Grief mgmt.

[intothewoods]

I am 42 years old. I am doing fuck all and it is funded by my family because they don't know what else to do. Oh, that's the other thing, I'm surrounded by heavy duty achievers.

Ahhhhh, okay. I think your sense of humor makes you sound young. I would say other things are going on. And the current situation doesn't sound healthy. But you knew that. How about a new therapist btw?

I lost my mom when I was in college. And it definitely took longer than 2 years to get over it.

 

[zuzub]

Basically I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. In fact, I don't have to do anything at all. What great, stupid, useless life.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Basically I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. In fact, I don't have to do anything at all. What great, stupid, useless life.

See EG's post above, and find some ways that please you, or would please your mother - even little ways - to make it a great, happy, useful life.

 

[FurryFury]

Basically I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. In fact, I don't have to do anything at all. What great, stupid, useless life.

This is NOT the way to be kind to yourself. Your brain hears that yanno?

 

[zuzub]

See EG's post above, and find some ways that please you, or would please your mother - even little ways - to make it a great, happy, useful life.

Good point. Life doesn't have to be useless unless you want it to be. I don't want that, but I'm a lazy bitch. I started drinking today at 11:30 am because I could and there was nothing else to do. Who cares if I do that? I dont. It was fun.

Does that mean you won't kiss me on the mouth? <evil grin> Did you look at my silly site?

I want to talk about you guys, but I want to be respectful. So obviously I have no clue how to do it. If you could choose how to represent yourselves, what would you say?

 

[zuzub]

Please think about it. On the message board where I live, (Dose.ca) I talk about you guys all the time. I usually thank you for ideas, but also for some decent support. I have a lot of respect for you which totally fucks me up because I'm really not that nice. I don't know where I fit here. I'm just glad that you let me hang out. Please let me write about you in a way that's OK.

What say you?

BTW - if you say NO that's OK too.

 

[zuzub]

OK, I get it. No talking about the 'kinky people', that's what I call you on my home board. Fair enough. Silence is worth the price of admission to your world. I hope you're not insulted by being called the 'kinky people', hey, it's what I aspire to.....

 

[intothewoods]

I think kinky people is fine.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Please think about it. On the message board where I live, (Dose.ca) I talk about you guys all the time. I usually thank you for ideas, but also for some decent support. I have a lot of respect for you which totally fucks me up because I'm really not that nice. I don't know where I fit here. I'm just glad that you let me hang out. Please let me write about you in a way that's OK.

What say you?

BTW - if you say NO that's OK too.

I think the fact that you got such a caring response from the people on this board is a show of how much you have been accepted. The "silence" was a result of the late hour.

 

[JupitersGirl]

I think the fact that you got such a caring response from the people on this board is a show of how much you have been accepted. The "silence" was a result of the late hour.

That and the fact that I don't think any one poster feels like they can answer for everyone.

As far as I am concerned, "kinky people" is fine by me.

 

[Netzach]

Is there a federally mandated timeline or is 2 years what your FAMILY thinks it should take you to get over it?

How do you get over it? You don't. You also find something else to do that makes sense. Try making something if volunteer work doesn't give you a buzz (I am NOT a soup kitchen and reading to the blind person) or try reading the Big books, whatever that is to you, not fluff but something really challenging preferably a "where are we, why are we here" thing like Milton or the history of someone relevant.

You're lucky enough to be able to afford some middle class soul searching. So, where *is* your mom, if not here. What's the point of being alive - whether you conclude that it's helping other people or wringing a second of happiness out of this miserable shithole - how do you feel about God? What about the people you've written off, do you know how your brother with his foundation feels about these things? If he says "that's a silly question what got into you" it's because that question scares the living shit out of him, too, like the rest of us. Try Proust, you've got the time, most of us don't.

Loss is an opportunity to decide what's important and connect with other people over it. Functioning again in a world that suddenly seems pointless and stupid isn't always the marker of healing - sometimes it's about questioning the world as it was before.

 

[shy slave]

Zuzub, It is not easy to do, but try not to gauge how you are coping with how other people live their lives.

Grief is a private hell.

Andante held my hand and loved me through every stage of the lose of my son, but in my head I still had to go through it alone.

It isn't easy and there is no right way or plan.

However much you want to move forward, you have to do it in your own head. No-one can make you, only you can do it.
No-one else knows what you feel.

Take care

xxxx

 

[zuzub]

I am here to apologize for my drunken, prattish behavior. I'm sorry for being such a twit last night (& today & tomorrow..etc). I'm just kind of lost.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I am here to apologize for my drunken, prattish behavior. I'm sorry for being such a twit last night (& today & tomorrow..etc). I'm just kind of lost.

Most - if not all - of us have at one time or another, or even more than once, been "kind of lost." Some of us still are. Find a "North Star" that fits your compass, and use it as your guide.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I won't say I understand as even though I went through losing my own father traumatically and unexpected, and while there was already a lot of family stress going on, my experience is never going to be the same as yours, feel the same, nor is anyone elses..we all feel and process differently. That being said, I would suggest getting rid of the dealer first and foremost and if need be go into a good rehab facility. I would also suggest you don't need meds unless you have a health condition..grief is not a health condition, it is something we all experience at points in our life and no pill on the market is going to help you move past it. They might help by shutting down your emotions to an extent, or numbing you, but at the end of the day, without them you will still have to work through all those emotions inside you.

What others have done, including your family have no place in the discussion because they are not you, they do not experience things like you do. It is sort of like people who compare their situation to someone who has suicided and claim they had 10 times more reason to have killed themselves than the person that did..obviously they didn't, at least not in terms of how they were coping, otherwise it would have been them who dd it. Until you begin processing from your own self, you will remain stuck, and all the time you are stuck you are losing precious time in your own life. Some also believe that while you continue to grieve so deeply and stop your own life, the one who is gone cannot complete their journey as you are holding them in limbo waiting for you to set them free.

You can go to therapy, it may help to give you some direction, but it can only do that if you are an active and willing participant. No-one else can do it for you. Strange as it may seem, healing can come from reliving happy experiences with the person who has passed, not trying to forget or dwelling on sadder moments. Also as others have suggested, looking at it from your mother's perspective may also help if you internalise it more so than take a light surface only approach to it. There is no time limit on grief, and it doesn't just magically disappear...often when you think you are past the worst of it, it can jump up and bite you again when you least expect it.

Catalina

 

[satindesire]

Being able to think with a head clear of mind-altering substances might help. Lose the dealer.

I lost almost an entire year of my life while being addicted to painkillers. I do not remember what was said or done for months at a time, and to this day I can't believe I made it out of those times alive and still (mostly) sane.

Grief is something that never goes away, but just like old relationships that didn't work out, those feelings usually end up getting lost in the thousand-and-one other things to think about in the day to day rush of living.

I can't say time heals ALL wounds, but it certainly makes them not too red and scabby anymore.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... If you could choose how to represent yourselves, what would you say?

Old, fat, balding, ugly, tattoed, pierced, evil, sadistic, hung-like-a-stud-fieldmouse bastard with a re-plumbed ticker.

And feel free to call me by scene name, Evil_Geoff, if you want to refer to me specifically. They can find me on Yahoo 360, by that nick at Alt.com, and link my homepage in my sig line. My email is at hotmail.com. And on CollarMe it's EvilGeoff without the _ (CollarMe wouldn't let me use that in the nick for some reason).

I'm out and don't really care who finds me.

Hope that helps!

 

[neonflux]

I am here to apologize for my drunken, prattish behavior. I'm sorry for being such a twit last night (& today & tomorrow..etc). I'm just kind of lost.

Hi zuzub! I just read through your thread. Having lost first my Dad at 13 (effects and sadness still linger) and my Baba in my 20's (Slovak for grandmother - she was the one who really raised me as my mom worked), I don't think that you have any need to apologize.

I do agree with those who have advised that you get on with your life. Sometimes that can be harder when you have the financial resources through family or finances to continue sinking into sadness - if life demands that you "pick yourself up" it's easier to do at some level.

I cannot imagine your Mom not wanting you to have the full life that you deserve. And I have to "ditto" what EG and others have said about reaching out to others, doing for others, as one solution. I can't speak for anyone else but for me, volunteering has not only helped me to "get out of myself," it has given my losses purpose that helped me to rediscover joy in living.

Is there anything in particular that touches your heart (e.g., animals, young children, etc., older people who are alone, folks who are homeless)? This could be the place to start.

Neon

 

[zuzub]

OK, the consensus is to lose the dealer. Dammit anyway. I've ALWAYS had the dealer, it's the shrink and the trainer that are new and I don't think they're carrying their weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm far too old to do anything other than smoke pot. Anything else hurts my body too much and I'm looking at other options in that regard anyway. <grin>

The truth is I'm an emotional coward. I don't WANT to feel things. I've spent my whole life trying to avoiding 'feeling'. I just make jokes. I find that easier and so does everyone else apparently.

But I don't have enough jokes to hide how badly wrong this is going. My jokes don't help me when I look in the mirror, either. Nothing funny here folks, just a human train wreck in the making.

I've thought about telling my dad to cut me off, but I'm too chicken. Plus, in a weird way, I think it makes me feel 'taken care of' which I miss terribly. I've thought about going to rehab but I look ridiculously lame compared to most of these people. I've gone to a couple of AA meetings and everybody looks at me like my house just fell on their witch! Hello, are you from this planet? Oh look, there's Glinda! Plus, to be honest, I'm not sure if booze/pot is the problem or just a symptom.

I know I need to get out of this prolonged pity party, I'm just not sure how. I wake up everyday and think, "today is going to be different' but it never is. I've spent my life around ass kickers. Hell, my mom was the David Beckham of Ass Kicking. That woman could 'score' from overseas. Rod (my longterm) was another MVP in the kick ass dept. My discipline has always come from external sources. I am conditioned to look outside for structure & rules. Which would make me roughly in kindergarten at this point...

OK - so lose the dealer & find something to care about that's 'bigger' than me. I've always wanted to be a foster parent. I never had kids of my own and I know what it is to need a safe, secure place, but obviously I'm in no shape to do that right now. Maybe I could start taking some prep courses though?

Since I can't bare to go back and look at what I drunkenly wrote, I will add that this has been a stellar year for death in my family. I lost my aunt, then my mom, then my grandma and now my uncle and one of my best drinking buddies have both been diagnosed with terminal cancer. It just does my head in. Why not drink? Hell, just keep drinking and join them. Technically, it isn't suicide. I care about that because I'm catholic <snort. giggle>.

Thank you all for taking the time to share your stories. I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to lose a child. I'd be in the looney bin, period.
All of you show me that this CAN be done, but to do it, I need to tackle problems that I have successfully evaded to date. I don't know if I have the courage to do it, but then what are my options? Few and far between...

 

[zuzub]

Old, fat, balding, ugly, tattoed, pierced, evil, sadistic, hung-like-a-stud-fieldmouse bastard with a re-plumbed ticker.

And feel free to call me by scene name, Evil_Geoff, if you want to refer to me specifically. They can find me on Yahoo 360, by that nick at Alt.com, and link my homepage in my sig line. My email is at hotmail.com. And on CollarMe it's EvilGeoff without the _ (CollarMe wouldn't let me use that in the nick for some reason).

I'm out and don't really care who finds me.

Hope that helps!

Pfft. Give me a break, I was thinking more along the lines of 'Dangerous Hottie'. To prove my point, let's take a little informal vote here.

Who here would do E.V. or more realistically would be done by E.V.?

OK, the results aren't in yet, but I feel confident that I can rest my point. Except Hottie isn't that masculine. What's the guy version of hottie? I need something with a little more pain...

 

[zuzub]

Most - if not all - of us have at one time or another, or even more than once, been "kind of lost." Some of us still are. Find a "North Star" that fits your compass, and use it as your guide.

You are not doing ANYTHING to help me recover from my crush.

 

[zuzub]

Is there a federally mandated timeline or is 2 years what your FAMILY thinks it should take you to get over it?

How do you get over it? You don't. You also find something else to do that makes sense. Try making something if volunteer work doesn't give you a buzz (I am NOT a soup kitchen and reading to the blind person) or try reading the Big books, whatever that is to you, not fluff but something really challenging preferably a "where are we, why are we here" thing like Milton or the history of someone relevant.

You're lucky enough to be able to afford some middle class soul searching. So, where *is* your mom, if not here. What's the point of being alive - whether you conclude that it's helping other people or wringing a second of happiness out of this miserable shithole - how do you feel about God? What about the people you've written off, do you know how your brother with his foundation feels about these things? If he says "that's a silly question what got into you" it's because that question scares the living shit out of him, too, like the rest of us. Try Proust, you've got the time, most of us don't.

Loss is an opportunity to decide what's important and connect with other people over it. Functioning again in a world that suddenly seems pointless and stupid isn't always the marker of healing - sometimes it's about questioning the world as it was before.

You're too smart for me. No, I'm not mocking AT ALL. I take the point about middle class whining. You're right, I wouldn't have all this time to jerk around if I had to worry about keeping a roof over my head. Different people have different problems I guess, but mine are silly in comparison. Proust is harsh though! That's just plain mean. <smile>

I believe in God and I go to mass (almost) every sunday. My brother believes in branding. He must, because everything he owns has a high end logo, right down to the rolex. I've never understood how such a smart man can be such a slave to Marketing. My dad's gf is the same. Her brother is dating the Editor of French Elle magazine. Apparently fashion is distasteful, but the fact that she's an Editor makes it ok. And I will fit into this picture how?

 

[zuzub]

i say spend more time with the dealer.

Well, finally a little support! <grin>

 

[zuzub]

Hottie Mama

OK, I thought I was lucky enough to get a post from Hottie Mama. In it, she talked about losing a child. I don't think I imagined it, although it's hard to say these days.

Anyway, Hottie, thank you. I know you don't want to be here right now and I respect that. I just wanted to tell you that you touched me. Generally, that's against my policy but you snuck one in on me. Kiss to you, HM. May we all wake up to find a brighter day...

 

[Sir_Winston54]

<Snip> And I will fit into this picture how?

Why do you have to fit into their picture? How about painting one of your own? And it doesn't have to be a mural big enough to decorate the new World Trade Center (or whatever they're gonna call it) buildings - some of the most glorious works of art are miniatures, little bits of perfection as small as 2 inches square.

Okay, enough of the metaphor What arouses enough interest in you that you'd be willing to give up some definite portion of your "off time," of which you have a plenitude? Do you like animals? Go to a local animal shelter and volunteer an hour or two every other day, or four hours a week to "visit" with the animals, give them some individual human contact/attention time while they're there. They get lonely in those cages. Do you like old folks? Go to a nursing home and visit with some of the folks there who don't have any visitors. God knows there are lots of them! If you like gardening, someone suggested finding a vacant lot and planting a flowerbed... or find one in a disadvantaged area, and plant pole beans, carrots, etc., etc., for the area residents to pick once they're grown - and maybe even show some of them how to take care of the plants once they've shown an interest. No matter what your interests are, you can find a way to share them with others who may not normally get an opportunity to enjoy them, if you try.

You seem to be a basically good person who, through no fault of her own, has some advantages that many others don't, along with having suffered some losses and setbacks that have made you question your own worth. The first step to recover from those questions is to stop comparing yourself to others in and around your family whose accomplishments you've mentioned. Compare yourself to you and what you can accomplish if you try. You've as much as outright said that you're wasting your talents and your time, so... figure out your talents and interests, and how they can be used to make you a better you. Don't get me wrong - 'taint easy. The first steps won't be. But as you make yourself take those first steps, you'll find that each succeeding step will likely get a little easier. There may be times when you backslide a little. Beat yourself (figuratively) with a wet noodle for five minutes or so, then regain the area lost, and move forward again.