insane like she does and I just don't think it will work and I want to break it off. I know we'll always be friends, or so I'd like. But I cannot stay with her because she brings out my bad side and it's not healthy for either of us. I would be there whenever she needed me but as far as remaining lovers it's probably not a good idea. Sometimes when a woman gets close to a man it does scare him off. Especially if he's young and not ready to commit for whatever reason. Mostly it has to do with us, and not the woman. God I have dated some beautiful women, in every way, and I'm kicking myself now because I didn't give them the chance to help me grow up. You can't expect someone to give you the love you deserve until they learn to love themselves. Good luck darlin'

 

[bearlee]

You know, after the reading the insights of TBB, it did get me to thinking. Men, especially maybe older ones, aren't real good at letting women, or people for that matter, real close to them. I'm lucky now I have someone I can do that with but even then, sometimes I back away. Fear of getting hurt I suppose if one has been hurt in the past. When you open up you expose yourself and make yourself vulnerable. Maybe men don't do that as well as women. On the other hand, maybe we don't have the emotional outlets women have. Most women have friends they can confide in. I'm not sure men do at all. Women seem to be able to talk to other women about their feelings and I can't think of a guy I can do that with. Baseball, etc. yes-my feelings about my lady-no. I'm not sure I've said anything here, but somehow it means something to me.