Group "activities" vs monogamy

[frustratedpoodle]

Sticky Situation

Sheath made some very good points.

Now, I'm going to throw in my two cents.

Obviously, you are feeling guilty about what's already happened. Because he would have been against your cuddling naked with some other person, it was a breach of respect to the relationship. What's done is done. I'm not here to judge you. Whether you choose to tell him or not really depends on you and what risks you are willing to take with the truth. Honesty is the best policy, but realistically, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Just don't let lies, of omission or otherwise, go further than this one.

If you do not plan to tell, then you cannot plan to do it again without his knowledge. At that point, it's not an unexpected bit of cuddling at a nude party. It's going out of your way to breach his respect, and not a good way to preserve a relationship. You just don't cheat, y'know? To continue on this vein would be unfair to you both.

Now, that all out of the way, you need to analyze your desires. You've already said that this guy is worth keeping, and you don't want to rock the boat. That tells me that he is more important than a fantasy, and that you recognize this as being fantasy. So, as long as you are with him and he is against this sort of play, then it must remain fantasy. Don't worry about changing his outlook on it. Chances are, he will never go for it unless something changes within him years from now and he is entirely comfortable and secure with you.

There are people that can't be monogamous. If you have it set in your heart and mind that you are only bothered by this because it is a fantasy, then you can be faithful to him, and you can let go of this idea. That's a small sacrifice to make for someone that you care for deeply.

If you cannot, and you feel that the freedom to partake in group activities is more important, then it's time to let him know what he's getting into, and allow him the choices he deserves to be able to make. That in and of itself would be a monumental act of selflessness and love.

Good luck with this, and always follow your heart and do what's right and practical.

The Poodle

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Spenser41]

The problem with what is going on is not so much about cheating and lying which you did do. The problem is, you are not ready for a commitment. The fact that you went out and did this and really want to do it again says, I am not ready to commit. And the fact it is eating you up inside and you really want to do it again says you are not ready. You know if you tell him he will blow and you will lose him, but the desires are pulling at you and telling your body you want more. The thing is, which has more control over you? If you love this guy, then end this other stuff and put it behind you and never go there again. If the desires are so strong you are not sure you can do it, then do not lead the guy on and hurt him down the road. End your relationship with him and let your desires rule you which is really what you are saying.
Personally, I do not feel you are ready for a committed relationship if you would go and do something like this. Or it just could be, this guy is not the one for you because if he was, you would not have gone alone or cheated or lied about any of it. You would have included him or not done it at all. So, let the guy go or turn your back on the party people.

 

[phoenix1224]

Many people who have posted replies have told you to find out where his boundaries are... Well, he already told you where his boundaries are and that he wouldn't be cool with what you have already done... So, by his standards, you've cheated...

Temptation is something we all feel... Hell, I think I've felt more temptation when I've been in a relationship, than when I haven't been in one... I guess it's the forbidden fruit thing...

But, I've never given into that temptation (even though I ALMOST did once)... We are human beings and have free will (unlike all other species) and we don't have to be slaves to our instincts and urges...

So, you have a decision to make... Which is more important to you... Your boyfriend... or your urges to be with others?

If your answer is your boyfriend... Keep what you have done to yourself and live with the guilt in silence... Unless, of course, you want to break his heart...

 

[K5Rakitan]

I know I am getting in on this discussion late in the game, but I am curious to know what happened and how things worked out for you.

For the most part, I agree with the definitions of "cheating" people have used here. I have never cheated on anyone nor has anyone cheated on me. I have always been too open and honest for that. However, I have been in a similar situation emotionally speaking.

I found out that being stuck with one man all the time would never work for me when I was 19. I was dating a 24 year-old cutie at the time, and one day he asked me if I would break up with him if he ever cheated on me.

I was actually quite excited by this question because I thought he was about to tell me that he wanted to have a threesome or something. Therefore, I answered honestly and said, "No, I would not break up with you if you cheated on me."

Immediately, he said, "Well, I want you to know that I would break up with you if you ever cheated on me."

"Oh. OK"

We had only been going out a month and were not especially attached to each other, so we ended the relationship before I found myself in a position to cheat. Promptly after that, I decided that what I really wanted was a non-monogamous relationship. Why not? People have been doing it in other cultures for thousands of years. In Tibet, their form of non-monogamy is fraternal polyandry. All the sons in a family will marry the same wife so they don't have to split up their farms.

When meeting someone new, the default assumption is monogamy. I think this is unfortunate and people should talk more about their needs/wants before getting too deeply involved. So, that's what I did with my next four potential boyfriends and now I have a really awesome one!

 

[Miles Long]

I know I am getting in on this discussion late in the game, but I am curious to know what happened and how things worked out for you.

For the most part, I agree with the definitions of "cheating" people have used here. I have never cheated on anyone nor has anyone cheated on me. I have always been too open and honest for that. However, I have been in a similar situation emotionally speaking.

I found out that being stuck with one man all the time would never work for me when I was 19. I was dating a 24 year-old cutie at the time, and one day he asked me if I would break up with him if he ever cheated on me.

I was actually quite excited by this question because I thought he was about to tell me that he wanted to have a threesome or something. Therefore, I answered honestly and said, "No, I would not break up with you if you cheated on me."

Immediately, he said, "Well, I want you to know that I would break up with you if you ever cheated on me."

"Oh. OK"

We had only been going out a month and were not especially attached to each other, so we ended the relationship before I found myself in a position to cheat. Promptly after that, I decided that what I really wanted was a non-monogamous relationship. Why not? People have been doing it in other cultures for thousands of years. In Tibet, their form of non-monogamy is fraternal polyandry. All the sons in a family will marry the same wife so they don't have to split up their farms.

When meeting someone new, the default assumption is monogamy. I think this is unfortunate and people should talk more about their needs/wants before getting too deeply involved. So, that's what I did with my next four potential boyfriends and now I have a really awesome one!

LOL @ "late in the game"

How did you even find this thread? The last post before tonight was 8 years ago!

 

[K5Rakitan]

It was on The Black Manual sticky thread. I was in the mood to talk to people, so this is where I came!