Green monster

[Guest]

When you accomplish something, do your loved ones feel happy for you? Do they cherish your milestones?

Parents work hard for their children to suceed but sometimes it feels, like they don't want me to get here.

wondering,

Maharat

 

[SensualCealy]

Since no one has posted yet, here I go...

I can see that. If you succeed, you possibly will leave and venture out to the unknow where they have to worry about what you are doing, if you will be safe and my goodness - who will she meet?

Giving little steps prolongs the enevitable, sometimes we as children have to stand up and PROVE sometimes vocally that we CAN and will survive without mom and dad constantly being incharge.

Sometimes a good talk with which ever one seems to help the most to back up the conversation with the other that doesnt want you to succeed as much-

Does that make any sense?
C

 

[cantdog]

What you notice is universal. It has to do, first of all, with house ape troop social structure.

Real children are chemically slightly different, have appetites for different foods. Talk to a pediatric specialist. They're different. They smell different, and they look different, and this triggers a nurturing instinct. We react to baby mammals generally the same way.

Once you're grown, you have another ape in the troop, and one of you has to be dominant. Fathers and sons generally go through a rough spot then, and mothers and daughters the same way.

All this is more or less instinctual, and can be overridden by a conscious decision to behave otherwise, of course; so some people do better than others.

They always tell each other, parents do, that parents work hard for their children to succeed, and once a person gets older, and multi-generational concerns come to dominate, that is completely true. The oldest and wisest of us say it, consequently. Young parents, still involved in dominance issues, say it too, but what they take it to mean is, basically, that the child owes them something.

As you and they mature, particularly them, this will cure itself, but at any time any of you could decide to override the ape social system and act in any way that seems right to you.

 

[Guest]

I have gone through some hard patches in my life but I never wanted to be anybody else. I never hated others because their lives are easier/better/etc.

I just work hard and fix what is wrong. I am not sure if my folks feel I am undeserving, or if they dislike me because I make them look bad. This is so schizo, I have not allowed myself to even mention it for years.

So it is like, 'you can be anything you want kiddo, as long as it is between 10 and 100'?



Maharat

 

[cantdog]

One of the things dominance means is that the ones in charge always instinctively resent youth, which represents a threat to their position. An inevitable threat.

When I was forty or so, I remember walking along the street and seeing a young man. I took an instant dislike to the little bastard, so arrogant and cocky; I just bristled. Then I took myself in hand. Imean the guy was just walking. He hadn't said anything to anyone or done anything, he was just there. A fact. A younger house ape. The whole reaction was all built out of whole cloth because he was male and young, but it was real.

My dad used to go out of his way. He'd take steps, whenever I'd had some triumph, large or small, especially social triumph, to make sure to undercut it or discount it in some way.

If your elders are not going to override this wholly irrational thing, then it's going to have to be you. You will have to declare your independence. It doesn't have to be all at once, and it's probably better if it's not super dramatic, all right? But it has to be firm. You have to let it wash right off the back, duckwise. They do not have authority over you now, not like they did once, in the past. Just take that fact in, and begin to act like it's true. A big announcement isn't important, or a 'break' of some kind, but a resolve to act like a grownup really is.

 

[hmmnmm]

My dad used to go out of his way. He'd take steps, whenever I'd had some triumph, large or small, especially social triumph, to make sure to undercut it or discount it in some way.

Ditto.
I was pushed to be 'successful' - not in the ways I believed, but in his way, and for many years - too many, too too many - part of my unconscious motivation was to prove that I could be or was a 'success' in the way I chose to go about it. Of course my way was always wrong, so no matter what I did or tried it never worked, never connected.
I finally saw it, like the light turned on, quite recently really, and it pretty much opened the cage gate.
Felt a whole lot better ever since. And make far fewer apologies.

 

[cantdog]

Emancipation is always superior to rebellion.

 

[hmmnmm]

Emancipation is always superior to rebellion.

A golden quotable quote.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

They feel happy for me, but they don't want to hear about the details. My hobbies aren't anything that anyone in my family are interested in.

Except poker. My father, sister and I will gab about poker for hours

 

[Just-Legal]

My dad has never once told me he's proud of me. My mother takes pains to.

It hurts.

 

[3113]

I am not sure if my folks feel I am undeserving, or if they dislike me because I make them look bad. This is so schizo, I have not allowed myself to even mention it for years.

So it is like, 'you can be anything you want kiddo, as long as it is between 10 and 100'?

Quite common. And hey, your folks may not like you. I'm sorry to say that, but the truth is that we don't pick our parents, siblings or kids. I mean, if you were a complete stranger, would your parents like you? They might not. Would you like them? You might not. If you don't share the same values, the same hobbies, the same interests...why should you?

Doesn't mean there's no love there, just no affiliation. My parents loved me, and we have some things in common, but ultimately, we're complete strangers. They don't understand me, and I doubt that they would like me if I were introduced to them as a stranger. They might not dislike me, just not want to be friends with me. I know for certain we'd have nothing to talk about.

As for that "between 10-100"...of course. A lot of parents have a vision of the perfect kid. They had such visions when you were born: this is the kind of child you'll be, the kind of teenager. This is the kind of profession you'll go into, and then you'll get married to this kind of person, at this sort of wedding, and settle down to give them these sorts of grandkids. That's human nature. We all envision fantasy futures, the way things should go, be it a dinner party, a vacation or a life. We plan it out. And, unfortunately, too many of us are disappointed and unhappy when it doesn't go as planned. Even if that "unplanned" might be considered better than what we planned. And when that happens, we take out our disappointment on whoever or whatever upset the plan.

That means, in this case, you. You're not according to plan. You were supposed to stay within the 10-100 range. To do what's unplanned leaves your parents not knowing how to handle it, embarrassed even. It's like a parent planning for their kid to play baseball, and the kid turns out to be a music genius instead. The parent *should* be delighted, but they're unhappy instead. This wasn't what they wanted; it didn't go as planned. They can't be the teacher, the person the kid looks up to, the hero. Instead, they feel out of their depth, not knowing as much as the kid does about music.

Pretty scary for them. That's what scares parents most. Feeling like they aren't respected or needed by their kids because their kids know more. When we're scared, we often posture and express it as anger. We undercut the other person to make ourselves feel superior again and in control.

Not schizo at all.

 

[SensualCealy]

Not knowing how old you are this may not be the best advice for you to take so read it open-heartedly.

If you seriously think your parents are holding you back, do something about it. Put some distance between you, enough that you dont have to deal with their meddling or non encouraging words, yet close enough if you need to get to them in a hurry you can.

As the only female child in my family I'm the one they always look to when they need help. Mom hasnt retired yet so if Dad has an appointment that she cant take him to, I get the call. Not that it bothers me, I dont really mind, what does bother me is my three brothers never get these calls. Two moved out of town, the other is a truck driver and is never available. Since Im not working and have no life to speak of, Im the one. Mom always encourages me but sometimes she doesnt know when to keep her mouth shut. She was very proud of me when I finished school third in my class, but every damn time I see her I get, "Did you know ____ is hiring?" I so would love to reply, "Really, no I have not looked in a news paper or on-line job sites since I graduated I have no idea who is hiring!"

Like someone said, you cant choose your family so sometimes you have to make arrangements to make it easier.
All the best, if you need an ear Im usually here
C

 

[oggbashan]

My dad has never once told me he's proud of me. My mother takes pains to.

It hurts.

We're proud of you.

Maybe your dad just hasn't got the words.

I embarrass my daughters when I tell them that I'm proud of their achievements. They don't mind hearing it from mum, or from their friends, but from dad?

Og

 

[ishtat]

When you accomplish something, do your loved ones feel happy for you? Do they cherish your milestones?

Parents work hard for their children to suceed but sometimes it feels, like they don't want me to get here.

wondering,

Maharat

They boast about you to their friends, sometimes outrageously, but they're not going to tell you that. Strange but true.

 

[Misty_Morning]

When you accomplish something, do your loved ones feel happy for you? Do they cherish your milestones?

Parents work hard for their children to suceed but sometimes it feels, like they don't want me to get here.

wondering,

Maharat

Hmmmm...I was always the quiet child.

There were 8 children in my family...but by time I came along the oldest 2 were already married and having families of their own.

All of my siblings had issues. And I was the quiet one.


I made good grades that was never rewarded or even aknowledged(sp). Although I pointed out to my parents that other kids got monetary rewards for making good grades. So, sometimes my dad would do the same. At a much lesser rate than others seemed to get. But I cherished the thought.

I was a member of the honor society, recieved MANY awards, always made the honors list...but it went by being unnoticed for the most part. I mean how could thay take the time to praise me when they had to dealwith keeping the other kids out of jail?

I just kept my head down and kept performing. But I DID party with my siblings.

After I went to college and grad school, my siblings began to resent me.

They had the opinion that I considered myself better than them. And they began to resent me even more.

I don't know where they got this mindset. If they need financial help, I was there, giving them what I could. Mind you I was living off of grants and student loans.

But after a while, I decided to say just fuck them.

And when I married a physician, they jusy totally hated me. And what was so sad is that I really needed their support at that time cuz I was in a very bad marriage.

When my marriage ended my siblings had the opinion...Good, she needs to be taken down a notch.

My mother died before I got married. But my father witnessed it all. He was my champion.

After my divorce and I came out....My siblings disowned me and ridiculed me. My Dad was MORE than disappointed in me and our relationship has never been the same.

But he still loves me and wishes me well.

As for the rest of the family.....they despise when I do well, and take delight when my life has downward turns.


SO.....I have nothing to with them. Family is there at all times...god or bad.

IMO... Just being spurted out of the same uterus does not make you a part of a family.

Family is acceptance, comfort when times are tuff and praise when you do well.



if you don't get the support you deserve, try not to dwell on it. That is their problem.


Sorry for the ramble....the thread just bought up memories that I am trying to forget.

 

[rgraham666]

Now, they do. Except for my dad.

When I was growing up the best I could hope for most of the time was nothing.

As all families of the '60s and '70s were it was headed and shaped chiefly by my father. And he never praised anybody because he thought nobody could do anything worth praising. Plus belittling people was the only fun he could enjoy.

Not his fault. That was how he'd been taught to act and he hadn't the strength or self critical ability to change.

So let's just say I didn't get off to a good start in life.

 

[BlackShanglan]

When watching the dregs of human behavior - "reality television" - I often find myself asking, "Can't one of you people just see someone else happy and be happy for them?" It's a cold, ugly world if you can't take joy in the joy of others.

 

[cantdog]

The Socialists used to point out that Co-operation was the Law of Civilization, and Competition merely that of the jungle. Their point being that we aren't actually attempting to build a jungle.

 

[Stella_Omega]

My dad has never once told me he's proud of me. My mother takes pains to.

It hurts.

Your dad has all the brain of an alarm clock, let me remind you...

 

[cantdog]

I always find new reasons to love you, Stella.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I always find new reasons to love you, Stella.

Thanks, cant, I needed to hear that today...

 

[SeaCat]

I'll give you what happened to me. It may have absolutely no bearing on what you're dealing with, but it's what happened to me.

Growing up I was the one who was always doing the dirty jobs. I was the one doing the chores while my brother and sister were allowed to sit around. I was the one who cut the lawn, I was the one who cleared the snow. I was the one who tilled the garden.

Growing up I was the one who was told to earn the money to get the things I wanted, even as my parents bought my brother and sister what they wanted. I was the one who had a trap line at 10 years old so I could buy a bike. I waas the one who froze his ass off in the barn making my first motorbike with my fathers help. (The next year he bought my brother one.) I was the one who when he turned 16 bought a wreck from the junkyard and built it up in the garage. (My parents bought my brother and sister their first and second cars.)

Then again when my father decided he needed someone to go with him on a horseback camping trip through the Wilderness I was the one chosen. Then again when my father decided he needed a hunting partner in Alaska I was the one asked.

My father and I fought constantly, sometimes knuckle and skull.

When I turned 18 I moved out. We were living in Germany at the time and I had a job with the government. I had my own place and rarely saw my parents. I got married, they barely knew my wife. Si months later my wife died, I had to bury her. When I arrived back in Germany from the burial the person waiting for me at the airport was my father. I didn't think he understood and I pushed him away.

He returned to the "States" six months before I did.

When I returned I was a wreck. I was not a person you wanted to know. I had been home a total of three weeks when my father showed up at my door. He told me to grab my kit because we were going camping. He wouldn't listen to me as I protested. He wouldn't listen to my protests as he drove us to the airport. He told me to shut my yap as we climbed on the plane and flew North West. He didn't say a thing as I drank yself into a stupor during the flight.

When we finally landed in Montana he guided my stumbling ass to a car and drove us to a ranch. He didn't say a thing as he set things up and helped me into the saddle.

The next morning in the middle of no-where he started talking with me. We spent six weeks out in the middle of no-where, camping and hunting from horseback. He held me as I went through the DT's. He listened as I ranted and raved, and he knocked my sorry ass out more than once.

My father accepted my rage against everyone and everything, he absorbed it and redirected it. He kept me clean long enough for me to learn. He talked me through my hell.

My father saved my life on that trip, and I learned things about him I had never known. I learned where his scars came from, and I learned how he dealt with them. From him on that trip I learned another aspect of love.

You see my father and I never got along because we are too much alike. Ask about Alpha Males and you'll see a picture of my father and myself.

After that trip I still lived on my own, but I talked with and visited my father quite often. Then I met and married my current wife. When I finally brought her to his house to meet my parents he greeted her as a member of the family. He was the one who gave her away on my second marriage. (A long story there.)

My parents accept me as no others do. I am the executor of their wills. I am the person they talk to when they have problems. If I need something my father is there, just as if they need something I am the first one they call. My father and I have even upon occasion stated our love for each other.

Cat

 

[ms.read]

SeaCat, Something very similar to me has happened between my mother and I. I was brought up in a single parent home, with lots of (much older) siblings. they moved out by the time I was ten and it was like living like an only child.

My father died when I was five. He was Mom's third husband and her soulmate ( the first two were divorce) Needless to say, we were poor, my mother made my life a living hell, and did everything in her power to make sure that I had a roof over my head, fed, clean and clothed. I moved out when I was 18. Met a guy much older than me. He is my fiance. I love him to death. The morals and ethics that my mother drove into me when I was a child you don't see much anymore. This is why I love, cherish, and uphold everything she has ever taught me.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I don't look at the past seeing mistakes and regrets, I only see the loyal friends and family that stuck with me through the hard times.

 

[lisa123414]

Maharat - Thank you for this thread, I realize that I need to tell my kids how proud I am of them all. I don’t do that enough, I spend way too much time pointing out areas where they can improve. I spoke with the one still awake, will get the rest tomorrow.

This is really some thread, who can hide from these feelings? My folks did not like me much when I was a kid and an adolescent, sometimes I wondered if I was a changeling or the milkman’s kid, I felt so alienated from all of my family. From the perspective of age, however, I have come to realize that I was part of the problem. (I feel i must add here, my family are good, albeit, misguided, they were unfair, but I also had problems with myself. ) People are strange, and sometimes it is so damn hard to connect with those that brung you. Once I started loving myself enough, it was so much easier to love them too. They are who they are, but also they are my family.

You are very special, I hardly know you, and I know that. Shoot, honey because of you, I am going to learn to bellydance. Love yourself, you should.

 

[Guest]

They boast about you to their friends, sometimes outrageously, but they're not going to tell you that. Strange but true.

This happened to me lately! I was given hell for pursuing more training, 'Why are you wasting your money?'. It is amazing how many notions they have about how I should apply my resources.

But when they found out their friends found it cool, then all of a sudden they were boasting about it.

Now I am being given hell, while they boast! :angry:

Maharat