Greetings and Salutations

[Djmac1031]

Hi. Really just figured I'd do an introduction kinda thing here, although a lot of you already know me over at AH.

Anyway, I do enjoy the idea of actually doing deeper dives on story ideas, both before and after they've been written.

And I agree that open, honest criticism can help us all become better at the craft.

So I'll try to contribute more here as I can, reviewing/ offering feedback, as I can. I have been trying to read more, this may help contribute to that.

What stories I decide to do it for will be at my discretion obviously.

Anyway. I'll try to remember to pop in here more often.

 

[Cagivagurl]

Hi. Really just figured I'd do an introduction kinda thing here, although a lot of you already know me over at AH.

Anyway, I do enjoy the idea of actually doing deeper dives on story ideas, both before and after they've been written.

And I agree that open, honest criticism can help us all become better at the craft.

So I'll try to contribute more here as I can, reviewing/ offering feedback, as I can. I have been trying to read more, this may help contribute to that.

What stories I decide to do it for will be at my discretion obviously.

Anyway. I'll try to remember to pop in here more often.

Hey,
I'm not sure from reading your intro. Are you seeking reviews, or offering them??

Cagivagurl

 

[VerbalAbuse]

THE JENNA ARRANGEMENT PT. 01​

Putting some notes here as I read this story. Basically, I relate my reading experience in present tense.
From the getgo, the story appears competently written.
From the getgo, it's uncomfortable. Older man (53) paying a 19yo for perverse experiences? He's older than her father (probably). Prostitution? Age difference? Sure, but not for me. I'm not judging people here, just the situation presented in the story.
He wants to masturbate in front of her -- mighty original! Where have I heard that before? Right -- everywhere.
Ah! The word "petite" sneaks in. A pet-peeve of mine. It goddamn means "small." Or "little." Terrible. Of course, some real life bitches like to present themselves as large and petite, so... anyone's guess.
The MMC is nervous. I was asked this in reference to the MMC in one of my stores -- why is he nervous? At least in my story the MMC was 21, and rather inexperienced and insecure. The story needed him to be that way. But here? He's a 53yo pervert. Hasn't he managed to get past that, in more than half of century?
Girl arms herself with a pepper spray while the man gets ready to do his business. Why not a handgun? An assault riffle?
Guy continues to be "excited, nervous, even scared..." Still difficult to grasp why.
Definite age fetish on his side.
The obligatory dick size discussion takes place.
Action ends at 5:59pm sharp. With this, we're told that the entire masturbate-in-front-of-her experience lasted less than an hour. A little detail that adds little to the story.

 

[Djmac1031]

THE JENNA ARRANGEMENT PT. 01​

Putting some notes here as I read this story. Basically, I relate my reading experience in present tense.
From the getgo, the story appears competently written.
From the getgo, it's uncomfortable. Older man (53) paying a 19yo for perverse experiences? He's older than her father (probably). Prostitution? Age difference? Sure, but not for me. I'm not judging people here, just the situation presented in the story.
He wants to masturbate in front of her -- mighty original! Where have I heard that before? Right -- everywhere.
Ah! The word "petite" sneaks in. A pet-peeve of mine. It goddamn means "small." Or "little." Terrible. Of course, some real life bitches like to present themselves as large and petite, so... anyone's guess.
The MMC is nervous. I was asked this in reference to the MMC in one of my stores -- why is he nervous? At least in my story the MMC was 21, and rather inexperienced and insecure. The story needed him to be that way. But here? He's a 53yo pervert. Hasn't he managed to get past that, in more than half of century?
Girl arms herself with a pepper spray while the man gets ready to do his business. Why not a handgun? An assault riffle?
Guy continues to be "excited, nervous, even scared..." Still difficult to grasp why.
Definite age fetish on his side.
The obligatory dick size discussion takes place.
Action ends at 5:59pm sharp. With this, we're told that the entire masturbate-in-front-of-her experience lasted less than an hour. A little detail that adds little to the story.

Sorry you didn't like it. Probably should skip the rest then.

 

[Djmac1031]

Hey,
I'm not sure from reading your intro. Are you seeking reviews, or offering them??

Cagivagurl

Both. Neither. Not sure really lol. I like discussing stories but haven't really frequented this forum often so just figured I'd introduce myself.

 

[Djmac1031]

The obligatory dick size discussion takes place.

Yeah, I regret that. Was early on in my writing. I've tried to avoid it since.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Sorry you didn't like it. Probably should skip the rest then.

I did say it's competently written, didn't I?

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Oh, wait! I've figured out why he's "excited, nervous, even scared..."
It's the pepper spray.
I'd be more than a little nervous too.

Just poking fun.

 

[Djmac1031]

I did say it's competently written, didn't I?

True. And I appreciate that. But obviously the premise didn't appeal to you so I was just saying my feelings wouldn't be hurt if you decided to skip the other 26 chapters.

 

[Djmac1031]

Just poking fun.

All good. I appreciate the time you took to read it.

 

[Cagivagurl]

I like the idea of discussing stories. Not necessarily my own, but comfortable with that as well.
I'm always looking for new insights into writing. What works, what doesn't.
I guess this may not be the place for that, but I am interested.

Cagivagurl

 

[AwkwardlySet]

This thread confuses me. I was sure you were offering to review stories but then your story got "reviewed" by being mocked and probably even kink-shamed.
Don't be too much of a nice guy, DJ.

Btw @VerbalAbuse, it's pointless to review just the first chapter of a 27-chapter story. In such long stories, many things coalesce later so reviewing just a chapter of it is just silly. If you are so keen on doing it, maybe pick one of his standalone stories, and this time try not to be such a dick about it.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

This thread confuses me. I was sure you were offering to review stories but then your story got "reviewed" by being mocked and probably even kink-shamed.
Don't be too much of a nice guy, DJ.

Btw @VerbalAbuse, it's pointless to review just the first chapter of a 27-chapter story. In such long stories, many things coalesce later so reviewing just a chapter of it is just silly. If you are so keen on doing it, maybe pick one of his standalone stories, and this time try not to be such a dick about it.

Christ! One cannot even speak one's mind, that a third party jumps on them.
You're not looking for feedback, opinions, discussion. You simply want praise.
Here it is: you're amazing. The greatest that ever been.

 

[Djmac1031]

One cannot even speak one's mind

Just for the record; I had no issues with you speaking your mind. Yours isn't the first time I've gotten negative feedback. Won't be the last.

I can handle it.

 

[Djmac1031]

I like the idea of discussing stories. Not necessarily my own, but comfortable with that as well.
I'm always looking for new insights into writing. What works, what doesn't.
I guess this may not be the place for that, but I am interested.

Cagivagurl

I wish I had more time, I'd openly volunteer to read any story somebody wanted honest feedback on.

The danger of doing that of course is I'd get a dozen requests and I'd never get to them.

Plus it's honestly hard to read a story if it's in a category I'm not a huge fan of. Although I do try to be open minded.

Really I figured I'd just dip my toes in the water here, see what happens is all.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Are you doing reviews, @Djmac1031 ?

Might I request you read and review Eldritch Pact?
Why? Because I won't rest until every person on earth (except for my mother) has read this story

 

[Cagivagurl]

I wish I had more time, I'd openly volunteer to read any story somebody wanted honest feedback on.

The danger of doing that of course is I'd get a dozen requests and I'd never get to them.

Plus it's honestly hard to read a story if it's in a category I'm not a huge fan of. Although I do try to be open minded.

Really I figured I'd just dip my toes in the water here, see what happens is all.

LOL
Yes, I think you might get swamped by requests.
I think it would be hard to be totally honest. The chances are some of the stories you will dislike, for any number of reasons. Then neutrality might be difficult to maintain.
I love the idea of picking apart stories. Trying to split apart the good and bad, but I'm not well versed enough in the rules of English to give anything helpful or accurate.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Are you doing reviews, @Djmac1031 ?

Might I request you read and review Eldritch Pact?
Why? Because I won't rest until every person on earth (except for my mother) has read this story

Don't dismiss your mother like that. She might like it (provided she can read your daemon's dialogue).

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Don't dismiss your mother like that. She might like it (provided she can read your daemon's dialogue).

FUCKING HELL, NO SHE WOULD NOT!!!

I love my mother to death, and she loves me. But she would be ashamed if she ever learned that her daughter was writing smut. You have no fucking idea (and I doubt she'd be able to read daemon script).

 

[AwkwardMD]

Are you doing reviews, @Djmac1031 ?

Might I request you read and review Eldritch Pact?
Why? Because I won't rest until every person on earth (except for my mother) has read this story

Everyone should.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

THE JENNA ARRANGEMENT PT. 01​

The Positives​

Perhaps I have not stressed enough the positives. I don't want people to think I'm only a dick, so here it goes.
The style and tone are appropriate, the wording, phrasing are fine. Grammar, punctuation are good.
The story is told well.
I understood without difficulty what's goes on.
The narrative structure is right where it should be. No part feels too long or too rushed.
The stakes are clear, the motivations of the characters are clear -- one has a fantasy, the other wants mony.
There are more positives than this, of course. Even the fact that's quite conventional is a plus -- in that it offers the readers what they want.

 

[Djmac1031]

Older man (53) paying a 19yo for perverse experiences? He's older than her father (probably). Prostitution? Age difference? Sure, but not for me. I'm not judging people here, just the situation presented in the story.

Really? I find that fascinating, considering in your story Halloween Girl, you have a 60 year old man seduce an 18 year old "boy" dressed as a "girl."

So please do fill us in on the difference when you get a chance.

 

[Djmac1031]

The obligatory dick size discussion takes place.

""How big are you?" he asks.

"Five foot ten", she says.

"No, I mean, your tool."

"Five inches, baby."

"Nice."

From Restless In Manilla Ch.01 by @VerbalAbuse

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Really? I find that fascinating, considering in your story Halloween Girl, you have a 60 year old man seduce an 18 year old "boy" dressed as a "girl."

So please do fill us in on the difference when you get a chance.

Quite. The age gap in the story is so large to convey the idea that the two are not belonging together. Also, the narrator, the 60yo guy, is something of a retiree (or semi-retiree), with not much to do. Nothing to occupy his mind/time.

There's nothing proper in the union of the two characters. The narrator knows it, too. He is a pervert old fool. And that's not the only wrong thing in the story.

I write stories about wrong things. The Restless In Manilla shows a lot of wrongness about a great many things, including fantasies/delusions of domination/submission, vastly different backgrounds, etc.

My very short Hope story is meant to convey the idea that incest has terrible consequences, even at its "happiest."

 

[VerbalAbuse]

""How big are you?" he asks.

"Five foot ten", she says.

"No, I mean, your tool."

"Five inches, baby."

"Nice."

From Restless In Manilla Ch.01 by @VerbalAbuse

The MMC, Tom, the one who asks the question, is a pervert and a fetishist. He only wants to talk sex and refuses to engage otherwise. Such talk becomes an end in itself. It's a masturbatory pursuit.