Group Poem "Live" by Risque Refrains

[Risque Refrains]

Live
by Risque Refrains ©<edited version>

Birth death birth
It is the way to life, to live, to live for
Breath of orgasm... shudder shiver BLISS
Wave of ground, fire of wind
Burning desire
It begins it ends it begins again
Birth death birth

Melting into my soul
Giving me the will to live
Through your deep love
Kissing, caressing, embracing tightly
Making me alive as I never have been
Softening my cold heart forever into oblivion
Breathe your sweet love through me

Pant lust's fire
Inhale earth's intensity
Exhale this singular moment
Scream it into eternity
Return me to sacred dust
That in this space of birth death birth
We might, as one, live

Live
by Risque Refrains ©


Birth death birth
It is the way to life, to live, to live for
Breath of (orgasm!)… shudder shiver BLISS
Wave of ground, fire of wind
Burning desire
It begins it ends it begins again
Birth death birth

Melting into my soul
Giving me the will to live
Through your deep love
Kissing, caressing, embracing tightly
Making me alive again as I never have been
Melting my cold heart forever into oblivion
Breathe your sweet love through me.....

Pant earth’s fire
Inhale my lusty intensity
Exhale this singular moment
Scream it into eternity
Return me to sacred dust
That in this space of birth death birth,
We might, as one, live

 

[Unmasked Poet]

I am still reading and rereading this one. I have to say at first glance this is one of the more ambitious efforts. I am struck by the thought "multiple orgasm" to desribe this poem. I find the middle stanza somewhat at odds with the begining and the last. I will write more about this poem shortly.

U.P.

 

[Savage Kitten]

What I like best about this one is that it says so much with so few words.

The repitition in the first stanza hits me like a tidal wave, it lifts me up, then crashes down, then lifts me up again.

The second stanza is more personal, as if the writer is talking to someone specific. Where as the 1st and 3rd could be praising copulation, creation, and existance as a whole.

The third stanza grips the other two tightly, squeezing droplets of their meaning into it's own. To me the third stanza is what makes the other 2 work.

Pretty good effort... i gave you all a 3.

Sk~

 

[Debbie]

I liked this poem, it made me think. The opening line birth death birth spoke to me about life being a never ending cycle, you are born, you die but there is always rebirth or a new birth.

But I felt it also had a second meaning, as in procreation to continue the cycle of birth, death birth.

"Birth death birth
It is the way to life, to live, to live for"


Also I liked the way the first and second stanza use of words like burning desire, fire of wind, pant earth's fire. Combining the feeling of heat, desire.


"Wave of ground, fire of wind"
I had to think about this for awhile, does it refer to the feeding of the wind to a fire, inflaming it?
If so, I was impressed.

I loved the lines in the third stanza

"Inhale my lusty intensity
Exhale this singular moment
Scream it into eternity "

Hot, hot hot...


The middle stanza stands out a little. Seeming to wander from the first and second. But the more I read it? The more I like it. It is as if the poem was written by one person but the poet was reflecting the thoughts of life on a more personal note.

 

[TheDR4KE]

I saw this as a dialogue between Nature in stanza one, a God or Goddess in stanza two and humanity in the third. Nature lives and dies and lives again. Gods don't die and live through the expression of their creation -- i.e. the live/die/live cycle of nature. We are a part of both...

Poetically I'm left a bit cold by this poem, but symbolically I love it.

Drake

 

[Guest]

This poem has so much to offer if we only open our hearts to the message. Dillinger wrote a wonderful beginning that cried out to me that in life there is death. It's a repeating circle - birth, death, birth. Haven't we all started to realize that as we age this is becoming much more evident? When we are young, we are immortal. It's not until we age that we discover we're not that way at all. There is finality to our birth.
In his words.." Breath of (orgasm!)… shudder shiver BLISS" - that's exactly what life is - that's exactly what death is too - it's that final, emotion generating moment when it all ends. Ecstasy ends, death begins. I'm getting way too deep with this. But, this is how it struck me after reading through it several times.

The second stanza carries on the tradition of the first. It's about how a person can give life to another person just by the fact that they care/love them. It's our need for human contact that attracts me to this verse.

In the third stanza, it is the final act of living - death. It's that one last breath, that one last moment when we are one with those around us. We understand everything fully, we have seen where we came from and where we are going. Death, birth, death. It could quite possibly be in this order, too. For in order to die, you must be born. In order to live, you must be born. In order to love, you must have lived and died each time you have allowed someone in.

Well, done, Risque Refrains, this was well worth the effort you all put into it. It was a thought provoking poem.

Thank you.

Enchanted

 

[daughter]

the gift of seeing through another's eyes

Enchanted, your outlook is one of the things I admire about you most. Your interpretations are incredibly earnest and empathetic. I got a lot from your commentary.

The presentation and images in this piece are stilted and stark for me. I could appreciate the message but the style of the writing doesn't elicit any emotional connection for me. I wanted something concrete to define the abstract. I believe I understand the usage of the repetition, but they don't work for me either because nothing defines it. This is more tell than show. That leaves me on the outside looking in.

I wanted the writer to articulate his feelings with more images. Here, the writer is relying on me to connect because of the emotions they believe this will elicit. That would work if I felt as they do, but there isn't much that illustrates how they felt. What does 'lusty intensity' feel like? What does the poet do to elicit that in the reader?

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[perks]

hey guys, thanks for the input so far. I've been unavailable for the last couple of days, so I haven't been able to get online, but I'm here now.

I was kinda freaked when I got the first to stanza's of this poem. It is difficult seeing through the eyes of another person, finding their rhythm. I'm sure lots of you discovered this. I tried to find the thread...and so I read it.....and read it.......and reread it again.
There it was........breath of orgasm....tigerjen defined breath of orgasm in her stanza. THAT, daughter....the whole second stanza.....is lusty intensity. That's how she loves, how she feels. From the beginning of time, the metaphysical....through life...an orgasm..***** as orgasm...back to dust.....back to the beginning. It's an orgasmic circle......lusty intensity.

tying the metaphysical with the reality....that was my job.

we all know the difficulties, of not being able to go back and edit..especially with three people writing. I think this poem shows great promise, and with the strength of a three person editorial has the capability to be spirtually strong.

perks <risque refrains 3rd leg>

 

[Camille]

Stuck in the middle

I want to like this poem, and I love the language. The poem did not mesh well enough for me. I thought the second stanza was too formula. The first stanza was good and the third better.

Cam

 

[lovetoread]

I liked the descriptive way this poem is written. However,it took me 3 reads to actually understand it. I personally had no problems with the second stanza, it seemed good to me.

 

[alltherage]

Of the poems I have read so far this is my favorite. It speaks to me of those intense moments of life that are so sweet because they are so brief. As is life. There is a place of peace in this poem that I have found in my own life. Finality is not to be feared but embraced. I pity those who cling to life so hard that they fail to enjoy it as I do those who feel the need to hold themselves back when they make love. In both cases they are cheated and made incapable of embracing the very nature of our existance. I really liked this poem.

 

[mskittykatt]

Hello and well met Risque Refrain,
i just can't figure out what to say to this... each time i read it a different line, or verse makes more sense to me the the others. although i can say that it touches me on some level each time i've read it... still confused but still reading,

 

[Whispersecret]

Live
by Risque Refrains ©


Birth death birth
It is the way to life, to live, to live for
Breath of (orgasm!)… shudder shiver BLISS
Wave of ground, fire of wind
Burning desire
It begins it ends it begins again
Birth death birth

The third line is so strange, that even now, after several readings, I'm still unsure as to how I feel about it. I think this is the most erotic of the Olympic poems. I'm not sure what a wave of ground is...perhaps an earthquake? ("I felt the earth move, baby. Did you?" Heh heh) "Fire of wind?" Not sure about that either.

As a punctuation police officer it's strange that the absence of commas in the 1st, 6th and 7th lines didn't bother me. Perhaps because it was a cyclical message. "Burning desire," is cliche.

Melting into my soul
Giving me the will to live
Through your deep love
Kissing, caressing, embracing tightly
Making me alive again as I never have been
Melting my cold heart forever into oblivion
Breathe your sweet love through me.....

This stanza was over the top gushy for me. When you use the word "soul," I think you need to be extremely careful. It's a very powerful word, and if the piece hasn't built up sufficient emotion to support the use of the word "soul," it comes off as trite. "Melting" is used twice. I liked the line "breathe your sweet love through me," but would have omitted the word "sweet."

Pant earth’s fire
Inhale my lusty intensity
Exhale this singular moment
Scream it into eternity
Return me to sacred dust
That in this space of birth death birth,
We might, as one, live

I must be too literal, because I can't seem to get around the idea of someone panting fire, unless it was fire coming from within themselves, which this isn't, because it's the earth's fire.

I didn't care for the double long e sound in "lusty intensity," and the word "lusty" for me implies a certain playfulness and insouciance (sp?) Something "intensity" isn't. Would have chosen a different word. I liked the third line a lot, but think that it might have been better to inhale the moment rather than exhale it, because inhaling it would mean you could keep it inside.

This poem, especially the last stanza, says something about the sexual union to me. Le petit morte (orgasm) might be what the poets are referring to, and so that would mean that in the last stanza they're talking about how when two people are united physically and emotionally, they live as one in that moment.

And, yeah, I am a hopeless romantic.

 

[tigerjen]

thank you lovetoread!

I liked the descriptive way this poem is written. However,it took me 3 reads to actually understand it. I personally had no problems with the second stanza, it seemed good to me.

lovetoread.....
thank you, thank you!
(i wrote the 2nd stanza!)

tigerjen

 

[RisiaSkye]

Live
by Risque Refrains ©


Birth death birth
It is the way to life, to live, to live for
Breath of (orgasm!)… shudder shiver BLISS
Wave of ground, fire of wind
Burning desire
It begins it ends it begins again
Birth death birth

I think the use of repetition and capitalization works to convey the imagery and *emotion* of orgasm very well. This brings to mind the french phrase for orgasm "le petit mort"--the little death. And the cyclic natures of love, living, and the steady build to orgasm are combined and reflected very well by the stanza. An excellent start.

Melting into my soul
Giving me the will to live
Through your deep love
Kissing, caressing, embracing tightly
Making me alive again as I never have been
Melting my cold heart forever into oblivion
Breathe your sweet love through me.....

I like this stanza, but it seems to go in a new direction, and it seems more *directed*, as though it was written to someone, where the first seems more abstract. But I really enjoyed the line "Breathe your sweet love through me," which also does a good job of returning to the life/death/orgasm cycle of the first stanza. This stanza could also work really well as a response to the first one, as a conversation between the souls of lovers.

Pant earth’s fire
Inhale my lusty intensity
Exhale this singular moment
Scream it into eternity
Return me to sacred dust
That in this space of birth death birth,
We might, as one, live

"Inhale my lusty intensity/Exhale this singular moment". These are terrific lines, just outstanding. I think this stanza returns to the complex thematic content of the first stanza, and does it well, continuing the idea into the necessary ending. The end of orgasm, and the "sacred dust" of death just work--especially with the return to repetition and cycles in the next line.

Having commented on a few of these poems, I'm running out of deconstructionist brain power. Sorry that this was't terribly thorough.

Overall, this was both touched by the erotic, and it moved me to think, so I couldn't help but like it.

 

[alice]

value of a few reads

I'm with perky. If I could catch the rhythm here, I'm sure this would be even better. I bet if it I heard it live I'd like more.

Congratulations.

alice

 

[KillerMuffin]

The first stanza is about the sexual orgasm parallel to life. The second stanza is about a romantic style need for another person. The third stanza is about life itself described with terms normally applied sexually.

To make this division worse, there isn't much continuity in style at all. The first is short, clipped words and phrases. The second is longer, more langorous words. The third uses mid-length words, but they're more clipped in feelings. Couple that with the completely different meters and different rhythms and you get something of a flow problem.

This poem lacks continuity to me. It looks like three poems with similar words pushed together.

Individually, each stanza is good. They don't appear to work together to me.

 

[Dillinger]

Thank you all for your comments... *smile*

KM baby - "The first stanza is about the sexual orgasm parallel to life." - Damn you is one insightful bitch. *grin* I'll explain some of the other concepts I was trying to touch on below...

RisiaSkye - ah, leave it to you to make the connection to the little death. Very good. " And the cyclic natures of love, living, and the steady build to orgasm" Its all a cycle, a wheel of life...

WS - long time. *smile* Good to see you. "The third line is so strange, that even now, after several readings, I'm still unsure as to how I feel about it. " Me too... I was wondering if anyone would pick up on this. I think you know my writing style - or approach perhaps better then some. I work on instinct and I don't labor long over my words - I work on inspiration or under pressure. I got the title and I let it idle in the back of my brain for a while as I did other things. When I sat down to write it all came out in maybe 5 minutes... however, very unlike me, I spent a good deal of time agonizing over adding one word... orgasm. Which is why it ultimately ended up in parenthesis. The reason I agonized over it is that my personal feeling was that it was unnecessary. That the orgasm was implied without the need to say it outright. But my internal struggle was with whether my personal knowledge of the alchemical symbolism implied in:

...way to life, to live, to live for

And very explicit (which I'm surprised no one seems to have caught) in:

Wave of ground, fire of wind
Burning desire

Would be apparent to others without having had a similar background to my own in such matters. I wanted my meaning to get across yet I somewhat compromised my poetic instinct in doing so.

Earth - Air - Fire - Water -- The four "elements," associated with life's eternal cycle of birth.

Bull, Taurus, Earth, Discs, Diamonds, Bride, Master of the West
Eagle, Aquarius, Air, Swords, Spades, Orfee, Master of the South
Lion, Leo, Fire, Wands, Clubs, Robin, Master of the North
Man, Libra, Water, Cups, Hearts, Maria, Master of the East

And, in alchemical terms:

Y = 01 = fire
H = 00 = water
V = 11 = air
H = 10 = earth

YHVH. Yod, Hay, Vauf, Hay - the secret unspeakable name of GOD.

So... Wave = water. Ground = earth. Fire = fire (of course). Wind = air. Wave of water, fire of wind is the combining of the elements, the Sexual Union.

(For He is like a refiner's fire. -- Handel's "Messiah")

Punctuation - rules are meant to be broken, at the right time and place, of course. In this case the punctuation would have provided separation which would have defeated the point which I could also have chosen to state as birthdeathbirth.

Mskittykatt - "it touches me on some level each time I've read it... still confused but still reading... *smile* Thank you - perhaps I've cleared up some of the confusion, at least as it relates to the first verse. Though sometimes it's better not to be too explicit. Maybe it's better for the reader to have his or her own personal understanding?

alltherage - Thank you as well! "Finality is not to be feared but embraced." - indeed! *smile*

lovetoread - and to you thanks as well. I wonder if your understanding is in line with what I described (again - speaking for the verse I wrote)

Camille - meshing is the key, and the hardest to accomplish.

Daughter - I think your comment about "something concrete to define the abstract" is very interesting. My symbolism was taken from the inner teachings of what, at least once, were very secretive societies. When speaking of the "mysteries" one NEVER talks in concrete terms. It is always shrouded in hidden meanings and presented in the abstract. The worst thing one could do to someone starting out on the "path" was to hand him or her the answers. One only can learn - understand - by discovering the answers and meanings for themselves.

Enchanted "that in life there is death. It's a repeating circle - birth, death, birth" And in death there is life as well. Very insightful. Thank you.

TheDR4KE - I like your take on the different dialogs. The first verse as nature is well put. From a philosophical point of view the concept of "Nature's God" intrigues me and somewhat colors my work. "Gods don't die and live through the expression of their creation -- i.e. the live/die/live cycle of nature. We are a part of both... Yes... and we ARE Gods.... every man, every woman is a star.

debbiexxx - never ending cycle. Everyone seems to have picked up on that theme which pleases me to no end (for, of course, there is no end!) "Wave of ground, fire of wind" I had to think about this for awhile, does it refer to the feeding of the wind to a fire, inflaming it?" In a sense yes, as I mentioned above, it is the union of the elements - no element stands by itself but is dependent on the others as compliment and opposite.

Savage Kitten - "The repetition in the first stanza hits me like a tidal wave, it lifts me up, then crashes down, then lifts me up again." A cyclical comment in and of itself. And playing of the nature theme. Wave or particle, I wonder.

Unmasked Poet - Ah... multiple orgasms - such a desired state to be in... Is not the fire of creation a never-ending orgasm?

alice - I'd love to hear it live myself - read in unison with my teammates.

perky_baby and tigerjen - I am quite impressed - thrilled - with how you both picked up on the themes I tried to express in the opening stanza and yet still maintained your own voices as you did so. I only hope I can do as well when it is someday my part to pick up on the words of another.

 

[Jazzy2]

(((jazzy shakin' her head)))

say it ain't so. Maybe if we were sittin' in the dark, and I was sippin' on my jack and soda, but I ain't, and this ain't workin' for me.

hey, but others are feelin' it so I don't think you all goin' lose any sleep. lol

jazzy2

 

[Dillinger]

The edited version has been placed on the first post of this thread (thanks Perky!). Since editing doesn't bump a thread back up or in any way indicate that there has been something added to the thread I'm posting here to indicate we've completed the 2nd leg of the "competition."

 

[tigerjen]

thanks, perky for putting the edited version up!

dilly & perky......lookin' good here......I think we've
got it made!

tigerjen

 

[Whispersecret]

The changes didn't make much difference to me. Oh, except for the deletion of the parentheses. Much better without.

 

[Dillinger]

Very minor changes... one word in the last verse... some punctuation... and the elimination of the parenthesis. I actually wanted to keep the parenthesis but I didn't mind too terribly taking them out either.

As I said in the thread for this particular event:

It's an interesting final challenge you gave us, UP.

It's one thing to run what amount's to a relay, each of us picking up where the other left off and then being on our own to take our lap and pass the baton...

But to ask 3 poets to collaborate on making changes is asking for trouble. While we created a poem together, we each had our own vision of what was being said, how it was being said, and what it meant.

Our team will be lucky to agree on some minor punctuation changes, let alone any actual word changes... *lol*

This is not a bad thing, or in any way indicates any lack on anyone's part. I think it's actually commendable. Each of us has a commitment to what we wrote and why we wrote it (and even as to why we used certain punctuation - or not) .