Grief mgmt.

[zuzub]

I read somewhere that someone here took a month off. Or maybe two. I've taken 2 years off and I still feel lost. I keep trying to get it together but I just can't. I can't move. I see people having normal lives and I envy them. Has anyone done this before? How do I get out and move forward?

How do I support my indolence? My dad gives me a monthly allowance... Seriously.

Yes. I'm proud. Not....

 

[Kierae]

If you have been at this point for 2 years, you are clearly stuck and it's time to find a good therapist to help you move forward. Meds may be needed but again that is dependent on all the symptoms.

~kierae

 

[zuzub]

I totally appreciate your input, but the truth is I have a shrink, a trainer and a dealer. If that isn't a recipe for mental health, I don't know what is...

 

[Kajira Callista]

I totally appreciate your input, but the truth is I have a shrink, a trainer and a dealer. If that isn't a recipe for mental health, I don't know what is...

i say spend more time with the dealer.

 

[zuzub]

I've been on 'meds' for almost 2 years and it scares the hell out of me. I've had literal nightmares about being in a foreign country and running out of Effexor. It's my version of "Hostel".

 

[Kajira Callista]

ok seriously now...what is it that you are grieving?

 

[zuzub]

i say spend more time with the dealer.

See? I can work with that. He's my favorite of all of them.

 

[zuzub]

ok seriously now...what is it that you are grieving?

My mama. I came home two years ago to take care of her while she was dying. She was my best friend in the whole world & I miss her terribly but normal people move on.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Without knowing all the particulars, do you think that maybe you need to get some therapy at a live in type setting?

 

[Kajira Callista]

My mama. I came home two years ago to take care of her while she was dying. She was my best friend in the whole world & I miss her terribly but normal people move on.

ok..one question and reply seriously.

What would you mama tell you to do right now and how would she feel knowing you aren't moving on?
Ok that was two and hopefully enough motivation for you to take a step in the right direction.

 

[zuzub]

Without knowing all the particulars, do you think that maybe you need to get some therapy at a live in type setting?

I'm not sure what that means. Most of my therapists have been alive...if barely.

 

[zuzub]

ok..one question and reply seriously.

What would you mama tell you to do right now and how would she feel knowing you aren't moving on?
Ok that was two and hopefully enough motivation for you to take a step in the right direction.

She would be appalled. Period. In fact, I really hope she's not watching. Aren't they supposed to have something to do other than talk to John Edwards all the time?

 

[Kajira Callista]

She would be appalled. Period. In fact, I really hope she's not watching. Aren't they supposed to have something to do other than talk to John Edwards all the time?

She is watching. That is what i believe. Think about her and how it would make her feel... and then get up and do something about yourself.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

She was my best friend in the whole world & I miss her terribly but normal people move on.

She would be appalled. Period. In fact, I really hope she's not watching. Aren't they supposed to have something to do other than talk to John Edwards all the time?

You didn't answer the first part of KC's two questions: "What would she tell you to do right now?" Kid, you know that it's time and past time to put away the sackcloth and ashes and make something of your life that she would be proud of. Soooo... do what you need to do to do that.

P.S.: And regarding the fact that your dealer is your favorite of shrink, trainer and dealer... that's because he/she doesn't make you do anything except hand over some cash. No thinking, no facing of hard facts, no stretching and straining of muscles... just hand over some money for a few minutes or hours of almost-forgetfulness and artificial happiness. Wouldn't you rather have real happiness, engendered by accomplishing something that you - and your mother - would be proud of?

 

[Chris_Xavier]

I'm not sure what that means. Most of my therapists have been alive...if barely.

Someplace where you are there 24/7. Ala Betty Ford

 

[zuzub]

Someplace where you are there 24/7. Ala Betty Ford

Pfft. Betty Ford is for assholes. Buddy, I smoke pot, period. I'm from BC, it's pratically a provincial requirement.

 

[zuzub]

You know I'm kidding, right? I appreciate everyone's thoughts but I'm a little defensive sometimes. It doesn't mean that I can't hear....

Thank you for your kindness.

Maybe I'm spoiled and that's why this is so hard. A new car ain't gonna fix this - it never fixed anything. However, that's the way things work in my world. I get that it probably makes you sick. I can't help that. It doesn't work for me so well either. But I take those things because that's what we do. Some people talk, other people just buy things. I'm in the latter category.

 

[FurryFury]

Losing a parent loved or conflicted can be such a huge thing in your life. I know because I've done it.

If you have a therapist and you have meds but they are not working for you, it's been two years, you might want to consider changing both. Remember you have to follow the directions on meds for them to work and not mix them with other drugs.

I highly recommend support groups as well. It's easy to get stuck in grieving but it helps no one to do so. You might want to try more than one. Some might feel more comfortable to you than others or you may be glad you have them all.

You will always miss your mom, that's a given. People will tell you time will help. And time will help but you will always think about her and miss her. After a while it might not hurt as much. You might smile at the good memories more. Your dreams of her might get better.

After a few months of grieving a lot of people start this "just get over it" crap even those, especially those, that had a hard time with it. Support groups can help with that a little.

I can recommend some books to you that may help if you actually use them the way they were intended. Just let me know if you want to get the titles.

Each little step helps. It takes a lot of them to get somewhere but that's what it takes. Make little goals that you can reach. Celebrate your successes when you do reach them. If you have to fake a good outlook and attitude until it becomes less of an act and push yourself.

Above all be kind and patient with yourself but force yourself to get out there and LIVE.

*HUG*

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Maybe I'm spoiled and that's why this is so hard. A new car ain't gonna fix this, but honestly, it never fixed anything.

My condolences on the loss of your mother. My mom passed several years ago from a brain tumor, I understand at least a bit about what you are going through. So if I may suggest?

Trying getting out and doing something for others.

Volunteer at an orphange.

Spend time at a hospital.

Tutor kids after school.

Work in a homeless shelter or domestic violence shelter.

Make a flower garden in a vacant lot. Use her favorite flowers. As a memorial.

SELF-indulgence is a dead end and does nothing for your self esteem or recovery. Contributing to the welfare of others, building others up, doing something positive will lead, one small step at a time, to long term peace and contentment.

 

[zuzub]

Losing a parent loved or conflicted can be such a huge thing in your life. I know because I've done it.

If you have a therapist and you have meds but they are not working for you, it's been two years, you might want to consider changing both. Remember you have to follow the directions on meds for them to work and not mix them with other drugs.

I highly recommend support groups as well. It's easy to get stuck in grieving but it helps no one to do so. You might want to try more than one. Some might feel more comfortable to you than others or you may be glad you have them all.

You will always miss your mom, that's a given. People will tell you time will help. And time will help but you will always think about her and miss her. After a while it might not hurt as much. You might smile at the good memories more. Your dreams of her might get better.

After a few months of grieving a lot of people start this "just get over it" crap even those, especially those, that had a hard time with it. Support groups can help with that a little.

I can recommend some books to you that may help if you actually use them the way they were intended. Just let me know if you want to get the titles.

Each little step helps. It takes a lot of them to get somewhere but that's what it takes. Make little goals that you can reach. Celebrate your successes when you do reach them. If you have to fake a good outlook and attitude until it becomes less of an act and push yourself.

Above all be kind and patient with yourself but force yourself to get out there and LIVE.

*HUG*

Thank you FF. I don't know what else to say, except thank you.

 

[intothewoods]

How old are you? And are you really not working at all, or going to school?

 

[zuzub]

My condolences on the loss of your mother. My mom passed several years ago from a brain tumor, I understand at least a bit about what you are going through. So if I may suggest?

Trying getting out and doing something for others.

Volunteer at an orphange.

Spend time at a hospital.

Tutor kids after school.

Work in a homeless shelter or domestic violence shelter.

Make a flower garden in a vacant lot. Use her favorite flowers. As a memorial.

SELF-indulgence is a dead end and does nothing for your self esteem or recovery. Contributing to the welfare of others, building others up, doing something positive will lead, one small step at a time, to long term peace and contentment.

OK, good point. I can work with that. Actually you sound just like her. Um, except much more manly of course.

 

[FurryFury]

That's an excellent idea and point Geoff. I have a tendency to do that sort of thing.

When I lost a beloved cat, I volunteered at a vets office for over a year, eventually leading to working there as an assistant. That was back in high school.

When I lost my father, who was my business partner, part of the framework and foundation of my life and at the time of his death one of my best friends (though our relationship had often be downright scary through the years), I volunteered at a cancer information service.

It's a good thing to do for a whole lot of reasons. We have a responsibility to give back and help others IMO.

 

[FurryFury]

Thank you FF. I don't know what else to say, except thank you.

You are very welcome.

*HUG*

It's my pleasure to help in any way.

 

[zuzub]

How old are you? And are you really not working at all, or going to school?

I am 42 years old. I am doing fuck all and it is funded by my family because they don't know what else to do. Oh, that's the other thing, I'm surrounded by heavy duty achievers.

My dad's gf is an incredibly gifted shrink who lives beside Debbie Travis. She literally supports an entire village of 85 African children & 4 nuns. Her brother was the Editor of Le Figaro in Paris.

My brother has his own friggin' Foundation. Why can't he give to the United Way like everyone else?

This is what I deal with.... Oh fuck, just give me the car...